Abusive relationship

Simply continue to be there for your daughter whatever decision she comes too. Very upsetting for you as parents to know she is being subjected to this treatment.

You need to listen and take on board what your D is saying Nana. The title you've chosen for this thread is 'Abusive relationship' and an abusive relationship is not good for your D or your GC.

If she's questioning them buying a house together then she's clearly not happy with the way he's treating her. Find out what she wants to do, then you'll know how best to support her.

This has the hallmarks of coercive control and the one being controlled is often eventually isolated from family and friends. Please be aware of this as you don't want to be in a situation where there's little or no contact with her.

Stress and a lack of self esteem are no excuse for belittling the mother of your children by telling her she's no good.

I would just be there to listen but not take sides nor join in with any negativity towards your son in law incase they do get passed this.

In view of what she has already said I would stay aware of the controlling behaviour ready to step in if needed.

Please assure her that she and the children will be welcome to live with you. I was in the same situation as her, but had no choice but to put up with the abuse because I had nowhere to go.

I’d advise her not to buy anything until she’s sure she wants to remain in this relationship.

Controlling and belittling behaviour can be damaging, and is a form of emotional abuse.

I wouldn’t comment much, but just tell her you are always there for her.

It's usually not a good idea to interfere but when there is abuse I think some advice may be needed. Your DD is already thinking about not going ahead with a house purchase with her H and my advice would be to hold off on that too.
She says he is constantly belittling her and saying she's no good. This can wear away all her confidence and make it harder to leave if she ever feels she has to go.

Just be there for her in the background. Don’t belittle him even though he deserves nothing better because of the way he treats your daughter. Let her know that you will always be there for her. She has to come to the decision of leaving him by herself. Lots of parents bring little ones up by themselves and I was one of them. I finally got away after a very abusive marriage and life got better. No one should have to put up with this.

Perhaps advise her to contact Women's Aid who have trained Counsellors who can talk her through her options both legal and emotional. She could use your phone to contact them. Be aware, as said above, that the first step in total abusive control is for the abuser to isolate their partner from her family and friends. Also crucial is to ensure that the current rented home is held in joint names and any subsequent home is jointly owned.

Clearly your DD is having second thoughts about purchasing a property, that is a feeling she must not ignore. In your situation I would talk to my DD and suggest she gets advise from Women's Aid. If your SIL is of a controlling nature it will escalate and the longer she is with him the harder it will be to leave. They may be stressed due to house hunting, but I suspect it is more than that . Your DD has confided in you so that is an invitation to offer advise . Good luck .

It's good she's had this conversation with you as it shows she's realising things aren't as they should be. Anyone in a relationship needs to know their partner has their back come what may. A healthy partnership should inspire confidence and self worth not undermine it. It won't be good for the children to hear their mother belittled and they will soon learn to play one parent against the other, or possibly take against one completely. Try and continue talking with her about what a healthy relationship looks like without taking sides. Don't criticise her partner but help her to see what needs to change if the relationship is to survive long term.

I think a lot of it is stress. He wants to be in control and isn't. I serm to remember he was like this once before when house hunting. He has no family or friends. I think he envies of close family although we have always made him welcome.
He is an excellent father. He is so stubborn and will n3ver apologise. He will go out of his way to try and prove he was right.

I have a policy of not interfering in my children's lives .
But I certainly would in this , because it's potentially a horrible situation , which could even escalate into physical abuse .

I've seen this happen before .
I'm witnessing it now in a friend's marriage .She's lost her job and teetering on the edge of having a complete mental breakdown .
He may be an excellent father , but he isn't setting a good example to their children .
They'll grow up thinking that being abusive is acceptable in a relationship and feeling insecure and unhappy .
It could affect them for life .
Being criticised and belittled is a insidious way of control and your daughter will suffer from a lack of self esteem and even though , she knows that it's wrong she'll continually try to please him and fail .
Unchecked this situation can only get worse .
Your daughter has reached out to you and I'm sure that you will be there for her .
Marriage guidance counselling might help this situation and if it doesn't then it may be better that they separate .

I'm thinking of your daughter and the one in four women in the UK , who suffer some kind of abuse in their relationships .

Just a thought, 2 tiny children, possibly financial problems, renting/ buying are a lot to handle. People are under so much pressure these days.

Of course, abuse and control is never acceptable. Maybe a neutral space ie a counsellor might help.

Listen to her and do anything you can to reinforce her self esteem but try to avoid specific comments about her husband's attitude, at present. I think you have identified the situation accurately, and the fact he is constantly belittling her displays an underlying contempt, which is a very hard thing to overcome in a partnership.
They both may well be stressed in their current situation, but if she is having doubts about taking on a mortgage she must listen to her concerns, and voice them to him.
Does she work, or is she totally dependent on her husband?

Perhaps listen carefully, say little. Do say how wonderful and clever and perfect she is. Avoid all negative talk of sil, no need of your opinion.

Maybe ask if it may be better to wait on house purchase? Would that be something easy to discuss with your DD?

Just be her lovely loving mum.

I’m glad she’s told you. I was too ashamed to confide in my parents. I agree with others, do what you can to bolster her self esteem (men like her husband destroy it) and encourage her not to buy a house until things are better.

I totally agree with your post Esmay.

GSM

Thanks Smileless. Half a lifetime ago now. 23 years of abuse leaves its mark though. I hope the OP’s daughter, unlike me, has the courage to leave the relationship because this type of man doesn’t change other than for the worst.

The hardest thing surely for any loving parent is to not say anything critical about the abusive son in law. I can see why it’s better to resist the urge but oh my goodness it must take an iron will.

Until she decides what she wants to do, it would be far better for your daughter to continue renting.

Fortunately she's financially independent, in fact she earns more.
It's hard to stay quiet , my DH is fi ding it hard not to confront him but is aware it might make things worse. We don't to give him ammunition

He probably doesn’t display this behaviour in front of you, OP, so speaking to him about it would show that your daughter had confided in you and would cause further trouble. Only once in 23 years of marriage did my ex allow his mask to slip in front of my parents - and then flounced out before anything might be said. It would certainly have caused trouble if my father, who overheard, had said anything.

This is abuse and is extremely damaging

I agree you have to tread carefully, definitely do not speak directly to SIL

But you have to agree with your daughter this is abuse and she deserves so much better.

If you can offer her a safety net, somewhere to go or financial help, please do

Smileless2012

You need to listen and take on board what your D is saying Nana. The title you've chosen for this thread is 'Abusive relationship' and an abusive relationship is not good for your D or your GC.

If she's questioning them buying a house together then she's clearly not happy with the way he's treating her. Find out what she wants to do, then you'll know how best to support her.

This has the hallmarks of coercive control and the one being controlled is often eventually isolated from family and friends. Please be aware of this as you don't want to be in a situation where there's little or no contact with her.

Stress and a lack of self esteem are no excuse for belittling the mother of your children by telling her she's no good.

This is very good advice. Take it from me, I know.
Ignore advice to not take sides, your daughter needs you. Be there for her whatever she decides, but make it clear that you are there for her, not for him. Advice to stay neutral is bad advice, and believe, I know! Support your daughter.