I’m becoming the last one standing

Sorry to those who's loved one has died recently. In a spilt second you go from being a couple to single. How I hate being classed as single. As far as I am concerned I am still married and always will be .

When the other half of you dies doesn't matter how long or short you have been together once you find the one person in the world who completes you I for one have never felt whole since my husband took his last breath. It will be 20 years next month without him. For me the grief has gotten worst as the years go by as he has missed so much. Even now the grief can overwhelm me.

You go in a split second from sharing decisions to having to make them yourself. Yes you can get input from family and friends but it's down to you to decide on things. And after a death there are so many decisions to make.

In a way we where lucky we always knew he wouldn't live 5 years but when the sword of Damocles dropped it was still a shock. Even though my husband made notes who to contact as soon as he died there were far more than he realised. When we knew he was terminal I opened another bank account just for bills. Everything was changed to my name the house was already in joint names. Because my husband died on a Friday everything was on hold until the Monday apart from GP confirming death and the removal of his body. Ironically my dad died on a Friday and my mom 20 past midnight Saturday morning. My mother in law also died on a Friday but her brother was executor.

I was talking to my best friend yesterday who was widowed in 2022 she has filled her life with activities some she did before some she's started since. But still has alone time when she needs it. When I talked about how the grief gets worse she didn't want to know. And yet I wish someone had told me them I could have prepared myself . The big difference is she was 64 when widowed I was 45 .

I call the first 10 years of bereavement early years as it took me that long to get used too it. Because of looking after parents and mother in law took all my time so I didn't join anything I wanted. I went to a bereavement group because my children thought it would help. I went for them and left once they left home . As it was useless for me. I don't lie as I can't remember so always tell the truth. Luckily the children never asked if it helped but only had was it ok. It was but they where all lot older than me and didn't understand how it was for me. Also the woman running it had done a 12 week course and she was married .

If any of you need to go too a bereavement group make sure it's age appropriate and that the person running it their life partner has died. Only someone who has lost the other half of themselves can understand how that feels.

It took me from 2004 to 2019 to live the life I wanted and the life I promised my husband I would live .But I couldn't abandon people who needed me even though it cost me healthwise. But that's me.

Doing things on your own and walking into group that is established is hard . My craft group had been running 5-6 years but I was welcomed with open arms. But I live in the north west now. People here are so different to where I used to live. And that makes a big difference.

My husband made me promise to go on holiday a year after he died . At the age of 46 I went on holiday for the first time by myself just to York for 4 days. I had never walked into a pub by myself. As I was 16 when I went out with my husband. Did a lot of firsts those 4 days and I was terrified. But I did it for him.

In November I booked my first holiday since then for May . But this time I will be going with confidence and really looking forward to it. I can't go abroad my mobility would allow it also my daughter said are you kidding me when I mentioned going to Cork. Like she said she couldn't get to me quickly also there is no way I could board a plane nor be hemmed in by people. That's why coach holiday are not for me. Train every time with the help of travel assistance which I have been using for over 10 years before I moved here.

I know you may feel you have to rush into things but give yourself a year if you don't want to join anything then find things you want to do. My life was on hold because I put others first like I always did until I moved here. But having no one dependant finally let me have the life I wanted and needed . I don't have any pets as I don't want the responsibility or the limits put on me ever again. My own body is doing that and know hopefully not for 5 years or lot more I will end up in a wheelchair chair again .

Some have mentioned the U3A I joined that for a year but it wasn't for me what finished it was the Christmas meeting in 2021 there was a trio so was looking forward to Christmas songs and or carols insist it was a jazz trio I walked and never went back. The problem was the committee was all over 70 a friend in her mid 60's joined the committee to try and change it but couldn't. The talks where always about what the committee liked and all the groups like the classical music ,art etc groups met at night which was ok if you drive but I don't . Also the Christmas lunch was at a golf course in the middle of nowhere. They have a coffee morning at a local cafe on a Tuesday morning . I forgot and went to the cafe on a Tuesday an sat at a table apparently it was one they normally used but I wouldn't move. None of the tables had reserved on and have to sit somewhere that is comfortable for me . But this is my experience of my local U3A . It's not saying they are all like like it.

Lot of local churches and the libraries up here have various groups. You don't have to belong to a church to join any of the activities they are open to all ages . My sit fit group is at the church round the corner from me and our instructor rents the cafe for the winter months. We did our exercises in the church in the summer as it was cooler. As an atheist my brother did ask if the roof feel on me 😂. My craft group is at my local library.

If you have a health condition if they have a local group they usually run groups of different activities. Also councils are a good source of information about activities like walking groups ,gardening clubs ,book clubs etc.

