What to do - daughter and grandkids living with us

Is there any social housing in Australia? If so, has she applied? It's a shame that you agreed to her partner moving in - as it will have reduced her incentive (and efforts) to find a place of her own.

There certainly needs to be a time limit to this arrangement. Temporary is temporary. Could you involve the agencies that work with/for your autistic daughter to move things along? As it's detrimental to her welfare, I feel that they should back you up.

I'm very pleased that you've found a solution that suits all of you.. even if it is temporary. You sound the kindest of parents

I’m so glad this came up. My daughter announced that when she has her extension built next year that she, her boyfriend and my granddaughter will move in with us!
We get on but do have issues and I’ve been feeling anxious about already.
But now it’s Chrystal clear that I will be saying no.
It will end in disaster as lockdown nearly did . They lived with me but without the boyfriend.
Yep…never gonna happen

I feel your pain! I have my son here half the time with his two children. In many ways they are pretty good, but I still find it a strain when things are left around, and I totally 'get' the panic attack from the mess. I have said many times on this site, we have raised an 'entitled' bunch, now we have to put on our Big Granny Pants and say when enough is enough. (Ending up in hospital qualifies as 'enough'!!!)

Flogran

Oh thankyou so much for your wonderful replies!

Pjcpjc77 my heart goes out to you - yes, it's always a fear of mine too, to be cut off from grandchildren would be devastating.

In answer to some questions, we are in Australia, and the housing crises truly is terrible - it will take time for them to find a place, I get that - but they need to try!

My autistic daughter actually went and stayed with her other sister a couple of months because she was struggling with having the grand kids around, and yes, she has several health professionals involved in her care who certainly could say it's affecting her! I feel silly now that I hadn't actually thought to do that!

I will start documenting things - I don't like to do that but it may well be necessary. After my little 'episode' I did message both her and her partner from my hospital bed, but apparently she was 'so angry and triggered' that I'd yelled at them that she didn't respond.

I've also (as of today) started seeing a therapist so will work through things with him as well.

Thanks so much!

You wrote,

"After my little 'episode' I did message both her and her partner from my hospital bed, but apparently she was 'so angry and triggered' that I'd yelled at them that she didn't respond".

Instead of being mature and caring about your well-being and taking on board that her being there( and her partner!!) is too stressful for you and no longer appropriate, she chooses to be 'angry and triggered' so that you are rendered powerless. A very effective way of shutting you up! It's a tactic, probably subconscious, to get her own way and not have to face up to where she is at.

You say your 'little' episode... that is diminishing your distress. It wasn't a little episode, it was your body telling you enough is enough! You had to go to hospital!

How about saying you have been happy to be able to help but now she needs to move, and give a time frame.

I hope the therapist helps you find a way through and out of this.

I just read your update about the caravan and the caravan park, and I think it really might be the solution for you! But!! You will have to be carefull not to let the 4 of them move back in! Imagine theyncome to you and complain about the place being too cramped/cold/hot/whatever etc., you have to be prepared to say no if they ask to move back into your house. It would be good if your younger daughter was good and well installed in the garage-studio as soon as possible. That could maybe discourage your older daughter and her lazy partner to play the poor little abandoned child.

Hetty58

Is there any social housing in Australia? If so, has she applied? It's a shame that you agreed to her partner moving in - as it will have reduced her incentive (and efforts) to find a place of her own.

There certainly needs to be a time limit to this arrangement. Temporary is temporary. Could you involve the agencies that work with/for your autistic daughter to move things along? As it's detrimental to her welfare, I feel that they should back you up.

I agree with this. In Oz are there any Social Services Depts. at the local Council? I would get the social workers who work with your younger child to find someone to help you on the grounds that it is affecting your health, which it is. If necessary get locks fitted on "your private rooms". Your daughter and boyfriend are beyond cheeky, you must seek outside help for your own sanity.

Meant to send this, sorry I am not as young as I was and I am not the brightest with technology 💐🌷🍰

Once they've left I'd be changing your locks! You may not get your caravan back, but it's better than what you've endured.

why are you kow-towing to them so much.
you said she decided that she wanted your caravan, so that is what's happening.
as if she is the great dictator.
what she says goes.
can you not see how cock-eyed this dynamic is.
and for your younger daughter too, being subjected to all this.

