Daughter issues

Re the air BnB, go for it. I've stayed in rooms in air bnbs, I don't need a while house, just a room, access to a kitchen to do some food and the bathroom. I have stayed with people and sat in their living rooms, sometimes they were out so have kept their pets company. Depends so much on the person. One lady was a bit needy, all I'd say is don't be needy, but I enjoyed my stay regardless. Others I've kept to my room and just relaxed.

I presume that the house is yours. Why should she object to an Airb&b. I presume thats why she's being objectionable.
If your lonely, you must take what steps you deem good for you. Does she live at home? I lost my darling husband of 60 years fairly recently. The emptiness is awful.
Stick up for yourself. Don't let her bully you. I think a previous post said 'ignore it' it will go away.
Don't let her bully you.

Say nothing! Least said soonest mended!

Shame HannahD hasn’t been back with an update. I wonder if she’s seen all the kind words and support people have offered. I hope so. I hope she’s well.

Refer your daughter back to the very beginning of her course. No one can make you feel anything. You cannot make your daughter feel anything. Yes she sounds very insecure and some personal therapy might help her. Her therapist will also point out the basic simple fact that no one can make her feel anything.

Ikiesgranma I’m so sorry you are going through this; thinking of you 💐

the traumatised can heal
There are many wounded healers whose trauma only influences the work they do by adding to their ability to empathise while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
Suspicion of therapists seems often to mirror the fear of witches.

I agree with posters who have mentioned narcissism
As a counsellor myself I would also say that there are plenty of counsellors who are sadly not empathetic, and who are on power trips. Because of this I am careful about referring clients onwards. Counselling is a calling, counsellors are needed now the days of the 'village wise-woman' are gone! It is great helping people heal and listening to the shocking stories of what others have suffered makes you grateful for your own blessings. Some stories are haunting, it's true, but the traumatised can heal, and that's a great testament to the strength of the human spirit.

For someone who has ANY training in psychotherapy/counselling, what she has said is surprising. Two of the first things you learn are a) feelings need to be expressed (after all, she did ask you), and b) we are all responsible for our own feelings. Therefore if she feels guilty that is HER reaction, and up to her to own and sort out. I am wondering who is guilt-tripping whom, here. If she is practising/going to practise, I presume she is having her own therapy? It sounds incredibly wearing for you, and I cannot think why you should apologise. It may sound a strange suggestion, but some form of couple therapy for the two of you might help to straighten things out? I'm also wondering what has made her so insecure, and what her relationship with her father was like. Take care of yourself.

AlanaV what a very sad story.

Presumably you have gone over the possible reasons a million times but from ny limited experience it does seem quite common for a DC to blame one parent for a breakup. Could your ex have something to do with it?

Summerlove

red1

psycotherapists are not always right! Most go into the psychiatric profession owing to their own problems, who in the right mind would want to listen to what can be horror stories day after day?

People who feel the call to help others go into this profession.

To say most go into it due to their own background is laughable

summerlove, I trained as psychotherapist in the 1990's and practised for several years, before becoming doubtful of the benefit of therapy.I still stay firm over my observations.The term 'wounded healer' has a long history in the quality of a healer, they would have to honour their own wounds, deal with them as best as possible, then they could go on to help others.Lots go on counselling courses etc never to complete them , ask why? It is accepted that most people who work in psychiatry have direct or indirected experiences of mental illness.The giants of psychiatry, freud jung etc all suffered mental illness. The facts are not laughable........

I’m sorry your daughter has put you on the back foot. Adult children are tricky - in my experience they harbour grudges from their childhoods for years - things you hadn’t even registered were in any way hurtful.
As for Airbnb - as a widow travelling alone, I regularly stay in airbnbs run by women like yourself and chat to the host and by invitation join them in their living rooms for a drink. All quite jolly.
My advice - do what you want and let your daughter stew in her own resentments. Her perceptions are not your problem.

Oh dear, what a selfish young(ish) woman she sounds. She asks you a question and you answer, she doesn’t like your answer so she gets annoyed with you. Are you sure she studied psychotherapy? A certain amount of empathy is needed if she intends to work within this field, she doesn’t appear to have any, with you at least. No you don’t owe her an apology but she does owe you one. She’s an adult not a kid. She doesn’t feel sad, she feels guilty that you get lonely sometimes in the evening. You only told her that because she asked a question to which that was the answer! You didn’t qualify it with “ because I never see you in the evenings”. She sounds quite self absorbed. Tell her she asked and you answered, how your answer makes her feel is entirely her business and it’s not for you to apologise. Maybe try some meet up groups to get you out a couple of evenings, not sure tha Airbnb will bring much company. I’ve never done it where the landlord was in situ though. All the best to you.

As SmileLess said, she asked a question, and you answered. I would ask her flat out, what would she expect you to say, anticipate her (yet again) hurt feelings and faux outrage, so tell a lie?

Or ask her if perhaps she could write a detailed essay how she wants you to run your life, so clarifying how you might move forward with her permission?! [Grams2five says very similar]

NB >> I'm unfamiliar with 'Art Psychotherapy'. My first guess was that it meant working out why Monet painted so many flowers, or what Dali might have had in his head when painting those weird images? Etc etc.

But I was moved to check out a course 'prospectus', and I see I was on the right lines! From one module I found this text :- "Students will be expected to develop an advanced capacity for self-reflexivity and awareness of their own role in the therapeutic relationship. Students will also have the opportunity for self-reflection through art making processes in independent studio time.".

