Offspring living in NZ

My son moved to Australia about 12 years ago. I have 2 grandchildren there. The last time I saw him was 3 years ago and I’m due to go back out at the end of January. I am going with my daughter who luckily only lives about 29 minutes away. I thank goodness she is near as I find it very very hard. Saying goodbye is the worst and most of the time we are together it just s in the back f my mind how I am going to handle it. It never gets any easier unfortunately. Nobody knows how hard it is except for people in the same situation. I feel I hardly know my grandchildren over there. FaceTime is ok but not easy with the time difference.

I have a son,dil and 3 grandchildren living in NZ. We usually visit every year for a few months as my husband is able to work remotely. We should have been there now but my uk daughter is unwell so much to grandchildren’s sadness have had to delay our visit. Their Christmas presents are all here waiting. We Skype weekly and WhatsApp pictures to keep in touch the rest of the year. They have a lovely life there and we are just accepted into it by all their friends when we visit.

My son, daughter in law and 2 grandchildren are visiting the UK from NZ at the moment. I haven’t seen them for 6 years and have missed seeing the children growing up.
I get used to not having them in my life but after seeing them again it can take months to stop feeling sad. It is a kind of grief that happens whenever I see them again.
I am in my mid 70s and have a disabled daughter so travelling to see them is not really possible for me.
I really feel for you Cath but take comfort in the fact that their lives in New Zealand are so much better than if they were living in the UK.

Some years ago one of our neighbours had an only son who had moved to Brazil. He had three small children after he married out there, and came back once (alone) in 30 years to visit her, she visited him once and met her grandchildren. Eventually he divorced his wife and she lost touch with her much loved grandchildren, never seeing her son or family again.
I feel very sad for those of you who have family living abroad but at least you DO see your family and (presumably) can use Zoom nowadays to speak to them?

Bluesmum

My one and only (step) son has been in Australia for 50 years now (he is only 8 years younger than me) and I go out there every year now since my dh died. My next trip is in February and I am going to apply for a Parental Visa whilst I am there this time so I can move there permanently! At 82, even a young, fit and healthy 82, it still feels like a huge decision for me, but I think it is the right choice now, it feels like the right time! Am I mad?

No certainly not mad! You sound as if you’ve all discussed the move and are in agreement. I say, well done, if that’s what you all want. Enjoy

My son and DIL emigrated out to NZ 10 years ago when she was pregnant with their first baby then had their 2nd two years later. As she is from there it was inevitable she would want to go home eventually but it was very hard saying goodbye. They have been back three times - the last time was Christmas 2022 and then my son came for a quick visit in Sept which was unexpected and lovely. We've been once 8 years ago but the journey is just so long I don't envisage us going any time soon - we are both 70 in the new year and my husband is not in the best of health. It's hard but we've got used to it now and as our other family are 3 plus hours away we just have to get on with our own lives as they are all doing.

Parky you have made that journey sound like fun!
I'll let you know how I get on.

My daughter and family left for Australia a number of years ago and have had subsequent children since. Their life is there now and it has been a good choice for them. I try to get out at least once or even twice a year if I can whilst I am fit enough. Each time I go I feel I am looking older and feel it - early 70’s! No easy way to deal with not seeing them regularly and seeing the grandchildren at different stages but their life is certainly better there than the UK. It is what it is and we just need to accept it. Hopefully all grannies can keep a 2 way link across the oceans and make the most of visits but it is difficult particularly when you are on your own.

I hear of families moving away ,without a concern for those left behind, There are so many variables involved ,did they move for work,to run away, for their spouses family the list goes on.
Is it hard on the elderly parent maybe with health problems with no other family or support? Ive a friend who chose not to have a family, who often used to say,none to make you laugh, but none to make you cry.

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Hello
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My only daughter and family are not in NZ but they are in America. This is our second xmas without them and I felt their absence so much. We were very very lucky to be able to spend a week with them at Thanksgiving, so it is unfair of me to feel this way. We too are in our late seventies, with no other family. I really feel very selfish feeling this way, think I will go out for a brisk walk to banish the blues !!!

