DIL is hurt According to my Son

Just seen your update..apologies I missed it before posting above. Glad you have sorted things and that she felt able to be honest with you.

Flowersinthegarden

Ok good to know. Now that my son is married the hard work I put into raising him doesn’t matter, my relationship with him doesn’t matter, and I’m never allowed to have an individual relationship with him again because well he has a wife and that’s the only relationship that matters.

Hope you would say the same for mothers and daughters when the daughters get married.

I dont think anyone is actually saying that. They ARE saying that now he is married the dynamics change a bit and that his relationship with his wife and your relationship with him , her and them as a couple all need to be factored in. What is right for one group of people may be different for another group of people. It's not had and fast rules, its careful consideration of how individuals might feel, what something might look like to them etc.

In this particularc scenario I think giving money and saying it was just for him particularly came over badly for your DIL. Taking him for a meal might have been viewed differently by her. But who knows , I don't know her. You do!!

GrannyRose15

Of course you can give your son anything you like. There is no need to include a wife in everything. It might have been a little insensitive to say it was “just for you” but not as insensitive as the son telling his wife what his mother had said. He was perfectly at liberty to share the gift if he wanted to. As to what to do next I think I’d tell DIL I didn’t mean to slight her but otherwise play it down. Perhaps be a bit more generous to her this Christmas.

A lot of PPs are saying since my son is married I should be treating them equally and including both of them.

Truthfully looking back considering my close relationship with my DIl and the length of time they been together I can see why she was hurt and I’m glad she felt comfortable enough with me instead of repressing her feelings being open with me about her hurt feelings and I’m glad we mended it over.

Moving forward unless it’s my son’s birthday or Xmas I think I’m going to make sure I acknowledge my DIL whenever I acknowledge my son and when I do gift money if I decide to again tell my son it’s for both of them.

Not sure what I was thinking not including my DIL in that when they are married.

Of course you can give your son anything you like. There is no need to include a wife in everything. It might have been a little insensitive to say it was “just for you” but not as insensitive as the son telling his wife what his mother had said. He was perfectly at liberty to share the gift if he wanted to. As to what to do next I think I’d tell DIL I didn’t mean to slight her but otherwise play it down. Perhaps be a bit more generous to her this Christmas.

I just see you have done this!

She said she appreciated the kind words and we are getting together for dinner this week with my son so all is well and I’m super glad about that.

Have a lovely evening. 😍

Flowersinthegarden

I gave my son a $500 and I don’t want to lie to my DIL so I think I’m just gonna tell her I’m sorry I messed up and say that moving forward both will be included

This is the best thing to do, I think.
Tell her you love her and just hadn't thought it through.
I wouldn't go offering her outings/Spa days etc just now, personally.

If someone gave me $500 to spend on myself I'd probably share it with my husband anyway - and would have said so at the point of being gifted it. After all, mostly I have the best times with him... and something lovely for both of us would bring the most joy.

Weird isn’t it how this makes you think. I think the OP is completely wrong but then I realised we still spend a lot more on our D at Christmas than her partner who is the father of their two children. Maybe I’m wrong as well.

That is good news, well done you for sorting out so quickly. You must feel so relieved and can relax now.

That's so so lovely

And it's good because for an example, if there are children in the future...and she treated you differently...you'd be hurt... because you want treated equally in the coming weeks.. you see?

So I just FaceTimed both my son and DIL and said to my DIL, “it’s great to see you I have missed chatting and seeing you is everything ok between us?” And she said she felt hurt that I gave just my son a check and told him to spend it on himself because of how hard he has been working. She said she felt like we were closer and that I saw her almost like another one of her children at that while her husband is working a ton of hours she was by herself and keeping the home together and she felt like I was only acknowledging my son’s accomplishments while overlooking hers. I teared up a little to think I hurt someone whose relationship and friendship I really value and I apologized for coming across like I wasn’t appreciative of her accomplishments as well and that she is an amazing wife to my son and an amazing friend to me and I would never want her to feel overlooked or “less than” my son. She said she appreciated the kind words and we are getting together for dinner this week with my son so all is well and I’m super glad about that.

OP I am glad you are doing what you think is right and makes you feel better.

rafichagran

OP, dont keep questioning it. Apologise if it makes you feel better.
I don't get the POV of posters who are telling you, you are wrong, as I do treat my adult children and their partners differently, the difference is my son and daughters partners don't care about things like that so I have never had that problem.
Also partners have parents who they love and they will treat them differently to me. Honestly, I really do not care.
If OP apologises to keep the peace, that's OK as well. This will blow over.

I’m understanding the POV of the other posters bc I think it was more about what I said to my son when I gave him the check to just spend it on himself and I shouldn’t be telling him not to share it or how to spend it

OP, dont keep questioning it. Apologise if it makes you feel better.
I don't get the POV of posters who are telling you, you are wrong, as I do treat my adult children and their partners differently, the difference is my son and daughters partners don't care about things like that so I have never had that problem.
Also partners have parents who they love and they will treat them differently to me. Honestly, I really do not care.
If OP apologises to keep the peace, that's OK as well. This will blow over.

Am I never allowed to do anything special solely for him any more?

In a word, no, except for his birthday or at Christmas. The rest of the year, treat them as a couple. I know only too well how hard it is but you have had your special time with him and now you have to stand back. You cannot turn back the clock.

If you give money to anyone, your son, DIL, grandchild, anyone it becomes their money and you have absolutely no right to tell them what they should do with it. To do so indicates that you still regard the person as someone you still have a degree of control over and your son is an adult so you really shouldn't be telling him what to do.
Gifts with strings attached are not real gifts.

Derby

Possibly it’s the fact that you have such a close relationship that’s made her feel hurt. Think about that.

I definitely think it’s that which is why I’m addressing it with both her and my son over FaceTime in about an hour or so.

March

If there were kids. Would you treat her different?

And would you complain if she treats you different to her mom?

There aren’t any kids as of yet however I know she calls her mom on the phone almost everyday and frequently has mother/daughter outings with her (my DIL is her only daughter) and I would never expect my DIL to do those same things with me just because she does them with her own mother. I recognize the relationship is always going to be a different one with her own mother vs one with me.

Possibly it’s the fact that you have such a close relationship that’s made her feel hurt. Think about that.

I think there is a huge difference between "here is some money for a treat" - which allows your son to choose how to spend it - for example on dinner or the theatre for the 2 of them ... and the way you have worded it in your OP "here is some money just for you" which is pretty exclusionary towards your DIL.

There is also something rather infantilising about the way you talk about your son like he is a small child who deserves a "treat" from mummy for working hard. While he has been working, DIL has probably been taking on extra chores at home and also spending more time by herself. It does sound as though you only truly value his contribution.

If there were kids. Would you treat her different?

And would you complain if she treats you different to her mom?

Why wouldn’t it be right for my son to want to please his wife? I definitely agree with the other points as well that his wife is now the most important person in his life.

However where does that leave me? Am I never allowed to do anything special solely for him anymore?

OP, you will be pleasing your son more when you also please his wife. Might not be right in some people's view point but it is a fact of life and a lesson well learnt.

The most important person in your sons life is his wife, if you hurt his wife you hurt him, I do hope you can fix this.

I really don’t think you understand that when your son got married your relationship with him changed irrevocably. You are treating him as your little boy - all the hard work you put into raising him was to enable him to become an independent man. It didn’t give you some sort of special rights over him. His wife is now his next of kin and takes precedence over you. If you don’t understand that and cut the apron strings you’re heading for estrangement. I speak as the mother of a much loved married son. I know my place.

🤔