As per usual rambled on but like I always say that's me in real life. 😁

I’m lucky then I suppose ….i still have 6 friends that I meet regularly gir coffee/lunch/ garden centre visits…..their age range is also interesting 55 -79….so unless they move away ( I don’t drive ) a couple of them should outlive me . I seem to attract the younger freinds because I ‘don’t dwell on the past, and always seem to look forward ‘ their words not mine. I think young …even my 16 ye old grandson sits and chats to me for an hour or two of his own back ….we can talk on any subject .
He’s says in his best freind , after his sister and parents …and I find that wonderful for his age group. My point is ….to make and keep freinds you’ve got to be a bit eclectic ….and I do g mean trying to ‘ get down with the kids’ they’d see straight through that. Just be more open and less ‘history’ .

Katherinebhana
I have sent you a PM.

Went back to my Tai Chi class, which has been shut for a month, and was pleasantly surprised to see how pleased everyone was to see me. Perhaps I am collecting new friends.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Isummer, I am so sorry about your husband dying, looking after him for so long with all the restrictions of Covid must have been so isolating. Christmas highlights what we’ve lost.
I will join a U3A class for Art soon, but know before I go that it will be a firmly established group, but will go as its a subject I like.

I understand how you are feeling and I think it’s a problem we all face getting older but also I think Covid has exacerbated the problem.
My husband died not long ago and with Covid and him being immunosuppressed it was almost 3 years of little contact and not going out anywhere.
Now he has died my best two friends lives have also changed, one through her own illness and the other nursing her husband who is ill. So I have been feeling lonely, I joined a widows group who have been very friendly but meetings are always a good drive away and the ladies all seem to have busy exciting lives. I did connect with one lady in the group but she quickly met another man and moved abroad.
I am thinking of joining U3A if I have the confidence to go.
Winter doesn’t help either.

I have lost so many of my friends over the years (what i call history friends ). Miss them so much. Cannot get to meet people now as my husband has dementia. Never mind ,have my memories.

Due to DHs work we moved about a lot. With children it was easier to make contacts and friends but these were short lived. Again due to work, it wasn't a regular 9-5, 5 day week so I couldn't meet up as much as others. Not until I was in my 50s did I have what most would think of as regular hours and stability. I have always found it difficult to establish friendships I think due to lifestyle and now being older it seems even more so. I have acquaintances within groups I attend but not what I would consider friendships. Since DH died I definitely have lost confidence not making it any easier to establish contacts. No matter which groups I have been invited to I always feel the people there already have established their circle of friends/acquaintances and I am an intruder. Allsorts full understand your thoughts

I have made the mistake of thinking of people as friends when really they are acquaintances. It saddened me when I gave up work that colleagues did not keep in touch. It was myself that had left the club and had to make the effort. Down the years there has been mother and toddler group, mothers of children's friends, various classes but these people you are friendly with at the time drift away when the mutual interest is gone. Time has taken its toll of close relatives, good neighbours and the few real friends from childhood. I notice also that people are more inclined to message rather than speak by phone. This is just not the same as a good long chat rambling over many topics in depth. It seems the habit of younger folk also.

I was the youngest on a family of 3 girls. Now there is only me. My remaining sister and 3 best friends died during the same year. I still have my 2 daughters
I do miss friends of my own age but at 82 I have nothing to complain about. I keep well and can still drive around the city although I've forgotten how to reach places I don't go to very often.

When my husband and I got married (2nd time for both) 35 years ago, we had a lunch for 22 of our closest friends and relations and now eleven of them are dead including my husband, brother, step children, mother, brother in law. Life is very busy and I am lucky to have family but I miss the shorthand one has with old friends and family - the 'Do you remember?' moments. There is an old saying 'Make new friends, but keep the old for one is silver, the other gold.' Only wish I could keep my old friends and that they were still alive.

I'm sorry Grandtante that you have lost your dear husband. I do hope in time you make some new friends. I agree that things have changed. I know some people still have friendly neighbours but many aren't what they used to be. People had time to care, and we were never lonely.

Whiff, I salute you. Very moving and impressive. Thank you. Henetha I share your sentiments about the special friend. I still have mine but she is far down the road of a Parkinsons journey to be somewhat incoherent and forgetful. I've threatened her with all sorts of awfulness if she dares to forget me. She laughs and says impossible. Hallelujah! Unfortunately we live 400 miles apart but I make the journey as often as I can. Testing but she's worth it. So glad we can't see the future at any part of our lives.......

I have a small group of friends and they are all younger than me but I so miss the shared history that I had with my sister and friends who are no longer here.

The only real friend I have now is 12 years younger than me. Other friends have died or moved away. I often think of Katherine Hepburn who spoke of people saying their friends had all died. Her reply was “Get yourself some younger friends”. A light hearted remark but it’s actually true.
I am 82 and the loss of family and friends is so hard.

