DIL is hurt According to my Son

See her in person and And then have something to give her why not be completely honest and say you just thought of giving him a treat etc and you didnt realise how it came across. Large piece of humble pie i think.. No wonder sometimes Mums of sins find them selves ostracised Its a tricky path but one that must be trod with caution.

Mel1967

My Mum often gives me money - which she always tells me is just for me.
My Husband is quite aware that she does this (I tell him when she does).
Yes I do use just for me
It really doesn’t bother him at all.

I think in this circumstance it’s a little different because the OP made it clear she is close to this DIL and stated she is giving her son money because in her words, “he has been working a lot of hours.” The couple is married and in a marriage things affect both members of the couple. So while her son may be working a lot of hours I’m sure her DIL is finding herself having to do more around the house and pick up on the slack never mind the fact that the extra hours her husband works leaves her with less time to spend with him. So this hard work doesn’t just affect him but being they are married it is automatically a strain and affects both of them.

So super odd and exclusionary to acknowledge the hard work of one half of the married couple and not the other half especially considering that this mother in law is very very close to this daughter in law. So why would she not acknowledge her DIL’s role in this.

Also I would be so incredibly hurt if my husbands mom was giving him money and telling him essentially not to spend it on me his own wife and even more hurt if I found out he was listening to his mother over the feelings of his own wife and not sharing with me. To me finances is a shared thing between married couples.

My Mum often gives me money - which she always tells me is just for me.
My Husband is quite aware that she does this (I tell him when she does).
Yes I do use just for me
It really doesn’t bother him at all.

I disagree with those posters saying it doesn’t matter the mom’s reason for giving just her son money. IMO since he is married the reason does matter if she is excluding his spouse. The OP stated clear as day that she is giving her son money for working hard but ok he is married so clearly he is an adult so hard work is expected. And the reason I say the reason for the mom giving her son money matters is because this particular reason is being exclusionary to his wife AKA her DIL. By giving it solely to the son because he works hard heavily implies his wife doesn’t or that he needs the money because he works oh so hard but doesn’t have anything to show for it. It’s a passive aggressive dig at the DIL/wife.

Also they are married so a downfall for one or hard work for one automatically means a downfall or hard work for the other. If her son is working hard then doesn’t the OP realize that that means her DIL is probably doing the brunt of the housework or spending a lot of time alone without her husband? That right there is a sacrifice on her part in and of itself.

Also if she is also working full time why is her hard work automatically less important and doesn’t deserve a treat or reward but her son’s hard work doesn’t?

If the money is a gift for hard work shouldn’t they both be getting a little something?

So yes that’s why I say the reason that she is excluding the DIl certainly does matter because if the reason was something like it’s the son’s birthday then that is acceptable to exclude the DIl since it’s not her birthday.

But not oh my grown married son works oh so hard but DIl your hard work goes unnoticed.

so long as you got your dil a nice gift at the same time I don't see the problem. treat her in the same way and she may eventually come round..

Seems to be a lot of madness …

fuming mad is in quotes because I'm quoting you.

NotSpaghetti

You are right buildings455677 people don't necessarily know but they can often suspect and some try to mitigate if they think they can.

Domestic abuse/control takes many forms. It doesn't need to be (and usually isn't) "divulged".

You are lucky that you would have felt safe enough to be "fuming mad". Not everyone is so confident and free.

I don’t know why fuming mad is in quotes? Yes I would be fuming mad if my MIL specifically gave my husband money AND implied I wasn’t “allowing” him any fun money of his own or that he did all the work and I did nothing.

I wouldn’t like the undermining the sanctity of our marriage and her putting her nose where it doesn’t belong and making assumptions when she isn’t there 24/7 so really has no way of knowing what goes on behind closed doors or how we arrange our finances.

Which is why marital issues and finances between a married couple should never be discussed with outside forces.

Also I take a very much what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine approach because to me that’s what marriage is all about.

You are right buildings455677 people don't necessarily know but they can often suspect and some try to mitigate if they think they can.

Domestic abuse/control takes many forms. It doesn't need to be (and usually isn't) "divulged".

