DIL is hurt According to my Son

I agree that’s where I went wrong for telling my son that the check was because of all his hard work and not acknowledging my DIL’s contribution as well. I realize that was a huge error on my part because it implied only my son’s hard work mattered and not my DIL’s.

Ok good to know. Now that my son is married the hard work I put into raising him doesn’t matter, my relationship with him doesn’t matter, and I’m never allowed to have an individual relationship with him again because well he has a wife and that’s the only relationship that matters.

Hope you would say the same for mothers and daughters when the daughters get married.

The Christian marrage ceremony speaks of the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.

Even if you are not religious the stipulation about two people becoming one family is quite clear in any marriage.

When one member of a partnership is working hard and frazzled, the the other member is bearing the strain as well.

When DS was nar breaking point I booked the two of them into a lovely hotel for a weekend with babysitters provided. It wouldn't have occurred to me to treat one and not the other

Good. He is no longer just your child. He is, first and foremost, your daughter in law’s husband.

I think so too a little bit but since my DIl has always been great to my son and we always gotten along wonderfully I don’t want to rock the boat and hurt her feelings and after reading some of the responses on here I can see how telling my son to spend the check on himself can look like I am saying don’t spend it on his wife my DIL.

I have to accept that my son’s primary relationship and loyalty lies with his wife as it should.

I can also see how by me saying I am treating him for all his hard work could come across as me saying i don’t care or acknowledge my dil’s contribution as well or that she doesn’t work hard. I was rather just treating my own child but since I don’t wanna hurt my DIL’s feelings I am going to gift it to them as a married couple moving forward

Sorry forget to check, that’s treat not test.

Sorry, writing quote, my own. instead of another quote. Was watching Strickly at the time.

Honestly, I think your DIL is being ridiculous. Your son is your son forever. What a crazy world we live in that you can’t test your own child. Madness.

rafichagran

I really do not think the OP has anything to apologise for. I just do not understand why she cannot treat her son and not her daughter.
I do not treat my sons partner the same, never will. She understands and does not get offended and we all get on well. I also do not care that she treats her Mother differently from me. She is her Mother and she loves her.
I know I am at odds with everyone here but it works for us and we dont have any problems.
My daughters partner and I get on best, he buys nothing for me and I get nothing from him. We get in great.
Good luck with what you do OP, whatever you decide it will blow over.

Because she wants too, and it's her choice.

Flowersinthegarden

My son being married doesn’t make me any less his mother

It's not a competition

I really do not think the OP has anything to apologise for. I just do not understand why she cannot treat her son and not her daughter.
I do not treat my sons partner the same, never will. She understands and does not get offended and we all get on well. I also do not care that she treats her Mother differently from me. She is her Mother and she loves her.
I know I am at odds with everyone here but it works for us and we dont have any problems.
My daughters partner and I get on best, he buys nothing for me and I get nothing from him. We get in great.
Good luck with what you do OP, whatever you decide it will blow over.

🤔

I am inclined not to believe this story.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

Wht reward your son for working hard at his job?

If he'd come and done some jobs around the house for you then you could buy him a gift or give him some cash which he would spend on them both.

Stop! Read the posts.

My son being married doesn’t make me any less his mother

My OH has 3 daughters and regularly gifts them and any inheritance will go them, what they do with the gift is entirely up to them.
Maybe the problem is the “spending it on himself” in my experience most men do that anyway.

Your son chose her to be his wife, he loves her...

I gave my son a $500 and I don’t want to lie to my DIL so I think I’m just gonna tell her I’m sorry I messed up and say that moving forward both will be included

Oh dear, I'm sad that you just don't get it

Why though? You didn’t raise your DIL. I can see someone saying you should treat your own son the same as your own DIl but a DIL is a different relationship. Not saying it’s not important but just like our relationship we have with our siblings is different than the ones we have with our cousins

Depending on how much you spent, tell her you were going to treat her to a spa day, take her to the theatre, whatever she likes, but the tickets haven't come through yet.

It could prevent any more hurt feelings.

Am I required to treat my DIL exactly the same as my son to a T in every sense of the word?

Yes.

I agree welbeck. At every turn the OP seeks to justify what she did rather than taking note of what posters say. She clings to her entitlement to reward her son for doing the job he’s paid to do regardless of her daughter in law’s feelings. She still sees her rights as his mother as paramount. She’s en route to discovering, the hard way, that they no longer are.

However I am keeping that thought to myself in the back of my head

I have two sons and two DILs - I treasure them all.
If I were you I would reach out to your DIL and tell her that you made a mistake and that you are so sorry that you hurt her.

I also can’t help but wonder if this was a mother treating just her married daughter if everyone would also say the SIL should always be included?