Thoughts

I treat my son and his partner equally, for christmas and birthdays,both hard working in low paid jobs,they are parents to my younger grandaughter,I love them all.
They are a couple and a family unit,my son will always be my son,but the day they started their life together,and he became a father,was always going to change the dynamics of our relationship,and I made it clear to him that his family always came first to him.

winterwhite

Well, no not entirely. The presents I give to my 3 s-in-l are well chosen and wrapped etc but I tend to spend less on them than on my own DDs, and I would expect their parents to do the equivalent. And I worry less about them / their health and so on than I do about my own children (not that there’s anything much to worry about usually). I see that as natural.

Exactly that

I did wonder Cabbie, being familiar with your posts!

My DD has a dilemma. She has no children and was thinking of making a will in favour of my two DGDs.
However one DGD will inherit a fortune from her grandparents, but the other GPs hae nothing to leave.

Same here, Marydoll!
The question was rather tongue in cheek.

I find that a strange question, Cabbie.
We are leaving our money to our children and grandchildren in our wills, our children's partners know that and are happy with it.
The money will probably be spent on house improvements, (already discussed) and will benefit everyone.

My DIL will be extremely wealthy when her parents die, far wealthier than our children will ever be.

So to those who say you treat them equally, are you also going to leave the same amount of money to your DiLs and SiLs in your wills? I guess not.

This Christmas DD and my SiL, plus DS, DiL and two GDs are each getting a small present. The GDs an additional £100. each. Both of my children and their spouses will share an additional gift of money. I would never give more to my children than my son and daughter in laws.

I don’t give individual Xmas gifts to children and partner but give a joint sum of money for them to use as they wish.

For birthday gifts I give the same amount of money to both children and partners.

I was never very happy that my mother in law gave my husband really nice presents but me something really cheap and mundane.

I treat them positively but I don’t think I treat them equally. And I don’t think they expect me to.
I think that they are separate people. My relationship with my DC and their partners/ spouses are each different. They are a unit, by their own choice, but they are also individuals.
In my day we became an indistinguishable unit but I’m not sure that was good for us, My DC have also maintained their own identity.
Also, I carried and raised my DC. Their partners/ spouses have parents who carried and raised them.

Different families work in different ways.

But this year my DD and I have had a couple of days doing things together and I have treasured them. I have also treasured that my DIL enabled this by looking after the DGC on one occasion, whilst we did it.

fancythat

I havent seen your other thread I dont think.
May have read the opening post? Not sure.

When is it ok to do something for just your child and not necessarily your in law?

If you do that, therein trouble lies, in my opinion.

Yes I am realizing from these posts that can cause trouble so I plan on not ever differentiating between my DIL and son ever again. I really hurt her feelings and I didn’t mean to.

winterwhite

Well, no not entirely. The presents I give to my 3 s-in-l are well chosen and wrapped etc but I tend to spend less on them than on my own DDs, and I would expect their parents to do the equivalent. And I worry less about them / their health and so on than I do about my own children (not that there’s anything much to worry about usually). I see that as natural.

I will say it does make me feel a little sad that you don’t care much about them than your children. I think that fact alone is more hurtful than any price disparity in gifts. Gifts are just something that can be measured in monetary value where as how much you care about someone comes more from the heart.

I can’t imagine caring less about my DIL and her well being and her health than my son’s. Like another PP said the day (quite frankly even before that) she married my son she became a part of my family so I would care about her just as much as any other member of my family and blood has nothing to do with that.

I havent seen your other thread I dont think.
May have read the opening post? Not sure.

When is it ok to do something for just your child and not necessarily your in law?

If you do that, therein trouble lies, in my opinion.

winterwhite

Well, no not entirely. The presents I give to my 3 s-in-l are well chosen and wrapped etc but I tend to spend less on them than on my own DDs, and I would expect their parents to do the equivalent. And I worry less about them / their health and so on than I do about my own children (not that there’s anything much to worry about usually). I see that as natural.

What if a future SIL or DIL came up to you and mentioned that they felt “less than” or that their feelings were hurt that they were treated as less than family by you? What would your response to them be and would you change accordingly?

