My OH (of just over a year) refuses to speak on the phone to my oldest GS who is 8. He says it’s because he found him rude the first time he met him a year ago. I have tried to get him to accept that sometimes kids are not at their best when meeting people for the first time. He’s 78 and insists that when he was a child he never interrupted. I’ve tried to tell him that times have changed but he refuses to listen. I’ve asked him to move on and try build a relationship with my GS but he flatly refuses. My OH and I live abroad and he only sees my family 3-4 times a year for a couple of hours at a time. I visit more often. I’m alone at the moment and my GS is coming on a sleepover tomorrow and my OH has told me to tell my grandson to leave me alone in another room and not interrupt me when I am talking on the phone to him. I don’t want to do that because if my GS does interrupt me my OH will sulk and use it as another reason to confirm why he doesn’t like him. He has no relationship with his own granddaughters (8 and 10) and blames his daughter, but I think he is the problem. His biggest concern with his GDs is that they are doted on my their mother.
I think he is being self-centred. I have given up most of my time with my family to live abroad with him but his behaviour indicates that I must always put him first (but without actually saying that).
Advice please.
I'm relieved to hear that you have kept a home somewhere else which I hope is near your family.. It gives you some power.. I think I could enjoy the company of someone who lives in another country if it is only for 5 months a year.. especially if you make it very clear that you will not compromise where your family is concerned..
You've have a family and love the interrupting GC. Many 8 year old children are not yet 'manners ready' for polite conversation.
A 78 year old should be able to accept somewhat 'poor manners' of lovely GC. If he can't accept not being first - leave him.
Sounds to me to be a bad one-sided relationship -- flee!
Glorianny
Overreact a bit more. Don't answer when he rings, or answer say you can't talk and hang up if you can't tell if it is him.
The first rule of good manners is to show consideration to others. He considers nobody but himself. If he is like this after only a year what will he be like after 5?
Mum's net is right LTB
The first rule of good manners is to show consideration to others.
Hear, hear!
And we try to teach our children this, but they are not robots and for some, it takes a little longer than with others.
sandra13
If we were talking about an 18 year old your OH might have a point, but this is an 8 year old, and for him to be so dismissive of this child shows a distinct lack of wisdom, maturity and consideration. Not to mention that you've said he has nothing to do with his own grandchildren. Which of course is the fault of the mother (sigh).
I wouldn't go so far as to say LTB (though I can understand why some do), but... tread carefully. I am glad you have your own home in the UK.
I notice that is is blaming you for his actions. He says you "overreacted".
Please be careful with this self-centred man who is afraid to even chat to an 8 year old who was maybe rude (or maybe too excited) a year ago.
You are right - instead of cutting the child off to "try to work with them to teach them not to."
Sadly I don't think this "new" man of yours would be open to lessons.
As an aside, I'm not sure sandra if you have a home in the UK or if he is here and the other home is in a different time zone butI have family eight hours ahead and eight hours behind the UK. Calls can be made at bedtime or first thing and I manage to speak to the people I love. It's easy with (say) WhatsApp as you can message first and say "are you up?" without actually waking them.
Overreact a bit more. Don't answer when he rings, or answer say you can't talk and hang up if you can't tell if it is him.
The first rule of good manners is to show consideration to others. He considers nobody but himself. If he is like this after only a year what will he be like after 5?
Mum's net is right LTB
I've just seen your latest reply.
I'm glad for you that you have your own home.
Are you married OP, and do you have more money than him?
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How much of your old life do you still have, and is he happy to be part of it?
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Does he seem to have any illness or small signs of dementia at all?
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Do you want to loose family and friends, money or become a carer in the future?
Listen to GNetters replies, you may not see it yet, but they can.
Best of luck
I do not understand why you are letting this controlling man take over your life. They are your grandchildren and do not push them to one side because of him. I talked non stop as a child and try shutting me up now! This is what children do so please do not punish your family. Life is too short and tell him to buggar off.
Unfortunately the time diffwrench makes this impossible.
Just reading these wonderfully helpful replies.
This is my first exposure to this site and I wasn’t t sure that my post had been accepted.
I have/and will keep my own home. I spend 5 months of the year at my home.
