What to do - daughter and grandkids living with us

Flogran, I hope that doesn't sound like I'm complaining, it's just quite stressful and I'm not sure what else to do - she does tend to take advantage and I tend to enable it! She's also very good at manipulating conversations and denying conversations ever took place. I did suggest perhaps writing up some sort of 'contract' for renting the back room but she instantly shut me down with 'nope, I'd never do that to MY children!'

Well done you not slapping her silly!

Seriously, complaining is the least you should be doing! Complain on. Then, write her a 'contract' with an end date.

Doesn't really matter what she'd do with her children, does it? She is modeling terrible entitled behaviour. She needs to save and move.

You are not complaining!! You are entitled to some calm and peace . You are also entitled to make provision for your youngest daughter who has autism. You daughter seems very adept at not acknowledging previous conversations! You have given your daughter and her children a home in an emergency situation, she has now brought her new partner into your property........what !!!!??????
You have a sound assessment of what is happening ' I tend to enable it' . Easily done I know that but this situation is continuing because you are allowing it to happen! One hospital stay is quite enough, be brave , support her in finding alternative accommodation as soon as possible. As for having her partner there - NO NO NO! He is taking advantage of you , thinks he is on to a winner. Asking him to leave may be your first move , if your daughter can't bear the thought of being without him she may go with him . A difficult situation I recognize that and your GC are a priority, however .......?

It's time to make sure they are as uncomfortable as possible. They have their space - tell your daughter that they must stick to that space and not invade yours. Give them a firm date, ignore all attempts to make you feel guilty.

I presume you are in the US - so no idea about the legalities of things over there (I only have Judge Judy to go on!), but maybe you must draw up a legal contract with set notice periods etc. Never mind if she objects.

My heart goes out to you.
Living with children, relatives or anybody else your sharing your home with is extremely stressful.
However be careful what you wish for and you don't end up as I have got speaking my mind. I am no longer allowed to see my grandchildren because for the first time in fifty years I spoke my mind to my narcissist daughter and her treatment of not just my grandchildren but her friends those she has left and my sister.
Stay strong my prayers are with you.

She is emotionally manipulating (reads, guilt tripping) and gaslighting (thats when she denies conversations took place. This is abusive.

Faced with an abusive husband I first contacted a solicitor on the qt to find out what my rights and possibilities were. You have a special needs daughter already, and a major health incident.
I've no idea what might come out of it to help you, but there may be ways and means you haven't thought of.

Secondly I kept a record of anything written, and where possible sounds recordings on the qt on my mobile. Ie being able to say, "you were aware of this, you did try to manipulate me by saying that" etc.

You could for example write down the problem as you see it and propose the contract, boundaries, deadlines, and ask for a written response. Dated, as in implying you can't deny you have heard this from this point.

No doubt you will get all kinds of *hit for requesting that, but say that due to your own health and your daughter special needs you feel it's necessary. Her verbal refusal to write back can be cited as significant. (Now that conversation would be a good to record?)

Are there any health professionals involved in your autistic daughter's care? As in people who can say it's affecting her? Your GP as in its affecting you?

yes, binge watch some judge judy to get your courage up, and tell her what's what.
have it on v loud in the lounge area, your lounge remember, at all times day and night.
thereby you will imbibe strong older woman persons, and your daughter may be annoyed enough by the constant loud judge to make moves to shove off.
you did not agree for unknown adult male to move in either.
that is a gross invasion of your privacy and security, and that of your younger daughter.
she will never voluntarily give up manipulating and taking advantage.
you need to change your demeanour and act.
good luck.

Oh thankyou so much for your wonderful replies!

Pjcpjc77 my heart goes out to you - yes, it's always a fear of mine too, to be cut off from grandchildren would be devastating.

In answer to some questions, we are in Australia, and the housing crises truly is terrible - it will take time for them to find a place, I get that - but they need to try!

My autistic daughter actually went and stayed with her other sister a couple of months because she was struggling with having the grand kids around, and yes, she has several health professionals involved in her care who certainly could say it's affecting her! I feel silly now that I hadn't actually thought to do that!

I will start documenting things - I don't like to do that but it may well be necessary. After my little 'episode' I did message both her and her partner from my hospital bed, but apparently she was 'so angry and triggered' that I'd yelled at them that she didn't respond.

I've also (as of today) started seeing a therapist so will work through things with him as well.

Thanks so much!

Having her partner move in is unacceptable and a huge invasion of your privacy. So many reasons why this has to end, Australia is a very long way away but my good wishes are winging their way to you. You have a massive problem to solve - get as much legal advice as you can and I wish you strength.

