I’m becoming the last one standing

Allsorts I think as we get older, it's get harder to lose the ones we love and are close too.

There are others in your group who no doubt value your friendship so focus on them.

Perhaps that lady in your group feels exactly as you do - that "I have people I see in groups etc but that closeness isn’t there." . It is possible to grow closer to people you see in a group, but only if you see them repeatedly and regularly for a while, and share a lot together, exposing your vulnerabilities and weaknesses - all the things that you shared with the old friends you have lost. You have to create that shared history from scratch over a shorter time than was available when you were all younger.

Allsorts I know exactly what you mean. And that lady probably sees everyone in the group as friends but not the type of close long term friendship you once enjoyed. My best friend died. Another is not quite what she used to be. But we've had many happy years friendship My mum died, another bf moved away, one who was potentially close. I've resigned myself to having just friends at groups. I don't think anyone can replace what we have lost. I think it's just part of life. It takes many years of sharing things to grow close I think.

I think that most of the people I regard as friends these days are internet chums; some I’ve met, some I’ve just chatted to on social media. Many of my friends from ‘the real world’ have gone and I have no family left apart from a cousin who is much older than me. I do have three friends from my childhood and teenage years but I only speak to them on Facebook or, occasionally on the phone. I tried going to U3A but found it very cliquey.

I’m learning this from a one step removed point with my father who’ll be 90 this year and has no friends still alive because he’s outlived them all although he’s now showing signs of frailty.

I haven’t yet lost any friends (older or younger) but most have illnesses, some serious, and it occurs to me that I’ll soon be in the same position as my dad!

Apart from my sister who lives in a care home, I am the oldest in my family; thankfully my children and grandchildren are around and I see them quite a bit, but they all have busy lives.
I have a good number of acquaintances from church and choirs, some I am close to but it is not quite the same as the friends I have known for years though rarely see as they live a long way away.
There must be many people in similar situations. As a society we have not really succeeded in preventing loneliness.

I think a lot of us probably feel like this. DH died 4 years ago, closely followed by one of my oldest friends. We used to be a group of 4 friends who did things together, now we are just 3 and we are all the same age so who knows how long we can carry on. I am quite friendly with people in a couple of groups I have joined, but we aren't what you'd call close. I've got some old friends I keep in touch with on line, but years can go past without us actually meeting. Most of my social life is involved with my family now.

I’ve always had lots of friends I long for those easy long lunches and holidays we all shared.

In a group, I am usually the one leaning back in their chair looking disengaged. Not sure why, but I prefer friends one at a time, and always have. Nearly all the friends I have made are through groups.

However, I come from an army family, i spent my childhood constantly changing school, making friends, leaving and starting again. so and I am quite good at building new networks.

We are expecting to move to be more accessible for our children and we have thoroughly researched several towns before choosing to move to one that has lots of activities going on that we enjoy so that sperately and together we can build up a new circle of people we know and wills top to chat to , if we see them in the street.

My oldest friend is suffering with alzheimer's disease. She always knows me though. One of our most recent conversations, she informed me she had just had a baby and shouted to the nurse to ask if her baby was a boy or a girl! We always laugh a lot and enjoy our talks.
My next oldest friend is so involved with her husband's, and indeed her own healthcare, she
has no time for anything else. Others have passed. Oh, it is so hard.

What I miss now is a close female friend.
For the first time in my life I don't have any female that I can chat and giggle with and go out for lunch etc.
And the wonderful little gang that I had locally completely broke up with covid and then various events happened which meant we never got back together...Death, illness etc
My sons are wonderful and I love my adult grandchildren but I just don't have a close friend to confide in and so feel quite isolated and alone in a way.
Also, I'm by far the oldest person in my family, a real matriarch now.

Allsorts it's not easy putting yourself out there and making new friends but it's not impossible you just need to want to do it. I am speaking from my own experience.

My children lived over 100 miles from me. Widowed in 2004 and both children moved out in 2006. I wanted my daughter to go back to where she went to uni as she was only working temp jobs not using her degree. Her final year at uni was the year her dad died and came home to help her brother through A levels. 4 year age gap. He went to uni the same one she attended.

I couldn't move to live closer to them until 2019 as I had both parents and mother in law to look after . Plus my own health problems. Mom was the last to die in 2017. My house sale fell through in 2018 and early 2019. I was lucky they keep the bungalow I wanted .

I had decided when I moved I would have the bungalow as I wanted . But more importantly I wanted to join a sit fit class and craft group. My daughter took me to join the library the week I moved here and saw a sign for a craft group at the library . After asking about it I went that week. I didn't know anyone but I was welcomed with open arms.

