How can I deal with my friends cancelling on me?

It’s very rude to continually cancel, unless for a real emergency. It’s also very rude to spout on and on about one’s grandchildren to anyone, not just friends without grandchildren. Nothing more boring imho. If people have a general interest they can ask, and often then it’s out of politeness and shouldn’t be an invitation for endless photos and stories. My friends share special moments, clips of adorable ‘firsts’ on WhatsApp but we never spend our time together talking about grandchildren per se unless there’s an exciting update, a worry or health issue. My dear mum loved all her grandchildren but used to say ‘I don’t like old people, all they do is talk about their grandchildren or how well their kids are doing’.

Could you invite them plus grandchildren, and play grandma by proxy.?

There is a big difference between saying no to a suggestion of meeting and cancelling an arrangement though.

Most people understand the former - an invitation is not an order - but the latter can be very selfish and inconsiderate.

I am sure you do not wish to appear to be needy. Maybe leave the ball in their court and see what happens. If they do not bother to rearrange or get in touch so be it.

I'm a 'nana' and have just said no to a friend too, due to seeing my grandchildren on the date she asked, as its the school hols, so I get to see my eldest grandchildren then too. Go on your local council site and find the local school holiday dates and plan some dates in between the holidays. Give a few dates that may help. I've rearranged with my friend to an appropriate day.

Why not invite them to come along and bring the grandchildren?

You know, this has not happened to me with my more, ahem, mature friends, but I see it all the time with younger people. We hosted a get-together around the holidays to have some people over to see my daughter and grandbaby who were in town for three days. The people who are my daughter's age - 30ish either never replied, or passed a reply through their parents, and then at the last minute, blew us off to go to a football game. Happened last year too!

Honestly, I think that there is a general lack of civility in society, and people are always waiting for something better to come along and willing to cancel to be able to go to the "better" event!

It’s tricky that’s for sure. I’ve got two main friends, both of whom became grandparents much sooner than me and we all have different circumstances. They certainly did, and sometimes still do, cancel for grandchildren. But, knowing their adult children and the personalities involved, I can see why they do it. They are relied upon. Made to feel guilty if they don’t do it. It’s not that they don’t like me, they do, but the grandchildren take precedence. I’ve two choices: accept it or lose the friendship. I choose to be flexible. I’ve got a grandchild myself and he means everything to me but I am not involved in his care as they live abroad. I’ve no doubt I’d leap into action if they were nearer.

The trick is join clubs, NT, other groups where you will meet more people, like I did, without children, grandchildren, older adult children where the grandkids are teens etc. that way there is no relying on these old friends and you may find that you will be the one struggling to fit them in when they suggest a date!

Gosh amazing responses and loads of food for thought here, many thanks indeed to everyone who replied to my post.

I realise now I have taken the cancellations personally. They are still very special friends to me, but its not true the other way around any more. My friends 'special friends' are now their grandchildren. I can also see that I might have behaved the same way if I had ever been lucky enough to have grandkids. I dont think they are stepping in to provide childcare cover, I think they just prefer to take the grandkids swimming, to the Panto and out to attractions. All these things are new (grandkids 4 and 6) whereas we have been exchanging meals with each other in more or less the same format for decades. Perhaps it is indeed time to move on, although easier said than done. Making new friends is hardly easy. I have two volunteering jobs, am very active in U3A and village clubs but none of these things has generated friends I would regularly invite to lunch. However I can see scope for joining a weekend walking group or maybe volunteering for the National Trust to fill the gap left by not seeing friends at the weekend. I have now sent my friends a What's App saying I hope they enjoy the swimming trip and maybe we can sort something out when the nicer weather rolls around. I wont contact them again, but I will respond if they get back to me. Its a bit worrying. I first met them when I was 18 and they have been closer to me than my own family.

‘understand’

My friend and me meet every fortnight for lunch and a catch up .xamways with the proviso that we can cancel if needed for grannie duties….not often now as hers are all grown and my youngest is 12 . My daughter works a way from home a lot and is separated ….although they both share the care of kids , one week on-one week off….sometimes for dental apps or jabs or hospital apps( quite regular) with 12 yet old …I step in . It enables my daughter to not have to cancel her lecture tours. And for SIL to go do his job ( teaching) without too much upheaval. I’m available and willing to do it. My friends u deter and ….we all have reciprocal arrangements.

People who will drop friends in favour of family commitments on a regular basis really should think about boundaries. If we allow our children to demand constant free childcare, so that we can no longer honour our own friendships, it bodes badly for the future. Very soon grandchildren will no longer need regular care and those who gave up their friendships for them will be left stranded, finding their friends have moved on and they have lost precious relationships. Genuine friendship is one of life's treasures. Grandchildren are wonderful, but they only need us for a short period until they launch, all too soon into their own lives.

Don't give up, persevere. Good friends are precious

As a gran with adult GC now I would say to the grans who drop friends every time for the GC one day you will find the GC not around or needing caring for. At this point friends can be very precious. I know sometimes you just have to help as I have myself but do keep a life of your own.

I agree with above about limiting conversation re grandchildren ..we all start off with a general v quick round up of how they’re all doing, then move on to wider inclusive topics. My friends now seem to go on about their exotic winter holidays and constantly put white beach and turquoise water photos on the wassap groups ..always with the temperature in degrees ..annoying when I’ve woke up to dark rainy mornings, about to scrape ice off the windscreen. 😂😫

I am not particularly understanding when people cancel at the last minute. Often what constitutes an ‘emergency’ to them just means that it will be more convenient if they do something else instead of sticking to an arrangement. What many people don’t consider is how inconvenient it might be for you if they cry off. You (generic) may have rearranged things, put arrangements of your own in place or turned down other invitations in order to keep to what you had agreed, and to be told that none of that matters because the other party has something better to do is really not on, IMO.

