Differences of opinions on major/sensitive issues

Chestnut

You have described one extreme to the other. Surely there is a midway point? Telling everyone about the colonoscopy was way too much information imo as they only need to know if something was going on down there. So yes, he should have waited for the result before telling all and sundry. But not telling anyone anything is not good either. Discuss these things together as they come up and I'm sure you can find a midway point.

I agree.
In the past children weren’t told anything, not even when teenagers.If you’re a close knit family you may want to tell each other a bit more than a far flung and more distant family would.

Cherrytree59

*I'm fine* will be on my tombstone 🪦

We were brought up to say “I’m fine” however bad things were

"Don't worry" is mums.

Though I'm mums carer (have been since around 2003 I think, I have NEVER been away from here! I'm here 24/7 as we're on a smallholding and I can't afford a holiday let alone afford to pay someone to look after the place!) and the last couple of years have been very hard emotionally for me. Last year, I didn't feel well, which is not me, I just didn't feel right so I got a nurse appointment and my BP is high, in the 170's, normally 120 ish.

When I got back, mum said "what do you go to town for?" So I told her, I didn't feel right so went to Doctors. Her reply ? " Oh, don't worry about it, you'll be fine. "

Well, that really narked me, so I snapped back "Just once, you'd think you'd ask, are you alright? My blood pressure is way high, I'm p***ed off, stressed, and you come out with you're fine? The world does not revolve around you!" Well, she just shrugged her shoulders and went back to playing on her phone!

About a week later, routine GP appointment for mum, she came out,.got back into car, "Dr says I have high blood pressure, you need to take daily readings!" So I told her, " oh don't worry about it, you'll be fine! " she was disgusted that I would say something like that.

She told my sister what I said, my sister asked me why i said it, so I told her, sister understood my side!

Grannybags

Cherrytree59

I'm fine will be on my tombstone 🪦

We were brought up to say “I’m fine” however bad things were

We were, and I do.

I’m very private and I also feel that I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems. That said, sometimes I wish I was more comfortable with sharing my problems as it can be very lonely dealing with things on your own. I guess we just have to accept that we are the way we are and that’s ok.

Good grief! SheepyIzzy I don't think I would put up with her selfishness.
I hope you are fine?

We mostly tell eachother things if they are important.
When DH was first diagnosed with cancer, our youngest was a young teenager but she insisted on staying at the hospital while he had a 6 hour operation. He recovered from that but 15 years later had a recurrence which led to his death. This time all our DC were well aware and helped me with his care.
I don't think people outside the immediate family knew he was so seriously ill. He wouldn't want people to think of him as an invalid and he never complained.

I was very ill at times when my children were growing up, so they have developed a sense of when things aren’t right with my health, but neither they, nor I, make a thing of it. One child especially has a sixth sense regarding my health, but handles it (me) very sensitively.

A few years back I had suspected throat cancer as my husband was about to embark on a three week adventure. I didn’t tell him anything at all until he’d returned, which was just a couple of days before I had to have a biopsy. No-one in the family knew about it except my lovely mother-in-law who accompanied me to hospital visits and was sworn to secrecy until my husband came home.

Similarly, when I was dealing with my mother’s death, my husband didn’t mention to me that he was having some medical issues. It’s not that we’re generally secretive, just that other things were going on at the same time and we each felt it right to protect each other.

We do generally discuss the health of various family members, but if it’s going to burden someone at a difficult time we try to think of the bigger picture. One of our children has asked to be kept informed and we always honour that particular request.

I am one of those who prefer to be open about everything. The idea that you can hide things is a sweet delusion. Family and friends will be aware that something is happening and be more worried because they do not know what the problem is - terminal cancer or an ngrowing toenail.

It is not a question of being emotional or getting emotional, I just deal in cold hard facts and everyone is much happier with that.

I agree on the whole M0nica but think I want to work out what approach I'm going to take before everyone else has their own ideas about how to proceed. I tend to need to be in control of my own health as much as I can be and don't need extraneous input when making decisions.

I'm happy to talk about it once I'm clear. I don't need or want their input until then. It may only be a few days but when I thought I could have a gynaecological cancer I wanted the facts first before raising it with them.
Once I'd decided what to do I was happy to talk about it. My husband obviously knew and I do understand other people's fears about me and try to take them on board - but in the end, decisions have to be mine.

My husband, on the other hand likes to have a simple route laid out for him by his medic and follows that path.

In a way he has less to talk about as he says "I have X and they are treating it". If I say I have X and want the best/worst case scenario of treatment at every twist and turn that can involve a lot of family discussion! If I say I'm thinking of doing x or y or z... there is always another (inappropriate) thing that someone will have come across online. I can do without that when needing serious care.

