“You’re here to help not to have cuddles”

V3ra

Deedaa my first born definitely hadn't read the Penelope Leach guide to bringing up babies that I was trying to follow in 1981 🤣

It was Dr Spock back in the 1970s! DD1 obviously hadn't read it but DS, wise baby, obviously had 👼👼

Deedaa my first born definitely hadn't read the Penelope Leach guide to bringing up babies that I was trying to follow in 1981 🤣

I always wonder how these mothers, with all their set ideas about how they want their babies looked after, will get on when the babies are older. That's when you realise that the baby hasn't read the posts on Mumsnet and hasn't watched the Youtube videos. Both of mine were very unimpressed by my ideas!

NewNana2

During a casual chat with son, he said the above comment. We’re due to visit and I lovingly said I can’t wait to have a cuddle with their baby. He said that I must use the correct words when talking or texting my DIL as it’s very important. I know they are first time parents and want everything the way they want. Totally understand. Is this happening with others too? I appreciate your views.

Was he saying it kiddingly? If my adult child or inlaw said that to me, after all the years of HARD work raising my children, I would be livid! You deserve to have as many cuddles as possible!!! And that was an very unkind and disrespectful comment he made. If that is what I might expect for my visit, I might cancel and go on a cruise instead - and if you don't think I deserve a cuddle then you don't deserve my help!!

Grammaretto

Have you met the baby yet?
It sounds rude to me. Are you his mother?
I wouldn't like being spoken to like that and would say so.

Was he saying it kiddingly? If my adult child or inlaw said that to me, after all the years of HARD work raising my children, I would be livid! You deserve to have as many cuddles as possible!!! And that was an very unkind and disrespectful comment he made. If that is what I might expect for my visit, I might cancel and go on a cruise instead - and if you don't think I deserve a cuddle then you don't deserve my help!!

I might have gone and taken a peek and made the right noises, LRavenscroft 😀

But I remember DB saying babies weren't the slightest bit interesting until they were at least six months old.

Of course, my own were 👼

Callistemon21

^Please note I do love my grandchildren - I'm just not drawn to tiny babies!^
Especially when they're not your own! 👼

Exactly. My cousin and her son and daughter in law called on the off chance of me being at home to introduce the new baby which was asleep in the back of their car. I actually wasn't that bothered and the mother obviously did not want the baby woken up and ripped out so I just waved from my front door with my cousin running to and from the door to the car and back and the daughter in law scowling daggers at us. I just waved and shouted 'Lovey to see you. Bye'. and closed the door. Last time I ever saw or heard from them thank goodness.

I’ve just had my first visit from my granddaughter, partner and their new baby girl. They came to me on the way back from breast feeding clinic. Baby is a week old and going through all the usual traumas of breast feeding but they’re getting there. Baby has just had slight tongue tie cut which was also a problem for my first great grandchild. I just let new mum talk and tell me all about it,everything is very different from when I had my children or even when the grandchildren arrived butI haven’t come across any proper words yet.
I had ready a bag of gifts for the baby and had made a large cottage pie for them to save one evenings cooking. They were more happy with that than anything so I agree with others who say just listen,only offer advice if asked and just offer practical help.

The problem with asking for other's opinions on matters like this is that it's so centred around each person's own experience and feelings on the subject that you will end up going out the same door you came in - not really much wiser!

And, of course, none of us quite know the dynamics of the OP's family relationships, nor their history. Some small event, incident, seemingly unimportant and not even mentioned, can alter the whole picture.

If my son had spoken those words to me, I'd have been a tad shocked and upset - but that's because he was quite laid-back about becoming a father for the first time and because we also have a fairly relaxed and informal relationship with each other. But, we're all different and have a variety of family set-ups, so my situation is irrelevant really.

I hope the OP can just 'go with the flow' and accept that parenthood grabs people in different ways... it's early days yet. Best perhaps to just follow the 'rules' and be as helpful as possible, knowing that you are doing the right thing... but subtly make sure the parents understand that you are a blood relative and not the hired-help, and expect a small nod of understanding in that direction.

Please note I do love my grandchildren - I'm just not drawn to tiny babies!
Especially when they're not your own! 👼

That phrase is exactly the sort of thing my son would say to me - as a joke. So I wonder if OP's son didn't intend it to be taken so seriously.
Also, personally I fail to see the attraction of cuddling newborn babies - I'd prefer to do some housework! (Please note I do love my grandchildren - I'm just not drawn to tiny babies!)

The things I loved them to help with were the things they had special talents with that I felt I did not. My dad was a super-whizz in the kitchen and garden he laid great fires. Mum was terrific with mending and sewing as she was a tailor, she helped with ironing (think fiddly Laura Ashley!) washing changing curtains and other big jobs.
She was endlessly patient with older children learning to knit etc. and (later) when we had more babies both would entertain older siblings so I could have precious time with my new baby.

NotSpaghetti I began to wonder if you are my sister - they sound just like my Mum and Dad!

(However, I don't have a sister).