Of course family comes first; but that usually applies to far more genuinely ‘emergency’ situations. I also think it’s rude to drone on about grandchildren to the exclusion of other conversations. We all love our nearest and dearest, but should remember that they are just ‘someone else’s kids’ to most other people. It’s the same with dogs, holidays etc. If they’ve done something truly remarkable, or if they are behaving in a worrying manner, a real friend will care and want to know, but ‘Fred’s got a new car’, or ‘Olivia got a gold star for her drawing at school’ conversations should last no more than five minutes, and preferably not be accompanied by 342 photos .

What to do? Maybe say that as you are fed up with being cancelled on, next time could she call you when she’s definitely free and you will see if you are able to meet up? That way you won’t have missed out on anything else, or be disappointed not to go.

I believe if you make an arrangement you should do your utmost to honour it even if you have grandkids and to respect those without grandchildren by not banging on about them constantly - including showing dozens of photos . It’s not fair to let people down unless absolutely necessary . The constant appearing on face book with heaps of food in a restaurant or glass of wine and smug face is also a bit boring but such are people .

The grandparents are all knackered! Maybe find some interests with different friends. Often it's hard as we want to help as grandparents, we usually take on more than we should. The only thing I can say is as a grandparent you're very aware that when you're with them they take up all your attention. Therefore you're reluctant to invite a friend along who doesn't have grandchildren because you feel responsible to the friends to chat to them, whilst you are busy looking out for the grandkids and thinking about what you're going to feed them when you get home etc. So any other responsibility at the time is just too exhausting to entertain. So don't take it personally. Maybe this is the opportunity to branch out a bit.

We have grandchildren, but my daughter will always ask first if we’re busy, before booking us in, if I’m committed, Grandad aka MrJ will step up.
There seem to be an awful lot of Grandma’s helping out, but not many Grandad’s, I realise not all women have partners, but some must have, don’t they all help with their grandchildren?
In an emergency, either or both of us help.

Now that I’m in my senior years I find the commonality with my friends that has been our bond for 25-50 years - some never had children by choice - we’re all free as birds.

Older adults are also seeming to prioritize their social universe by scaling back, making life easier. Does that mean shedding friendships too? In some cases, yes. Overbearing, needy, narcissistic, overly sensitive individuals are being cast aside for calm, easy-going, relaxed friendships … because life is too short for negativity and drama.

I don’t think being a gran is the problem more the type of person they are. For what it’s worth last week a friend phoned to say they were coming to our town to go the dentist and wanted to pop in. I was busy in the morning but said ok to the afternoon and she said she would be over about 4.30 for a drink and sandwiches, even discussed what she wanted in them. Well she never turned up. A week later she told me it was because she had a blood shot eye, she was upset at how much her dental treatment was going to cost and she needed to take her grandson food shopping. Also asked why I didn’t ring her to find out where she was. So now after about 30 year friendship I have decided to cut ties. It’s just plain Rudeness.

Dear SunnySuzie, please don’t be upset, lots of reasons for some friends to postpone or cancel a meal or an outing.

Some people are just rude, and that’s absolutely no reflection on you, and some grandparents grab every minute that they can with their grandchildren because they know that they will grow up soon, and the children won’t want their grandparents around as much. Some grandparents, I’m afraid, are bullied by their children into caring for the GC but won’t admit it to you. And as some have said, some friendships have run their course, I’m afraid.

I seem to have two sets of friends, and one set have children and grandchildren and the other doesnt. But frankly there are rude and or forgetful people in both groups! Just depends if you want to keep in touch with the temporarily absent or rude or forgetful ones!

I now keep in touch with some people via WhatsApp or Facebook mainly because I know that getting to see them at the moment may be more difficult, particularly if they have GC.

Please don’t get despondent, lots of points of view on this thread, so hopefully you will follow the ones that helpful to you! 🌷🌷🌷

RosiesMaw

^It seems that once you have grandchildren, you no longer have a life of your own^

Oh dear what a sour and bitter reflection!
You could say that once you have children you no longer have a life of your own
Or, once you have a loving partner you no longer have a life of your own
Or once you have friends..etc etc
A life of your own can too often be a life on your own and part of loving relationships is spending time with them, putting them first, giving (and receiving) love in return. And you do this out of choice -not out of obligation or duty.

So by all means rejoice in your life of your own remembering it can too often end up as a sad and lonely life on your own.

I do so agree…Family almost always comes first I’m afraid, and sorry to say this but if you did have grandchildren you would understand they come first!

Bad manners on their part! I have grandchildren, a couple of my friends don’t. I would never cancel on them just to take my grandchild to the park nor would I prattle on about them to friends who don’t have any. What is wrong with people!

grandtanteJE65

Having known at least one of these people for 40 years, you presumably know her well enough to ask straight out what is going on.

I admit that grandparents, or anyone else, who have promised to look after school- or kindergarden children when they are off sick and the parents cannot take time off work, can be forced to cancel. However, cancelling now for a date in February hardly falls in that category.

Ask them what is going on, whether they feel the friendship has deteriorated or what. Say nicely, that you feel hurt and that you hate feeling this way and want to know exactly where you are.

I just do not get this pussy-footing around, feeling hurt attitude instead of asking, which so many Gransnetters seem to do. My father would have said, "You've a good Scots tongue in your heid, lassie." meaning ask if you want to know something.

I agree.