“You’re here to help not to have cuddles”

Dickens

Hithere

Correct words depend on what has been already sent or communicated used previously

But as we don't know what has already been sent or communicated, it's difficult to give any useful advice.

What are the 'correct' words to use to a new mother anyway - apart, perhaps, from respecting the proper pronunciation of the infant's name, or not talking to it in 'baby language'?

It seems to me all we know is OP is falling into "we’re undermined and second rate compared to wife’s family" as she said in her other thread. Which may be negative attitude for no reason.

Perhaps waiting, giving things time to calmly settle would be good.

@smileless2012 I know, I know it sounds like I’m making it up, but yes, I answer the door to gimme! She’s quite boisterous.

Hithere

Correct words depend on what has been already sent or communicated used previously

But as we don't know what has already been sent or communicated, it's difficult to give any useful advice.

What are the 'correct' words to use to a new mother anyway - apart, perhaps, from respecting the proper pronunciation of the infant's name, or not talking to it in 'baby language'?

Correct words depend on what has been already sent or communicated used previously

Goodbyetoallthat that's certainly my experience of friends and relatives who are GP's. They're available with help if needed and just want to enjoy being a GP which thankfully all of them are able to be.

I agree Dickens; what correct words and in what context?

Furthermore, I don't see the new father as 'standing up for his family'; is his mother not also part of his family?

Perhaps there is more to this than has been revealed so far. There is plenty of sound advice given and I hope it is of some help to the Poster and helps clarify the situation; having a new baby in a family should be such a joy; shame to spoil it with petty squabbles.

I'm puzzling over what the son means by using the "correct words" when texting or talking to DIL.

The 'correct words' - in relation to what?

“You’re here to help not to have cuddles” does sound rather curt - maybe it was just an unfortunate choice of words from a stressed father.

I know that blood is not thicker than water and that being a grandparent gives you no 'rights' but that doesn't mean that it's OK to talk to the grandmother as if she is the hired-help. There are more sensitive and polite ways to suggest that practical help is very much needed.

Unless you’re the sort of person who sits there, expecting to be waited on, and just wants to cuddle the baby, IMO that’s a bloody cheek. I doubt I’d say anything - anything to keep the peace - but I wouldn’t like it.

Like a pp, I’m often glad I only have daughters, but having said that, dd1’s MiL is lovely and they get on fine. (I do think she’s lucky with dd too, mind you.)

Might add that she brought up my son in law to be a whizz at everything from changing nappies and cooking, to plumbing in the new washing machine, so 👏👏 to dd’s MiL.

Apologies Smileless reading l it back my post came over more snippy that I intended (must have been reading too many Mumsnet posts!).
I am mid sixties & many of my friends/ colleagues are now (fairly new) grandparents & we just want to help where we can & certainly don’t want to take over. I didn’t get on particularly well with my mum but both her & my MIL were great grandparents.

Not all new mothers try to be perfect

They just try to adjust and survive, and enjoy the experience, despite the "good intentions" from others

How disrespectful to treat another adult just because they have something you want

Thanks March

www.gransnet.com/forums/ask_a_gran/1325105-Help-and-support-please

Op, please take it easy, you have a lifetime for cuddles.

Your son is standing up for his family

Apologies Goodbyetoallthat my post wasn't as clear as it should have been.

I don't see the relevance of mentioning GP's just wanting cuddles and giving unsolicited advice which has been mentioned here by some, not by you, as this is not something that the OP has done.

I’m not sure where I suggested the OP had done/ not done anything?
I was merely stating that in my experience the GPs I know have tried to help & not hand out unsolicited advice. But that is just my experience yours may be different.

I don't see the relevance to this particular thread because the OP hasn't done that either Goodbyetoallthat.

Good posts Scribbles, BlueBelle and eazybee.

So without even saying 'hello' the first thing your m.i.l. says is "gimmie, gimmie, gimmie" while "she's snatching for the baby"
AugustDay .

I know everyone’s circumstances are different but this hasn’t been my experience at all with with either my D or DIL .
I have no particular desire to as Glorianny suggests “ be allowed to look after GC alone”
I enjoy helping out with whatever is needed. When our DS & DIL recently had baby GS we took food , cooked & cleared up then had cuddle with baby whilst DIL had a shower.
Our D has 5 year old twins we & her partners parents help out where we can.
I haven’t come across GP who just want to cuddle the baby & hand out unsolicited advice.

