A friend wants to come and stay

As your DH is fixated on this, any visit by your friend is going to be a disaster. You know this, of course, which is why you want advice on getting out of hosting her visit.
I think it's easy : you've known each other for a long time and you don't need to give her details or risk any great embarrassment or hurt for her. Just write or message and say that you've been putting off telling her but having people to visit now is a very bad idea because your DH is grumpy/anti-social/argumentative/disinterested....say whatever you like. You need to get away for a break and you think it would be a really good idea if you both met up somewhere for a weekend and had a great girlie time, lots of laughs, uninterrupted chat and really be able to relax and enjoy your time together.
Book it, take off and leave him to it - knowing that you won't be anxious and worrying about anything he decides to say making your friend completely miserable!

Ex-Dancer, Good Lord what a ridiculous idea. His invitation needs to be cancelled. He can't be trusted not to show himself and you in the worst possible light and ruin the wedding day of someone who doesn't deserve such treatment. Tell whoever is issuing the invitations, that he cannot be there - they will regret it always. If he cares at all about other members of the family - who will resent him forever - then he needs to manage his anger and not spread it around thinking that he will have an audience of supporters on someone's special day. With what he's planning, he won't!

So what if she hasnt done this or that. She is your friend and to me its quite pathetic to be dragging and racking alllll the past up, life is too short, move on, forget it instead of harbouring grudges....

I read a few GN say about both of you staying in a B&B somewhere! Thats good idea, at least you wont be on tender hooks waiting for your husbands built up annoyance to see the light of day !!!

All the best ....

How much money is in dispute?

Lathyrus

Just go and have a nice few days away with each other.
It’s often difficult staying with someone who’s still got a husband when you’re widowed. It mostly seems a bit awkward so I expect she’d rather be somewhere nice with just you

You can have a lovely time and no need for any upsets with anyone.

I think the same, go and stay with her this time.
After that, say to your husband, that whatever the truth of your friend owing money to him, she does not realise this, has been recently widowed and needs some kindness.

Luckygirl3

ExDancer - you need to find some way of disabling your OH on the wedding day - is there something heavy you can drop on his foot?

Failing that, then he needs to not go. If needs be, tell GD his plans and get her to uninvite him.

I understand his anger over the way he thinks his son has been mistreated - but to take it out on his GD on her special day!! That is insane.

Yes I agree with Luckygirl. Tell your son, tell your ex DIL and tell your DGD what he's planning. Get them to help you stop it. To be honest, he needs to be banned from the wedding. Selfish man!

It sounds like coercive control to me.
Keeping you constantly on edge, so that you can't look forward to something.

The issue is your husband's problem really. Does this behaviour manifest in relation to other friends, other things you want to do.

I would tell your friend that he is still upset about something that happened 4 years ago, explain what it is and then give her the choice of whether she wants to come or not. If she doesn't then suggest you go and stay with her or you go away together, then tell husband what you are doing and why!!!!

Perhaps your DH has really become a grumpy old Victor Meldrew?
I would suggest you girls go away somewhere nice together.
Then you can relax and help her to adjust and mourn and you don't need to share her with DH.

Blimey! If my OH behaved like that about something that happened 4 years ago and the lady concerned had been widowed, I would have it out with him. He sounds like an idiot. Explain to your friend that he’s turned rather unpleasant and suggest a break elsewhere. If the OH disapproves, tough titties, as they say. The other lady, whose OH wants to spoil a wedding. Don’t let him go. Tell him calmly that he is not wanted there. As I have said before on these boards, why don’t people speak to one another? I think it was Philippa Perry who was writing about this in one of her columns the other day. We need to talk to one another.

There is just one sensible and practical answer, which is a nice getaway with friend.

welbeck

well i feel sorry for the husband in this scenario.
having to put up with visits from/to these people that he doesn't like, all his married life.
and maybe she is grasping but OP can't see it, as she's known her so long, maybe since they were under their parents' support, so it was less noticeable.
OP best go stay with the woman if she wants to.

well i feel sorry for the husband in this scenario
Really?
It doesn't sound as if the visits were frequent and to hang on to minor grievances for that long is not normal, especially at the expense of upsetting a bereaved friend of his wife.
What a selfish thing to expect to do.

maybe since they were under their parents' support

Whose parents? What support? ?

Sheila63 I'd be making it a very long weekend away!

well i feel sorry for the husband in this scenario.
having to put up with visits from/to these people that he doesn't like, all his married life.
and maybe she is grasping but OP can't see it, as she's known her so long, maybe since they were under their parents' support, so it was less noticeable.
OP best go stay with the woman if she wants to.

