Feeling left out

Eazybee

And op may have told other people irl - much much worse

Since when medical information is public knowledge?

If your son did NOT betray her, as you say, I wonder what he was thinking when he quite unreasonably thought it would be ok to tell you.

Maybe he needed to think about this a bit more - I expect he will be more careful in future with private information if he genuinely didn't see this information as private.

I think it will all blow over and it will all feel more manageable soon.

MoaningTurtle, my advice would be to ask only in general terms about your daughter-in-law and definitely don't discuss anything you feel odd about her with others.

I hope your son and daughter-in-law come to terms with this worrying news and that all goes well for them and their new little one.

May I ask if you expect your son to visit dil's parents, alone, midweek? Tell dils parents of his private medical information?

We've only 4 daughters, we never enquire to our sons-in-law private medical health, nor do we visit them alone/without our daughters being with.

The idea that you don’t count your son’s dishonesty as a betrayal is telling. You believe it’s okay for him to lie to his wife, and for him to encourage you to do so as well. Why is that?

Please take some time and figure out if you expect to be a positive person around the young family during this time as the new family member makes their way into the world. You are a mother. You should still understand how delicate this time can be, especially as the couple will now be finding their new identity as married parents. Do not be a divisive presence in their lives. Remind yourself that this is not about you, and that your role is of a support person or nothing. Whenever you find a reason to speak ill of your DIL, discipline yourself and stop. Remind yourself that your relationship with this baby is through it’s parents only. Remind yourself that your son has to prioritize his wife. You are not an equal consideration here, and that’s okay. I have 3 sons. I understand it can be a weird transition from mum to gran, especially when the wife is not your daughter. But for harmony within the family, put your ego to the side and let your daughter in law navigate her journey as new mum in whatever manner she chooses. In my experience, people don’t forget those who try to make their lives harder in moments they needed support. But they also seldom forget who supports them the most.

Your daughter-in-law has had some news about her pregnancy which has upset her; your son has understandably told you, but his wife didn't want him to share it.

You have immediately posted it on GN.

Not very kind really, is it?

Violet Sky.
So my son “broke confidence” by telling me about the result of the scan not knowing his wife would kick off about him doing so.
I don’t think so!

I feel your pain Moaning Turtle but I think you have to reframe your relationship with your DIL. There have been some harsh comments on here and I totally get where you are coming from. Your DIL sounds rather spoilt and a bit of a drama Queen to me but it's her body, she is married to your son and they are now a separate family unit. As parents we have to back right off, be a listening ear if required but basically don't make waves as whether we like it or not they hold all the cards regarding time with grandchildren etc. I also wouldn't be giving money (apart from birthdays etc) as it can cause another source of stress and expectation. Stay calm, don't ring asking for news, be pleasant when you hear or see them and you might find that it will all work out in the end.

"my so did NOT betray her, he quite reasonably thought it would be ok to tell me, my DIL has no idea that he told me as she asked him not to share after he already had.
Thanks for the opinions but I’m leaving this here now!"

Your son asking you not tell her he told you is the betrayal

He is covering his ass because he knows that will create trouble

If you are not able to see this simple fact - this is doomed

Hithere

What can you do?

A lot! If you're willing, of course.

1. Do not ask your son more questions.
Wait for your dil to volunteer the information herself

2. Stop gossiping about your dil with family - however odd others find your dip

2a. Comparisons are deadly
Everybody has his/her own personality and you click or you don't
Forcing it doesn't work

3. Accept that any access you are granted is coming from what they are willing to give you and how much benefit or trouble they get from it

Nobody will cultivate a relationship that just gives grief and conflict

4. You barely see your gs now, expect not to see the new gc much either.

5. Your expectations are yours and yours only - hurt feelings and resentment will poison your future
Go to therapy if you have a hard time adapting to what you are facing right now

6. Don't expect anybody to do anything you want because you did something for them
That is called "gift or favour with strings attached" and it is very manipulative

Start there amd more suggestions can come depending how everything progresses

If your son needs support from his mother for this, he needs to adult and support his wife, not boicot their marital relationship

Son and dil can talk about how both can be supported and who is needed

Well put!!

