Accidental grandmother

NotSpaghetti
My thoughts almost exactly. I maybe would say ‘unexpected’ rather than ‘not ideal’. I hope your OP’s son realises that sooner or later the child will want to know about him and his family. His considering being at the birth seems a pointer that he will face up to his responsibilities as a father.

As ever Hithere has made very sensible suggestions.

Asking for a paternity test is casting doubt on her probity or implying she's had multiple sex partners! I'd be insulted. NotSpaghetti's idea seems sensible and doable.

Could you send a note to the mum via your son saying something like you understand that the situation may not be ideal but you are happy to be involved if she is happy for that to happen, that you wish her well, would like to meet her when/if she wants to and that you would like to buy something for the baby?

You could put your number at the end.

I think I'd do this. February isn't far away.

Your son knows if and when he had sex with this woman, and if he isn't acknowledging the child he isn't really accepting responsibility is he? I have a beloved GS conceived under similar circumstances, the couple tried to make a go of it but failed but my DS always recognised he had responsibilities, made up for his lack of financial ability by caring for the baby, and after the break up continued to share care. I helped out as well.
The first step for your DS is to accept that the woman has chosen to keep the baby and therefore he has responsibility.
Why not invite them both to your home and discuss what is to happen?
I'd also add that my GS , unplanned as he was has given us all some of the most delightful times. I'm not close to his mother but he has always spent time with me and continues in his 20s to do so. I'm grateful to her for giving me a lovely GC and for allowing me to share in his upbringing and I'm pleased that my DS stepped up and took some of the responsibility for his child so that his mother was able to continue with her career.

If you and your DS and the mother can work out some arrangement I'm sure you'll find this baby enriches your life. Families are not just two parents and children these days, there are many ways to raise a child.

Any woman who finds herself pregnant , when she hadn¨t planned to be, is justified in asking for a paternity test, as indeed is any man whose girlfriend informs him that she is pregnant.

In this day and age, it is hardly an insult to ask for this, and may indeed be a legal necessity if the mother is to be able to claim financial support for the child. The child's birth needs to be registered, and she will need to know whether to fill in your son's name as the father, or state: father unknown!

It cannot be in you son's interest to pay support for a child that is not actually his. Nor can one reasonably expect a woman to bring up a child entirely on her own unless she is very comfortably situated moneywise,

From an entirely different point of view, all children have a right to know when old enough, who their birth parents are, whether or not the father choses to be involved in the child's life in any way.

Stop shilly-shallying and demand the phone number or address of the woman concerned next time you see your son.

If he does not want you to approach her, the onus is on him to tell you why. You do not necessarily have to go along with his wishes.

A bairn is a bairn and should be made to feel welcome, and any pregnant woman placed as this child's mother is, is likely to be touched by the prospective paternal grandmother getting in touch.

Many musicians and other artists are financially insecure - most support their children either as well as they can, or take some secondary job that puts food on the table.

If your son wants in some way to be part of this child's life, he will need to find a way to do so, or else, he would be better off telling the woman concerned that he wants nothing to do with her or the child.

There are two sides to this as to any other story. The woman has unilaterally made a decision to have the baby - good for her, but she may have to accept that the child's father either cannot or will not help in any way.

Why not let her approach you?

She is going through a lot right now - a relationship with you, when and if is going to happen, will be built over time

I would be more worried about your son stepping up and being there for the child - financially and emotionally

Your role right now is secondary

Thanks both. I have been relentlessly positive about it to him, it may be my only grandchild and his only child, who knows! And yes I have always pointed out he should ensure there is contraception. I'm just not sure about how to approach it with her. I'm quite hopeful to be involved in the child's life however that works out. To me it's all about the child but unfortunately my son like most men is focused upon the mother, money etc. At the moment, though he is a soft hearted boy and does want to be involved, he's pretty sure it is his and respects the Mum. He's een a scan...its due in Feb but I don't even know the date!
Anyone who's been in a similar situation? How did it work out for you?

Maybe your son is not enthralled as he will have to be more than a financially insecure musician to support a child. He may feel differently after seeing scans or when the baby arrives.

I really hope you get to have a relationship with your grandchild regardless of what your son does. She does not even know that you want to be involved, your son should give her your number.

agree with Hithere

If your son wants a paternity test, he can ask for it.

Instead of getting involved in the dangerously personal non couple's business, just let her know you are there to provide support for her and baby.

I'd be very careful about asking for a paternity test..I know someone who did that and she was so insulted that she left with no further contact..

Aveline

Would asking for paternity test not be a bit insulting to the poor woman? Sounds like you're keen to be involved and fair enough. I'd be too. She might've glad of your interest and concern. Fingers crossed your son gives you her contact information.

I see your point, but if the baby resulted from a ‘short fling’ I don’t really see that it’s actually insulting, though I dare say the woman won’t like the inference. From your son’s POV it’s only sensible, but if he were mine I’d def. be telling him to be more careful in future!

At any rate, a GM ready and willing to love the new baby can only be a massive plus.

Would asking for paternity test not be a bit insulting to the poor woman? Sounds like you're keen to be involved and fair enough. I'd be too. She might've glad of your interest and concern. Fingers crossed your son gives you her contact information.

I thought I would bump this for you.

I dont have experience, but there must be many who do.
I wish you all well.

It is no one's fault - it is a baby that will be loved and you are going to be a grandmother! A difficult situation I agree and as your son is not financially secure that makes the situation complicated. You say you are financially secure , this does not mean you should feel obliged to provide. Emotional support is fine if that is what you want to give and the occasional gift will be welcome I am sure , but this baby is the responsibility of his / her parents.
A paternity test sounds a sensible idea. I wish you all well and I think that once you see this baby your heart will melt . Good luck .

He is obviously happy enough to be talking about maybe being at the birth so may continue to be involved with her and the baby and although he may not be financially stable he can presumably offer emotional support.

I think it will take a while for everyone to be comfortable with the situation but it's not just your son's "fault". It does take two.