You are lucky that you would have felt safe enough to be "fuming mad". Not everyone is so confident and free.

NotSpaghetti

Regarding the "controlling" notion above (It was Hithere who mentionedit). I can see how that works in some situations.
Plenty of parents (and friends) might try to help out the person they feel has no financial control or who never gets to make a personal choice in anything.

I don't think it's an unreasonable scenario.

(NOT saying it applies here).

I don’t know how an outsider to the marriage would even know a couple’s private financial happenings and how they split finances or whose money is being spent towards what unless one member of the couple is divulging that information which is never a good idea in the first place.

Also it’s odd that an outsider to a marriage would expect a married couple (not a dating couple) to consider money separate.

There were times my husband was working and I wasn’t (the reason doesn’t matter) and I would have been fuming mad if he considered the money he earned just his money instead of our money considering I was helping raise the kids and contributing in other areas. I would feel like he didn’t understand what marriage meant.

I would be even madder and see red if my MIL tried to stick her nose where it doesn’t belong and gave my husband money off to the side telling him not to spend it on me because she thought he didn’t have any say or I was undeserving of it when it’s not her business or anyone’s business outside of the marriage to take it upon themselves to “fix” a marriage or he’ll even have an opinion on it. It would have made me mad that his mom was trying to save him from his evil wife as if he a child that needs saving. Yes in turn I would probably pull away from my mil if she pulled a stunt like this I would continue to be polite and civil but I would pull away.

I don’t understand how other people are so privy to the inner financial happenings that go on between a married couple. Besides you never really know what agreements they have worked out or what goes on behind close doors and quite frankly it’s no one else’s business.

Regarding the "controlling" notion above (It was Hithere who mentionedit). I can see how that works in some situations.
Plenty of parents (and friends) might try to help out the person they feel has no financial control or who never gets to make a personal choice in anything.

I don't think it's an unreasonable scenario.

(NOT saying it applies here).

What I find bewildering about this story (and the other parallel one) is that if my MIL had given my DH a present saying spend it just on yourself there is no way he would have done so without consulting me. We might have decided to spend it on something he needed or something that would benefit us both. But it would always have been a joint decision.

Should have added On her part!
Plus, it’s not my place to blame anyone. Just my point of view.

Hithere yesterday @ 12.53

I think the husband should have realised how hurt his wife would be!
As I said, “not a good move”

I give cheques made to them both.For birthdays I give my son a cheque for himself as he’s impossible to buy for, my dil a gift same value for hers. They share everything anyway. She however, has always spent more time with her family and is closer to them, we have a good relationship but her family comes first.

I’m sure your intentions were good, but it does seem like you didn’t think it through, how could any good have come out of it?
My son works very hard, he’s single, so I wouldn’t be offending anyone if I gave him money, but why would I? He’s a grown up man earning a grown up salary.

Summerfly

I can’t understand why your son relayed to his wife that the money was specifically for him. Surely he must have realised it would cause upset. Even so, not a good move on your part, but at least you’ve done the right thing and made your apologies to her.

I agree .

Not understanding* not boy lol

Hithere

I just suggested multiple possible implications, not what applies to your case

I get that I’m just boy understanding how anyone can take it there. That’s quite a leap.

I just suggested multiple possible implications, not what applies to your case

Hithere

Financial implications - they cannot afford it, for example, so you "come to the rescue"

Implications wife might not approve of expense so he is using your loophole - aka "she is controlling "

He doesn't spend the marital funds on items you think he deserves

Etc

Bad move getting in the middle of the couple, no matter what the good intentions were

I think the second thing about me thinking his wife is controlling is really a stretch. How does me giving my son money in any way shape or form imply I think my DIL is controlling?

Why would the husband hide that from his wife?

Blaming the wrong person here

I can’t understand why your son relayed to his wife that the money was specifically for him. Surely he must have realised it would cause upset. Even so, not a good move on your part, but at least you’ve done the right thing and made your apologies to her.

Am coming a bit late to this party, but my view is that you can’t treat one half of a couple and leave out the other, it’s asking for trouble!