Are you able to make yourself happy

Hello Carmen; condolences for the loss of your husband.

I don't think it's about making yourself happy but finding happiness in what's all around you. The home you shared with your husband, looking back at the happy memories you have of those 38 years and of course your family and friends.

It might be an idea to look into bereavement counselling to help you work through your emotions, and remember that learning to live with your loss and being able to cope with your grief will take time so be kind and patient with yourself .

I ve no idea what happiness is I just jog on daily and know I m not unhappy

It's a bad time of the year to find happiness but come the spring, when the weather warms you may find some happiness in the plants flowering and a bit of sun on your back.

Sorry for your loss

Happiness can be so elusive, perhaps aim for contentment as a first step.

Makes sense to aim for contentment and a good start really helpful Thank you Have tried Berevement coucnilling.. I am a very basic person and my question was ..in my mind..can these councillors bring him back..no they can not ..so it is hard to see the positive in going..Good comments here so far thank you

I think ‘happiness’ is a very fleeting thing. You can’t be happy all the time. As others have said, ‘contentment’ is much more important.

‘A contented mind is a blessing kind’.

I am a very basic person and my question was ..in my mind..can these councillors bring him back..no they can not ..so it is hard to see the positive in going..Good comments here so far thank you

But counselling is nothing to do with bringing him back it’s about exploring how to live without him, without so much sorrow. Counselling can’t change anything physical but it can help to explore how to accept and tolerate It can help to look at things through different eyes it can help you to see a different way forward I think your husband would want that wouldn’t he?

Yes he would ypu are right really helpful comments thank you

Victorian advice was "Be not solitary, be not idle." I think there is wisdom in that. People to chat to and things to keep you busy are the way to happiness, or at least contentment.

You are grieving and you must allow yourself to grieve.
You will find happiness eventually.
Continue with the bereavement counselling and put yourself out of your comfort zone a bit, try and walk or exercise, set yourself goals to do something once a day that requires interacting with people or nature.

Like others I would aim for contentment.

rubysong

Victorian advice was "Be not solitary, be not idle." I think there is wisdom in that. People to chat to and things to keep you busy are the way to happiness, or at least contentment.

I don't necessarily agree with that. If you can be content in your own company, surely that's got to be a good thing? I'm always happy to be on my own and can always find something to keep my mind occupied. You can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely.

Hi Carmen I am so sorry for your loss. I think firstly be gentle with yourself - you can't expect to be happy yet when you have suffered such a bereavement. The only advice I can give comes from personal experience. My husband didn't die but deserted me (some time ago now) and left me with a young daughter. I hadn't seen it coming, had trusted him completely and was devastated. I thought I'd never be happy again, as like you I had depended on him for much of my happiness. After wallowing for a while I started to help out a work colleague who had received a terminal diagnosis. It was a gamechanger for me, as I was no longer thinking about my own troubles and it gave me some much needed self esteem! When the colleague died I carried on helping out others and did some formal volunteering and gradually the dreadful depression lifted and I felt whole again. I had been to a divorce group - but honestly that made me feel worse! Supporting others was the way forward for me.

Carmen the problem of how to make yourself happy is being studied by the Happiness Research Institute Copenhagen

www.happinessresearchinstitute.com/

The founder is called Meik Wiking and she has written books such as The little book of Hygge, Happy Moments & The Art of Making Memories etc. I found these on amazon and Waterstones lists but not on the foundations website. I have bought one of these books to read when I go into hospital to have my knee replaced.

I think the trick is to notice what you enjoy and savor it. I have something each month i.e. I around now I can look forward to snow drops appearing and later the daffodils coming out in the hedges etc.

If you feed the birds you can look forward to seeing bluetits etc. So you set up little things that will happen in the future and will give you pleasure.

Of course this can include your favorite TV show. Before Christmas I love strictly come dancing and look forward to that every weekend etc.

If you have a bus pass you can go on adventure trips to places you have never visited etc.

Plan little treats like this that relate to your preferences. Get ideas for the books and I'm sure you will pick up as the summer arrives. All the best.

Write a list of things that give u joy . It could be things from years ago. Going through photos is a great way to start. It can be hard to start but remembering and then planning helps to see into the next few months. Having a favourite food or perfume is good for your senses. January is quite an insular month and what you are feeling is compounded by the weather.

I meet up with friends on a regular basis, this makes me feel happy.

I think that Bluebell's advice was spot on. I hope that life gets easier for you soon.

Happiness can be short-lived. I had a wonderfully happy day yesterday but today is a low day. I find contentment is the key, as others have said.
I have built in high points to my week through singing, which always gives me a lift, no matter what sort of day I have had. And this year I have booked some short breaks and day treats to look forward to.
Just some suggestions. It is not easy when you have lost your best friend husband.

I make Happiness boxes for friends. They include ;-
an eraser to remove your mistakes
a marble for when people say you have lost yours.
a coin so you can't say you are broke.
a rubber band to stretch yourself beyond your limits
string to tie up loose ends.
a heart because love is all around you
a "ruby" because you are priceless
a "diamond" because you are a gem

I wish you happiness Carmen54

Apologies if this sounds brutal - I do sympathise with your loss.

BUT ..... Stop thinking about yourself and concentrate on making other people happy.

What a lovely list MilestOne
I suspect the search for Happiness is a bit like looking for The Holy Grail. Does it actually exist for most people.
There are some wonderful comments on this thread - especially from Bluebell and if you read other threads, I’m sure you’ll see that it’s impossible to be happy (whatever that is) all the time, unless you’re PollyAnna.

MilestOne what a lovely idea!
I’m going to do that, thanks for the tip👍

I’ve been a widow for three years and only now am I getting close to being happy again. As others have said, it’s about seizing on the small things that make your life seem better. You need to be good to yourself. I like flowers in the house, so I bought a monthly subscription to have a bouquet delivered on the first day of each month. I love cushions and bed linen so I bought a ton of them in the sales. Maybe just planting some bulbs or putting up a bird feeder might bring you some happy moments? Make some soup or bake some scones if you like cooking?

I’m afraid I can’t bear people who think sitting looking at old photos of a dead spouse is going to cheer one up!

Same with “hobbies”, they can seem a complete waste of time! (Mind you, I do like a jigsaw, and I have joined a choir!)

To start with the basics, it all depends on your personality type. Are you introvert or extrovert? (You can be a bit of both by the way). I think extroverts are more prone to unhappiness as they seek out more connections and its hard in this day and age to have meaningfup connection with people if you don't go to a place of work or club. Then there are introverts who may naturally shy away from situations where they could meet people. This is why people enjoy having a pet, because it breaks the ice and won't judge you. If you aren't going out much, it might be just what you need to fill the gap and distract you.