Paying for adult children and family to visit

Who is insisting on paying?
1. The daughter and family or they dont visit
2. Op's husband?

If your step-daughter is as entitled as she behaves, there can only be one reason for it and that is that your DH has allowed her to become so. It is up to him with your support to draw a line under her behaviour.

With retirement pending, he has a good reason to say to her, 'once I retire I can no longer afford to pay for your visits. Perhaps in the future we can come and stay with you?' He should not discuss his retirement income with her or barter with her. Quietly present her with a fait accompli and say no more. If she wants to throw a tantrum let her.

One of two things will happen, you will discover that all her affection for her father is based on cupboard love and you do not see her, or she will find the money and visit or have you as guests..

Lucy125

Nataterturbi-my children would never expect us to pay for their trips. They’re in their 30’s and we’re raised to pay for their vacations or if they don’t have the money they wait until the can afford it. In this case with his daughter I feel taken advantage of for our generosity and it appears there’s no limit to the expectation for more and more.

I suppose the differences are to your children's expectations and his - down to how they were raised. Can't change that now.

Perhaps each of you have a set amount to spend on anything desired- he spends on his children and you spend your sum on you?

Surely they must realise that two older people can’t continue to finance flights and all expenses for 5. It’s completely unreasonable and rather selfish.
Your dh should tell them you are having to budget fir retirement and can no longer manage this extra expense.
Feeding 5 extra people is more than enough quite honestly.

I would tell them things were a bit tight this year and could you visit them and they reciprocating all the things you have paid for over the years, as the saying goes"They have seen you coming".

I would not have a problem with paying for flights and accommodation, we did that for DD when she went to help her aunt when her uncle died in another country. I also covered the travel when DD had to return to the UK when her dad was dying.
I would not finance holidays especially if I was the host.
DH and I always had separate bank accounts and never had any disagreement about money in our 54 years of marriage.

Is this a wind up?

My OH and I have separate accounts. I pay my share of household expenses into his account. After that we do what we like with our own money. Apart from family presents which we share. If he spends more on his family it comes out of his account. Why should you share the cost of his family visiting. And why on earth buy clothes? They are taking the ...

Like VioletSky said, pay all the bills then split everything down the middle. Then husband can use his money as he likes and pay for his daughter & family out of just his half, if he can afford it without monetary help from you!!
You are then free to help your children if you wish to, or just pamper them a little bit, and decide what you want to do with your half.
Also, have you made a will? If not, get onto it or I expect your children having to fight their stepsister for their own mum's money and personal items!!!

welbeck

cheeky pluckers.
tell them to save them the bother of schlepping the family to yours, you and husband will come stay with them.
and you'll even pay your own air fare and bring clothes to wear.

I was going to say that Lucy125 and husband go to theirs and have the daughter & family pay for everything for them for a change!!
Of course, they'll need to be bought some sort of luggage to transport their new attire home.

I have 4 weeks
My husband has unlimited vacation

i thought workers in usa get v little annual leave.
how come they can visit so often ?

I agree that the daughter and family are taking advantage of her father's good will. I can't imagine showing up in the clothes I am wearing and expecting someone to take care of me!

It is a good thing you had this talk with your DH, for your sake, and the sake of the rest of the family as well, as you are spending an unfair amount on that one family compared to the rest. I would start visiting them at their location. If they can't host you, then rent an accomodation nearby.

HousePlantQueen

welbeck

you always pay more for hold luggage.
it adds quite a bit to the airfare.

really? I have always had a reasonable luggage allowance, circa 23Kg whenever I have bought a scheduled flight ticket.

23kg is allowed with most airlines
We had 30 kg each last time (Economy)

Perhaps this is the USA and it's in addition to the flight.

Nataterturbi-my children would never expect us to pay for their trips. They’re in their 30’s and we’re raised to pay for their vacations or if they don’t have the money they wait until the can afford it. In this case with his daughter I feel taken advantage of for our generosity and it appears there’s no limit to the expectation for more and more.

NanaDana I’m sorry I should’ve never said $1000 and you’re right it’s much more than that. We’re in the USA. I just meant it’s not a few hundred dollars to just fly his daughter out. It’s a lot of people to pay for. She was trying to come every 3 months since we foot the bill but we put a stop to that. They stay for a week and a half and my husband even feels it’s too long.

So out of your joint account his children get all expenses paid including clothes and toiletries. And your children don't.
I wouldn't accept that.

Please rush me details of the country where a mere $1,000 can cover return air fares for 2 adults and 3 children, plus holiday funding which covers luggage, food, clothing and entertainment. I need to move there.. or did you miss a zero out?

welbeck

you always pay more for hold luggage.
it adds quite a bit to the airfare.

really? I have always had a reasonable luggage allowance, circa 23Kg whenever I have bought a scheduled flight ticket.

As you say you are nearing retirement, this is a good time to have a serious talk about your finances with your husband. Hopefully you can decide a budget you're both happy with.

VioletSky gave good advice and an example of how this could work.

They are taking the piss literally and your DH has fell for it hook line and sinker.
Paying their fare accomodating them fine if that's what he wants to do. But clothing them really tell them to buy suitcases bank of mum and dad are now on limited income.

We have a joint account so everything we spend come out of one account. I have children who pay their own travel expenses and he has two others that pay their own way as well. And yes the expenses are way over $1000. I just used that for reference. Our families are completely opposite. My family wouldn’t dream of being a financial burden when they visit. They typically will take us out for meals as a thank you for staying with us. He has a lot of other family members who visit frequently and pay for nothing but airfare. The self entitled attitudes is wearing me down. I wouldn’t dream of staying in someone’s home and having that expectation.

Their way !!

It appears they can pay there way so quite simply they should!! This is outrageous. I am sorry this situation has caused tension between you and your husband. Perhaps you could discuss with him just what you would be prepared to pay for. Adult children should not expect all this, they are grown ups !!! and should take responsibility for themselves. I know this sounds harsh but really........? Have they no pride?

Lucy125

I actually had that “serious talk” and now their May vacation has been cancelled. Things are now tense with my husband and I. And yes they have a dual income and can afford it. Problem is his daughter is very self entitled and not shy about asking for money and things. I’m not sure though if it was worth making an issue of since it’s caused tensions within the family. I’m hoping down the road the tension will subside and he will understand my frustration.

Are they actually saying that they can't afford to come? When I first read your post, I had grave doubts. We've had this in my family = 5 people and tickets from Australia to London. Ours was solved with the parents travelling so just 2 tickets and borrowing kids clothes etc. Wouldn't your hubby consider that?
If you can't travel, isn't there some middle ground to cost share?