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DIL is hurt According to my Son

(132 Posts)
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VioletSky Sat 16-Dec-23 18:17:56

I think the problem is that you have specified it is just for him..

There was no need to do that...

It has been received as "this is just for you, she can't have any" and perceived as an insult

I would apologise, and say it hasn't come across as intended

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Germanshepherdsmum Sat 16-Dec-23 18:04:11

My son very often works ridiculously long hours but I wouldn’t dream of rewarding him for it now that he’s married. He’s not my little boy any more and your son isn’t yours, he’s a married man. As V3ra said, his wife will have suffered from his absence. You should have treated both of them, not just him, if you absolutely had to make a thing of it. Hard work is a fact of life - he’s not a child who’s done well in his exams, but effectively that’s how you’ve treated him. I hope you learn from this and can repair the damage. Incidentally, you may get on extremely well with your daughter in law and that’s great, but she’s not your ‘long term bf’.

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Cabbie21 Sat 16-Dec-23 18:02:54

Well I have recently booked a day out on a special day out for my son and me. It is for his birthday and a treat for me too. I never thought about including his wife. They often do things separately as well as together. Now I am hoping she hasn’t taken offence!

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Grannieinatwist Sat 16-Dec-23 17:59:56

Sure you can give something to just your adult son, but then don’t tell him how to use it. Surely that’s up to him? I’m sorry but when you think about this from the other side it does look a bit rude of you. Why “just for himself” he’s a married man and in a marriage you share nice things you have.

Be careful, or you may end up estranged if you choose to take on your DIL. It happens a lot. Apologise and say you didn’t realise how it came across, that you didn’t mean it like that and give her a gift and several personal compliments.

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Flowersinthegarden Sat 16-Dec-23 17:58:24

Why is it though I can’t just treat my son individually once in a blue moon?

Does he cease to still be an individual after he gets married?

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V3ra Sat 16-Dec-23 17:30:03

Apologise unreservedly!
If your son had been working so hard that you felt he deserved a treat, I'm thinking your daughter-in-law would have been home alone more than usual as well.
A cheque to your son yes, but with the suggestion that he used it to treat his wife to a meal out somewhere nice together 😊
Don't come between them.

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Flowersinthegarden Sat 16-Dec-23 17:18:56

My son and DIL have been married for 3 years now and they dated for 8 years before that. Son (36) DIL (32). I have what I always considered a great relationship with my DIL she is very involved with the family always texting to ask how family members are doing if there is any issues that arise and she takes a true interest in the family. I have 2 younger sons as well. Both not married.

I have always taken to my DIL and she is great for my son and I truly care about her. My long term bf and I live 30 minutes from my son and DIL.

My son has been working super hard lately and just as his mother I wanted to give him a check and specify to use it on something just for himself (they have no kids) and I wasn’t meaning it as don’t spend it on your wife rather I just wanted to give him something special to treat himself. I understand they are married blah blah blah and that you should treat them as a unit and if you do for your son you should treat the DIL equal which I always do I include her in texts about my granddaughter (their niece), when we go away I include her in the text updates of pics, we text usually 1-2x a week. I would consider us close. Well this one time I wanted to do something special just for my son when 98% of the time I include both of them because he is still my son and ever since then my DIL has been very cold to me. Not initiating any texting which it’s pretty equal, she didn’t come over when my son did last week for dinner, and when I do text her it’s one word short responses.

I asked my son about it saying I’m very hurt by her lack of communication all of a sudden and my son confirmed it’s due to the check and she feels hurt that she wasn’t included. I think it’s a little ridiculous when I include her like I said just about every time so she is going to begrudge me the one time I do something special for the son I raised?

Am I wrong and out of line for not budging and including her in the check and standing my ground that I have a right once in a while to do something individually for my adult child?

Am I required to treat my DIL exactly the same as my son to a T in every sense of the word?

I understand they are married but does that mean I am no longer allowed to do things individually for my son?

Should I reach out to my DIL to clear the air?

What should my next steps be?

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