Offspring living in NZ

My son and DIL emigrated out to NZ 10 years ago when she was pregnant with their first baby then had their 2nd two years later. As she is from there it was inevitable she would want to go home eventually but it was very hard saying goodbye. They have been back three times - the last time was Christmas 2022 and then my son came for a quick visit in Sept which was unexpected and lovely. We've been once 8 years ago but the journey is just so long I don't envisage us going any time soon - we are both 70 in the new year and my husband is not in the best of health. It's hard but we've got used to it now and as our other family are 3 plus hours away we just have to get on with our own lives as they are all doing.

Bluesmum

My one and only (step) son has been in Australia for 50 years now (he is only 8 years younger than me) and I go out there every year now since my dh died. My next trip is in February and I am going to apply for a Parental Visa whilst I am there this time so I can move there permanently! At 82, even a young, fit and healthy 82, it still feels like a huge decision for me, but I think it is the right choice now, it feels like the right time! Am I mad?

No certainly not mad! You sound as if you’ve all discussed the move and are in agreement. I say, well done, if that’s what you all want. Enjoy

Some years ago one of our neighbours had an only son who had moved to Brazil. He had three small children after he married out there, and came back once (alone) in 30 years to visit her, she visited him once and met her grandchildren. Eventually he divorced his wife and she lost touch with her much loved grandchildren, never seeing her son or family again.
I feel very sad for those of you who have family living abroad but at least you DO see your family and (presumably) can use Zoom nowadays to speak to them?

My son, daughter in law and 2 grandchildren are visiting the UK from NZ at the moment. I haven’t seen them for 6 years and have missed seeing the children growing up.
I get used to not having them in my life but after seeing them again it can take months to stop feeling sad. It is a kind of grief that happens whenever I see them again.
I am in my mid 70s and have a disabled daughter so travelling to see them is not really possible for me.
I really feel for you Cath but take comfort in the fact that their lives in New Zealand are so much better than if they were living in the UK.

I have a son,dil and 3 grandchildren living in NZ. We usually visit every year for a few months as my husband is able to work remotely. We should have been there now but my uk daughter is unwell so much to grandchildren’s sadness have had to delay our visit. Their Christmas presents are all here waiting. We Skype weekly and WhatsApp pictures to keep in touch the rest of the year. They have a lovely life there and we are just accepted into it by all their friends when we visit.

My son moved to Australia about 12 years ago. I have 2 grandchildren there. The last time I saw him was 3 years ago and I’m due to go back out at the end of January. I am going with my daughter who luckily only lives about 29 minutes away. I thank goodness she is near as I find it very very hard. Saying goodbye is the worst and most of the time we are together it just s in the back f my mind how I am going to handle it. It never gets any easier unfortunately. Nobody knows how hard it is except for people in the same situation. I feel I hardly know my grandchildren over there. FaceTime is ok but not easy with the time difference.

Anyone else get this?

Mopsx4

I have a son,dil and 3 grandchildren living in NZ. We usually visit every year for a few months as my husband is able to work remotely. We should have been there now but my uk daughter is unwell so much to grandchildren’s sadness have had to delay our visit. Their Christmas presents are all here waiting. We Skype weekly and WhatsApp pictures to keep in touch the rest of the year. They have a lovely life there and we are just accepted into it by all their friends when we visit.

That sounds perfect.. a few months mean you can really relax and explore..

My sister's son and his family live in Cambodia (not NZ but still some distance away). Although she misses her only grandson, she is able to fly out and see them once or twice a year and the time she spends with them then is actually more valuable and a more intensive time than when they lived around the corner from her!

Not at all, exactly what I'd do in your position. My mom used to say she wanted 3 houses with her in the middle and her 2 girls on either side. She got that with my sister, literally. I was a 10-hour drive away. Loved my parents dearly, but next door would have been a bit too close, yet 10 hours was too far. Now with my own, I see her point, but would love to be 30 minutes from each. In fact, looking for a new home that will accomplish that.

To Bluesmum, sorry left out to whom I was responding.

Both our sons live in Australia and have done for 15years. Our grandchildren were born out there. Their life is great
Like medsec65 we try to go out twice a year and visit and enjoy them all their life is certainly better than in UK. We just accept it and feel grateful that they are happy.

Maddyone - that is one mean son-in-law/husband/father you’re dealing with. It can get resolved by an attorney. Hope it all goes well for you and mother and children.
USA Gundy

Yes it’s hard my daughter and family live in Australia eldest grandchild is now 24 she has only been back once in all this time but I have visited many times
We chat almost daily on ft it’s like we’re together I’m now in my late 70s and hoping to visit next year

The saddest thing!

My daughter and son-in-law moved to Wellington NZ many years ago and have now 2 grown up sons, the youngest born in NZ. All 4 have become naturalised Kiwis. They are all currently over here, the parents on a long holiday the boys probably returning to NZ, or OZ eventually but are happy in their respective work here for now. The elder is married with 2 children and his wife's parents have recently moved to Australia so I don't think I am going to be able to tempt any of them to make a home in the UK long term. But as my daughter says, ''you left us, Mummy ''. as indeed we did when they became university age and my husband got work abroad. The answer for me has been to sell our house on the death of my husband and move into a large retirement village where many residents have children living abroad. They have got accustomed to seeing them only via Zoom, Messenger or similar. It is sad, but there we are, that's life now.