I have a neighbour whose sons went to live in America many years ago, but now her husband has died and they never came home for his funeral, she has no other relatives left and she is in her 80's and never, ever sees her sons. She is also housebound and relies on social services for everything.

Luckily I have sons living in the UK so see them regularly. I often imagined what it would be like if our sons moved a long way away to a different country so decided that if they went, I would go with them but if they said no, I would change my will and leave it all to a cat and dogs home.

The next time her sons will see her is when she is lying in her coffin. What a terrible state of affairs.

We want our children to grow and be independent but to never see or speak to their parents once they have left the country is despicable. Out of sight out of mind.

Grammaretto, i travelled alone to NZ last Christmas to visit my DD, DSiL and 2 DGC and i dubbed the flight home "the granny express" as there were a number of us grandmothers returning from visiting family. We got together and helped each other. Great fun - especially as it was sad coming home and leaving the family there

My one and only (step) son has been in Australia for 50 years now (he is only 8 years younger than me) and I go out there every year now since my dh died. My next trip is in February and I am going to apply for a Parental Visa whilst I am there this time so I can move there permanently! At 82, even a young, fit and healthy 82, it still feels like a huge decision for me, but I think it is the right choice now, it feels like the right time! Am I mad?

My daughter and her children and her ex husband are ALL British and so that has no relevance here.

I was told that if your children were born in NZ there is a law that prevents them from moving countries if you get divorced.
This was a good 20 years ago.

Bluebelle my family have moved around.
They did spend a short period in Auckland where I notice there is a Herne Bay, a town where I grew up, but in the correct one!
They then moved to Wellington but my daughter-in-law was not happy there so kept flying back to Tauranga with their daughter and where her parents live. So they bought a house in Tauranga which they sold two years ago after buying land only 30 mins inland from Tauranga. They have now had a house built on the land where they also have animals as mowers!
I should be content as he has a dear wife who has three sisters and is loved by her wide family also is the Head of the department where he works
For him it is, as one person put it;
The difficulty saying goodbye when seeing his mum now full of wrinkles! When he left my late husband was alive and we were near to Retirement age.

Cath you say you haven’t seen your son for six years. That must be so very difficult for you, especially as you are now in your late 70s. I’m now 70 myself and I wonder how long we can continue to travel backwards and forwards to NZ because it is such a long way. Does your son have children? It’s difficult not to see them growing up isn’t it? Especially when we know our daughter wants to come back but can’t. The children also want to come back because as they say ‘my family live in England.’ Obviously going through the separation has been difficult for them too, and unsettled them a lot, especially without the support of wider family.
There is another mediation meeting set up for January and so we’ll see what happens then. However our daughter’s ex is apt to be untruthful and will say one thing and do something else. Apparently even documents drawn up by the lawyers and signed in their office are simply agreements that are unenforceable in law in NZ which surprised me somewhat, but this fact has enabled him to agree and sign to something and then renege on it. It’s simply not enforceable.

That must be so upsetting for you all especially reading he has got their passports which surely is a matter for the law to take up.

That is difficult for your DD and for you being so far away Maddyone I think the distance magnifies the worries too.

When DH was alive, we went out together a few times. I was fully intending not to travel on my own but my DGS, aged 11, has invited me so with much trepidation I shall be doing my first ever long distance flight by myself.
I make it sound as if I am flying the plane! 😉

That's awful ,maddyone. I hope she can find some peace. She won't be able to take the children back to the UK without his permission, sadly- the Hague convention I think it is, even if she has their passports. They would be fugitives and caught and sent back. Horrible situation to be in.

maddyone that is so shocking. Can she not force him legally to return the passports.
I do feel sorry for all of you. It must be very hard knowing they are so far away.

My daughter and three grandchildren live in NZ at present. They have been there two and a half years. My daughter wants to come home and bring the children back to live, but her husband refuses to allow the children to come back. In fact after she visited us this Autumn, he went into her house and took away the children’s passports and has told her he won’t allow her to bring them again. It’s a difficult situation. She left him shortly after they arrived in NZ because of his controlling behaviour. We’re going out again for six weeks at the end of the week. We’ll do the childcare as it’s summer holidays there.
You have my sympathy Cath.