It wasn't easy as part of my disability was my limbs would jerk back and forth for a few minutes . I had no warning it was going to happen. I was in constant pain which I had been since a child , I had walked with a stick since I was 29 and my walking was bad plus I fell a lot. I explained what might happen and no one battered an eyelid. When I threw my cross stitch across the room because my arm jerked. One of the 2 women who started the group just picked it up for me and everyone asked if I was ok. No one made a big issue about it and accepted me for me. I have made real friends at my craft group over the years we have grown and most of us have health/ disability problems our age range is 30's to mid 80's. We help eachother other in whatever way we can they are true friends I know I can call on for help and they can call on me.

I also saw a sign for a sit fit class in that first week here at a local cafe . So I joined didn't know anyone. But again made friends which I saw every week and we encouraged eachother .

Covid hit and both groups stopped for a while. I had a big hole in my life. Also my son after seeing him and his 2 eldest boys every week for 7months decided in May 2020 he no longer wanted me as his mom . I knew from the February they where expecting again it was another boy. No contact since.

After the Covid lockdown my sit fit class closed but found an active ageing one run by my council GP referral which I joined and that keep going for over a year I had moved to the maintenance class but after that ran for 4 months they pulled the funding. But my instructor told me about a class just round the corner from where I live . So I joined been going a year and made a new set friends but just met every week for class

My craft group started up after lockdown and our numbers have grown only 4 from when I first joined but had new members. We have our own what's app group as Covid made us feel adrift . We see eachother 2 hours every week but keep in touch via What's app everyday. Even Christmas day we where chatty before we saw family.

It's not easy putting yourself out there especially if you have health or disability
but for me I have more friends than ever especially my craft group.

Moving for me changed my life for the better. Only one bad thing my estrangement but that wasn't my choice. My son chose that and lost 3 grandson's the youngest I don't even know his name or date of birth.

But I have gained so much more. I have real friends ,see my daughter and 2 grandson's every week and my son in law when not working . But the biggest difference is I finally found out what has been wrong with me all my life . 2020 found out I was born with a hole in the side of my heart on medication for it and have PAF. April 2022 found out I was born with a rare hereditary neurological condition. But had been on a tablet since 2020 which stopped the limb jerks and seizures I had started to have.

I am happier than I have ever been since my husband died. But grief never ends it just gets worse over the years . But my love for him never dies.

I have made friends on GN because my house sale through the second time and didn't want to worry the children. I am on a lot of threads but only talk about things I have personal experience of . I made friends which we email and couple I talk to on the phone .

Making a new life and making new friends isn't easy . But before my move I wasn't living I existed after my husband died and that was no way to live . Now I am living my life to the full as I promised him I would . I am 65 .

Like I said it's not easy putting yourself out there but it's not impossible you have to want do it and age doesn't matter . Oldest member of my sit fit class is 91 I am the youngest at 65.

Allsorts you can make new friends and live the life you want even with health problems but you have to want to do it . And yes it is terrifying but well worth it.

As per usual I have rambled on but that's me. 😂

Whiff I love your posts, you capacity to endure adversity and survive is a good antidote when one reads so many stories in the newspaper and online of people who have suffered, yes, something unpleasant but then throw themselves around saying their life is ruined for ever.

Like Whiff, I joined a knit and natter group and was made very welcome.
Also there is a centre near us that has gentle exercise classes.

Deedaa I could have written your post. Our three oldest friends - the ones both DH and I were close to - live in different parts of the country. Two are unable to travel now and I don’t drive long distances. In both cases train journeys are out of the question. The third I hope to meet up with this year as she lives close to my son. I have a long standing close friend who lives near but she is very involved with her church and we don’t seem to get to see each other that often now. And of course we are all getting older. I have a couple of groups I attend and they are fun, but I’m not sure any of them will become close friends. But I’ll take what I can get. If it’s just occasional company and not close friendship, so be it. My family are very good.

A penalty of getting older, sadly. I really relate to what you are saying, Whiff. I am heavily involved with Probus and have a lot of casual friendships but my close friends have all either moved a long,long way away, died or just become only family centred. I don’t mind but sometimes I miss the constant nipping round to each other’s houses, sharing lunches etc we had when all our kids were young.

Hello...I'm 60 tomorrow...on own now for many years ..as an only child with older sons 1 has aspergers and other is fine with a son he doesn't see and I baby recently with 2nd partner.
My mum passed away still in touch with stepdad as my dad passed away..
To be honest I'm now looking like you at 3 good friends but neither family nor friends I see regularly...all have own lives.
But suppose there are groups nearby but it's the effort to join...sometimes me my dog tv and computer fine...
Happy n healthy ...my outlook these days....
Hobbies you have maybe?.. enjoy what you have xx

It's hard making a new life and new friends. And it's frightening to find yourself alone . I have been ill should
say disabled all my life and yet it it was my fit healthy husband who got cancer and died aged 47. I lost count if the times I have screamed this shouldn't be my life. But my husband was a wise man and knew what I needed to live without him . We had been together since I was 16 and he was 18. He made me promise lot of things and I have kept everyone. The most important one was live my life to the full. Until I moved 100+ miles to the north west I couldn't do that . So for 13 years after the children left I existed a slave to my conscious as I couldn't leave my parents and my mother in law who I had hated along with my father in law until the day they died. My dad knew I would look after my mom and did so for 10 years . My mother in law outlived her son by 11 years and from the funeral she denied he existed or she had 2 grandchildren. But my love for my husband far out weighed my hate for her.