Hithere

If your son was that non confrontational, he would not risk upsetting his wife

However, he is risking a fight with her to make you (or him) happy

That means he is not on the same page with his wife.

Trouble is brewing and won't end well

Exactly. And what is it with certain women making their sons essentially have to pick between what they want and what their wives want? It’s unnatural. It’s not about you anymore. This is the root cause of so many estrangements. It’s emotionally incestuous. It isn’t your son’s job to get his wife in line to fulfill your emotional needs. These young women have a right to make whatever decisions regarding their bodies that they want. That a gran would fancy herself a main point of consideration when these young parents are trying to find their way is problematic. Back off. These situations never end well, and the ones who get the worst of it are the grans who will spend the next few years vilifying and demonizing the daughter/son in law who dared to not fall in line. The young folks move on and live life. Not so on the other side for too many.

Yes it is hurtful Moaning Turtle. You have every right to know what is happening, as much right as the other grandparent. Your son is right to include you. You would have to know sooner or later what was happening anyway. As others have said, the baby is not just hers, it's your Son's as well. Hope all goes well for all your family.

I really can't see why your son can't share this important information with his own family - yet the daughter can share it with her own mother. What if he had told his that he didn't want her to share the information with her mother? I would have said that was very much controlling behaviour. Where is the harm in you knowing a little bit of what is going on? Your DIL sounds far too controlling for my liking and I really don't blame you for feeling hurt.

Correct, show love and interest. Btw, the fact you have given money is lovely, but doesn't bring "entitlement".

I'd keep the lines of communication open chatting about this and that and other matters and you might get some sharing back.

I am saying this one last time… my so did NOT betray her, he quite reasonably thought it would be ok to tell me, my DIL has no idea that he told me as she asked him not to share after he already had.
Thanks for the opinions but I’m leaving this here now!

What can you do?

A lot! If you're willing, of course.

1. Do not ask your son more questions.
Wait for your dil to volunteer the information herself

2. Stop gossiping about your dil with family - however odd others find your dip

2a. Comparisons are deadly
Everybody has his/her own personality and you click or you don't
Forcing it doesn't work

3. Accept that any access you are granted is coming from what they are willing to give you and how much benefit or trouble they get from it

Nobody will cultivate a relationship that just gives grief and conflict

4. You barely see your gs now, expect not to see the new gc much either.

5. Your expectations are yours and yours only - hurt feelings and resentment will poison your future
Go to therapy if you have a hard time adapting to what you are facing right now

6. Don't expect anybody to do anything you want because you did something for them
That is called "gift or favour with strings attached" and it is very manipulative

Start there amd more suggestions can come depending how everything progresses

If your son needs support from his mother for this, he needs to adult and support his wife, not boicot their marital relationship

Son and dil can talk about how both can be supported and who is needed

MoaningTurtle

"Laughing at the rabid feminist replies here. What a load of crap! "

Oh dear...It's nothing specific to feminism!

You are being offered some very pertinent thoughts from other Mums/grandmums who come to realise that many DiL's are a lot closer to their mums than they are to you, and there are many that do not want their husbands to discuss everything with their mothers.

Its being on gransnet that has helped me realise that I am far from alone in needing to tread carefully

because your son's first loyalties are to his wife, not you anymore.

You don't have "rights" in this sense to information if DiL wishes to withhold it. It's really, really important to work on accepting the boundaries.

By all means ask "how are things going" but accept answers. show one and interest but don't demand.

That way you are more likely to get more back.

Smileless2012

The d.i.l. is the one who is wrong here Hithere, not the OP's son. She is carrying their child and as the father of that child he has every right to share any news/concerns with his own mother.

The OP feels left out because it appears that her d.i.l. doesn't want her to be included. Her son has every right to confide in his own mother about the progress of the pregnancy of his and his wife's child.

This attitude is thankfully dying. Younger generations have a much more respectful and respectable view of women’s rights. Her body her news her choices.

Human beings have a right to privacy regarding their bodies. Pregnancy doesn’t change this. She is close to her mother. It isn’t rational to expect the same relationship. Don’t begrudge her the right to confide her personal medical information to whom she trusts the most. No one has the expectation that a man would share his personal medical info with his father in law. Let’s not place these expectations on women.

