“You’re here to help not to have cuddles”

For heavens sake where has this all come from, your son is rude, he said you are here to help, not nice to see you Mum or even treating you kindly.
I love my son and daughter but would not take this cr.p.
I am sick of hearing about hormones and all other things, it does not give anyone the right to behave like this. I never have this with my Grandchildren.
For the sake of seeing your Grandchild you need to be careful, pleasant and not overstep, but it would stick in my throat.

What are these wrong words OP?

Sorry to write so many short posts but I'm still getting the awful Aldi popup interrupting my posts

As for the baby. How do you know whether to offer to do the dishes or admire the baby?
I would need a written list of instructions.

Truly doggie care is different these days. They think I might leave him alone or worse, let him escape.

I'm not even trusted to look after the dog!

I have just looked her up Aveline brilliant!!

I wish I could post comedienne Leeanne Morgan's take on this. She's so funny and spot on.

What a minefield. I think its all been said already here. I would just underline the tread softly part and look after yourself its too easy for well meaning Grandmas particularly the paternal ones to get hurt during this process. Good Luck

Well NewNan2 this all sounds like a frightful bore to me.
To be honest at 3 months, the mum’s hormones should have stabilised a bit surely….all being well.
Unless they have a team of lackies who “use the right words, don’t want physical contact with the baby yet are trustworthy and caring enough to do baby minding….which is unlikely)
….I should imagine that sometime during the next year these “thoroughly modern” parents will be more than glad of someone who actually wants to be there.
Otherwise NewNan I would be sorely tempted to insist they visit you instead, and to make it clear, in as kindly a way as is possible that you are grandma and not the hired help.

Your son sounds extremely rude, and as his mother you should tell him so, politely but firmly.
I an tired of hearing about these brand new parents who have no experience at all about bringing up children laying down the law, usually received opinion, so rudely to those who have a lifetime of experience.

There speaks a man who’s exhausted, needs help and may well have used the wrong words himself with an exhausted new mum. First time parenthood is a shock - well, it was for me. New roles will start to feel comfortable and all will be well with time.

aggie

The right words ! That rings a bell with me !
Modern (?) thinking is not to use baby words , but speak clearly and correctly

But Aggie he said to use the right words to the DiL.

The right words ! That rings a bell with me !
Modern (?) thinking is not to use baby words , but speak clearly and correctly

You will just have to go along with what your son and DIL want. You are obviously doing all you can to help and I can understand how you feel. Modern parents are so touchy ! Yes I know that hormones are all over the place but really!?

Just be as nice as pie- then she won’t be able to whinge. Sometimes I am glad I only have daughters ….

Sorry, I mistakenly thought that you hadn't met the baby yet. Not that that changes much, except it suggests that dil is already further along the road towards low contact or no contact than I first thought,

If your dil is on Mumsnet, she has probably been indoctrinated against mils already. On there, paternal mils seem to be almost unanimously despised and to be completely cut off at the first possible opportunity.
Honestly, it's getting so bad on there that it would be closed down if hatred of any other group of people was being so openly expressed.
What irony that Mumsnet and Gransnet are sister sites!

Tread carefully, OP, very carefully. The fact that you have had this advance warning from your son, while understandably very upsetting, is a good thing in that it at least gives you the chance to totally re-think and alter your expectations of your role as paternal grandmother before permanent damage is done. It sounds like you will be walking on eggshells, so start practicing right now ...

Just read through your comments. Thank you. Baby is 3 months old and I’ve always tried to do whatever they want me to do with their baby- feed, change nappy, soothe. I clean, cook, walk the dog, make a drink when there and try to be mindful of their needs. I’m very tactile with the baby whereas dil is a new mum and process driven led by what she’s read on internet or seen from own mum. It feels to me that she wants her guidelines to be followed to the letter. No deviation from what she has said. There’s no room for any other suggestions. That’s fine because I don’t want to upset my son who I love dearly.

It think I would have laughed at that comment, thinking he was joking!
FGS!
You do have to be careful with Daughters in law though. I have never offered any advice to mine , never been asked for it. Just be there if needed, never criticise and always take their side.
If you are offered a cuddle, take it and be grateful.

Whoops sorry yes reading it again she has been warned about cuddles I was so gob smacked about the use the right words missed that but ohh for a edit button SIGH

Make sure you use the right words for heavens sake what the heck are right words ?
She hasn’t been told not to pick it up, not to cuddle it, not to breathe on it, not to kiss it. but to use the right words

Thank goodness my kids are all sane and normal and I acted the same way towards my grandkids as my mum and dad acted to mine and how I brought up my own kids
My cuddles were never rationed and I still have a wonderful relationship with all 7 just got off the phone from, my second one who is travelling and rang me from the Far East the wonders of messenger she was a screamer as a baby so her mum was always happy when I was there to cuddle and walk her around for ages

Yes, going back, I remember a lady from our church ripping the cover off my pram and going coochy coo to my new baby who started screaming! On the other hand my cousin invited us around to see her new baby and on us entering the house told us not to expect anything from her. Why invite us? I wasn't really interested in the first place!

Think back to when your own babies were small. What helped were the people who arrived with food, did the washing up, ask ed if they could do anything to help and didn’t overstay their welcome. What didn’t help were guests who just wanted to hold the baby and expected to be served food and drinks.

One of the biggest and most common complaints I’ve heard from new moms is that visitors pounced on the new baby, and their only goal was to sit and cuddle the new baby.

Thing is, that’s often the last thing a new parent wants or needs, someone taking the baby from them. They often need help: a meal, errands run, some laundry. One particular situation I know of, grandma breezed in, took baby from Mom’s arms, and told her to go get dinner started! The woman was just home from a C-section, for crying out loud!

An extreme example, but it happens.

If you take the view of going to help, and any baby moments are a bonus, it’ll probably help. After all, baby and mom aren’t on a schedule in the early days, they may both sleep through your visit, no way of predicting it.