My late MIL was not a robust person, she had led a very sheltered life, she was also totally impractical!
She knew nothing of what we had to deal with.

My mother was a narc so if she knew of anything amiss she would find a spin and make it all about her.

Neither of us had a reliable or empathetic sibling.

We kept my cancer away from the children until I went in to hospital for surgery, we also kept them in the dark about potential company moves across the country until we were certain of all the logistics and facts.

Thank God for dear friends who helped us through many traumas.

When my husband was diagnosed, we told our daughter and no one else as we had a holiday booked with my sister and brother in law. DH didn't want them treating him differently. Th

Apologies. The strain of that holiday was awful. It was a bit of a holiday of a lifetime and I couldn't enjoy it as I was trying to act normally. When we got home and told them, they said we both deserved an Oscar. Never again.

Both of our children were very upset when we didn’t share a potentially serious health issue with them so now we do. They are both very supportive, in different ways, and this is what works in our family. Apart from them I would tell two other family members and three very close friends because they shared their very hard times with me, and this is what works outside immediate family. There are other family members I wouldn’t dream of sharing with or confiding in. Horses for courses I guess.

Death and dying were never mentioned in my family. At the age of 7, when my parents took off one weekend, leaving us with our relatives. I knew there was something wrong, so I asked my uncle if grandpa had died and he told me 'yes'. When my parents returned there was no mention of the reason for their absence. They never changed but I have been frank with my sons who would resent being kept in the dark. I didn't mention a colonoscopy which showed nothing amiss anyway.

It's personal choice obviously but I really don't see the point of secrecy. A friend knew about my husband's diagnosis and her husband was subsequently diagnosed with the same condition. She rang us for advice and asked us not to tell anyone. We didn't tell a soul. She rang a few weeks later accusing me of telling someone as they had found out. She wouldn't believe it wasn't me. It wasn't. I felt terrible. I'm not sure secrecy is a good thing. It's added stress at an already stressful time.

I remember being very little - it’s one of my earliest clear memories - and being handed the phone to speak to my grandad and to tell him I loved him. Afterwards, I asked my mother why my dad was crying and she explained that it was because grandad was dying. I remember knowing what it meant and that it was very sad, but obviously I didn’t really have much context for it. In contrast, I have friends who didn’t even know their grandparents were ill.

I can't believe you were unaware of your grandmother 's ill health when you were 25 years of age. Has you lost contact with her, moved away? I was aware of my uncle's impending death when I was 13 and ditto re. my grandfather's cancer when I was 15 although I was never "told".

My nice told me recently that my sister, some years ago, had breast cancer. I was annoyed that I wasn't told but also that I'd completed many forms which ask, is there cancer in the immediate family, and I've been saying no.
And quite some years ago she made lots of excuses not to get together. Then she told me her husband had died, and had buried him 6 weeks previously. Her daughters were upset with her as she wouldn't let me know.

My mother was dying and I had no idea. I was 18 and wondering when she was going to recover when my sister broke it to me that sometimes people don’t get better. It was such a shock but apparently mum wanted me protected when I was sitting A levels. I understand that but I can’t believe I was so naive. I wish I had been told as it would have changed the way I spent those last days of her life.

For me, secrecy added to the stress of the diagnosis. I was relieved when we told people.

I’ve had my share of health scares and issues and I’ve handled them all over the board - secrecy until all tests were concluded and I decided on my plan of attack, and, like last month I had a TIA (transient ischemic attack)… in other words, a mini-stroke.

That incident went a little more viral as I relied on a friend who was available for transport to the hospital. Word got out fast, at least to that social group. I did not tell other friends till I got home from the hospital and had some information.

When you think you can control it, sometimes you can’t. It is what it is:
• People are well meaning and want to support you by telling others, forming a circle around you
• if YOU are the one telling, it may be that you could use a listening ear and need some emotional support
• If you’re totally private, people will talk behind your back and make up their own diagnoses, especially if there are telling physical signs
• One needs to unload the burden sometimes, don’t think you can carry a heavy cancer diagnosis all by yourself/or with spouse, so consider sharing some info… family/friends can be tremendously understanding and helpful
• Best to share with only those you can TRUST. The rest can wait.

Good luck and Godspeed all who are dealing with health issues.
USA Gundy

I never used to tell people, if I wasn't feeling good, or was concerned about something, but I've changed. I too had parents who didn't like using the dying or dead words!
My current view us if we never tell our families that things are worrying or concerning, then (as this post shows) they grow up doing the same. We we have a great deal if people around worrying alone, that feels unkind to me. Additionally, we all have feelings, why not discuss them, feelings are what makes us human, and helps stop the taboo of discussing feelings in future generations. Just a thought