My mother is dying

Thank you Sielha 🙏

Ah bless, you’re doing all the right things but there’s no easy path. Talking about it helps and maybe just go with the sadness and grief you feel at the moment. You know you will eventually come to terms with it but you need to go through this now. Take care x

How sad for you Dinahmo but you’d mother’s ending sounds very peaceful. Hetty, she has been moved to a general ward and the info about reablemeng care is most helpful.

LaCrepescule, a stay in an acute stroke ward can be just seven to ten days - so I'm wondering what follows. Maybe she'll transfer to a general ward or even be discharged with a care plan in place.

If she does rally round and improve, she's entitled to six weeks of 'free 'reablement care' either in hospital, at home or in a care home. Do bear that in mind and stay strong.

My father died of cancer aged 55. To all intents and purchases I started to lose my mother at that age as she was diagnosed with pre senile dementia and later with Alzheimers.

I was in my 30s at the time and often felt envious of women my age having a day out with their mums.

My mother lived for a few years in a care home, which was very good. One day I was phoned and told that she had pneumonia and wouldn't last very long. My sister and I sat by her bedside for a week talking to her and each other about our lives. She died a week later. As I left the care home I felt a great weight being lifted from me. It was strange because it was not something that I was thinking.

It is time to start letting go and, if you can cope with it, to spend time with her and talk to her. She many not be able to respond but she will hear you.

Thinking of you x

Ah, thank you again. Yes am trying to eat and sleep well and being in nature is a wonderful balm. Hetty, they haven’t said she’s EoL yet but we’re waiting for the consultant to come back from holiday and they’ll have a meeting with us then.

eddiecat78

Just to say my MIL was in this situation 9 months ago. She's still here!

My 99 year old friend has been in that situation too - several times over the past few years. She's still here.

Thinking of you. It's not going to be easy, but I'd say to continue to do what you are doing. Don't forget to be kind to yourself though, will you? Take some time out for a walk/coffee, just looking at nature, listening to birds - whatever helps. From experience, when it does happen you do get through - there's arrangements to be made, people to inform etc., etc. Again, take time for yourself during that period. xx

Just sending you a virtual hug ❤️

LaCrepescule

I went to see her today. She’s bed-bound and paralysed on the left side. Can hardly talk but recognises her loved ones.Is it tine to let her go? She’s suffering and I hate it. The clinicians are great but lack understanding xx

Of course you feel like this and you are right now is the time to let her go. I felt like that when my parents died, both were suffering and when it happened I felt a mixture of enormous loss but also relief. I was on a train a couple of weeks or so later and I started to cry and I couldn’t stop. Passengers were looking at me so tried not to wipe my eyes and I was grateful they didn’t ask me if I was alright. That was 17 years ago and as I write this the tears are again streaming. The Queen was right when she said that grief was the price we pay for love.

Don't forget to eat well, take a walk in the sunshine or enjoy a warm bath with bubbles. Please take care of yourself as it will give you strength for the days to come. Sending you a virtual hug.

LaCrepescule, just take each day as it comes - and make sure that you look after yourself really well. Losing someone close is always a big shock to the system, whatever their age.

Have the doctors told you that she's 'end of life' and are there plans in place for her care?

Awake early, thinking about mum. I’ve come back here and continue to find great comfort in all your lovely posts. ❤️

Thoughts with you LaCrepescule

I lost my Mum 30 years ago and I still miss her 💔

Lovely helpful post GrandtanteJE65

Can you get in touch with Cruse, which is set up to help people get through in your situation. There is also a Carers association.

I know its not any help but your Mother has had a long life and a lot longer than many.

And yes you need to go through the letting go process... we all have to do this at some point. It's a painful process and grieving can affect different people in different ways. Just keep reaching out and saying and expressing how you are feeling... try not to bottle things up.

It does get easier with time but I know that is difficult to imagine when you are right in the middle of it .

Sending you big hugs.

Just to say my MIL was in this situation 9 months ago. She's still here!

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through right now. Nothing can ever prepare us for losing a mother. It’s 31years today since my darling mum died. It still hurts massively. She was an amazing lady.
I hope with the help of you two brothers you get through this unhappy time. Sending 🤗 xxx

I am so sorry. It does not matter when you reach this point, how old your mother is.

What does matter is the fact that she has always been there and now she soon will not be there.

This hurts.

You ask is it time to let her go? Honestly, no one can answer that question for you.

My mother was in a coma for a month before she died. One day when I visited I held her hand and said, "If you want to go, Mummy, do so - M (my sister) and I will look after Daddy." I knew she had always worried about how he would cope if she died first (He coped well, as I had known he would). I could sense no reaction to my remark, but the following day she had opened her eyes and recognised my sister, then died three days later.

So perhaps your mother needs the reassurance that you are a big girl now, and can manage alone.

If she is suffering, speak to the doctors or the nursing staff and say clearly that you feel the important thing right now is to make sure your mother is in no pain, or as little pain as possible.

This statement will be understood to mean that you will not complain if an increased dosis of morphia shortens your mother's last days or hours.

Your feeling of numbness will pass, but right now it is probably preferable to feeling the need to weep constantly.

Try to think that your mother has lived a long life, and reached the point where life is becoming a burden to her.

Whatever your and her relationship has been, your post shows me clearly that you love her, and I have no doubt she loves you too. Try to remember the good times and don't blame yourself for the differences you and your mother have had.

I was pleased to see your update and hope your mum will recover sufficiently to have a satisfactory quality of life.
May I please make a small correction to my earlier post. I said my mum died in 2020 and I miss her still. It was 2000. I have felt guilty about the typo.

So sorry for you at this sad time. My Mum died suddenly at the age of 68. I had three young children and don’t know how I coped but it seems that people do.
Remember and speak to your Mum about the good times

I’m so sorry about your mum maddyone but your advice is so helpful. I’ve completely forgiven her for the things that she might have done and know she was only trying to do her best. Thank you sukie. Am at work but it all feels unreal but is probably a good distraction.

I'm so glad to see your update LaCrepescule, you've been on my mind. It's wonderful that you and your daughter were able to spend time with your mum today and that she was able to smile and talk, even just a little. It must have been very comforting for her to have you both there and to feel your kisses while holding her hand.