If you do think of a retirement village don't leave it too late to do your research, and visit a number of different ones before you commit. I am very happy with my choice but it doesn't suit everyone.

One of my best friends has, literally yesterday, just flown out to NZ where her son, divorced wife and granddaughter live…she will stay til April then come back. She loves it there. She is 73.
I have my eldest son, (wife and 2 grandchildren) living and working in Japan …but, apart from the cost which is prohibitive for me, my health will not allow me to travel now.. I have seen the grandchildren in person twice only - the last time when the youngest was 9 months old in 2019 just pre Covid. My son popped over a year ago to visit on his own, but bringing them all over would cost something like £7,000 plus.
Tho it would be lovely to see more of them, they keep in touch regularly via FaceTime - I make sure they have physical gifts for birthdays, etc, and if they did all come over now, I’m not sure how I’d cope for lengthy periods with them all here. I am quite content on my own. I run a small business from home, that I can do during hours that suit me, and tho I love my sons and grandchildren, at 77 I’m much happier alone and going out to the occasional group monthly…I can hardly cope with all that. My sons love me and are happy ( the other is in London. I’m in West Wales ) and that’s all I can hope for. They will come over sometime next year, cost permitting, but will try to stay in a nearby B & B which will be better all round.
I’m loved, they are loved…what more can be wanted, my life has never been so insular that I need to live it through others!

Sorry meant to add …I’m 77

Whoops …old age setting in ..I had said that . Sorry

You go for it Bluesmum!

Our younger son went to NZ "for a year" - that was 9 years ago now! He now has a lovely kiwi wife and two adorable sons aged 2 and 4. We're lucky enough to be able to visit every year for about 6 weeks. (In 2020, due to Covid, we ended up staying 7 months, which was great!) We skype frequently and the parents make sure that the children always remember us. I know that we won't always be fit and healthy enough to make the flight, but just enjoy our time with them while we can.
It helps that we can see what a great life they have over there and how happy they all are. Maddyone, I really feel for you - knowing my child was unhappy and so far away would be heart-breaking.

Just a few things that you might like to think off. I have lived abroad in Portugal and Syria and travelled a great deal round europe too. But in actual fact we could get back to see my parents much quicker from Portugal than from north of scotland or devon. The actual distance is not really the point but the availability of quick journeys back etc. Then you can have some families who live a great deal nearer in this country who either by choice or a rift do not see much of their parents even when they could visit easily. I used to do hospital car service 3 days a week and there was a wide variety of situations, from very concerned families who did their best to be part of the parents lives to others who made very little effort at all. But as we used to say you can choose your friends and you have no choice with your family. Nowadays you have the opportunity with the various things like the internet, phone and whats app style things where you can actually keep in touch in a much closer way that was possible in the past. However I have to say I used to write letters of various lengths from Portugal to my family, not only telling them of what I was doing but what was happening around me etc. Those letters were kept and they are still around and bring back memories for all of us, so although of course emails are faster etc I still think that a letter of what you are doing and what is happening in your area keeps your family up to date with your life too. It does not make it easy and I totally understand how that feels , as I used to feel the same when I was leaving to go abroad, but that knowledge that if necessary I could get back as quickly as from somewhere in Britian was a help and then also I think it is good to look at the possibility of maybe being able to consider not just visiting them out there but is there somewhere that is about halfway between you that you all like where you might save up with the plan of meeting for aholiday together which might be worthwhile. Finally be proud that your family has grown up with the blessing of being able to chose their lives and localities without being loaded with guilt. I had a friend whose mother seemed to delight in always making her feel bad about going back to her new home even though she only lived about an hours flight away. It doesnt make the parting any easier I know, I do not suggest that it does but it is good to know that your children have grown up to be independant decent people who are living a good life and you are part of it and have done your best to see that they have grown up in this way. Loving is always hard at some point but it is always worth it in my view. Wishing you all the best in the future

Some very good points Madeline45 . Especially about meeting halfway. My friend has a daughter in NZ and they often meet in Dubai or Thailand, as the flight times and costs are doable.

I too have a son, DIL and 2 DGC of 6 and 10. DIL is a kiwi and they moved 5 years ago, living with her parents initially with the intention of building their own house.
2 years ago they visited us as my ex was unable to travel.
Now single again by choice, I am heading to NZ as a 70th birthday gift from my son.
I fly out January 3rd and am excited and apprehensive in equal measure. The family live on the North Island in CEntral Hawkes Bay an hour from Napier.
My son video calls almost weekly with the children yet I still feel as if I’m a ‘beginner’ granny. But at least we can have these calls. Remember when a relative abroad meant air mail letters which took ages.
Fingers crossed we all get along as I’m there 6.5 weeks. And it’s the school holidays when I arrive and is a very hot summer too. Sun screen packed and a hat.
I hadn’t thought about the goodbyes! It’s quite an adventure and my biggest worry ATM is getting through airports/check ins/security etc. but my suitcase is filling up nicely now Christmas is over.
As someone said ‘It is what it is.’ I really just hope to make the most of this visit as I don’t know when or if I’ll be able to go back.
My DD lives a 2 hour drive away and we chat weekly plus I visit her fairly often. I am glad she is nearer though.

I should add that I’m a fit and healthy (almost) 70 so I can’t imagine what it must be like to be unable to travel or for travel to be really difficult.
It will be cost that will prevent me from going again.
But now the GC are growing up and chatting is becoming easier ( despite the difficulties with NZ accent) I hope we keep in touch with the video calls.