Thoughts

I wouldn't tell her I was hurt, I'd go along the lines of "It was a lovely thought of yours to give money to DH to spend just on himself. He does have this problem of feeling guilty / not thinking of himself / wanting to spend on me/the house, etc" You don't need to say that you feel betrayed or anything like that as she will (hopefully) feel a bit awkward and embarrassed anyway that your DH obviously told her and that you have no secrets from each other.

You could add what he's thought of spending the money on, or, if he's already spent it, that if you'd known she was going to do it, you could have added a bit more to it as there's for example, this fishing rod or jacket which he really wanted.

Personally, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't mean any harm and I wouldn't let on to her that I feel bad about her doing it.... But neither would I forget it! (I'm a Scorpio!)

NfkDumpling

Not hurting DiL was the reason I didn't give him money (it would have been part of a birthday present - I wouldn't dream of buying his clothes). Had I have done so it would have been with her full knowledge and agreement, never behind her back, and there's a good chance she would have agreed as she was always trying to get him to spend money on himself. It has dawned on him, after nagging from both of us, that it's ok not to spend every penny on his family, and he's much better dressed now!!

I was just wondering if it hadn't occurred to your MiL to talk more openly about it. What does she say?

I think the approach you say you would have with your DIL is excellent. You would talk to her about it and treat her as a “team member” in a sense of hey I think my son/your husband needs this what can we do to help him out.

As opposed to my MIL who I always considered
Myself close with I feel in a sense “went behind my back” to be like spend this on yourself which I take as “don’t spend on your wife she already takes enough of your money or she is undeserving of a treat herself”

Now if it was approached like how you would have approached it as for a specific purpose or something of a “hey I notice some of your clothing is a little worn looking why don’t you get yourself a few new clothing items for dates or outings with your wife?”

You’re most likely right that it didn’t even occur to my MIL to discuss it with me or talk more openly with me. Which is kind of surprising that she wouldn’t since we are close but I can understand that it didn’t occur to her as well.

In your opinion how should I express my hurt feelings to my MIL?

Not hurting DiL was the reason I didn't give him money (it would have been part of a birthday present - I wouldn't dream of buying his clothes). Had I have done so it would have been with her full knowledge and agreement, never behind her back, and there's a good chance she would have agreed as she was always trying to get him to spend money on himself. It has dawned on him, after nagging from both of us, that it's ok not to spend every penny on his family, and he's much better dressed now!!

I was just wondering if it hadn't occurred to your MiL to talk more openly about it. What does she say?

Catterygirl

I buy what I think they will like. Rarely kitchen things as their kitchen is tiny. I treat DIL2be same as son. Happy wife, happy life and all that.

So you only treat your DIl the same so that your son stays happy? Not because you care about her feelings as your DIl and as a person?

I ask because you said the reason was happy wife happy life. And they are married you shouldn’t be treating your DIl as less than your son at all. Of course she wouldn’t probably be upset and say something to her husband if she was treated as 2nd class by you.

NfkDumpling

Perhaps luckycharmsaregreat12, if you DH is like my DS, he tends to spend his money on the family or house rather than himself. He never buys clothes for himself unless he really, really needs to. Perhaps your DH is similar? I haven't given money to DS just for him to spend on him, but the thought has crossed my mind. If I did there's still a good chance he'd spend it on a day out for all of them - and still not have anything respectable to wear!

Also I think most married couples are going to share finances to a degree and it’s better to err on the side of caution and treat them equal. I feel like once a man is married gifts from his mother should include both him and his wife especially random monetary gifts unless of course it’s a special occasion such as his birthday or graduation.

It just seems like mothers who leave out the wives are still treating their son like a young child who needs mommy to give him allowance money and swoop in and save the day. Or that they haven’t fully accepted they are a grown married man with a family of their own.

NfkDumpling

Perhaps luckycharmsaregreat12, if you DH is like my DS, he tends to spend his money on the family or house rather than himself. He never buys clothes for himself unless he really, really needs to. Perhaps your DH is similar? I haven't given money to DS just for him to spend on him, but the thought has crossed my mind. If I did there's still a good chance he'd spend it on a day out for all of them - and still not have anything respectable to wear!

I can see that but at the same time I feel that’s kind of babying a grown married man if that’s the case. Like mommy is going to to give you allowance money or something to buy new clothes for the school year.

I just feel like that’s getting too involved in what we buy and buy telling him specifically to spend it on himself it has an undertone of, “you buy for your wife too much” or “you deserve to treat yourself but your wife doesn’t.”

And also if that’s the case why not just buy him a shirt or two.

It’s interesting you thought about giving your son money and telling him not to spend it on your DIl? Do you have a good relationship with her? What if she got hurt by this notion? Isn’t is better for hurt feelings and to be inclusive by maybe handing the money to you son or even giving it to them as a married couple together and saying something like, “you two deserve a date night go spend this on something fun for the two of you.”