No excuse at all for your son’s rudeness. Many of us here, I would imagine, have been ‘first time parents’ and wouldn’t have been so disrespectful. My children certainly weren’t. Yes, some new mothers act like prima donnas - they should show some sensitivity and kindness. Enjoy your new grandchild NewNana2, and remember that you are a grandmother, not a servant! 💐

With family, I think you instinctively know whether it's OK just to pop in Oreo.

When ES was living on his own I would just pop round on the off chance he'd be in. When his wife moved in with him (before they married) although nothing was said, I started checking first. He once commented on it and was disappointed that this had changed so I just said that it's different now it's not just you living here.

Up to our estrangement he never stopped just coming down to our house and raiding the fridge, turning on the charm and asking me to make him a bacon sandwich; those were the days.

Not all families are the same and within a family, individual members will have a different approach to unannounced visits.

"Where's my coat?" indeed Callistemon.

Delila

When did family interaction become so rule-bound and lacking in spontaneity? When did people become so insecure that they have to create rigid boundaries that musn’t be crossed?
If a friend or family member turns up unexpectedly is it really a problem? In whose world is it disrespectful? Isn’t it just life?

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
It’s the me generation, fussing about boundaries and what words you must use to them.Snowflakes in other words.
Thankfully not all that generation tho there sure are a lot around.

Mitzigem - it may be that this type of "help" is a bone of contention...
It sounds like exasperation to me to be honest.

We all know what is actual help to us (personally) with a baby.
Just ask - but be careful not to criticise (or imply criticism). My parents (for example) always offered to hoover. They asked can they "help with the hoovering" nearly every visit. It was really irritating as I "knew" it meant that they thought I was living in a pigsty. Now I'm older and wiser I "know" they were just putting their ideas of how a home should look onto mine. . They truly loved me and I loved them but they were often at the receiving end of sharp comments - and these usually were around their ideas of "helping".

The things that helped me most was cooking a dinner for us and just dropping it off without coming in, washing up if someone did come in (but not mum and dad as that is criticising), emptying bins (but not mum and dad) , hanging the laundry out and putting in an hour in the garden... These are all difficult tasks at first with a baby in your arms.

If my parents had suggested that they could "come over to help" I would have been annoyed if they then said "I can’t wait to have a cuddle with baby"... it is definitely mixed messages.
BTW, My parents always had baby cuddles when they visited. Luckily they generally discussed when to come as they were a fair old drive away!

The things I loved them to help with were the things they had special talents with that I felt I did not. My dad was a super-whizz in the kitchen and garden he laid great fires. Mum was terrific with mending and sewing as she was a tailor, she helped with ironing (think fiddly Laura Ashley!) washing changing curtains and other big jobs.
She was endlessly patient with older children learning to knit etc. and (later) when we had more babies both would entertain older siblings so I could have precious time with my new baby.

OP. Please don't just think the worst of this little family. Truly listen to them and try to help on their terms with the jobs that they really want your help with. Think if you have "special skills" that are useful - and if you feel not, cooking is always appreciated I think...

Leave them to muddle through with the rest. They will be stronger for it in the end.

And you will be seen as a safe pair of hands and get plenty of cuddles in due course.

Good luck.
💐

To answer your question if this is happening to others . My son would never talk to me in that way , that I’m
here to help and not for cuddles . I think thats awful . Of course there are boundaries with everyone but that’s disrespectful in my book .

Is the baby relatively new? Often times it people (even us Grans) are keen to say we want to come over to “help” new mums out but what we really mean is to come home the baby for her. This is not help - in fact it’s the opposite. What new mums need in the way of help is - actual help. Someone to bring a meal, maybe run a load of wash, do some shopping etc so she can focus on feeding and holding and recovering with her baby. Perhaps you’ve been guilty of coming over to “help”
In this regard ?

No, it isn't life when you work full time, have other responsibilities that must be taken care of no matter what and items in your agenda that cannot be postponed

What is disrespectful to me is a person assuming I can host at their convenience and be happy about it

When did family interaction become so rule-bound and lacking in spontaneity? When did people become so insecure that they have to create rigid boundaries that musn’t be crossed?
If a friend or family member turns up unexpectedly is it really a problem? In whose world is it disrespectful? Isn’t it just life?

Norah

Your son did you a huge favour.

He told you things aren't proceeding smoothly in their home, to watch what you say, not offer opinions or your advice, and to be a real help - which holding babies is decidedly not.

I didn't want advice nor opinions over 60 years ago, why would a new mother want advice now? Help with the cooking, maybe. Opinions, no.

Arrive with no expectations. Smile and nod, be kind and forgiving.

Me too.
Good advice

I admit I haven’t managed to read the whole thread but this really speaks to me:

visitors pounced on the new baby, and their only goal was to sit and cuddle

Do NOT be that person!
My daughter in law said (years later) that she loved that I left their first baby to her when I visited and just helped with the chaos and mess - unless she asked me to hold him.

The belief that anyone is entitled to cuddling by/of anyone is just wrong.

Usually they'll let us know or we'll make arrangements to call.

However, a couple of them have turned up from Australia unexpectedly over the years.
Yes, we were in!

Just the way I and my family feel too Callistemon
They’d plop down on a sofa and demand popcorn most likely.
😄

Also imagine having a child free afternoon with your husband.
Nothing on. 😯 I admit that could be a tad embarrassing