We had dated for a year in 1965 and went our separate ways. We met again a few years ago and saw each other a couple of times since then when I was visiting the UK. We rekindled the relationship (unexpectedly) in 2022. I return to the UK on Wednesday.
I emailed him yesterday and told him I wouldn’t be calling him before I return and told him not to call me either. I got a long email back from him basically saying I had overreacted.
I appreciate all of your comments. I don’t like children interrupting me either but instead of cutting the child off I try to work with them to teach them not to.
The other day , my friends and I were chatting about the lack of manners in some of our grandchildren .
To be honest , we had Victorian or Edwardian grandparents and the thought of being rude to them didn't cross our minds .
I brought my children up to be polite and I'm disappointed that two out of my three grandchildren can be really insulting .
BUT this man has no right to prevent you seeing your grandchildren and in trying to enforce his regime by punishing you with sulking - it really doesn't bode well for the future , does it ?
Soon , you'll find that your friends will be selected for you and any that he senses disapproving of him will be thrown out of the nest .
I call it the cuckoo mentality .
And it won't stop there - every aspect of your life will be dictated and controlled by him .
Some partners achieve this very subtly .
One day , you'll wake up and realise that you are walking on eggshells trying to please him .
And perhaps failing .
I agree, please take care , of course children interrupt! I can hear my Mum now saying " don't interrupt" This man is doing his best to keep you from your family - please be careful. I am wondering if your OH was brought up in a very different culture from you , if so that may explain things - doesn't make it right though!
BlueBelle
Why no answers sandra ???
If Sandra doesn’t come back it confirms my suspicions on these threads.
I won’t elaborate on here 😉
Wow, controlling, or what? If he gets away with this, it won’t be long before he moves on to isolating you from the rest of your family, Sandra then your friends as well, then perhaps stopping you from going out on your own and more.
I’d say keep a wary eye on your passport, your financial dealings and so on and be ready to leave him asap. I cannot see anything positive in your relationship.
Curtaintwitcher
I have a totally different opinion from everyone else here. It sounds as though your grandson is spoiled, hasn't been taught any manners or respect. It is not ok to interrupt someone while they are talking on the phone, unless there is an emergency.
There is this assumption that a new partner must also take on the rest of the family. I don't agree. We all have different standards and your new partner seems to have higher standards than you. Find someone who is as lax on manners as you are.
There is this assumption that a new partner must also take on the rest of the family. I don't agree.
From what we are told - he doesn't appear to approve of his own grandchildren, either as he has no relationship with them. Apparently, it's the mother's fault.
We all have different standards and your new partner seems to have higher standards than you.
Or maybe he's just a self-centred, entitled curmudgeon who doesn't like children.
Find someone who is as lax on manners as you are.
... spiteful and unnecessary.
Just run! There’s no way any man would be prioritised over my grandchild or any of my family. Wake up and smell the coffee!
At 78 it is your OH who should know better.
Stay here OP, don’t go back.
Sounds to me like this man thinks it is perfectly OK for him to interrupt the OP and her grandson by phoning them when they are having a get -together. He should learn some manners and phone at more appropriate times, such as when the boy has gone to bed.
Why no answers sandra ???
You are with a man who likes to control you and is attempting to separate you from your family.
I hope you are not married to him so that you can just leave without difficulty.
Advice please.
I hope he's just a partner and you're not married to this man.
As they say on Mumsnet - LTB
pascal30
How can your 8 year old grandson have a sleepover if you live abroad? and why are you alone?
The way I read this is that OP is on a visit home alone without her OH and the GC is coming to sleep over. OP's OH is expecting her to send the GC to a different room every time he rings because he expects her undivided attention and no interruptions every time he deigns to ring her.
OP this has all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship. He is trying to isolate you - moving abroad, limiting contact with your family and trying to force you to "choose him" all the time. He is jealous and competing with a young child.
I would reevaluate whether you really want to spend your life in a controlling relationship away from your family.
What a selfish man. Why put up with his rules? Either give him the boot, or put your foot firmly down.
There must be a reason you are not saying as to why you are with him.
you say you've given up time with your family to live abroad with him!
how could someone who loves their family move abroad with a man they've known for a year!
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