It’s also odd to me considering my what I thought was my really close and good relationship with my mil that it wouldn’t cross her mind that my feelings might be hurt to be left out as his wife and she wouldn’t mention this to me ahead of time.

She is a very smart woman and usually very self aware of how things can come across.

Perhaps luckycharmsaregreat12, if you DH is like my DS, he tends to spend his money on the family or house rather than himself. He never buys clothes for himself unless he really, really needs to. Perhaps your DH is similar? I haven't given money to DS just for him to spend on him, but the thought has crossed my mind. If I did there's still a good chance he'd spend it on a day out for all of them - and still not have anything respectable to wear!

May be not for you luckycharmsaregreat12, but it doesn't mean that other families do not manage absolute equality.

My mil always treated us equally and I always thought I had a close relationship with my mil almost like the daughter she never had we would text and hangout once in a while individually. However she recently handed my husband $250 behind my back and told him to only spend it on himself now mind you we don’t have any kids so it’s not like she meant as go on on a fun date night or something kid free she meant it as opposed to don’t spend it on your wife. Which makes me feel completely “less than” in her eyes and that my hard work is being overlooked or she is saying in so many words that her son works hard and I don’t or I take all his money so just treat himself for once.

I honestly thought she saw me as the daughter she never had so this is a punch in the gut to me. I just don’t understand why she would go out of her way considering how close we are to make sure I don’t benefit as well.

So please don’t do this guys treat them equally once they are married to your child they become your family.

We only buy presents for the grandchildren and great grandchildren now. The adult children just get a token gift, chocs or something like that. There are just too many of them and the little kids are the main target, they get more spent on them.

I had never thought about this equality thing until this thread. When wrapping presents yesterday and I found myself totting up the expenditure perperson, forgetting stockings, full of trivia.

DGD came first because DH saw a beautiful ring in an auction sae and bought it, a one off present, then DDL, because, havingbought her presents, I impulse bought something else.
then DGS and then DS.

Other years, the order would be entirely difference as for ssome reason or another we have splashed out on other members of the family, just for one year.

Does your own family treat your husband exactly the same as you?

My MIL recently did this to me where she gave my husband money and told him to only spend it on himself and she may not realize it yet but it hurt our close relationship. I am very hurt that my contributions and my role in the marriage is being overlooked.

My son and his wife have pooled their finances since they married- just like me and my DH. We treat them both the same when it comes to gifts, I wouldn't dream of giving our son a larger gift than my DDIL. Works for us.

Most young couples I know don’t share finances. They each have their own accounts

Some divvy up into payments ie one will pay the rent, the other will pay the utilities. Others each put a certain amount into a joint account and make joint payments out of that.

I don’t know my dd’s IL’s well enough to ask that sort of info but I know she doesn’t resent it at all and is glad he has a bit extra for himself.

SueDonim

My SIL’s money gift is intended for himself. My dd doesn’t read anything sinister into that, it’s what his parents have always done and she doesn’t feel the need to value herself in monetary terms. She understands that his parents can’t afford to jump from four lots of identical value gifts to eight lots. Either everyone would have to have less or they continue their tradition. My dd is the main breadwinner so she’s also only too happy for her Dh to have some a bit of extra cash to spend on himself.

I’m also intrigued as to whether people spend the same amount on grandchildren as on their parents. I assume they do, if the GC are as valued as the parents.

See if they are married and especially on the holidays I would assume that money given by family would be for the couple. Do not most married couples share finances? And how exactly is that conveyed that it’s meant just for your SIL? Is it told specifically by his parents just spend it on yourself and not your wife or is it just presented just to him? If it’s the latter I would assume they presented it to him because he is their actual relative but since they are married it is meant for the couple to use together. Some things are just implied. To me unless otherwise told this would be one of those examples.

Kind of like a dinner invite of hey do you want to come over for dinner by a family member they don’t literally mean the dinner invite is just for that person but because they are married it’s meant for the couple but since they told one person out of the married couple it’s implied that they would convey that message to their spouse.

My SIL’s money gift is intended for himself. My dd doesn’t read anything sinister into that, it’s what his parents have always done and she doesn’t feel the need to value herself in monetary terms. She understands that his parents can’t afford to jump from four lots of identical value gifts to eight lots. Either everyone would have to have less or they continue their tradition. My dd is the main breadwinner so she’s also only too happy for her Dh to have some a bit of extra cash to spend on himself.

I’m also intrigued as to whether people spend the same amount on grandchildren as on their parents. I assume they do, if the GC are as valued as the parents.

I totally agree everyone gets exactly the same budget for both Xmas and birthdays, no one can feel less important nor wanted. My DIL hardly ever visits me, but I know she would be there in an emergency. She is career woman and is very busy. She is a brilliant mother and a hardworking wife. I appreciate everything she does.

I try to do the same. I have lovely DILs , also my late DDs husband, still regard him as a SIL.

