Feeling left out

Closeness isn’t always about sharing everything though.

I think you could be right maddy. It's not only daughters who are close to their mums and want to share, some sons are
as well.

I do wonder if the disagreement on here comes from the different relationships different people have with their parents and children. Some families are extremely close and share a lot, others not so much.

*please pardon my typos

I wouldn't put it quite so strongly - but I think you have both hit nail on head.

VioletSky

eddiescat

That's not what I said, I said that is information I am not entitled too

If my son came to me and said "there is a problem with the pregnancy" and then said "sorry, my wife wants to keep that information quiet at the moment" I would say, "don't worry, I won't say anything" and move on with my day. I wouldn't be hurting that she wanted to keep those details quiet, I would respect that she has her reasons and that it is her body and her choice.

Of course I listen to my children, I listen and support... That's not the same as getting overly emotionally invested and needing to know every detail of their lives. It's not the same as my life revolving around theirs.

As a side note, if it were only me in a situation who was put on an information diet... I would be thinking that perhaps I was a person who tends to make their problems about myself and making it harder for them... Then I would go get lots of therapy

This is exactly it. As if no one here has ever been told something sensitive and then had the sharer come back and explain it’s a sensitive situation, so they need to keep it to themselves.
The #1 issue here is MIL’s taking DIL’s medical situation and caring more about a perceived slight that about her DIL or grandchild. The first sentence of the OP said it all when it comes to what gran cares about most here. It’s petty and it’s narcissistic.

eddiescat

By my track record of ever gransnet thread I have ever commented on, sometimes it is the DILs fault and I will say so

In this situation, DIL has done nothing except ask for some information to be kept close for an unknown reason and an unknown amount of time

Smileless2012

Neither are you VS and I'm not claiming to be.

I'm not disagreeing with every comment you make

eddiecat fair point .

VioletSky

eddiescat

That's not what I said, I said that is information I am not entitled too

If my son came to me and said "there is a problem with the pregnancy" and then said "sorry, my wife wants to keep that information quiet at the moment" I would say, "don't worry, I won't say anything" and move on with my day. I wouldn't be hurting that she wanted to keep those details quiet, I would respect that she has her reasons and that it is her body and her choice.

Of course I listen to my children, I listen and support... That's not the same as getting overly emotionally invested and needing to know every detail of their lives. It's not the same as my life revolving around theirs.

As a side note, if it were only me in a situation who was put on an information diet... I would be thinking that perhaps I was a person who tends to make their problems about myself and making it harder for them... Then I would go get lots of therapy

Just as a matter of interest - if your therapist said "your dil sounds very controlling, you have done nothing wrong" (as happened to me)what would you do? Go and get lots more therapy? At some point might you actually concede that some dils are at fault?

Neither are you VS and I'm not claiming to be.

We are very different people Smileless

You aren't right by virtue of disagreeing with every commenter doing things differently

I wouldn't think the problem lay with me if the information diet was being imposed on my son by my d.i.l.

The OP's son didn't tell her his wife didn't want her to know until he'd already done so, so I'm not sure what the OP being ^overly emotionally invested and needing to know every details
of their lives^ is relevant here. The information was freely given by her son.

I wouldn't text or call when I knew they were at hospital either, I'd wait to hear... Son would need to be focused on his wife and baby, not answering me

Imagine if every family member and close friend did that. Their phones would be going non stop. How stressful would that be

Smileless2012 I think you and I just see this very differently.

If he wanted to talk to his mum about it "for support" I think he should discuss this with his wife first.
They are the "team" in this. Anyone else should be by mutual invitation only.

How supporting do you think his mum might be anyway given the animosity towards his wife?
I don't think many men (or women actually) would seek support from someone known to dislike their partner.
I think he would look elsewhere for support. I'm sure I would.

eddiescat

That's not what I said, I said that is information I am not entitled too

If my son came to me and said "there is a problem with the pregnancy" and then said "sorry, my wife wants to keep that information quiet at the moment" I would say, "don't worry, I won't say anything" and move on with my day. I wouldn't be hurting that she wanted to keep those details quiet, I would respect that she has her reasons and that it is her body and her choice.

Of course I listen to my children, I listen and support... That's not the same as getting overly emotionally invested and needing to know every detail of their lives. It's not the same as my life revolving around theirs.

As a side note, if it were only me in a situation who was put on an information diet... I would be thinking that perhaps I was a person who tends to make their problems about myself and making it harder for them... Then I would go get lots of therapy

As you say NotSpaghetti "He also may have been very pleased that she had support from her mother and someone else who loved her to talk to."

He doesn't want her to know his mum knows so it's a pity that perhaps she doesn't want the him to have the same support from his mother.

The OP says she texted her son to ask how the scan went and he immediately told her. This doesn't sound like someone contacting mum for reassurance which is how some posters seem to have read it.

She said All I wanted to hear was that everything was going well.
What a pity he didn't wait 5 mins to discuss with his wife, exactly what they wanted to share.

I don't think we actually know exactly when the wife's mum and sister were told or if that was discussed between the couple first.

It may be that the son texted a reply to his mum from the hospital (for example), and then, on the way home she said ' let's just process this before we tell anyone".

He also may have been very pleased that she had support from her mother and someone else who loved her to talk to.

We don't know.
But I think most couples would prefer to digest a diagnosis and come to terms with it before telling anyone. I know we would (and have).

That's right MercuryQueen. I'm genuinely appalled at some of the responses the OP's received and the way her son's been criticised.

IMO this isn't about a pregnant woman's right to privacy, it's about control. Controlling her husband to the extent that she's telling him what he can and cannot tell his own mother.

It would be different if the OP's d.i.l.'s desire for privacy meant she hadn't even told her own mother and her sister, but she has so I genuinely don't understand why the OP and her son have been given such a hard time by some because he's done the same.

Of course there are issues couples agree not to discuss with parents and extended family; they agree and I'd have thought that if there's such an agreement neither does so, not one being able to do so while the other can't.

And to add, there are LOADS of issues that couples agree not to discuss with their parents and extended family.

Finances, family planning, and health are the most common.

Smileless2012

As am I Mercury Queen.

Yes you're right LovelyCuppa "This way estrangement lies".

Husbands and wives supporting one another isn't by one telling the other what they can and cannot tell their own parents VS.

You’re the one that called it rubbish, Smileless.

Why should a pregnant woman have less rights to privacy? Sincerely trying to understand that.

VioletSky

I don't believe I am entitled to that information Smileless

I do not need to know

I would hope husband and wife support each other first and foremost and I am never going to be the sort of MIL who gets to heavily emotionally invested in their personal lives

VioletSky are you seriously saying that if your son turns up one say , obviously upset, and says "mum, there's a problem with the pregnancy but I'm not allowed to tell you about it" , you will say "Sorry Son, I'm not emotionally invested in your personal life" and send him in his way?
I can't believe that any caring mum would do that

If your other daughters in law finds her odd you’ve obviously all been discussing your son’s wife, not good.

I think you need to seriously look at your relationship with your daughter in law, perhaps you are too judgemental?

Vindicated again