Feeling confused

You could come back with the old ’It takes one to know one’
or something similar, or not go shopping with this person

No one needs so called friends like that. Steer well clear of them.

After I moved away from my home city and then returned to visit my parents my mother would often make snippy little remarks about my appearance. When challenged she would say "Im your mother" as if that awarded her a god given right to criticise me. I told her that her opinion of me was no more valid than that of a psssing stranger in the street. She never did learn. There was a big blow up on the evening of my fathers funeral which led to me walking out of the house at 11pm. After that I went NC.

varian

It is an odd thing, friendship. I have two female best friends. We got together when we first came to this area from elsewhere when we had very young children.

All of us came from quite far away. Each of us had a sister but our sisters not here and we became each others sisters. For instance, I could go round to see one of my friends and say "I'm having a dinner party. You're not invited but could I borrow your big dish?"

This was in the 1970s and none of us worked until our children started school. For two years when we each had one child at primary school and one child at playgroup we each had a "day off" when one of the three of us looked after the toddlers so the other two could do other things. It was brilliant I used to go to art classes and swim.

When the mother of one of my friends died suddenly, I dropped everything and drove my friend a hundred and fifty miles whilst our other friend looked after all the children. We didn't have to ask her. We knew she would do it.

Over the years we have weathered many storms and changes in our lives. We all had different types of marriages. One got divorced, then her ex-husband remarried. We spent a lot of time with her at the time of the separation. The other two of us are still married but have quite different types of marriages. One, a marriage where they have spent quite a lot of time apart but are still together, whilst I am in a very close relationship which has lasted since our teenage years. We all went on holidays together before the divorce but since then the five of us have had many holidays together.

We three old ladies still live close by but can go weeks without any contact. My OH is my very best friend but my two female friends are always there for each other as I am for them.

Your post took me back to the 70's when I had a very similar sounding group of friends whom I mostly met through the so called "Housewife's' register. There was on ly one local woman amongst us and we got up to all sorts including one of us having all the DC's whilst the rest had a 'day off' together/alone/with others/partner. Some of us set up a Meet-a-Mum type group called Tell a Friend inspired by 2 magazine articles, one by Esther Rantzen.... We had dads involved as well as mums and set up a creche in the town and had a 'Bizarre Evening' fund raiser having discovered we all had hidden talents for running the stalls: weaving hats out of a persons hair on their own head, making Chelsea buns while you wait - meant to be a demo but evolved as the evening went on/a rock ?punk band as 'penny a look' - was intend to evolve into a dance but most people opened the door then closed it and walked away...have a go pottery making/learn to crochet, scrabble, Tarot cards etc etc. We left the area 7 years after we met and returned 3 times - 2008 and 2012, keeping in touch throughout. Most of us are still in the area as close as ever and keep in touch with those who moved away, two of whom will be returning this year with their families to scatter the ashes of a loved one having each suffered a bereavement last year. Thanks for the memories. - OP, amongst the group there is one whose comments sometimes annoy me (very different politics), and occasionally upset me - "Won't you feel a fool when you get to the hospital and find out there's nothing wrong with "- I subsequently had 3 stents installed in my heart The procedure had to be postponed when my heart stalled and another cardiologist installed the last stent 3 days later. I just ignore her when she starts.

Is it some sort of backhanded compliment? I mean, is she saying this because you have a really good style and she assumes nobody would think differently? We have a friend who is a brilliant mathematician and if we were needing basic adding up doing we'd quite likely say something like, 'don't ask Fred, he can't do simple sums.' It's wearing a bit thin after 50 years but is acknowledgement of his ability - he groans but rather likes it. If it's undermining you however it's different. Maybe have a chat with the person, say I'm not going shopping/coffee/whatever with you again until you stop making negative comments as it's starting to get me down. A friend will not feel they have to tell you you're too sensitive or otherwise put it back onto you, they will stop doing it, although it may take them a while to get out of the habit if they haven't thought about what they're saying before.

Lilliesmum79 If you think the friendship is worth keeping and it sounds as if you would like it to, when she says something "jokingly" just answer, "Well I find it hurtful" and she may realise just how unkind she is being. Good luck and I hope you can resolve the issue. You certainly don't want to continue the friendship if she doesn't change.

I’m wondering how the second ‘friend’ reacts when the bully makes these comments?
If she looks uncomfortable and sympathetic then I would message her privately and say unfortunately you won’t be joining her and ‘bully’ on future trips out but would love to see her alone for coffee occasionally and see what the response is there?

How about "Do you take lessons in being ? (such a bitch/so rude or whatever words you want to use) or were you born that way?"

Horrid and upsetting!
However… there are a few possibilities to consider before walking away or confronting, especially if you find these sort of confrontations difficult or embarrassing.
Has she always been like this or has it got worse/more personal? If so, could she be going through some personal issues that are influencing her behaviour?
Could she feel so comfortable with you that she thinks she can “joke” about anything?
Does she really think that you could make more of yourself and is thinking she’s being practical and encouraging but is actually coming across as clumsily rude?
If you can’t face a direct confrontation but would like the friendship group to continue, would you consider talking to the third friend about it?
It would be useful to know if she’s noticed any changes and what her take on it is. Would she chat about it to the culprit? Find out if she’s aware of her behaviour and how hurtful it can be?
Just some thoughts as not everyone is ready to give up on a relationship that has previously been good.

