2 grans 5 and 1! In another state

I have lived abroad and moved about and never lived very close to my family for all sorts of reasons. I went to live in Portugal and someone was saying how difficult to be so far away etc, but as I said to her, actually it would be a lot quicker to fly direct from portugal than if we had taken another job in the north of scotland , which would have involved a lot more complicated and lengthy travel. But looking at the situation now there are a few ideas I pass on. As others have said they chose their way in life as you chose yours. Little is mentioned about your life and your husband which of course must be the most important to get right. You are the two together and their needs or wishes may cause you to change some things but fitting in with them cannot come before your own marriage. So to possibly a few positive ideas. Do you happen to follow a particular programme or soap on the tv or radio? If I was feeling a bit homesick when I was in Damascus it was comforting to listen to the Archers and feel that my mother was also listening to them. Probably totally untrue but it made me feel better. If you share an interest in one of these you can make a bit of a connection and say to your daughter that you always think of her watching it too etc. Then personally I think however up to date all the computer things are and our chance to be almost instantly in touch with emails etc, you still cant beat a letter. The handwriting is yours, it is part of you, you can add photos, a lovely coloured leaf from your tree etc etc. Sending a letter to a child is very worthwhile in my view. They love to receive something actually addressed to them and not the parents. This can build up that relationship between you. The joy of book tokens were something I loved and still give. Again for a small child , who does not have the money to go into a shop and choose, or might be viewed with suspicion wandering around for ages, but ah waving their book token gives you free entry to bliss. Maybe you have to go with mum or dad but when you are in there that is YOUR book token and you have the right to choose whatever you like , not what someone else decides for you. Then you can ask them what they chose and what is it about etc etc My wonderful granny always gave us 1 or 2 childrens classics at christmas besides another present. I was a great reader and remember even to this day frightening myself silly reading the mad woman scene and the fire in Jane Eyre, when I was meant to be asleep but couldnt stop reading it. Girl of the Limberlost , a very old book about a girl trying to get to college by collecting butterflies and selling the collection . very non PC now but a great read. Children of the New Forest where the children have to sort things out themselves. I remember the stories, the feel of the books , the pictures and even the wrapping paper she put them in and can hear my grannies voice in my head and see us sat cosily in the evening reading together. Can even remember the cat, the crackling of the fire and many other actual things at that tiem. So you can build up something special with each of your grandchildren. Ask what they have read and read it yourself and then you can make comments on it. Then perhaps you could do something quite different with your daughter. So could you find a cottage or a b and b somewhere roughly half way between you and have 2 or 3 days together there. It would take some arranging of course, but I have done the same with very old friends , where we live too far apart to make it easy to go to each others place, especailly as we get older and catering for visitors is not easy. This way if we do b and b no catering for either of us, and we both like chinese so that is always one pleasure to share. We have done that or gone to something special like a concert, or thought of a national trust place that we have wanted to visit but never managed it before. If you could plan something like this again you get a little special time with each other without making either of you having to change your life or feel bad about it. If there is a family get together over something, you could try and add a couple of days onto it at the end and have that together. So in this way you are not altering all your life to suit her, and risk upsetting your husband and friends by leaving them all just to be with her. She could see this as a sensible and possible two way thing that you could build into your lives. If these do not work is there any holiday that you both enjoy where you could meet at a destination, havng your own accommodation but meeting up in the day time to share family time together. If you suggest some of these things to her she should see that you are doing your best tobe part of their lives and your grandchildren will have their own special relationship with you, but if she is totally selfcentred and wants you to make all the effort and sacrifices then you will just have to gently but firmly say that it is not possible to do that and hope that the letters etc can give you contact with your grandchildren and see if she comes round to a different way of thinking. All the best and do look out for something new that you might like to try and enjoy that will take your mind off the situation

Your daughter might be feeling outnumbered. Husband and parents will do things their family way and maybe not the way she would do them.
Could it be she is unhappy but doesn't want to.admit it? Just keep talking to her as you can't be there in person. Say how great her life there sounds.

I’m in South West Wales UK, and my son, d-I-l and 2 grandchildren ( 5 & 8 now) all live in Japan. I haven’t seen my GC in person since 2019 ! My son did pop over some months back alone…to bring the family over would cost c £7,000 plus all subsequent expenses! I am 77 and couldn’t face the trip over there for medical reasons…not sure I’d be too happy about all of them coming here either…the last discussion was them staying nearby…I keep in regular touch with them via FaceTime/Messenger, but also, tho semi retired, run a small business from home.
Pretty happy with that arrangement. It would be lovely to have them nearer, but what energies I have are all spent on my life here. I have a few friends, ( sadly my best friend died a few years back now,) and go to a few U3a groups…couldn’t cope with energetic children for more than a couple of hours!
The US is a little different, with all the domestic flights, but I see no reason why you should uproot your LIFE to go and help out unless there was an emergency. We all had to cope when our children were young…my parents lived a few hundred miles away and only very occasionally helped, if help was requested. From the time they were babies, my (ex) husband never helped either …he was 10 years older, previously married and with old fashioned views!
As another poster said your daughter and family might move
again sooner or later too, and there where would you be? Stay put if you are happy there, move if not…? Good Luck.