Sending love. You're being used x

Get a contract drawn up with a limit as to how long she stays and give them formal notice; you have a pressing need for the converted garage for your daughter and the longer you allow them to stay the more difficult it will become.
Do not allow them any more rooms or you will find your house slowly but surely taken over. I know someone this happened to and she is now living in a one-bedroom flat while her son's family have claimed possession of the (rented) house. Really don't understand how they managed but they have.

Can only agree with what everyone else has said Flogran and the sooner the better .

It’s a long time ago now but when my marriage broke down I stayed put in my house. I had a new baby girl and a three year old son I had no intention of leaving. My then husband had to leave as I got an injunction out against him.
I know everyone’s circumstances are different but I am wondering why your daughter left her home if the children are only young they are entitled to be there. I don’t think the law has changed so your daughter could have stayed where she was. Allowing the boyfriend in your home was a big mistake I am sure you know that. I do hope you get the situation sorted even though it’s obviously difficult and not good for your health.

This is a really tough situation, especially as they seem to use your house as well as the garage.. I think it might be worth talking to a solicitor in case they refuse to leave.. goodluck

It’s just not so easy and black and white as just getting her out, you love her, you want it to be amicable , we do everything we can when our kids are hurting to help them.
Shame the boy friend moved in as that makes it even harder but again I m sure you were just trying to make her happy after her break up.
Talk it over with your counsellor and hopefully she/he will help you make some firm decisions but be realistic it may take them a while to get somewhere else but certainly let her know it is only short term help
I hope it works out with out a fallout

Sorry for your difficulties,
You have mentioned your daughter circumstances but what about the partner? Is he working why ain't they able to save the money for a deposit between them ? If they are living in the apartment rent free and they can't save a deposit how will they manage the rent and utilities when they do move out. They sound like a pair of cuckoo's in the nest. Hopefully your counselling sessions will enable you to have the strength to get them shifted soon.He

I would sit them down and say that this is not working anymore, there is simply not enough space and it is time to actively look for somewhere else to live.

You have far more patience than me, I could only have put up with a month at most.

Thankyou all for your replies, you guys have helped so much!

Redhead56 you are quite right - my daughter had a home, but she 'didn't want to live in that town anymore', so moved the 1000 kms north because she had big plans of owning her own 5 bedroom home etc etc, with not a penny to her name. It was never going to work but she was determined, and yes, and I was guilt-tripped. The boyfriend is now working, but originally he lost his job, so couldn't pay for an apartment, and was looking at having it live in his car - and yep, us kind parents agreed he could stay with us as well - I THOUGHT that would help as they could then work together to get their own place. Here we are months later and they don't even have a bond to be able to rent somewhere.

I agree it's time for a sit down and lay things on the line.

Thanks so much, really appreciate your help.

Update: after a couple of 'sitdowns', where honestly we still didn't even get to the real issues, I gave my daughter 3 months to find somewhere else. She came back an hour later and stated that 3 months isn't enough time to find a house, so in that case, can she borrow our caravan and go live in the caravan park long-term?

oh she is going to hate it but it's what she now wants to do so that's happening.. the four of them are going! It may or may not last but it may well be the push she needs to find them a home. For now, that's it! Thanks once again xxx

Thanks for your update Flogran. I don't post much but often follow threads. It's great when you get feedback from a poster that they've followed advice given here. Hope it works out for you and your daughter and family and you get your house back and your autistic daughter can get her own space.

I expect they will be able to find a new home quite quickly when they are living in the caravan.

You will have to stand firm and remember how bad it was when they ask to move back in.

Why have you made it so easy to be guilt-tripped by someone who appears to be making little effort to stand on her own feet? You have made your contribution to the community and now its time to think of yourself.

Whenever I read threads like this Im soooo glad I made the wise choice to be childfree. It seems that even when they are supposed to be grown adults you are still stuck with them hanging about your neck like a millstone. If Id been foolish enought to have them I would have kicked them out by their early 20s.

Have you leased the caravan to them , or given it ?
I hope they can afford the fees , and that you get it back in decent condition !

Phew, that is one solution and at least you will have some p and q. I don’t know where you are in Australia but if it is down south she’ll find it chilly so that might encourage her to get a rental. It is hard now with our rental situation and she might have to move a bit further out to get something a bit cheaper. Hate to say it but her new partner sounds a bit of a doofus, you’d think he/she would want to be independent. Good luck , you are doing the right thing .

Well done on getting this far Flogran now you have to stay strong and not let the situation repeat itself. You need to take care of yourself and the rest of your family now.