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Funeral plans..

(62 Posts)
Enidd Sun 17-Sep-23 20:31:09

Have you made any? If so, what are they?
I know I don’t want to buried so I’m thinking a cremation but does it always have to be at the cemetery or can my ashes be placed elsewhere?
Sorry hope this question doesn’t offend or upset, if so please ignore it thanks.

Celieanne86 Wed 20-Sep-23 12:40:38

As a retired funeral director may I give some advice. If you are certain of your own wishes for your funeral please don’t rely on your family carrying them out for you, believe me I have seen the results of this many many times, family members falling out, children going against living parent who probably knew the deceased wishes and all in all the funeral becomes what they want not what the deceased person wished. There are a couple of ways you can make sure you have the funeral you want. If you have made a will you can include everything you want this is one way no one can disagree as it is legally binding the other way which personally I think is better is to choose a local funeral home, preferably a family run one and make an appointment with the funeral director. You will find they will help and advise you as to not only what you can have but also how much it will cost. Remember funeral expenses have risen over the past few years, the cost of opening a family grave is now more than double what it was before Covid. A simple funeral which includes cremation is of course the least expensive but as an example my own sisters funeral this year cost nearly £10,000 this included a full catholic funeral requiem mass, 4 limos, the opening of my parents grave for her internment and a wake at a local hotel for 150 people and this was all her own wishes which she had left with the funeral director. You can pay for your funeral if you wish when you talk to a funeral director and this does not go into their pockets as many people think it goes to an insurance company and you receive a receipt and full details from them. I have left all my wishes with my daughter who runs the funeral home now it is in my personal file and I can change it at any time I have also bought a grave in a private cemetery. I only want a simple catholic funeral and as yet I haven't paid for it but it’s on my to do list as soon as possible. I hope this has gone to help in some ways remember unless you have written it down you don’t get the funeral you want you get what others decide.

SachaMac Wed 20-Sep-23 12:50:11

A friend of mine took his mum & dads ashes combined to scatter in a hill top beauty spot they had often visited in their walking days as they’d requested. The climb up to the spot took him ages (he is not as fit as he was) when he scattered them a sudden gust of wind blew them straight back in his face. He said he won’t be returning to the spot.

I have occasionally come across scattered ashes whilst out walking, on cliff tops etc and it’s not pleasant. It’s a personal choice but like Karmalady my ashes will be buried properly with my DH.

Treetops05 Wed 20-Sep-23 13:53:22

OP - Your ashes can go just about anywhere, with permission if needed.

My FinL has stated no service, no attendees, just collect the ashes afterwards, no celebration of life or memorial service either. I'm dreading it, but it is his wish. He has from a young age not believed in religion, despite playing a church organ for services for years, and has no intention (in his mind) of being a hypocrite in death. I think it will be very lonely for us - but I guess that isn't the point.

Ikiesgranma Wed 20-Sep-23 14:42:32

I’m 63 and terminally ill with an incurable cancer so funerals are on my mind. Whatever my husband and children want is okay with me. I do however want a Whicker coffin and a couple of my favourite songs played. I’m not religious and just want my family to say something if that’s what they want.

Sarahr Wed 20-Sep-23 14:55:09

We have written our wills and included funeral instructions. Having cremation only as neither of our families

DrWatson Wed 20-Sep-23 15:17:49

Look through the thread for the sensible advice from Celieanne86, a former funeral director! Also the comment which states that ashes DO NOT 'biodegrade', so before you go spreading them at some beauty spot, have a rethink?!

Years ago I went to a service which I think was called 'Humanist' - for someone that wasn't religious, and though they'd died at a sadly young age they'd left suitable instructions.

DeeJaysMum Wed 20-Sep-23 15:42:44

Yes, I 'DID' arrange a pre-paid funeral plan, but the company I did it with went bust a few years ago and I'm waiting to get my 2p in the £ back from them.
It's disgusting that they can do this to us and get away with it, when we've paid out £thousands.
I'm now having to go to another company and start again from scratch.

4allweknow Wed 20-Sep-23 15:48:20

Can't think where you can have a cremation other than a crematorium. Usually the ashes can be collected and saved or scattered by whoever is appointed responsibility, usually the family. You can have a simple service or none at all, anywhere, eg hotel lounge, undertaker's parlour. With or without coffin present, then coffin taken for cremation usually by undertaker. No need for big ceremonies if not your wish.

knspol Wed 20-Sep-23 16:00:36

My husband passed away last year and I had a direct cremation with no service or attendees. My DS knows that this is what I want for me too and then I want both of our ashes to be spread or buried together somewhere but haven't yet made any enquiries or had any thoughts about the location.

Callistemon21 Wed 20-Sep-23 16:33:14

DeeJaysMum

Yes, I 'DID' arrange a pre-paid funeral plan, but the company I did it with went bust a few years ago and I'm waiting to get my 2p in the £ back from them.
It's disgusting that they can do this to us and get away with it, when we've paid out £thousands.
I'm now having to go to another company and start again from scratch.

Would it be better to put money into a monthly savings account which offers a good rate of interest. You could state in your will or a codocil that this is what it is for.

Callistemon21 Wed 20-Sep-23 16:35:45

4allweknow

Can't think where you can have a cremation other than a crematorium. Usually the ashes can be collected and saved or scattered by whoever is appointed responsibility, usually the family. You can have a simple service or none at all, anywhere, eg hotel lounge, undertaker's parlour. With or without coffin present, then coffin taken for cremation usually by undertaker. No need for big ceremonies if not your wish.

Well, I know this is a serious subject but have you watched the film "What We Did On Our Holiday"?

