How to handle the move to a care home

Absolutely tell him in an appropriate way. Love Jaxjacky’s story about her mum. Tried to tip the staff . Ahh.

My view from a purely human perspective is that your father should be involved, it will be a huge adjustment for him and is perhaps best carefully prepared for.

Assuming he has capacity, which he may well have with early stage dementia, my understanding is the H&W LPA can’t be used, it’s only when capacity is lost that attorneys can make decisions and even then with as much involvement as possible. Financial matters are different, the LPA can be used, with the donors permission, while they have capacity. I could of course be wrong, but this is how it was explained to us.

In my experience a move to a Home involves both. LPA’s. Age U.K. or the Alzheimer’s Society could advise I think.

You are all trying to act from a place of love and care in your fathers best interests bytheway. Perhaps an honest chat via zoom or something similar between you all would be sensible to allow everyone to share information and express any worries they may have.

I certainly don’t think you should just spring this on him, lots of conversations with him to try to make him understand first. You’ve obviously had lots of chats with your siblings but I doubt that the thought has occurred to your Father.

By the time MIL was put in a home, she didn’t know where she was and she was deemed to be unsafe in her own home, should she have gone into a home sooner? Probably, but my SIL was adamant that she could look after her.

We had a similar situation with our dad. Siblings agreed 2 of us would talk to dad together about his well-being and care going forward. We talked about the POA, and that he’d set it up, and that if we felt we needed to make good decisions for him we would. Obviously talked about how we’d all agreed what was best for him as he wasn’t safe to live alone anymore. He understood no one in the family could step in to do the caring as they all had commitments with their own families. We assured him we’d find a good residential place for him-and pointed out the benefits. ( no worries of running a home, food all served and laundry done- even some entertainment).
We asked him to decide whether to move sooner, or later, & he said sooner.
Took him a while to settle but we knew it was best for him. He’s not mentioned his old home once but did find some other residents irritating. I just tell him to switch off his hearing aids, go to a different room or distract himself with puzzles/tv. After 5 months he now introduces me to new friends. Good luck to you all it’s hard making those decisions

Also you can get good advice on communicating on difficult issues with people with dementia from DementiaCareUK

If you have PoA for Health and Welfare - then you have the right to decide where he lives. If the PoA is just for financial issues, then, strictly speaking, you need his agreement to the move.

I think he should be kept well informed of your intentions (even if he forgets or has trouble understanding) just in case he has objections. Has he officially lost capacity to make decisions?

I’m with madgran here, he has given you all PoA as he trusts you to respect him and do best by him. Which is of course what you are intending to do. My instinct would also be to keep him informed all the way. Tell him in a matter of fact way, if n doubt take advice from his new home on the best way. They will be experts at this.

Yes, my two siblings and I made the sad decision for our Mum. She was in hospital at the time, unsafe for her to go home, her dementia meant she couldn’t really understand what we were trying to tell her.
She wasn’t agitated at the move, had forgotten about her own house and thought she was in an hotel, most concerned as she couldn’t ‘tip’ the staff.

I think he should be involved. It should be discussed at a level that he can understand and in the context of his life; problems arising; how this move would alleviate those; impact for his family etc.

Dementia (ldoes not remove the right to respect and dignity..even though the motivations for not telling him are I'm sure all intended to be kind and protective

I feel for you all and him

I've never been in this situation but my closest friend is, right now. Her 94-year-old dad has dementia, was told he was going into a care home for respite care (which it was at that point). He settled well and, months later, seems to have forgotten that he owns a bungalow. The family have now sold the property to fund the next few years in the care home.

Prior to that they had tried to have live-in carers but that disturbed him.

My friend and her family are lovely and haven't made one move without feeling terribly guilty and sad that her dad doesn't know about the sale of his home. But it is definitely working out well for him, even if it probably wouldn't have been his first choice.

It's an awful situation but I'm afraid many of us reach the point where we have to tell our parents what to do - because it for their well-being and safety- even it is not what they want to do.
I had to do it for my dad and it is hateful.