Life choices Grandkids

I’m reading between the lines but the picture I’m getting is OP is feeling neglected. I have seen this with friends of mine when some grandmothers make their grandchildren their whole life. I’m getting that’s what’s happening here. I feel it’s a compromise but I’ve never been one that’s been all consumed with grandchildren I feel you need to find happy balance with grandchildren and having a life together. A conversation is needed where you tell your wife not just us.

Snap

My grandson is 15 months old. My daughter in law works from home at times and others goes in to the office. Her sister keeps an eye on him M-F. Monday and Wednesday afternoons I take up the reins. He's a lot at this time in his young life -- always running somewhere and everywhere. I love watching him and hearing his laugh. It does get me very tired but I wouldn't give it up for anything. We only get to see them grow and change for a very short time ... hold on!

MOnica - spot on. NatUni your wife is with you 10-11 days in every fortnight, so your comments about intimacy are down to your relationship and not your wife's absences, or are you saying that you suddenly feel the urge for intimacy in that 25% of time when your wife isn't there? And if so, what is it that you're doing in that 75% of time that she is there - are you focused on your work hidden away in your work office? Do you keep normal working hours or do you switch on your computer at 7 am and keep checking until 10 pm?

Don't misunderstand my questions - I ask just because as a psychotherapist I have been dealing for the past two and half years with relationship fallouts from the effects of people working from home and not acknowledging how much that phenomenon has encroached into their normal domestic lives to the detriment of themselves and other household members. Does your 'work office' for example mean that certain parts of the house are out of bounds for others, does it tie you up in meetings at unsocial hours, does your wife have to be quiet? I had a client whose 'working from home' OH forbade her to use the vacuum cleaner or washing machine during the hours when she would normally do these things because he had taken over a space near the kitchen and she was too noisy, interrupting his ability to take calls and focus!!! Her life was radically changed as she gradually found herself having to work shifts to do her normal housework. NatUni you need to sit with your wife and explore these issues, what would her life be life if she weren't caring for (and presumably) enjoying her gcs for 3/4 days a week. What would you be doing to re-create the intimacy - don't blame the little children - this is down to two adults.

Here is a guy who is lonely. He feels neglected and unimportant to his wife.
He probably feels unable to discuss it or feels he won’t be heard.
Mothers mostly fall in love with their children and put them before their husband. When they leave home, it’s a time when the parents can have that quality time back and enjoy their retirement.
In many cases nowadays, the wife simply moves on to fall in love with her grandchildren. Poor husband is yet again ignored.
We all know the couple need to sit down and talk about it but how often does this happen. Established ways of doing things are hard to break.
Neglected husbands will soon wander if they are ignored at home and someone else shows an interest in them.
I know this because I see this scenario being played out by my sister. She drives miles every week and stays for days looking after grandkids. Husband is left with the dogs! He isn’t in the best of health and he’s lonely.
I know my sister is enjoying feeling needed and reliving the mummy role.
But I see trouble ahead.

You hit the nail right straight on its head there MOnica ……that’s exactly what is happening. These are ‘marital problems’ and absolutely nothing to do with your lovely grandkids. My husband did the same …. We had no social life …no intimacy…. No holidays and he blamed it all on my ‘schedule ‘ re grandkids. When I pointed out that none of any of these things happened
even during school holidays he ‘blanked’ me! This is going back 5 years in my case.
Husband had indeed started with dementia and Alzheimer’s… and his aggression and antipathy to me ‘being out of house’ with grandkids was a blind. He’s now in residential care .

If the husband is working Goldenage and ghe wife is a "housewife" it's hardly unreasonable to find that she was too noisy, interrupting his ability to take calls and focus!!!

I had my husband at home af least part time for years. I would never have thought about using the washer, the vacuum cleaner or even playing loud music whilst he was concentrating. I saw it as a privilege to have him home for lunch, help with the (5) children during his "coffee break" and so on.
Give and take is the point. Yes, the day the washer flooded the kitchen it was difficult to not call him when he was busy but it wasn't long till he was "out" again, helping mop it up.

Please don't be down on people who do those jobs from home that need peace and quiet.

Oh dear, oh dear! Two comments sprang automatically to my mind.

Gransnetters frequently wonder why there are so few men contributing to the site, but when one does come along, he gets very short shrift.

And I am not at all surprised he hasn't wanted to comment on the predominantly snide remarks made to him.

NatUni: you and your wife need to discuss this.

You need to know whether she is finding this child-care routine tiring and if that is why there is no longer "time" for intimacy between you when she is at home, for going out, or for inviting friends in, or whether there are completely different reasons for this.

Has your wife retired and did she take on the care of the grandchildren because she was bored at home, while you work? Or did she and the other gran agree because the children's parents cannot afford child-care, rather than because they really wanted to?

How long is this arrangement for? A five year old might be at school in the UK, but in no other country I have heard of. Six or seven is the more usual starting age.

In your place, I would find it unreasonable if this arrangement is expected to last until the youngest is at school.

Perhaps you should start the talk with your wife, by telling her what kind of things you would like to do when you retire and hear her plans for the time when neither of you are working.

When will that be?

Then lead on to the present state of affairs.

I took your description to mean that your wife cares for the children 3 days a week one week and 4 the next and the other grandmother does the same. If this is the case the children's parents seem to be both working a seven day week - or are they leaving the care of the children to the grandmothers when they are off work as well?

I can see that this schedule plus driving back and forth might well be too tiring for your wife, but in that case she needs to decide whether her grandchildren, or helping your daughter or son is more important to her than the state of your marriage.