So, Hannah, have a look at some Picasso, or perhaps a Rothko or two (big lumps of colour, a bit like stripey flags, on the ones I've seen, a doddle), so you can dash off a few pics for analysis?!

I was always totally hopeless at drawing, and art, unless it was something using a set square and template, diagrams and the like! So it's odd that I now get a lot of pleasure from seeing some of history's great artists, we've been lucky enough to see the likes of Brueghel, Bosch, Holbein, Gaugain, Rembrandt, Renoir, Van Dyck, Rubens, Turner, etc in various galleries round Europe, I wonder if they ever thought that 'art psychotherapy' might be a 'thing'?!

Tell your daughter to analyse something bloody useful like any tax or insurance implications, or the expense of finding a cleaner for changeover days, or your safety as a lone woman AirBnb host. Then tell her to go and analyse herself!

I love staying in AirBnb but would not like it at all if I had to converse with the owner ! When I stay in one I want to be busy getting out exploring or relax in my rented space. It’s very unusual that I see the owner as all transactions are done online and keys are in key box at the property. Very occasionally I have met the owner to get the key but this is unusual.

Daughters !!!! mine has not spoken to me for 17 years ...I traced her online and find she is now married with a son .......and is in contact with my ex husband, and all her new husband's family (pictured with them) I have no idea why ! no criticism, no rows, etc ...just one day sent me a text following a holiday when I lived in Menorca (with her approval...and holidays twice a year, air fare paid for her and various friends, over the years) she did four years at Uni, Law, and then Criminology and something else ....she had no student loan as I paid her rent, and an allowance, bought clothes, food and stuff whenever I went to visit ....when she moved Unis to study the criminology degree, I bought her a car to make it easier to travel .......things we would all do for our children ...I expected no thanks for this ...just what a mother does ! I offered to buy her a little house but she said she did not want one, so I put money in an account for her .....I know where she lives, so send postcards from my travels all over the world now I am a widow .....I tried to take out a chidren's ISA for the grandson, but was told unless I had his mothers permission this was not possible ! Last communication 17 years ago was following a holiday with us ...she texted me saying 'can we come out for summer ?' to which I replied Of course, just tell me when, and I will arrange flights and pick you up at the airport .......three weeks went by with no communication, (well, she was a student !) so I simply sent a text saying HI ! hope you are ok ! looking forward to seeing you in summer ! I eventually received a text back saying 'DO NOT TEXT ME AGAIN !'....and that was that ! so sad

Someone I know began doing airbnb when his mum died. He had been caring for her and inherited her house. His grown up DC live with their DM but he's still on good terms with them
He absolutely loves being a host! He provides breakfast and often cooks and eats with them.
Guests are often doing short courses at the nearby university or are parents of students.
They return often.

He makes a small income but he gets so much out of it and is never lonely.

I find it hard talking to my DC about any plans I might have. They nearly always disagree.

Add my agreement. If you'd rung her saying, 'I've come to the point of doing AirB&B because I'm so lonely & you never bother to come round' THEN her response would be understandable.But if she's querying something you've decided you want to do (undermining of itself) & then being offended when she's pressed you to explain your reasons for doing it, that's out of order & you're within your rights to have been angry.

No apology needed. I'm glad she's not my daughter.

In my earlier post I completely forgot to add that another sure sign of narcissism is they lay blame on absolutely everyone else but themselves for their misery. They’ll turn around every situation to make you feel bad.

You’re not alone - I happen to have this going on in my family… a beautiful niece, smarter than heck, two beautiful toddlers, who blames everyone else - previous employers, ex-husband, friends, her relatives. She’s 40, in therapy, and still hasn’t figured it out!

Of course, there are Bad Therapists.
She has to figure that one out too.

What a horrible situation Ikiesgranma.
Please look after youself first and foremost.
I know how difficult it is when it's your mother, but I suspect she will run you ragged, and be no happier living with you.

Have you spoken to the staff in the care home about your mum?

Please continue with your plans to start an Airbnb. Additionally make a list of how you will develop yourself in the coming years now that you are a single person post divorce Your marriage was one of your life’s chapters. The years ahead will be another chapter or many chapters. Your daughter should now watch you develop yourself into the strong person that is within you. Do not be put off by her comments and put -downs or comments from any other people. This is YOUR story. Develop yourself . No one will come along and help you move on after all the years you’ve given to your marriage and your family. You so deserve to become the new woman that you so rightly deserve to be. You will probably find that people will be in awe of you and in the end they will respect you - even your daughter despite herself. Good luck with your Airbnb and all the wonderful things ahead of you.

I’ve just got home from taking my mother who has dementia out for lunch. I don’t like or love her as she made my life miserable with her controlling me up until I had therapy due to being diagnosed with cancer. In 2021. She has been very lucid today just very repetitive. Constantly telling me that she wants to live with me and how unhappy she is in her care home. I feel so pressured by her but I am in no state to look after her. My cancer is now terminal.

My youngest DD treats me like this! I am just turned 60 and she speaks as if I am decrepit and on my last legs despite my demanding professional career and the copious (as per a live in nanny level😳) child care help she receives from me! She is in her 30’s and in her last year of a nursing degree which rather than making her more empathetic has actually had the reverse effect! She is patronising, insulting and disparaging beyond measure! The only reason I tolerate it is that she is a single parent and two of her 3 children are ASD so she needs support!
I wish I had some useful advice here but you arent alone. My other two daughters are absolutely fine.