ExDancer - That’s terrible. Wedding speeches used to be limited by custom to the Best Man, Groom, and the Father of the Bride. I am well aware that they have, happily, moved on to include other relatives and friends. However Grandfather of the Bride’s speech was never traditional and in this case sounds highly undesirable. Can you get together with the bride, her parents and the groom to ensure that grandfather is neither asked nor allowed to speak? Will he even be on the top table? If he stands up you and other close relatives should be ready to tell him to sit down or even to get up and speak over him. It is so NOT his day!!

GagaJo

I guess you've got 3 choices.

1) Let her come and prewarn her of what she's going to walk into. Personally, I'd rather do it in an email, when you can very carefully craft what you wish to say.

2) As someone else has suggested, go away with her somewhere on your own. He may not like it, but he's caused the issue so...

3) Tell her she can't come.

I'd personally go for option 2.

TBH, I'd gor for the 4th option!

I feel for you Sheila63, your DH reminds me of my FiL. Usually a gentle kindly man, if he got a bee in his bonnet about something there would be no doing anything with him. If he thought someone was trying to get one over on him, or was in some way putting him down, he would never forget it no matter how much you try to explain it and he couldn't see he was just downright wrong. It didn't happen often, but he actually didn't speak to one of his GDs for the last twenty years of his life and I never did find out why (not our children).

I'm with the others - tell your husband that if he intends to be mean to your friend you will just meet her elsewhere. She's lost her husband and you want to provide some support not make her feel worse.

At the very least you need to protect your friend from an unexpected ambush by your DH. You will have to warn her in advance or preferably meet up somewhere else as has been suggested. Your DH seems to be very unhappy, it is odd that he has held onto the grudge for years over a small amount and with longstanding friends.

Luckygirl3

ExDancer - you need to find some way of disabling your OH on the wedding day - is there something heavy you can drop on his foot?

Failing that, then he needs to not go. If needs be, tell GD his plans and get her to uninvite him.

I understand his anger over the way he thinks his son has been mistreated - but to take it out on his GD on her special day!! That is insane.

Exactly what I was going to say. You have to warn your GD and 'disable' him, somehow.

ExDancer - you need to find some way of disabling your OH on the wedding day - is there something heavy you can drop on his foot?

Failing that, then he needs to not go. If needs be, tell GD his plans and get her to uninvite him.

I understand his anger over the way he thinks his son has been mistreated - but to take it out on his GD on her special day!! That is insane.

It is shocking that your OH would bear a grudge for so long and be determined to "have it out" with her even though she is comparatively recently bereaved. And he has grudges against others too! Oh dear.

As others have said, you need to meet her somewhere nice and have a few days away together,

halfpint1

Maybe its not really the money on the bar bill but he wants to
end the friendship or by threatening to bring it up is trying to
scare you into ending it. In your post you do say he didn't care for her very much.
Its sad, but now her husband is no longer around he's more
confident of acting the big guy, not a good look or attitude.
I was married to one such person and didn't realise untill they had all faded away bar one, that he got rid of most of my friends one way or another. Its the control of you in my experience.

Yes, he doesn't want her to come so it's a form of control and blackmail.

Is he like this with all your friends, Sheila?

You could, I suppose, go and stay with your friend in her home. Explaining, as others have said, that your husband is rather grumpy and that you would enjoy a little break.

Your husband does have a problem, doesn't he, Sheila if he wants to upset a bereaved woman over something petty that happened years ago, poor you, it must make him very unhappy and difficult for you to live with, too.

Suggest to your friend you meet somewhere else for a weekend away, just the two of you and leave him nursing his grievances and keeping them warm or else suggest you stay with her.
Meeting somewhere in the middle sounds the best idea, though.

ExDancer as for your husband - words (nearly) fail me! Is this an idle threat and he's just venting his anger? How dare he think he can wreck your DGD's wedding day, upset her and the mother of the bride too?
I would tell your DGD to uninvite him, he would not be welcome.

Maybe its not really the money on the bar bill but he wants to
end the friendship or by threatening to bring it up is trying to
scare you into ending it. In your post you do say he didn't care for her very much.
Its sad, but now her husband is no longer around he's more
confident of acting the big guy, not a good look or attitude.
I was married to one such person and didn't realise untill they had all faded away bar one, that he got rid of most of my friends one way or another. Its the control of you in my experience.

I agree suggest meeting for a couple of nights in a place between the two of you and stay in a B and B or airbnb . Say it would be lovely to have a relaxed girlie time.

Gosh how unfortunate this wasn't just dealt with 4 years ago in the moment.

I'd likely suggest meeting elsewhere as well. If you can - I would explain while you were away why you felt unable to host at your house.

Good luck.