In other words, I fully understand your concern, and do not think you are jealous or unreasonable, but justly concerned about your and your wife's relationship.

One solution might be that you and she both work the same number of hours a week at the same time. You at home in your office, she caring for the children.'

I made it quite clear to my DD that I was only prepared to look after DGD for 2 days a week and she needed to sort out a childminder for the other days. Then when she was 3 and eligible for the free nursery hours I just used to drop her off. I was always there for her if she was ill or childminder on holiday.
Your wife needs to sort out a schedule that suits you both and give the parents a month to find alternative care arrangements if she's unhappy about it.

NatUni I get the feeling, from your silence, that you don't like these answers.
What were you expecting us to say?

I think it’s not the grandkids that are the problem I think it’s much closer to home and if after 39yrs of marriage you can’t talk to her about anything and everything then you already know your answer of what you want and need.

i was thinking what Pythagoras wrote, but i didn't dare say so on this site.

argymargy

I’m not sure you’ll get much sympathy from those of us who actually look after grandchildren ourselves…

I am over 300 miles from one granddaughter and over 200 miles from my other granddaughter. They’ve are 13 months and 10 months. How I would love to spend more than 24hours with them every 3 months or so.
I am an older Nan at 75 but have energy and enthusiasm to play with and enjoy spending time with them so very much.
They haven’t visited me yet as I guess for full time working parents their weekends are also very busy. I try not to fantasise too much about them visiting Nan as I don’t want to appear needy. I would also love to be in a position to share my life with a partner. (I am divorced) and I can imagine getting the balance between caring for grandchildren and having a life as a couple takes a bit of doing. It is important though because your life as a couple continues after the grandchildren have grown. Intimacy isn’t an ‘add on, it is central to a relationship.
In that it is an expression of your love. I am still friends with my ‘ex’ and we visit each other from time to time. The relationship now is platonic. This hasn’t been discussed as again, I don’t want to appear ‘needy’.

You aren't happy with the situation but how does your wife feel?

Are the children at your home or does she travel there?

Do you go with her?

Do you enjoy spending tike with the grandchildren?

You mention lack of intimacy and social life.. are you lonely? Could you be depressed?

I don't think you should be placing all your social and emotional needs on your wife and need to get out and find some friends and hobbies for yourself

The lack of intimacy you need to discuss with her to see if there is anything that can be done but I'm afraid that physical intimacy has to be something both people want and if there is a mismatch in drives it really can't be helped.

Sorry I made my response mainly about me.
It is difficult to confront issues in a marriage/relationship and can feel risky if rejection is the fear. The fact that I am divorced shows that I am no expert. However it does need to be done as your understandable grievance may fester into real resentment. So many responders on here have made valid points. I like the suggestion of a discussion about your joint future hopes/dreams for retirement leading into your thoughts and feelings about your current lifestyle. Perhaps over a nice restaurant meal as a starting point for some time spent for just the two if you. Good luck.

NatUni, I suspect that just putting your situation into words may have crystallised the answers for you, and that you probably won’t be back?

I used to go by bus 5 hours to stay for a night or 2 once a month or so when DD's babies were small.
On the bus I was amazed at the women I spoke to who were, in one case, coming across from Ireland by ferry and bus to look after her DGC for a week so her DD could do shiftwork. She did this every month. These GP were doing marathon childcare shifts unpaid.
I marvelled at them but wouldn't dream of doing that for ours. Maybe if we lived in the same town it would be different.

I have my own life and when DH was alive we would visit our DC and enjoy their company but not be a substitute parent.

So I agree with the OP. He is quite entitled to feel he's lost his DW to the DGC

I dislike the term ‘childcare’. Care for children is built in - it’s called parents. It is their job, nobody’s else’s.

I love seeing my grandchildren, who live at the other end of the country, but I don’t consider them my responsibility, any more than I expected my parents to look after my children in any regular way. Similarly, my grandparents weren’t expected to look after me.

In emergencies of course we would, but not as a matter of course.

Hello NatUni. I feel very strongly that when something is taken on board on a regular basis that may affect a married couple, it should be discussed in detail before hand.

It isn't too late to have that discussion so I hope you'll feel able to broach this with your wife. You need to talk so you can find a solution that is beneficial to both of you, and it looks at the moment that this one isn't beneficial to you. Good luck.

I agree with your post grandetante. There are some unfortunate responses for this first time poster.

Maybe you both need to go out together and do something new. Counselling or mediation might help. Perhaps you want different things? Is your wife happy? Maybe she's not happy either but keeping busy to cope?

The best thing is to talk to her. Your GC may keep you both busy, but surely not too busy to go out for dinner on a day when they aren't coming and have a good chat?

Grandma70s

I dislike the term ‘childcare’. Care for children is built in - it’s called parents. It is their job, nobody’s else’s.

I love seeing my grandchildren, who live at the other end of the country, but I don’t consider them my responsibility, any more than I expected my parents to look after my children in any regular way. Similarly, my grandparents weren’t expected to look after me.

In emergencies of course we would, but not as a matter of course.

That is normal for your family. In some families, extended families, grandparents are very much more involved and part of the day to day care of grandchildren.

It's been normal in my family for at least 3 generations (that's as far back as I can remember).

So as for it 'being their job, nobody else's.' that isn't the case for every family.

GagaJo

3 or 4 days out of 14 isn't a lot.

Grandchildren are little for such a short time. Don't ruin it for her.

You could always join in.

I don’t read it as that, I read it as three days one week and four the next, which I think is a lot to ask.

It would be far too much for me, and I wouldn't enjoy the feeling of always taking second place if I had a partner who i barely saw.

Whom? One ot t'other.

I'm going with whom.