I think we can all relate to this post, as most of us have lost friends and family.

However, it is not only the lack of "history" that makes it difficult to make new friends. To my mind a great part of this is due to the change in lifestyle that has come about since the 1980s. Even old friends, if we still have them, are "to busy" to come for a coffee or a meal. They politely agree that it is time we met up, but the meetings are extremely hard to actually arrange.

Formerly, if we go right back to our childhood, friends and neighbours just dropped in for a cup of coffee or tea, to borrow a cupful of sugar or whatever else they had run out of, or for a chat. Now, hardly anyone does this, and how many of your neighbours do you actually know?

Right now I am grappling this problem anew, as my husband died three months ago, so I must and shall find new acquaintances, and some will hopefully become new and good friends.

If I find a recipe that works, I shall be back to share itw ith you all.

I think it's hard when people begin dying all round you. Numbers dwindling. My sisters and their husbands have died, our parents are long dead. One sonIL has been dead a few years already - and so it goes.

People may be more insular with their children/family as they age.

It's hard making a new life and new friends. And it's frightening to find yourself alone . I have been ill should
say disabled all my life and yet it it was my fit healthy husband who got cancer and died aged 47. I lost count if the times I have screamed this shouldn't be my life. But my husband was a wise man and knew what I needed to live without him . We had been together since I was 16 and he was 18. He made me promise lot of things and I have kept everyone. The most important one was live my life to the full. Until I moved 100+ miles to the north west I couldn't do that . So for 13 years after the children left I existed a slave to my conscious as I couldn't leave my parents and my mother in law who I had hated along with my father in law until the day they died. My dad knew I would look after my mom and did so for 10 years . My mother in law outlived her son by 11 years and from the funeral she denied he existed or she had 2 grandchildren. But my love for my husband far out weighed my hate for her.

We all live our lives by rules we live by. I was brought up in a loving extended family who never treated me as weird . My pain from a child and falls was just me.

We all can choose what life we want to live . After my mom died I got jaundice caused by 2 tablets I had been taking to help with my symptoms since 1992. For 5 months I was very ill and could only think . I was free to live the life I wanted . Out of all the things I wanted out of live it was only 3 things. Move ,lose weight get fit.

The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself and change the pattern of your life. But it's hard. My dad always said there's no such word as can't I used to say can not and he pulled a face .

I wasn't brought up with money and things have been hard since my husband died . Took me 35 years to finally get disability benefits I should have had since 1988 when my mobility and pain got worse.

If you want something you set your mind to it and do it. It's hard and scary but not impossible. Once I set my mind to do something I do it. I can't not as it sets my anxiety off. Never knew I had anxiety until my diagnosis and it's one of the symptoms of my HPX.

No matter how much pain I am in or how bad my mobility I have do what I plan . So sit fit and craft group every week ..I have always been a planner now I understand why .

I ended a 5 year friendship in December because I had told her I don't do one way friendships which she knew from the start. And feel better for doing it. She let me down badly twice last year she knew how it would have a knock on effect on my health.

Last year I gave my son on last chance since our estrangement only contact him 3 times . Decided if I got silence or abuse that would be it . I got abuse so I am done . He will always be my son and I miss my grandson's very much . But the only one hurting was me so no more.

Think about one thing you would like to do and do it. It doesn't have to a big thing once you have done it. If what you try doesn't work don't get upset just chose something else. You will find something you enjoy. Just be yourself and you will open up your world.
I always try and find a positive from a negative. It's not easy but I always find something even if it's an odd shaped cloud.

I love where I live ,lost 7st and fitter than I have ever been . And booked my first holiday since 2005 in November for May .

As usual I rambled one.

Hello...I'm 60 tomorrow...on own now for many years ..as an only child with older sons 1 has aspergers and other is fine with a son he doesn't see and I baby recently with 2nd partner.
My mum passed away still in touch with stepdad as my dad passed away..
To be honest I'm now looking like you at 3 good friends but neither family nor friends I see regularly...all have own lives.
But suppose there are groups nearby but it's the effort to join...sometimes me my dog tv and computer fine...
Happy n healthy ...my outlook these days....
Hobbies you have maybe?.. enjoy what you have xx

A penalty of getting older, sadly. I really relate to what you are saying, Whiff. I am heavily involved with Probus and have a lot of casual friendships but my close friends have all either moved a long,long way away, died or just become only family centred. I don’t mind but sometimes I miss the constant nipping round to each other’s houses, sharing lunches etc we had when all our kids were young.

