Accidental grandmother

A very helpful range of comments here, thanks again! Obviously good to hear about good outcomes! I'm in no way judgmental or a prude about this, am surprised in fact the it hasn't happened before with my passionate and careless son! Glorianny is spot on again, but thanks all.

I’d tread very carefully here. From what you’ve said, they didn’t really have a relationship, just a few bonks. She had hopes of something more, but he’s knocked that idea on the head.

I fear you might be expecting too much for your future involvement with this child. Maybe writing her a letter is as far as you should go for now. You don’t want to come over as pushy or demanding.

I have experience with this my son was engaged to someone it ended he was heartbroken and his friends asked him to go on a night out. Met a lass one night thing she got pregnant found out when she was 5 months. My son said he would help her out etc similar to yours went to scans etc my bestie said to my son have you done a dna test. He said no baby girl was born bonds were built but this dna thing won’t leave back of head. I got a kit and I said if you 100 percent you got nothing to lose dna test was done and she wasn’t his. So yes I would say to your son are you 100 percent it’s definitely your baby before you get a bond and start buying all these things

@ grandtanteJE65
Her son can only be named on the birth certificate if he attends to register the birth.

I think the expectant mother has seen your son for what he is, and is wisely staying away. She wants this baby and is facing up to the fact that she will be responsible for its upbringing and welfare, and that the father will be little support.

I come from a different perspective. I was 19, pregnant and the parents of the boy whom I had been together with for 2 years kept asking for a paternity test. In those days dna testing was in its infancy and really expensive. The thing was that I had not been with anyone else and was so upset that they thought I was sleeping around. I point blank refused and the parents decided I was therefore damaged goods and refused contact. They were very well off and said I was after the money. They even offered me money if I would ‘get rid of it’. I went ahead with having my little girl in my own. He never even wanted to see her and his parents told everyone it wasn’t his. His loss I had a beautiful little girl but this take is to tell you that asking for a paternity test might well make her very angry. In my case the ‘grandparents’ didn’t want to know. In your case you want to know so you don’t want to upset her. As far as your son goes. I hope he starts showing more interest. He will miss out on a wonderful experience and someone else (I met my husband when she was just under 2) who is for all intents and purposes is her dad, he wouldn’t want that surely? I wish you all the best and that you will be able to have a relationship with your grandchild. You’ll be a wonderful grandmother

I think you need to back off, be there to listen to your son but certainly don’t barge in and contact the woman. Let him introduce you in his own time. It’s not your baby, it’s theirs, and perhaps she has an equally excited mother who hasn’t met your son yet?

greenlady102

My advice to you, and you may not like it, is to stay right out. Listen to your son but don't give opinions, make offers or ask to be involved. Your son knows that you would be happy to be involved and for now that has to be enough.

That what I would do, no contact over Xmas is a bad sign

My advice to you, and you may not like it, is to stay right out. Listen to your son but don't give opinions, make offers or ask to be involved. Your son knows that you would be happy to be involved and for now that has to be enough.

Have you talked this through with your son and asked how he feels about you contacting the mother to be?....I must admit that the suggestion of writing to her with your contact details is a good one!
It's also worth bearing in mind what you wrote initially ie she was wanting a relationship with your son.
No doubt those emotions could still be in play and affecting how she feels.

Hello, this happened to my son too. aIt was 9 years ago, he was quite a bit younger as was the woman. He was devastated but all is well now and my grandson is a beautiful, senstive child who loves his cousins. I went to see the woman and her mother as she still lived at home and said that I would like to be involved and would support in any way they needed. I felt quite anxious about doing this but I now have good relationships with them all. As the mother works in the school holidays I often help out. I love the saying: "Life is what happens when we are making other plans". I think my advice would to be open and expect the best! It could be amazing.

At the age both parties were when this baby was conceived, perhaps they should have been more careful - many forms if contraception these days!!

I also agree with Hithere. Sound advice. It sounds like you are looking forward to being the grandmom which is a plus for everyone. Just fill that role as Hithere suggests and let your son and mother to be deal with their "own" issues such as paternity, and finances etc.

I would be very insulted to be asked for a paternity test.

Good luck thegeema I think one of the things such a baby does is to wipe out all the things you naturally hope for for your children, a happy relationship, a loving and settled family. You are left with feelings of uncertainty and worry. Hope you can stay strong, and that out of this difficult time will come something wonderful for you, your DS, and this baby.

I never told anyone my due dates. What business is it of anyone else other than my husband's - "mid February" or "late December" is enough. I wouldn't be reading anything into that.

"I'll press harder for some contact now that it is so close. Although the last I heard she hadn't responded to him over Xmas"

Are you sure you want to do so?

Not a wise decision given all the signs in the room

She is almost due and has not replied to him

Don't blow it with her and your son by being pushy- be patient

Thanks you all for your wise and helpful comments so far. And your lovely stroy Glorianny (what a great username). Son is just disappointed that this baby was unplanned from his point of view, and rather sadly has been a bit resentful on the one hand whilst being intellectually accepting of the situation on the other. Every time you have have sex you might have a baby, I've always told him that! Perhaps I have been rather timid about contacting her, I'll press harder for some contact now that it is so close. Although the last I heard she hadn't responded to him over Xmas. He is a very emotional person and I have no doubt that he will feel some responsibility and care for the baby when it arrives. He is pretty confident that it is his actually. (FYI they have never been together, just had a few 'encounters'). Will keep you updated!

I would wait and do nothing and see what develops, maybe your son will change his mind and support the baby, maybe they will go their separate ways.

If/when they split up that is the time to do a paternity test, doing it before may well kill a relationship, whether it’s his or not

rafichagran

pascal30

I'd be very careful about asking for a paternity test..I know someone who did that and she was so insulted that she left with no further contact..

What's the problem with asking for a paternity test, you say the woman was insulted and left with no further contact, could it be the baby was someone else's?

The problem for me was that I had fallen in love with this baby and would certainly have accepted him regardless of whether he was my blood GC or not..

Why does your son have you on information diet?

She is due in a month (February), you don't have her due date and he does not want to give her your contact info?

What else is going on here? I don't think those two actions are coincidental

OldFrill

pascal30

I'd be very careful about asking for a paternity test..I know someone who did that and she was so insulted that she left with no further contact..

It's far more likely that she knew the male in question was not the father.

it has always been in question indeed

pascal30

I'd be very careful about asking for a paternity test..I know someone who did that and she was so insulted that she left with no further contact..

It's far more likely that she knew the male in question was not the father.

pascal30

I'd be very careful about asking for a paternity test..I know someone who did that and she was so insulted that she left with no further contact..

What's the problem with asking for a paternity test, you say the woman was insulted and left with no further contact, could it be the baby was someone else's?

an unmarried woman cannot put the father's name on the birth cert.
the father must be present and declare that he is the father to the registrar.
if married, the husband is entered on the cert as the father, not needing to be present.
if a married woman asserts that someone other than her husband is the father, same procedure as unmarried applies, ie that man would have to be present when registering the birth to be entered on the cert.
some unmarried women prefer to leave the father's name blank, as they think it gives them more control.
whether he wishes to be involved or not, the father will be liable for child maintenance.
OP, why not suggest they come round for tea and cake one sunday.
keep it light and sociable.
don't outline any hopes/expectations.
good luck.