Honestly, I think you’re fabulous and now she also has a new partner living there too whilst you cope with noisy messy grandchildren and an autistic adult daughter ! Your daughter and her partner are blatantly taking advantage of you xx Very good luck

you started with good intentions,but it now sounds like a nightmare.Logic and emotional entanglements with family for me at least stop me thinking straight at the time .Your daughter and partner have taken your life away for now.Very hard to give them marching orders but for your peace of mind? I would get some support if you are going to confront them,as it has had a bad reaction for you,yes they are behaving REALLY badly. My son and family emigrated and on 3 occasions he asked me to live with them, somehow without an explanation he changed his mind, i look back and see how i dodged a big bullet! Back in the early 80s i lived with my ex's family it was the worst 4 years of life.Tribal peoples had their own igloos,tipis etc. i don't believe us humans can live together in harmony,i hope you get a resolution soon.

You have achieved much - they are leaving. The hard bit will be to stay firm and not allow them back, because undoubtedly caravan living won't appeal as much as living in a house. However, that may be the spur for her to do something about a permanent home for her family, so remember, if they want to come back, that you are using 'tough love' to encourage her to find her own way. Good luck.

Well done, Flogran. I hope it all
works out well for everyone. You deserve some peace and quiet. Just wondering - does the boyfriend not have any family to help him out?

So what if you are “complaining”. You have a right to. Your daughter is an adult. She needs to take responsibility for her own life. Moving in her partner suggests she’s had enough free time to both find a mate and get so serious that she moved him in. She should have used that time trying to stabilize her living situation for her children.

Good to read you sat down with her. Regardless of the outcome, you’ve helped her so much more telling her that she must find a place than you would letting her stay and behave like a teen. She obviously wasn’t making a plan to get on her feet without prompting. You’ve nothing to feel bad about. Your update is what I consider a happy ending.

biglouis

Why have you made it so easy to be guilt-tripped by someone who appears to be making little effort to stand on her own feet? You have made your contribution to the community and now its time to think of yourself.

Whenever I read threads like this Im soooo glad I made the wise choice to be childfree. It seems that even when they are supposed to be grown adults you are still stuck with them hanging about your neck like a millstone. If Id been foolish enought to have them I would have kicked them out by their early 20s.

What a sweet helpful comment.😲
I’d say that you don’t know what you’re missing bigluis
Sure you can get problems with both kids and with AC but not everyone has this and you can also get problems with just about anyone else in your life, sisters, brothers, parents and grandparents and friends.Your idea would be to have none of these would it? If you have love in your life with family and friends then there will sometimes be problems as well
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Good luck flogran
Sounds like the caravan idea is the best outcome at least for now.
What a shame your DD has jumped into a relationship so quickly, I hope the DGC are ok, what a lot they have had to put up with.Hope your other DD is now happy to have her own space again, and you too.

I wish I had a caravan. I would even buy one for my homeless AC and DGC if there was anywhere to put it in an urban metropolis. But then, when I broke my leg, there was no-one else to call for help and visit me in hospital and feed me when I came home immobile for 6 weeks. I sometimes think I would give anything for peace and quiet and my own space but would .I really. Hmm

Did your DD ask you if the BF could move in,or did she just move him in?
If he was to stay for just one or 2 nights, or the occasional one, then he has overstayed his welcome.
Are they paying rent? If not, start charging. If they are, well times are hard, increase it!!
Turn off the Internet between certain hours - nightly when the children don't need it for homework!
They chose to live there so limit their time in your home. If they need access to wash clothes, set out a chart for when they can use the washing machine etc.
Make living there as a necessity hard for them so they want to move!
Where are his family? Where was he before? Can they move in with his family?
Could you get social services, or whatever you have out there, to help? Surely they'd prefer they had a house or flat, especially for the sake of the children, than living there!
And, in the case of the children, it must be awful for them if they're in that room while mum & BF are having 'fun'!!

If you kicked out your daughter and her kids in UK the LA would have to put them in emergency accommodation and eventually rehouse them. Do you have a similar organization in OZ?

Thanks again everyone! Did she ask if her new bf could move in? kind of - yes, but she'd already manipulated the situation where he had nowhere else to go. Sadly, his mother became very ill and had to move in with her sister. The bf kept the apartment, but with a reduced income and flatmates from hell, he gave it up. So, he was left with no income and no home - hence we got talked into it! I should have handled that one better but such is life.

The more time that passes, the more I am realising just how manipulative she is. And she's good at it - despite the current rental crises, she's been in and had meetings with the Real Estate agent, and they have found her a house! I'm so glad for my grandbabies - at least now they will have a home! Hopefully, she will keep it clean enough, but not my problem - they move in tomorrow!

I wish I had put my foot down regarding sharing kitchen duties, washing charts, etc. etc. I tried once to put up lists and she threw and absolute tantrum. Even when I asked her to clean up etc she always had excuses. But you live and learn.

Thankyou again everyone, this thread really helped.

Well done, onwards and upwards, Flogran! This has served as a brilliant warning to others!