Adult son girlfriend

He wasn't babysitting he was on holiday yet he lied for people he don't see I will be taken a step back he came yestaday to collect more stuff she's doas not like me and has shown that when we on holiday rude to me and I carried on as nothing had happened cause of Christmas etc

Don’t worry, remember …”if you love someone let them go, if they love you they will come back”. It was true in my case, my daughter left home at 16, she thought she was in love, but it was an abusive relationship. We later found out she was being physically restrained from visiting us, he even controlled her phone. But it all worked out in the end, she never did return home, choosing to live on her own, but we are now so close to each other, she has an incredibly high powered & well paid career. She regrets what she did, but I’ve put it down to one of life’s experiences and moved on.

Thanks yes I will take step back definltly its just very hard when up till a year ago he was at home and staying at girlfriends now he lives there we were all close now we are not and its hard watching her treat him like that calling him fat kicking under the table she's bossy everything she says gos her family first the way his money is spent etc he was doing so well at home going to college saving money now he has nothing

Mumzyto7

Thanks yes I will take step back definltly its just very hard when up till a year ago he was at home and staying at girlfriends now he lives there we were all close now we are not and its hard watching her treat him like that calling him fat kicking under the table she's bossy everything she says gos her family first the way his money is spent etc he was doing so well at home going to college saving money now he has nothing

If she's really that bad he will get tired of her.

He is 20, not 12. His mum’s house was never meant to be “home” for much longer anyway. He will find his way. If she is as bad as you say she is, and we only have your perspective here, then he will likely grow out of her soon. Most 20 yr olds aren’t finding their life partner’s at 20 even in the best of relationships at that age. Allow nature to take its course.

Thank I will she's is bad the reason why she don't want to stay at our house is cause she can't get away with she doas she's rude to us loads the list is endless

My older children are adults now

There is a huge open world available to them. They can move far away or make choices and decisions we don't like.

The truth is we have absolutely no control over that at all and if we try to exert any control over that, that is how we will be seen, as people who are controlling.

Let him live his life, he is bound to make mistakes, we all did. Be the person he can always come back to, that loves him as him, not his choices, not the person he feels judged by and it will be ok.

It's hard to let go, but let go

Thank you it means a lot this stage is hard just struggling with it

Unfortunately this is very common. Whether it's just that people talk about estrangement more now I don't know ? There's very little you can do I'm afraid other than make sure the door is still open . Just keep things light on the texts At least you still have that . You're definitely not alone in this , there are so many of us feeling the same if that helps you xx

Deep down inside I'm a terribly anxious helicopter parent. I have spent a great deal of years quashing that and keeping it all inside so I can give my children the freedom and risk they need to grow

It is hard

It is also rewarding

Yes I am that anxious parent definlty one of mine has eplisey and has had many hospital stays in intensive care so that doas that not help yes very hard not being able to make there choices and bringing in other family's to yours you can just see where there going wrong

Not forgotting mother's instinct it never leaves you even at that age you spend so many years raising them then this happens

You are going to wear yourself out Mumzyto7 if you have this level of involvement in the lives of all your children.
You have given your son a good start in life and now he has to live it, of course he will make mistakes along the way but that is how we learn. Leave your son to get on with his life and you enjoy yours.

Be the person he can always come back to, that loves him as him ... don't be person he feels judged by

This is key.
I would message him and apologise - say you realise he is grown now and you are sorry to have been so negative.
Just say you love him and more than anything you want him to be happy.

Something like this is enough I feel.
Don't say too much. Just a couple of lines to reach out.

He does not want you to be involved Just now. Do not try to manipulate him. Accept in yourself that you have been judging his relationship and that (at least just now) he sees something in her that you cannot.
He and you will, I hope find peace in the end.

I asked earlier if he was in contact with siblings...
Maybe he IS in contact with them...
I doubt they would tell you but they might.

Just thought- please don't let your other children miss out because your mind is full of this one son.

Also, make sure you build different relationships with them - and practice letting go a bit more if you possibly can. You do not want to become focused on the others in this way.

Wishing you and your family well.

Sounds like a "soap opera" .. So sorry to hear that there are issues regarding a girlfriend and the abuse of his personal finances and his lack of respect for his own family (parents and siblings).

Perhaps some counselling type of therapy would shed some light on the situation for you as a mother and how better to cope with and handle the dilema.

All my best wishes ..

Thank you all siblings are younger 18 13.12.7.6.9monthes all still at home no they don't see him only when he wants the rest of his belongings lol

Six siblings 18 13 12 7 6 nine months all at home and yes missed all there birthdays etc this year

He was close to his 18 year old sister which I can't understand then the 13 and 12 he was very close all a mixture of ages and gender

Mumzyto7

Not forgotting mother's instinct it never leaves you even at that age you spend so many years raising them then this happens

So far it's been 20 years. My Father, an only child, didn't get on to well with his mother because she disliked him and my mom having 4 children with 7 years. It so happens that I, the eldest loved my GM, but of course, I had no notion of the relationship between parents and grandparents. My GM even asked my dad when he was going to get his hair cut. This was in the 60s when hair was a little bit longer than the short back and sides that he'd had as a young man.

You still have 6 more children at home to cope with so get on with that and feel a little bit thankful that you have one less at home to look after. Less bed making, less clothes washing etc etc.

I remember when I left home, it was the day England won the World Cup, back in 1966. My parents dropped me off at the hostel - found the TV room and watched the football. I thought nothing further about leaving. My Mum was very upset, but she got over it.

Mumzyto7

Thank you all siblings are younger 18 13.12.7.6.9monthes all still at home no they don't see him only when he wants the rest of his belongings lol

He's 20. The others, apart from the 18 year old are so different in age that they are likely to have little in common and different interests. To be frank, he's probably pleased to be away from them. With a bit of luck, in the years to come, te age difference many not be so imoirtant and they may become friends.

Yes true I had the kids in pairs two then two then two then one lol his girlfriend has a brother who is six years older thats what I can't understand as he got on with his sister 18 and the 13 year old brother and 12 sister I know what you mean about the younger ones but he was very close to the six year old cause of his eplisey etc the

We assume because its more common that men are abusers of women, ie manipulative and controlling, cut partner off from family etc, but it ain't always the case.

But he has to find his own way. I was 60 when I met my to be abusive husband, but at the beginning I wouldn't have listened to a soul. but not to be over dramatic at this point - they are both very young and have lots to learn; time for relationships to end and form new ones.

Trust your upbringing of him and let him make the moves. I wouldn't apologise unless you have definitely said something thats hostile to girlfriend.

I'm interested that you mention one child who has needed a lot of attention because of illness.

As the eldest he would have been used to more attention before this came along and along comes a young woman who wants him all just for her - but as I say, trust in the love you have given. Please don't try and get his sibs involved in finding stuff out.

Look,at it a different way. If he’d gone to university or moved for work, you wouldn’t be knowing what he’s doing every minute of the day. Hard as it might be to face, he might be glad to be away from all those siblings. He might need some space and this is his way of getting it. It won’t last at 20 if she’s fed up with him anyway. Just let time take its course. The more you pressure, the more he will stay away.

Yes but least I would know he was happy me and his dad have been together 22 years all the same dad he was never asked to do anything help in house etc