Thoughts

I spend the same financially on my daughter and son-in-law. I have lunch occasionally alone with my daughter as does my son-in-law with his mother.

I see them as a unit and although it is my daughter I see her firstly as a wife and mother rather than just a daughter.

So it seems like that’s what the key is is seeing your child once they are married as more of someone’s spouse or parent rather than just your child. So basically you shouldn’t just do something for your child without doing for their spouse because your child is no longer just yours.

Am I in that correctly?

Understanding*

I spend the same amount on my daughter and on my son in law. They are both my family and it would be wrong, in my opinion, to differentiate

I tend to give a joint present at Christmas and individual ones for birthdays. Probably around the same amount.

My son and wife and my daughter and her husband get equal that’s what I do no favourites. I also treat the GC equally it’s only fair in my opinion.

When my son married, his wife she became part of our family and she gets treated just like any other member of the family at every level.

And that is the be-all and the end-all of it.

M0nica

When my son married, his wife she became part of our family and she gets treated just like any other member of the family at every level.

And that is the be-all and the end-all of it.

Ditto! I love them all.

Well, no not entirely. The presents I give to my 3 s-in-l are well chosen and wrapped etc but I tend to spend less on them than on my own DDs, and I would expect their parents to do the equivalent. And I worry less about them / their health and so on than I do about my own children (not that there’s anything much to worry about usually). I see that as natural.

Ditto M0nica and Marydoll!

I spend the same on my son and daughter in law. They live some distance away from us so I don’t get to see either without the other. I wouldn’t dream of treating them differently.

I have a son in his 40's but no DIL and it's not likely to happen any time soon. However, my mum always bought equal birthday presents for my brother and his wife and at Christmas it was usually a joint present for the home. She would very occasionally go for lunch with my brother on his own (maybe once every couple of years) but she wouldn't have done so if it seemed divisive. I can't really think of an instance when you would do something just for your son except perhaps in some sort of dire emergency. Otherwise it really isn't a good idea.

When it comes to gift giving I don't make things equal in a monetary sense, more in the sense of a balance of things they want/need and the thought behind it

One daughter and 2 sons……all treated the same. When it comes to monetary gifts for Xmas, they all get the same, except , my daughter gets double, only because she is divorced. Basically, she gets what I would have given her husband (now Ex). And her needs are greater than her brothers’. ( 2 children at Uni, not much help from their Father)

Similar to VioletSky, I don’t necessarily give gifts of equal cost but I put a lot of thought into getting something of value to the recipient, whether that’s a son, a daughter-in-law, or a grandchild.

I spend time with them all differently too, depending on what shared interests and how much time we all have. I think I probably see my daughters-in-law, without my sons, a little more than I see my sons alone, but I doubt there’s much in it. I do see them as couples and families too, and all of them jointly; again I think that’s much of a muchness, but I don’t really keep track, and neither, thankfully, do they.

I never think about the monetary value of things. I buy what I think they need or would like. Sometimes I might spend more on one than the other but don’t really think about it. It does not depend on whether they are blood relatives or not. I love them all and try to buy thoughtful suitable gifts.

I agree dragonfly46, I do not count the £s and even up. I try and avoid any enormous variance, but as in our family people file wish lists, it is easy enough to give presents that have a broadly similar value.

I treat my son and dil the same, but it's easy as she's absolutely lovely.
My other son is divorced, but I loved that Dil too, - in fact we are still on civilised terms, - and I always treated her the same as she was so kind and lovely to me. I've been very lucky with dil's.

No, I spend more on my son and daughter, they are individuals, the partners have their parents, I don't know if they do the same.
It works for me, and it works for them, even if the partner was upset, I would not change my spending, luckily they do not worry about these things.

I buy what I think they will like. Rarely kitchen things as their kitchen is tiny. I treat DIL2be same as son. Happy wife, happy life and all that.

Catterygirl

I buy what I think they will like. Rarely kitchen things as their kitchen is tiny. I treat DIL2be same as son. Happy wife, happy life and all that.

It seems like you are only treating your DIL equally so that your son stays happy in his marriage but do you care about how your DIL feels as well? I’m sorry if I’m reading your post wrong.

rafichagran

No, I spend more on my son and daughter, they are individuals, the partners have their parents, I don't know if they do the same.
It works for me, and it works for them, even if the partner was upset, I would not change my spending, luckily they do not worry about these things.

I tend to agree with your line of thinking however it seems like most people here think you should treat your child more like a unit once married since they are more your child’s spouse than they are your child. Also that it can make the spouse feel “less than” or not as much as family.

What if your DIL came to you hurt saying it hurts her feelings and makes her feel “less than” when you don’t treat her equally to her husband/your son would you care enough about her feelings to adjust accordingly or how would you respond?

Siope

Similar to VioletSky, I don’t necessarily give gifts of equal cost but I put a lot of thought into getting something of value to the recipient, whether that’s a son, a daughter-in-law, or a grandchild.

I spend time with them all differently too, depending on what shared interests and how much time we all have. I think I probably see my daughters-in-law, without my sons, a little more than I see my sons alone, but I doubt there’s much in it. I do see them as couples and families too, and all of them jointly; again I think that’s much of a muchness, but I don’t really keep track, and neither, thankfully, do they.

What do you and your DILs do alone? Howcome you don’t see your sons as much alone? Is it because of shared hobbies/interests you have with your DIL that you don’t share with your son?

winterwhite

Well, no not entirely. The presents I give to my 3 s-in-l are well chosen and wrapped etc but I tend to spend less on them than on my own DDs, and I would expect their parents to do the equivalent. And I worry less about them / their health and so on than I do about my own children (not that there’s anything much to worry about usually). I see that as natural.

What if a future SIL or DIL came up to you and mentioned that they felt “less than” or that their feelings were hurt that they were treated as less than family by you? What would your response to them be and would you change accordingly?

It seems like the general consensus on here seems to be that you need to treat them once married as like a unit and see them more as someone’s spouse than just your child and it’s unacceptable to do just for your son and not your DIL. I never saw that POV before but since so many people on here seem to hold that POV I will adjust accordingly because I would never ever want my DIL to feel like she is “less family” or less important than my son.