SueDonim

I’ve read this thread with great interest as it’s something that has truly never crossed my mind. So much so I’ve discussed it with some of my own DC and with various friends! Most people have been baffled at the very idea that they and their partners should have the same value of gifts given to them or that they should give the same to their DC/partners. None of them were of a mind to tot up the value of what each receives, my own kids felt that was mercenary. For example, I’m giving one dd AirPods this Christmas. I couldn’t possibly afford to give everyone AirPods as that would be over a thousand pounds in total, but I have put consideration into what everyone gets. After all, aren’t we told that it’s the thought that counts, when it comes to present-giving?

I’ve also discovered there are many ways to skin a cat and that each family has worked out a method that suits them. In my SIL’s family he and DD receive similar gifts from his parents but he also receives a monetary gift from them. Dd doesn’t mind this in the least, why shouldn’t his parents treat him? She doesn’t feel it makes her any less valued in their eyes. Some families give only to GC, others have a Secret Santa set up.

Another family has one member who buys everyone the same random thing! The item itself may vary eg one year it was Bronnley soap, another year it might be a book, but that certainly solves the equal value question!

I also think it’s important to note that while there are many ways to skin a cat as you put it if your differential treatment between your child and in law hurts the in law you should reveal your treatment of them.

SueDonim

I’ve read this thread with great interest as it’s something that has truly never crossed my mind. So much so I’ve discussed it with some of my own DC and with various friends! Most people have been baffled at the very idea that they and their partners should have the same value of gifts given to them or that they should give the same to their DC/partners. None of them were of a mind to tot up the value of what each receives, my own kids felt that was mercenary. For example, I’m giving one dd AirPods this Christmas. I couldn’t possibly afford to give everyone AirPods as that would be over a thousand pounds in total, but I have put consideration into what everyone gets. After all, aren’t we told that it’s the thought that counts, when it comes to present-giving?

I’ve also discovered there are many ways to skin a cat and that each family has worked out a method that suits them. In my SIL’s family he and DD receive similar gifts from his parents but he also receives a monetary gift from them. Dd doesn’t mind this in the least, why shouldn’t his parents treat him? She doesn’t feel it makes her any less valued in their eyes. Some families give only to GC, others have a Secret Santa set up.

Another family has one member who buys everyone the same random thing! The item itself may vary eg one year it was Bronnley soap, another year it might be a book, but that certainly solves the equal value question!

I’m sure the monetary gift given to your SIL from his parents isn’t given in a “just spend it on yourself” kind of way it’s probably meant for them as a couple. That’s what I made the incredible mistake of doing ( not on a birthday or holiday) was give cash to my son bc he has been working hard lately and telling him to just spend it on himself and my DIL who I am close with said it made her feel excluded and like she was only valuing and noticing my son’s contribution to the family and not her contribution and like she was being told she was “less than” my son. I sincerely apologized and that was not my intent at all! And moving forward I will never imply or tell my son the money isn’t for both of them because they are a unit a married couple.

All my adult life I have tried to give people presents I knew they would want, and yes, I have always tried to use similar amounts for each present when giving nieces and nephews, married couples, including my parents.

The value of a present in monetary terms shouldn't matter, but giving one person something that is obviously dearer than the other is insulting and hurtful to both, and certainly asking for trouble if you give your married children more, than you give their spouses!

I’ve read this thread with great interest as it’s something that has truly never crossed my mind. So much so I’ve discussed it with some of my own DC and with various friends! Most people have been baffled at the very idea that they and their partners should have the same value of gifts given to them or that they should give the same to their DC/partners. None of them were of a mind to tot up the value of what each receives, my own kids felt that was mercenary. For example, I’m giving one dd AirPods this Christmas. I couldn’t possibly afford to give everyone AirPods as that would be over a thousand pounds in total, but I have put consideration into what everyone gets. After all, aren’t we told that it’s the thought that counts, when it comes to present-giving?

I’ve also discovered there are many ways to skin a cat and that each family has worked out a method that suits them. In my SIL’s family he and DD receive similar gifts from his parents but he also receives a monetary gift from them. Dd doesn’t mind this in the least, why shouldn’t his parents treat him? She doesn’t feel it makes her any less valued in their eyes. Some families give only to GC, others have a Secret Santa set up.

Another family has one member who buys everyone the same random thing! The item itself may vary eg one year it was Bronnley soap, another year it might be a book, but that certainly solves the equal value question!

My AC get money but my DIL gets wine and bottle of spirits. If I buy her a present she gives it away so no point. She's made it quite clear shes's not a daughter and is quite a difficult person. Very dominant and was controlling to her own mother who now wants nothing to do with her, and moved away. She's a very good mother to the DGC though.

This going to sound harsh, but, much as I am very fond of my son's partner I do not love them equally, nor will I ever. Having already lost one child I can say now that I would save my only living child over his partner without even having to give it a second thought. And for me, first and foremost he is my child, for me him being her partner is secondary. But of course I keep all this to myself!