Deedaa I could have written your post. Our three oldest friends - the ones both DH and I were close to - live in different parts of the country. Two are unable to travel now and I don’t drive long distances. In both cases train journeys are out of the question. The third I hope to meet up with this year as she lives close to my son. I have a long standing close friend who lives near but she is very involved with her church and we don’t seem to get to see each other that often now. And of course we are all getting older. I have a couple of groups I attend and they are fun, but I’m not sure any of them will become close friends. But I’ll take what I can get. If it’s just occasional company and not close friendship, so be it. My family are very good.

Like Whiff, I joined a knit and natter group and was made very welcome.
Also there is a centre near us that has gentle exercise classes.

Whiff I love your posts, you capacity to endure adversity and survive is a good antidote when one reads so many stories in the newspaper and online of people who have suffered, yes, something unpleasant but then throw themselves around saying their life is ruined for ever.

Allsorts it's not easy putting yourself out there and making new friends but it's not impossible you just need to want to do it. I am speaking from my own experience.

My children lived over 100 miles from me. Widowed in 2004 and both children moved out in 2006. I wanted my daughter to go back to where she went to uni as she was only working temp jobs not using her degree. Her final year at uni was the year her dad died and came home to help her brother through A levels. 4 year age gap. He went to uni the same one she attended.

I couldn't move to live closer to them until 2019 as I had both parents and mother in law to look after . Plus my own health problems. Mom was the last to die in 2017. My house sale fell through in 2018 and early 2019. I was lucky they keep the bungalow I wanted .

I had decided when I moved I would have the bungalow as I wanted . But more importantly I wanted to join a sit fit class and craft group. My daughter took me to join the library the week I moved here and saw a sign for a craft group at the library . After asking about it I went that week. I didn't know anyone but I was welcomed with open arms.

It wasn't easy as part of my disability was my limbs would jerk back and forth for a few minutes . I had no warning it was going to happen. I was in constant pain which I had been since a child , I had walked with a stick since I was 29 and my walking was bad plus I fell a lot. I explained what might happen and no one battered an eyelid. When I threw my cross stitch across the room because my arm jerked. One of the 2 women who started the group just picked it up for me and everyone asked if I was ok. No one made a big issue about it and accepted me for me. I have made real friends at my craft group over the years we have grown and most of us have health/ disability problems our age range is 30's to mid 80's. We help eachother other in whatever way we can they are true friends I know I can call on for help and they can call on me.

I also saw a sign for a sit fit class in that first week here at a local cafe . So I joined didn't know anyone. But again made friends which I saw every week and we encouraged eachother .

Covid hit and both groups stopped for a while. I had a big hole in my life. Also my son after seeing him and his 2 eldest boys every week for 7months decided in May 2020 he no longer wanted me as his mom . I knew from the February they where expecting again it was another boy. No contact since.

After the Covid lockdown my sit fit class closed but found an active ageing one run by my council GP referral which I joined and that keep going for over a year I had moved to the maintenance class but after that ran for 4 months they pulled the funding. But my instructor told me about a class just round the corner from where I live . So I joined been going a year and made a new set friends but just met every week for class

My craft group started up after lockdown and our numbers have grown only 4 from when I first joined but had new members. We have our own what's app group as Covid made us feel adrift . We see eachother 2 hours every week but keep in touch via What's app everyday. Even Christmas day we where chatty before we saw family.

It's not easy putting yourself out there especially if you have health or disability
but for me I have more friends than ever especially my craft group.

Moving for me changed my life for the better. Only one bad thing my estrangement but that wasn't my choice. My son chose that and lost 3 grandson's the youngest I don't even know his name or date of birth.

But I have gained so much more. I have real friends ,see my daughter and 2 grandson's every week and my son in law when not working . But the biggest difference is I finally found out what has been wrong with me all my life . 2020 found out I was born with a hole in the side of my heart on medication for it and have PAF. April 2022 found out I was born with a rare hereditary neurological condition. But had been on a tablet since 2020 which stopped the limb jerks and seizures I had started to have.

I am happier than I have ever been since my husband died. But grief never ends it just gets worse over the years . But my love for him never dies.

I have made friends on GN because my house sale through the second time and didn't want to worry the children. I am on a lot of threads but only talk about things I have personal experience of . I made friends which we email and couple I talk to on the phone .

Making a new life and making new friends isn't easy . But before my move I wasn't living I existed after my husband died and that was no way to live . Now I am living my life to the full as I promised him I would . I am 65 .

Like I said it's not easy putting yourself out there but it's not impossible you have to want do it and age doesn't matter . Oldest member of my sit fit class is 91 I am the youngest at 65.

Allsorts you can make new friends and live the life you want even with health problems but you have to want to do it . And yes it is terrifying but well worth it.

As per usual I have rambled on but that's me. 😂