The point of this post centres on the words:
"you are here to help, not to give cuddles."
Incredibly rude. Would you speak to the hired help like this? The grandparents were preparing for a visit; no oh how nice to see you, look at our beautiful baby; simply :
you are here to help.
I gather from GN that there are plenty of officious young parents telling their parents what to do, while expecting help and free childcare without question. I have only seen it once with one daughter and mother I know well, but she always treated her mother as dirt from childhood and still expects her to run round her now. The mother in her turn was faintly contemptuous of her mother because of her lack of education, You can behave like that with a paid nanny; they can always leave and frequently do; no-one has to put up with it unless they love the child, which is the case here.

It sounds as though the OP is doing a great deal to help; it doesn't sound as though she is interfering; it also sounds as though things are not going well with baby by 'following a process'. Best to step aside for a time without any acrimony, and leave them to cope.

aggie

The right words ! That rings a bell with me !
Modern (?) thinking is not to use baby words , but speak clearly and correctly

how we had to explain why we were doing what we were doing and how we cringed when an mil or other relative did something we didn't approve

No I was happy with any help my mum and dad gave and my mum in law never gave me any problems at all, I knew they were much more experienced than me and was happy to have advice and support whether I continued using it or not was then up to me
I think it’s horrible to be so formal that you have to ask permission to say or do anything with a baby now I can understand that with a stranger or someone you don’t know well ……but a grandchild ….wow

When my Mum comes to visit, she says hello, asks me how I am, tells me about her day and asks if I want her to hold my baby if I haven’t already offered a cuddle.

When my MIL comes to visit the first thing out of her mouth is literally “gimmie, gimmie, gimmie!” and she’s snatching for the baby. Now I know she would describe this as being enthusiastic and loving, but to me it’s grating and offputting.

Not suggesting you are being this blunt, but words do matter, and what may seem innocuous to you may not be perceived that way to your DIL. Your son is trying to help, maybe a chat to him about what the right words are, and some clarification about what exactly is causing friction could help you. Try to respond without defensiveness, as I’m sure you haven’t done anything deliberately malicious and he will know that.

Sometimes, when I read threads like this one, I am glad that I'm not a grandparent nor ever likely to be. So much pussyfooting around! I just couldn't be doing with it.

I seem to remember, as a very new parent, being grateful for the visiting relatives who made me a coffee or did the washing up and, if they chucked in some unasked-for advice, then I'd smile, shrug, make a non-commital noise and carry on doing things my way. They were welcome to a cuddle, too. Whyever not?

Maybe it's a result of too much social media and not enough real socialising but common sense and common courtesy seem too often these days to be missing from human interaction.

All this advice about pulling your son up for rudeness, asking to be paid etc - this is bad advice and will set you on a path to estrangement.

Pride comes before a fall..

Agreed, good advice.

OP I've just read your last thread about your son spending his 1st father's day in France as that's where his inlaws live?
Is your DIL French?
Is that he ment by using the right words?

Does no-one remember how much conflicting advice was thrown at us when our children were babies? And how we had to explain why. we were doing what we were doing and how we cringed when an mil or other relative did something we didn't approve of?
At least today's parents have the strength and the ability to speak out and set the rules they want. The baby isn't yours, and no matter how much you dislike the rules you have to stick to them. If you do so you will build trust and will be allowed to look after your GC alone as they grow. You can then break the rules a bit. (But be warned once they can talk they will loudly declare any infringement to their parents- "Granny let me... gave me.... etc.

Can we not stoke up OPs resentment towards a new mum who is probably tying herself in knots trying to be the perfect (by todays guidelines) parent for OPs grandson? OP, your son snd dil are taking this responsibility incredibly seriously, that's a good thing. They will learn in their own time that perfect isn't possible, in the meantime it's unkind to mock them, and it won't endear you to them at all. Just tell them they're doing a good job? Maybe allow yourself to be a bit vulnerable with them, share that you had your own fears as a new mum, and how all you wanted was to do the best for your kids, based on what you knew then? And leave it there.

All this advice about pulling your son up for rudeness, asking to be paid etc - this is bad advice and will set you on a path to estrangement. Pride comes before a fall.

Tried to delete my comment as it was not aimed at childcare especially