In a similar situation I was once advised to say very calmly and almost sympathetically as if the friend was suffering in some way "why on earth would you say something like that to me". The so-called friend burst into tears, said she didn't know why she'd started saying such things, apologised profusely and turned out she and her DH were in the throes of a break up. Might be worth a try.

Oh! I have no taste? So that's why I'm here with you, then!

It's the old twos company , threes a crowd . She's obviously threatened by you . I wouldn't walk away too quickly especially if you enjoy the other friends company , give her a chance to stand up for you or tell her you find other friends remarks hurtful .
I've been on the receiving end of this and the person in the threesome obviously wanted me out and was constantly chipping away at me . When the other friend also started with fat shaming me I decided to throw in the towel with both of them . I haven't fallen out but I no longer organise outings or host get togethers ànd have slowly started to phase them out . It makes me sad as I was the one who went out of the way to include the new comer after her divorce but my friendship with the older one of over 40 years won't be the same again .
School playground behaviour I'm sorry to say . Two is company and you're unlucky if one is toxic enough to make you the crowd .
My friend of 40 + years obviously found her company more scintillating and fun lol 😆
I'd rather have no friends tbh

She is spiteful because you have some lovely qualities and she is so jealous!

Has she lost weight and is it possible she is looking for your approval when buying new clothes? If so, are you being kind and tactful in your responses? It can be difficult shopping with friends when they are asking your opinion on something they are thinking of buying you wouldn't be seen dead in.
If that's not the case, maybe worth having a gentle word with her when you can get her alone. She may not realise her comments are hurtful. Others can't read our minds and sometimes what will offend one person will wash straight over another.
Of course, she's maybe just being unpleasant and I wouldn't want to spend time with someone like that.

Next time it happens, say out loud “one!”. She will ask and then you tell her, “I’m giving you three allowances for belittling me in the hope you can see the error of your ways. You’ve just used one.” If she pursues it say “only joking!”. Passive aggressive, yes. But if her friendship matters, it might just need tweaking.

There is plenty of good advice here - basically, calmly say what you do not like about her comments and if they continue, walk away. A good place to make friends is your local U3A - worth a try! Good luck.

I wouldn't take it personally it is her issue. As others have suggested maybe she is in distress or is jealous of you, or something else... but whatever her issue it is not your fault in any way.. If you still enjoy them as friends then just ignore it, that is a very effective way of dealing with bullying behaviour ....or walk away and find people who do appreciate your qualities. Be the bigger/stronger person

She has a dry sense of humour. She has an ascerbic wit. She only has two friends.she usually gets a laugh at such quips from other friends. She's misjudged your type of humour. Any of these seem apt?

Sharina

Next time it happens, say out loud “one!”. She will ask and then you tell her, “I’m giving you three allowances for belittling me in the hope you can see the error of your ways. You’ve just used one.” If she pursues it say “only joking!”. Passive aggressive, yes. But if her friendship matters, it might just need tweaking.

If someone is not used to sharp banter or "passive aggression" as it's stupidly labelled nowadays, I wouldn't advise tryin it. Those who do use sharp witticisms and banter are very good at it and it's an acquired taste, not to be messed with by the otherwise normal joke with punchline type of humour merchants!

knspol

In a similar situation I was once advised to say very calmly and almost sympathetically as if the friend was suffering in some way "why on earth would you say something like that to me". The so-called friend burst into tears, said she didn't know why she'd started saying such things, apologised profusely and turned out she and her DH were in the throes of a break up. Might be worth a try.

That is worth knowing, thank you. I wouldn’t have thought of that.

I like Are you always so rude or are you having a bad day?

I'm on the fence with this really. It could be as you say her feeling comfy enough to joke about personal stuff? I thought it could be that the person on the end of the comments is a bit over sensitive and doesn't get the humour? I wouldn't think anything of it at all , then again I can so much more than hold my own in disagreements and witty/acid tongued exchanges too. Horses for course. Saying to her along lines "ooh you are awful! I'm crying Inside ya know? " Or " I bet you wish you could carry off the naff look like me?" But only if this is who you are.

I have two friends and we've been walking together regularly. There came a point when we sat down on a bench to eat our sandwiches the one in the middle turned her back to me and started talking to the other one. I said 'could you sit back a little' and she shrugged and carried on, not including me in the conversation . I have not felt the same since then and only go occasionally. I have other friends so it doesn't really bother me too much.

knspol

In a similar situation I was once advised to say very calmly and almost sympathetically as if the friend was suffering in some way "why on earth would you say something like that to me". The so-called friend burst into tears, said she didn't know why she'd started saying such things, apologised profusely and turned out she and her DH were in the throes of a break up. Might be worth a try.
I think this is a good suggestion - well worth thinking about.

Please walk away , you are in a toxic relationship . I had the same, two friends who put me down. We worked together and one day I made a joke which everyone in the office laughed at, as I was laughing this woman came up behind me and said “ you think everyone likes you but they don’t they pity you “ my day fell apart but I thought enough was enough and walked away