Abusive relationship

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Thank you so much for your advice and wise words. It really helps x

My daughter was a victim of domestic abuse for many years all verbal and he was a smarmy charming individual to all around him. She escaped at a high cost to herself and two children but she is doing ok now four years on. Do hope your daughter works things out. Just be there for her it won’t be easy

FWIW I think you're handling this in the right way Nana. Your D knows you are there for her and despite your understandable concerns, you are giving her the space she needs to reach her own decision.

Whatever that may be, it's important that she knows it was hers and not because she was in anyway influenced by you.

I am totally on the side of my DD. We have told her that she and the children will have a home with us
I have absolutely no sympathy with SIL but am not saying much at the moment. They may resolve this.

Smileless2012

I totally agree with your post Esmay.

So do I, and so would I.

Gummie

I am going to be completely the opposite of many of the responses. Please step in an take care of your DD and Grandchildren. Every single day the news is full of women and children being harmed and worse by their male partners. Please don't wait for it to happen. If he is being abusive, controlling or anything that makes her feel unsafe please step in. Do not let us read about her on the news.

Yes!

Nana56

I usually see her once a week, and message in between.
I'm trying to stay calm . I asked her last week and she snapped saying she was fine and didn't she look like she was fine.
Now keeping quiet eye on things.
DGD are fine, they were talking about daddy in a loving way.
.

The problem with coercive abusers is that they can be very clever in concealing abuse from everyone else, including the children, and can be charming to all.

Why don’t you invite your DD to spend the night with you, with the children, just to spend some time with you, be very casual about it, and see if your DD opens up when relaxed and “safe”

Curtaintwitcher

Please assure her that she and the children will be welcome to live with you. I was in the same situation as her, but had no choice but to put up with the abuse because I had nowhere to go.

Absolutely!

Good advice from Gummie and thank you AskAlice for echoing my post.
Nana you should always be on the side of your daughter and from what you say, I think you are. There are so many cases of domestic abuse, and controlling partners are the perpetrators. I can only conclude that anyone who says don’t take sides has absolutely no experience of this kind of behaviour and abuse. Your daughter and her children are the ones who need support here, not her controlling partner. If she is irritable she’s probably under pressure and she probably hasn’t reached the stage where she really needs to leave this man, but just be there for her, whatever happens and ensure she knows that. When she does decide to leave, if she does, she will need all the emotional support and practical support you can give. Don’t worry about the partner, he sounds abusive and he doesn’t need support. Takes sides, take your daughter’s side.

I usually see her once a week, and message in between.
I'm trying to stay calm . I asked her last week and she snapped saying she was fine and didn't she look like she was fine.
Now keeping quiet eye on things.
DGD are fine, they were talking about daddy in a loving way.
.

Totally agree with maddyone. You obviously have a loving, trusting relationship with your daughter. Keep those lines of communication open with her and be there for her and your GC.

I am going to be completely the opposite of many of the responses. Please step in an take care of your DD and Grandchildren. Every single day the news is full of women and children being harmed and worse by their male partners. Please don't wait for it to happen. If he is being abusive, controlling or anything that makes her feel unsafe please step in. Do not let us read about her on the news.

Thank you for the update Nana this will give her more time to think things through.

Up date. My DD house has fallen through. Obviously not meant to be.
She says she's not looking now ,as got lots her mind!!

Talking to friends who've been through abuse in varying degrees - there is frequently a pattern :
The boyfriend
/ partner /husband often has a history of sexual problems , which he blames on his then partner .
This borders on a general misogynistic attitude .
Whatever the cause is :
genetics , depressions , alcohol /drug abuse - isn't going to help your daughter if this is the case .
I'm really glad that she's financially independent (is he jealous?) - perhaps she shouldn't commit herself to house buying with him and consider getting her own place -however modest .

Smileless2012

You need to listen and take on board what your D is saying Nana. The title you've chosen for this thread is 'Abusive relationship' and an abusive relationship is not good for your D or your GC.

If she's questioning them buying a house together then she's clearly not happy with the way he's treating her. Find out what she wants to do, then you'll know how best to support her.

This has the hallmarks of coercive control and the one being controlled is often eventually isolated from family and friends. Please be aware of this as you don't want to be in a situation where there's little or no contact with her.

Stress and a lack of self esteem are no excuse for belittling the mother of your children by telling her she's no good.

Sound advice here Nana56. I was in a similar situation to your daughter, and the verbal abuse could become physical. Please encourage her not to buy a house with this man. There is absolutely no excuse for his behaviour. Be there for your
daughter and granddaughters. Why does he have no family or friends? He envies the close relationship you have and is threatened by it. 💐

I am glad that your daughter is financially independent and working, because this will help restore her self-esteem, and also give her the means to leave should she wish, which I hope does not become necessary while her children are so young.

Starting a 'running-away' fund might be an idea; she could make back-up plans for the future. Sadly, I don't think the husband will stop. (bitter experience.)

Smileless2012

You need to listen and take on board what your D is saying Nana. The title you've chosen for this thread is 'Abusive relationship' and an abusive relationship is not good for your D or your GC.

If she's questioning them buying a house together then she's clearly not happy with the way he's treating her. Find out what she wants to do, then you'll know how best to support her.

This has the hallmarks of coercive control and the one being controlled is often eventually isolated from family and friends. Please be aware of this as you don't want to be in a situation where there's little or no contact with her.

Stress and a lack of self esteem are no excuse for belittling the mother of your children by telling her she's no good.

This is very good advice. Take it from me, I know.
Ignore advice to not take sides, your daughter needs you. Be there for her whatever she decides, but make it clear that you are there for her, not for him. Advice to stay neutral is bad advice, and believe, I know! Support your daughter.

This is abuse and is extremely damaging

I agree you have to tread carefully, definitely do not speak directly to SIL

But you have to agree with your daughter this is abuse and she deserves so much better.

If you can offer her a safety net, somewhere to go or financial help, please do

He probably doesn’t display this behaviour in front of you, OP, so speaking to him about it would show that your daughter had confided in you and would cause further trouble. Only once in 23 years of marriage did my ex allow his mask to slip in front of my parents - and then flounced out before anything might be said. It would certainly have caused trouble if my father, who overheard, had said anything.

Fortunately she's financially independent, in fact she earns more.
It's hard to stay quiet , my DH is fi ding it hard not to confront him but is aware it might make things worse. We don't to give him ammunition

The hardest thing surely for any loving parent is to not say anything critical about the abusive son in law. I can see why it’s better to resist the urge but oh my goodness it must take an iron will.

Until she decides what she wants to do, it would be far better for your daughter to continue renting.

Thanks Smileless. Half a lifetime ago now. 23 years of abuse leaves its mark though. I hope the OP’s daughter, unlike me, has the courage to leave the relationship because this type of man doesn’t change other than for the worst.

GSM