We all live our lives by rules we live by. I was brought up in a loving extended family who never treated me as weird . My pain from a child and falls was just me.

We all can choose what life we want to live . After my mom died I got jaundice caused by 2 tablets I had been taking to help with my symptoms since 1992. For 5 months I was very ill and could only think . I was free to live the life I wanted . Out of all the things I wanted out of live it was only 3 things. Move ,lose weight get fit.

The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself and change the pattern of your life. But it's hard. My dad always said there's no such word as can't I used to say can not and he pulled a face .

I wasn't brought up with money and things have been hard since my husband died . Took me 35 years to finally get disability benefits I should have had since 1988 when my mobility and pain got worse.

If you want something you set your mind to it and do it. It's hard and scary but not impossible. Once I set my mind to do something I do it. I can't not as it sets my anxiety off. Never knew I had anxiety until my diagnosis and it's one of the symptoms of my HPX.

No matter how much pain I am in or how bad my mobility I have do what I plan . So sit fit and craft group every week ..I have always been a planner now I understand why .

I ended a 5 year friendship in December because I had told her I don't do one way friendships which she knew from the start. And feel better for doing it. She let me down badly twice last year she knew how it would have a knock on effect on my health.

Last year I gave my son on last chance since our estrangement only contact him 3 times . Decided if I got silence or abuse that would be it . I got abuse so I am done . He will always be my son and I miss my grandson's very much . But the only one hurting was me so no more.

Think about one thing you would like to do and do it. It doesn't have to a big thing once you have done it. If what you try doesn't work don't get upset just chose something else. You will find something you enjoy. Just be yourself and you will open up your world.
I always try and find a positive from a negative. It's not easy but I always find something even if it's an odd shaped cloud.

I love where I live ,lost 7st and fitter than I have ever been . And booked my first holiday since 2005 in November for May .

As usual I rambled one.

I think it's hard when people begin dying all round you. Numbers dwindling. My sisters and their husbands have died, our parents are long dead. One sonIL has been dead a few years already - and so it goes.

People may be more insular with their children/family as they age.

I think we can all relate to this post, as most of us have lost friends and family.

However, it is not only the lack of "history" that makes it difficult to make new friends. To my mind a great part of this is due to the change in lifestyle that has come about since the 1980s. Even old friends, if we still have them, are "to busy" to come for a coffee or a meal. They politely agree that it is time we met up, but the meetings are extremely hard to actually arrange.

Formerly, if we go right back to our childhood, friends and neighbours just dropped in for a cup of coffee or tea, to borrow a cupful of sugar or whatever else they had run out of, or for a chat. Now, hardly anyone does this, and how many of your neighbours do you actually know?

Right now I am grappling this problem anew, as my husband died three months ago, so I must and shall find new acquaintances, and some will hopefully become new and good friends.

If I find a recipe that works, I shall be back to share itw ith you all.

The only real friend I have now is 12 years younger than me. Other friends have died or moved away. I often think of Katherine Hepburn who spoke of people saying their friends had all died. Her reply was “Get yourself some younger friends”. A light hearted remark but it’s actually true.
I am 82 and the loss of family and friends is so hard.

I have a small group of friends and they are all younger than me but I so miss the shared history that I had with my sister and friends who are no longer here.

Whiff, I salute you. Very moving and impressive. Thank you. Henetha I share your sentiments about the special friend. I still have mine but she is far down the road of a Parkinsons journey to be somewhat incoherent and forgetful. I've threatened her with all sorts of awfulness if she dares to forget me. She laughs and says impossible. Hallelujah! Unfortunately we live 400 miles apart but I make the journey as often as I can. Testing but she's worth it. So glad we can't see the future at any part of our lives.......

I'm sorry Grandtante that you have lost your dear husband. I do hope in time you make some new friends. I agree that things have changed. I know some people still have friendly neighbours but many aren't what they used to be. People had time to care, and we were never lonely.

When my husband and I got married (2nd time for both) 35 years ago, we had a lunch for 22 of our closest friends and relations and now eleven of them are dead including my husband, brother, step children, mother, brother in law. Life is very busy and I am lucky to have family but I miss the shorthand one has with old friends and family - the 'Do you remember?' moments. There is an old saying 'Make new friends, but keep the old for one is silver, the other gold.' Only wish I could keep my old friends and that they were still alive.