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Separation anxiety

(31 Posts)
Volunteer77 Sun 16-Oct-22 11:08:03

My daughter in law is due to return to work in a few weeks and my granddaughter will start nursery. Unfortunately she cant stand being away from her mum and wont go to anyone else. She just screams and screams. She is one year old. Any advice?

annodomini Sun 16-Oct-22 12:03:46

You haven't said how old this baby is. If she is of an age to learn to socialise with other children, it would make sense for her mum to spend some time with her at nursery, gradually taking time out to allow the child to mix with others.

Ro60 Sun 16-Oct-22 12:21:30

My GD has just started nursery at a similar age - just turned 1 yr. She too liked to be around her Mum & over the last year will tolerate me too now.
Nurseries usually have 'Settling In days' - where the go for a short while. This worked well for DD & DGd.
DD was surprised how quickly the change was accepted. Nursery staff are experienced in separation & reassure both parents & children.

MerylStreep Sun 16-Oct-22 12:29:20

annodomini
The OP said that the baby is one year old.

Sparklefizz Sun 16-Oct-22 13:03:19

Can the baby's Mum not stay with her for a while each time until she settles in?

BlueBelle Sun 16-Oct-22 13:15:36

Sparklefizz I think that makes it worse as she ll scream anyway when the time comes for mum to go
They do get used to it and it will be so good for her to realise mum can go away and come back The nursery will be well used to dealing with babies toddlers and even older children with separation anxiety all the best to deal with it when young
Don’t let her see your anxiety or your daughters it will transfer like a rash

sodapop Sun 16-Oct-22 13:17:22

I agree Sparklefizz a gradual introduction to the nursery and time with people other than her Mum.
Nursery staff are used to dealing with these problems I would imagine. Covid must have made this sort of anxiety worse.

Blondiescot Sun 16-Oct-22 14:06:46

She'll get used to it. Nurseries are more than capable of dealing with situations like this. This is often what happens when mums won't let baby go to anyone else...

Smileless2012 Sun 16-Oct-22 14:10:01

It's certainly beneficial for simple socialisation to begin sooner rather than later Blondiescot.

LovelyCuppa Sun 16-Oct-22 14:23:06

Blondiescot

She'll get used to it. Nurseries are more than capable of dealing with situations like this. This is often what happens when mums won't let baby go to anyone else...

How do we know the mum hasn’t been spending a lot of time trying to socialise baby!

Starlyte Sun 16-Oct-22 14:29:29

True that they get used to it.
My DS when he started nursery, so long ago, would stop crying when he could no longer see me (I hid and listened at the advice of the nursery staff). I still felt awful leaving him, but a bit less.

BlueBelle Sun 16-Oct-22 14:37:07

Could I just add that it’s really not good that the baby won’t go anywhere away from her mum and I think this will happen more and more with mums that won’t let their child be touch, kissed or interacted with
The best thing that can happen is that she goes to nursery and gets used to being confident with other faces and arms

Hithere Sun 16-Oct-22 14:51:02

It is a normal phase

Gradual integration will help, the nursery will know how to manage it

Sparklefizz Sun 16-Oct-22 15:55:14

My daughter was 3 when she started what was playschool in those days, and she cried and cried.

They told me that she was fine once I'd gone but I didn't believe them, so it was suggested that I hide behind a tree outside and watch. I did this. My daughter immediately stopped crying once I was out of sight and ran off cheerfully to play with the others!

Smileless2012 Sun 16-Oct-22 15:59:17

DS was exactly the same Sparklefizz at the same age and I was given the same advice with the same result.

Norah Sun 16-Oct-22 16:32:08

LovelyCuppa

Blondiescot

She'll get used to it. Nurseries are more than capable of dealing with situations like this. This is often what happens when mums won't let baby go to anyone else...

How do we know the mum hasn’t been spending a lot of time trying to socialise baby!

Mum is probably already doing best by her child. We didn't leave 1 year olds. No positives separating children from parents before they are well ready.

Just my thoughts.

Georgesgran Sun 16-Oct-22 17:03:06

DGS2 had a lengthy introduction to Nursery - a couple of hours a few times with Mummy/Daddy there, a couple of hours without, then another few short stays included lunch.
He still has a few tears sometimes on handover, but still waves bye bye over the Helper’s back. Pictures they send throughout the day show him playing and also interacting with the animals.

Volunteer77 Sun 16-Oct-22 17:21:43

My daughter in law does let her go to other people in fact encourages it all to no avail. She has a brother and hae was never like this. She is also having trial days at nursery. In an ideal world my daughter in law would not be returning to work yet but they have a large mortgage and as we all know things are getting more expensive

Glorianny Sun 16-Oct-22 17:24:59

Have you tried something for her to take with her? A soft toy or comfort blanket. Some think that if mum keeps the object close to her so that it smells of her it is a great source of comfort especially at nap time.

Smileless2012 Sun 16-Oct-22 17:27:34

It must be upsetting for her Volunteer. I often think how lucky I was to have been a stay at home mum until both boys were in full time education.

62Granny Sun 16-Oct-22 17:37:44

My DGS has just started creche, he was 9 months old started with 1 hour a few days then progressed up to 4 hours then done a full day for a week before his mum went back fully to work just in case, he hadn't had much contact with others either adults or children before but he has settled down and they have been great in encouraging him to play and try different foods . He was unsure at first but know gives the staff a big smile when he sees them even held his arms out to go in the other day.

Georgesgran Sun 16-Oct-22 18:13:34

You are probably right Norah but it’s a different World now. There were very few Nurseries (in my day) that would take babies, so children had to be 3 before they could start LA nursery and then either mornings or afternoons, never both where I lived. Nowadays, there’s pressure on Mums to get back to work, after (usually) a period of unpaid maternity leave. Most families now need both incomes, even after paying substantial Nursery fees - I know my DDs do and DD1 earned more than her husband.

Hithere Sun 16-Oct-22 19:07:35

1 point for N0rah

Also, some women DO want to return back to their professional careers, it is not forced based on finances

Wyllow3 Sun 16-Oct-22 19:35:58

Well, its a reality that it's needful to be done. Its not reasonable to speculate on whether mum has done this or that right as we don't know them really well, but I think the "do it gradually" and " bring along the comfort blanket" from above all makes sense.

I do think that children benefit from other being around them. Learning they aren't the centre of mums universe. Just gently as possible and choose a nursery that copes well with this reality. Frankly, comparing myself with my much younger sister and brother, I wish I had gone to nursery. Learning love is sharing. But with lots of reassurance of course.

Glorianny Sun 16-Oct-22 19:39:35

It isn't new anyway. I went to full time day nursery from 2 and half because my mum was ill.This was just after WW2 when there was more state nursery provision than at any time since, because the government wanted women to work. Lots of the other children were without fathers for one reason or another. They all closed down in the '50s.