It seems like the general consensus on here seems to be that you need to treat them once married as like a unit and see them more as someone’s spouse than just your child and it’s unacceptable to do just for your son and not your DIL. I never saw that POV before but since so many people on here seem to hold that POV I will adjust accordingly because I would never ever want my DIL to feel like she is “less family” or less important than my son.

Siope

Similar to VioletSky, I don’t necessarily give gifts of equal cost but I put a lot of thought into getting something of value to the recipient, whether that’s a son, a daughter-in-law, or a grandchild.

I spend time with them all differently too, depending on what shared interests and how much time we all have. I think I probably see my daughters-in-law, without my sons, a little more than I see my sons alone, but I doubt there’s much in it. I do see them as couples and families too, and all of them jointly; again I think that’s much of a muchness, but I don’t really keep track, and neither, thankfully, do they.

What do you and your DILs do alone? Howcome you don’t see your sons as much alone? Is it because of shared hobbies/interests you have with your DIL that you don’t share with your son?

rafichagran

No, I spend more on my son and daughter, they are individuals, the partners have their parents, I don't know if they do the same.
It works for me, and it works for them, even if the partner was upset, I would not change my spending, luckily they do not worry about these things.

I tend to agree with your line of thinking however it seems like most people here think you should treat your child more like a unit once married since they are more your child’s spouse than they are your child. Also that it can make the spouse feel “less than” or not as much as family.

What if your DIL came to you hurt saying it hurts her feelings and makes her feel “less than” when you don’t treat her equally to her husband/your son would you care enough about her feelings to adjust accordingly or how would you respond?

Catterygirl

I buy what I think they will like. Rarely kitchen things as their kitchen is tiny. I treat DIL2be same as son. Happy wife, happy life and all that.

It seems like you are only treating your DIL equally so that your son stays happy in his marriage but do you care about how your DIL feels as well? I’m sorry if I’m reading your post wrong.

I buy what I think they will like. Rarely kitchen things as their kitchen is tiny. I treat DIL2be same as son. Happy wife, happy life and all that.

No, I spend more on my son and daughter, they are individuals, the partners have their parents, I don't know if they do the same.
It works for me, and it works for them, even if the partner was upset, I would not change my spending, luckily they do not worry about these things.

I treat my son and dil the same, but it's easy as she's absolutely lovely.
My other son is divorced, but I loved that Dil too, - in fact we are still on civilised terms, - and I always treated her the same as she was so kind and lovely to me. I've been very lucky with dil's.

I agree dragonfly46, I do not count the £s and even up. I try and avoid any enormous variance, but as in our family people file wish lists, it is easy enough to give presents that have a broadly similar value.

I never think about the monetary value of things. I buy what I think they need or would like. Sometimes I might spend more on one than the other but don’t really think about it. It does not depend on whether they are blood relatives or not. I love them all and try to buy thoughtful suitable gifts.

Similar to VioletSky, I don’t necessarily give gifts of equal cost but I put a lot of thought into getting something of value to the recipient, whether that’s a son, a daughter-in-law, or a grandchild.

I spend time with them all differently too, depending on what shared interests and how much time we all have. I think I probably see my daughters-in-law, without my sons, a little more than I see my sons alone, but I doubt there’s much in it. I do see them as couples and families too, and all of them jointly; again I think that’s much of a muchness, but I don’t really keep track, and neither, thankfully, do they.

One daughter and 2 sons……all treated the same. When it comes to monetary gifts for Xmas, they all get the same, except , my daughter gets double, only because she is divorced. Basically, she gets what I would have given her husband (now Ex). And her needs are greater than her brothers’. ( 2 children at Uni, not much help from their Father)

When it comes to gift giving I don't make things equal in a monetary sense, more in the sense of a balance of things they want/need and the thought behind it

I have a son in his 40's but no DIL and it's not likely to happen any time soon. However, my mum always bought equal birthday presents for my brother and his wife and at Christmas it was usually a joint present for the home. She would very occasionally go for lunch with my brother on his own (maybe once every couple of years) but she wouldn't have done so if it seemed divisive. I can't really think of an instance when you would do something just for your son except perhaps in some sort of dire emergency. Otherwise it really isn't a good idea.