Vintagegirl Wed 20-Sep-23 17:00:44

My mother surprised many of her family by writing a letter of wishes which told us she wanted her ashes to be put into the sea at a certain location. The undertaker supplied a cardboard cushion with the colour of our choice and inside were the ashes in a biodegradable bag. And so it came to pass some months later and with covid restrictions relaxed allowing distant family to gather. We rented a small ferry from a nearby harbour that took 12 of us on a beautiful July day. She was born beside the sea and loved it all her life.

CBBL Wed 20-Sep-23 17:12:01

I have paid for a Funeral Plan and left details of my wishes. Since I won't be there, I am not worried if remaining relatives decide on something different, as I agree that any funeral is really for those still living.

Hetty58 Wed 20-Sep-23 17:22:30

Celieanne86, that's all a bit complicated (talking to a funeral director) - and pointless if you just want an unattended cremation. There is no funeral to 'direct'.

You can arrange direct cremation online or over the phone. I've paid for mine a few years ago so it's nice to know that my family know what to do. They can all meet up to scatter my ashes - and no silly service with a dead body in a box!

Janburry Wed 20-Sep-23 19:12:59

Funerals at crematoriums are so quick and impersonal, the last one l attended had one funeral in, one waiting and one just left. My husband and l are with pure crematorium, my husband, when he passed, was picked up very quickly, they were very professional and kept us informed of when to expect his ashes back, we decided where to scatter them when we chose cremation. My daughter also chose cremation but hadn't decided what to do with her ashes. Her daughter heard of a place called Leafy Lane where you chose a small plot and a tree native to the UK, she also chose a celebrant who did a small service while the ashes were buried and the tree planted. It was something we all agreed that had she known about it, she would have chosen for herself

Callistemon21 Wed 20-Sep-23 20:03:54

Janburry

Funerals at crematoriums are so quick and impersonal, the last one l attended had one funeral in, one waiting and one just left. My husband and l are with pure crematorium, my husband, when he passed, was picked up very quickly, they were very professional and kept us informed of when to expect his ashes back, we decided where to scatter them when we chose cremation. My daughter also chose cremation but hadn't decided what to do with her ashes. Her daughter heard of a place called Leafy Lane where you chose a small plot and a tree native to the UK, she also chose a celebrant who did a small service while the ashes were buried and the tree planted. It was something we all agreed that had she known about it, she would have chosen for herself

Not always. We've been to several funerals lately, at different crematoria and in church recently; it's as personal as the relatives want to make it.

One recent funeral was non-religious at the crematorium, short but very emotional.
Another at a different crematorium, longer and conducted by a vicar who knew the deceased..

Callistemon21 Wed 20-Sep-23 20:07:45

Callistemon21

Janburry

Funerals at crematoriums are so quick and impersonal, the last one l attended had one funeral in, one waiting and one just left. My husband and l are with pure crematorium, my husband, when he passed, was picked up very quickly, they were very professional and kept us informed of when to expect his ashes back, we decided where to scatter them when we chose cremation. My daughter also chose cremation but hadn't decided what to do with her ashes. Her daughter heard of a place called Leafy Lane where you chose a small plot and a tree native to the UK, she also chose a celebrant who did a small service while the ashes were buried and the tree planted. It was something we all agreed that had she known about it, she would have chosen for herself

Not always. We've been to several funerals lately, at different crematoria and in church recently; it's as personal as the relatives want to make it.

One recent funeral was non-religious at the crematorium, short but very emotional.
Another at a different crematorium, longer and conducted by a vicar who knew the deceased..

I'm sorry to hear about your DH and your daughter, janburry.

We should all make plans.

But, as someone said recently after DH had been to a very impersonal funeral, "He's in a better place now".

win Wed 20-Sep-23 22:22:06

I cannot see that having no funeral plans can be a problem. You just do whatever you prefer and is convenient.

The idea is to stop the family arguing afterwards about what to do or not to do. Which continuously happens where there are split families or many children, even just 2 children often can't agree. It makes it so much easier for the ones left behind who have to organise it as most people feel an obligations to follow the deceased requests. It is also paid for in advance, so it comes out of your estate (saves care costs) or your relatives from having to pay for your funeral if you do not leave much.

grannybuy Wed 20-Sep-23 23:23:35

I have a funeral plan paid already. I have included certain
‘ instructions ‘, though it won’t matter to me if my AC change some aspects. I have also chosen music, and plan to write some background information for the celebrant.

Mallin Wed 20-Sep-23 23:47:09

A wicker coffin cost £4 thousand. What a waste. I’ve paid Pure cremation up front.

nexus63 Thu 21-Sep-23 00:52:51

i have mine all sorted with a cremation, no service and nobody there, my son is happy with this and i have said it is up to him about my ashes.

biglouis Thu 21-Sep-23 01:50:21

Im signed up with direct cremations as I am not religious and want no service.

IamMaz Thu 21-Sep-23 10:27:27

I’m not bothered about a service. I just want the cheapest option so our son can benefit from any capital I may leave.

In fact, I wish there was a scheme whereby bodies are collected and ecologically disposed of. I have never seen the point of paying for an expensive coffin just for it to be buried or burnt. People can have a service should they choose to. Each to his own.

LinkyPinky Thu 21-Sep-23 13:47:16

I have an 'Ark', a small patch of land I bought from a neighbour which is dedicated to biodiversity. I would like to be buried there. All my family will have to do is check there's no watercourse and dig a hole.

Lucyd Thu 21-Sep-23 19:01:56

I will have a Church of Scotland service and be buried alongside my darling late husband. Local undertaker is a true gentleman, cemetery is beautifully maintained, many relatives already buried there and can't think of anywhere else I would rather be laid to rest. Spend my childhood playing in the woods and fields around the cemetery.