Your son, though understandably worried, didn’t have a right to share that information without his wife’s knowledge or blessing. It is rough being an expectant parent, whether mother or father, when things do go as planned. But we must respect the boundaries of the patient, and that’s mum here. It’s not your son. Please don’t make this about you. Please respect your DIL’s rights here.

MoaningTurtle

Violet Sky

What would you like me to do?
I’ve helped financially to the tune of several thousand pounds, offered to babysit yet have never had any time in our own with our little grandson, always praised her mothering and personally, bought her nice Christmas and Birthday presents, things I know she likes.
I really don’t know what else I can do but am open to suggestions.

She seemed to like me enough when I was helping them out financially, coming over once a week with my grandson, that stopped immediately when we could no longer afford it!

It sounds like your son has no say in anything - or maybe that is the impression he feels comfortable with you having _?

Your comment above - But you're not open to suggestions in the least! You have picked up on several comments and have literally said "what a load of crap".

I'd suggest you go and have a cuppa tea, and come back and read again with an open mind, and see if you can find some things you can work with. First one from me - stop discussing your DIL with other people, including / especially other family! You seem to be building a resentment against her with other DIL's.

Well

If I were you I'd stop creating drama over what DIL does and doesn't want others to know

You have no right to that information

Son went ahead and told you and broke trust

So just keep it to yourself and don't worry about it

As for financial support, of it comes with strings you shouldn't have given it. They are people, not a financial investment you are supposed to gain from. Don't tie any of your relationship to gifts either.

Just be supportive, don't ask for alone time with the baby, don't badmouth your DIL and let her deal with her own stress her own way... Understand these are separate and different people to you and they are allowed to do things their own way

greenlady102

Feelings aren't wrong, they are feelings but NOBODY has the right to know what is going on with someone else's pregnancy. Doctors won't even tell the biological or other father details unless the mother permits. I don't think that's resenting your existence, its expecting to have control of her own health information.

This. This isn’t keeping you from baby, this is event information about the baby. This is information about her body, that may affect the way she gives birth. And it seems your son knowingly broke her trust to include you. What next ? Secretly texting you about dialated or not her cervix is? Texts so you can feel included in any vaginal tearing she has? Information about her flat nipples and breastfeeding concerns ? Check yourself here. Her medical information is hers and hers alone. Pregnancy is a vulnerable time and a low lying placenta while not a really big deal is worrisome for new mums. It could lead to a section and she’s likes terrified of that. If the two of you aren’t close or
Course she doesn’t want you to know her private medical information you should be checking your son
And reminding him to be a partner that is trustworthy.

As for the rest - how often does your son come visit you? Better yet how often does he visit her parents alone? Share his medical information with them? It’s not her job to do so you aren’t her mother. Your expectations will
Be the death of you.

Violet Sky

What would you like me to do?
I’ve helped financially to the tune of several thousand pounds, offered to babysit yet have never had any time in our own with our little grandson, always praised her mothering and personally, bought her nice Christmas and Birthday presents, things I know she likes.
I really don’t know what else I can do but am open to suggestions.

Nora Bone

Are you reading the correct posts?
As I have already said I didn’t wish to be privy to my DILs health or pregnancy.
I texted my son to ask how the scan went ( I presume that is allowed) and he immediately told me. All I wanted to hear was that everything was going well.
He then must have been told that DIL didn’t want us to know hence the text asking me not to let on.
Yes of course everyone talks about each other in a family, it’s natural.
They were in fact commenting on how strange it was that our grandson was four months old before we all got to meet him, no apparent reason at all.

A friend of mine had the same with her son, when his wife was expecting their first . She was so hurt by it , she's always been very involved with her daughter 's 2 sons and assumed it would be the same with her son . She gets on well with her dil, but this has caused a rift . Her son has also sided with his wife , maybe it's the old saying , A daughters your daughter all her life , a son's your son until he takes a wife

I guarantee DIL knows how her MIL feels about her

I'd change attitude stat if I wanted a good relationship with grandchild

The best way to have a good relationship with the grandchildren is to have a good relationship with the parents