Need a rant

Having thought about this I think you perhaps aren't fully acknowledging the traumas of last year with his own family...

Support your daughter as they are as team now and she will not want to have to choose between her husband and you. Show empathy but don't interfere. If you are close to your daughter and she trusts you are not "out to get him" you could maybe ask her what you can do to support her in order to support him
It seems that he has a lot going on.

Have you mentioned Christmas? I would expect they will want to do that without you so please try not to push your way in there.
Good luck

Surely you enquire about your SiL in a general way?
Just do that in passing and enjoy time with your DD and GDC .

Its true that the "old" expectations were that families turn up as a "whole", but I do think it has changed, and maybe for the better. Just think of years of Christmas posts saying how the in laws were/are "this and that" and people forcing situations upon themselves..

After reading the posts again I'm thinking, its a dodgy road to possibly make DD feel she has to "choose".

I don't "naturally" get on with DiL. We sort of dont 'get' each other. It makes neither of us happy to force situations especially atm as DS and family are totally full on busy with very disabled daughter and both full time just for a year or so.

So next time I go up its when DiL is away part of the time.

I would love it if we got one early well, as in gaining a daughter, but better to accept things as they are, time may change things if i tread gently.