I live a 7 hour drive away or a flight to see my GS. Other GPs live local. Of course I'm grateful they are around to help out. When GS was born I visited every month for a week, up until he was a year old then it was about every 3 months tapering off as he has grown and now comes to see me occasionally. In reality his other GPs haven't been quite so involved but have and still do help out when asked. I visited often not for childcare but to get to know my GS.

I think you do need to embrace Zoom or Facetime for regular video chats with your family. It's become the norm for families living great distances and children nowadays can join in especially as they get older. Start a family What's App group for posting family news and photos. Is encrypted so it's safe.

. You also need to think about making reasonably regular invitations to visit you,aube linked to Thanksgiving or Christmas or similar occasions, just don't make too many. It's hard work packing for a trip with young children so don't expect them to come often, but don't stop making at least a yearly invitation. The other issue about how many GP duties you can realistically do depends on how long you stay with them when you visit and whether you are staying in their home. I think it is helpful to diplomatically offer to help with chores such as cooking , washing up, mow the lawn, tackle the ironing and to baby sit one evening of your stay so your daughter and husband could get a break as a couple to cinema or restaurant .
It is hard knowing the other GPs are so close, but facetime or Zoom time would help maintain close relationship with the grand children.

Good advice from Pascal 🙂

Sorry, just realised they moved closer to his family, even more surprising to leave you then as women tend to want to be closer to their own family,

Tish

They chose to move, not you. If I moved closer to either of my daughters each time they moved I would have had to hundreds of miles within 5 years, they each then returned to within a 90 min drive of me so I can now help out both of them…

Yes, they chose to move, presumably to be closer to her family. They can't seriously expect you to move for her convenience? Stick to your guns, it was their choice to leave you.

They chose to move, not you. If I moved closer to either of my daughters each time they moved I would have had to hundreds of miles within 5 years, they each then returned to within a 90 min drive of me so I can now help out both of them…

When family move away it often hurts,its like a bereavement in a way. You are able to travel now but what if conditions change, illness etc? Could be you daughter is missing you and feels bad about leaving? my family moved away 6 years ago and it hurts at times i have to remember they are the ones who moved away! so many questions and variables, i wish you luck.

My mother used to take her dog on the railways too Lizzies

She also walked her well first and left the station midway on a long journey (or when she changed trains).
....I don't suppose her ticket restricted her to a single train though...

@Lizzies You should be able to take your dog on public transport if you're in the UK. Not sure about coaches like National Express. I've travelled all over with dog - though it does take some forethought with its natural needs so I walk her beforehand for an hour.

My daughter and her family live 200 miles away from me and I do feel like I am missing out sometimes. Their other grandparents live about the same distance in the opposite direction so are in the same boat as me! I am not a confident enough driver to drive there and I have a dog so public transport is out too. They visit a couple of times a year, but they are always busy with school and things like Scouts etc so can’t come more often.

Hello, BebeinTexas and welcome to the forum.
It must be very difficult for both you and your daughter. She is undoubtedly missing you and I imagine you feel torn over what to do. However, as others say, your D and SiL are young, it’s quite possible they will move again for work which could be a long way from where they are presently, so that if you were to move to where they are now, you could find yourself, at some point in a place you are less familiar with and also without your family close by. As we age, moving can become quite tiring and traumatic, and starting again in a strange place so very far from where you are used to, leaving behind familiarity, friendships, etc, could result in you being very unhappy indeed.
I think you are wise to stay where you are.

Try Skype or similar contact

Why do people keep making themselves feel bad about things beyond their control?

I have a slightly similar situation. And often feel bad that I'm not there too. Made me think though when a friend said to me.. you didn't move away, they did.

Whenever daughter talks about you moving near her just acknowledge that it would be nice but is impractical because - and give one reason. it can vary from time to time.

We are in a similar position to you, we live a 4 hour journey away, while DDil's mother lives close at hand, like you we see the family 5 or 6 times a year, 3 times they come to us and 3 times we do the return journey. We still have a close relationship with out grandchildren - now nearly grown up.

Yes, our son and wife would love us to live closer, but understand why we do not.

ExDancer Gransnet is advertised as global online network, not just a UK forum.

There are many members not in the UK.

This is UK forum so I have no idea of the distances involved, but sympathise with your dilemma. My daughter is 300 miles away and I visit them about 4 times a year, its a 5hr drive on a good day on our congested motorways.
If its an 8hr drive for you to see your family I imagine they live more than twice that number of miles away.
It was her and your son in law's decision to move, not yours, and it's unreasonable of them to expect you to up sticks and move too.
They are young and could quite easily need to move again in a few years - would they then expect you to follow them?
None of us is getting any younger and its not easy to make new friends.
I agree with pascal she is missing you.
She could even be a little homesick.
I don't mean to sound cruel, but she will get over it.

Welcome here.

I am grateful that the other grandparents do a lot for some of my grandchildren.
You are keeping in touch and visiting when you can. I know your love will shine through.

You can be emotionally supportive from far away.
She should not be irritated I feel - after all they are the ones who moved away...
Why is she? Does she have extra problems to cope with or does she just think you are "missing out"?

Thinking of you. 💐

She might be regretting moving so far away from you and is undoubtably missing you .. so I would just acknowledge what she is saying and tell her that you understand her wish but it isn't going to happen. Assure her that you love them all and will try to be there for her if she really needs you.. you are doing what you can.. She can also visit you if she wants presumably..