Missing friends, feeling lonely

Have you had a look on "Meetup"?

www.meetup.com/find/ireland/

Ziggy62 I'm so sorry you are finding this difficult.
What about a local drama group? They are usually "up for" things.

Are you Southern Ireland - ? I'm assuming so.

Unfortunately I'm unable to join a walking group as I'm waiting for a knee replacement but the ones I looked into are organised by the church lol.
I've been looking into volunteering at the children's ward at our local hospital as I used to be a nursery nurse.
Sadly the cost of property means we can't move back to my home town in England.

welbeck

she's been there 9 years.
no lack of patience, persistence, i think.

that's what I meant by tribal.. it seems to take many years in some areas.. so you either persist or move somewhere more cosmopolitan and inclusive

welbeck I think we read how long the OP has lived there - but I know that someone seen and chatted to every Tuesday and Thursday for a year or two is very different to ocxasional visitors to an ordinary gym.

Also, working in a voluntary capacity is generally a good way in. We don't know how long Ziggy has stuck with the groups - or what sort of groups even- and as she has told us she finds it hard I think that going enough times to be properly included may be the key.

If you are fit enough and interested, a walking group is what really helps my friend in Suffolk. She has made several friends through that.

Can you look at volunteering opportunities if you haven't already done so?
I don't think it matters where if it's something you can contribute to the friendships can follow.

Thinking of you ziggy. 💐

she's been there 9 years.
no lack of patience, persistence, i think.

Do you have MeetUp in Ireland. Choosing an activity you enjoy usually helps with making friends. Artists are very friendly if like painting/drawing.. and volunteering... I've always found my Irish friends are friendly but also very tribal.. I think it takes time and persistence..

Ziggy62. Have a lovely weekend with your daughter. You seem to have tried so hard to make friends and socialise. So sad to hear that you are feeling lonely, and a pity you can’t move back to your old home town. As suggested, becoming a volunteer, working with other like minded people and maybe helping people with various problems, could be the answer. I do hope you find a resolution. Please keep in touch. 💐

My daughter and son-in-law found that they made lots of friends in Ireland. They are both English.

My daughter's husband got involved in a charity which ran a food bank and he did some helping out at a sports club. Having children obviously helped but my son-in-law said he's never felt so much part of the community as there.

He also did some voluntary advice sessions for other local charities around data protection (which is one of his areas of expertise). Is there some skill you have to offer I wonder?

Is the gym/pool a council run one or private such ad those attached to a hotel or golf club?

We found we made no friends at the local pool but at the one attached to the hotel we see the same people every time. As the coffee, tea and so on is included in the membership you see the same members relaxing afterwards. Adter a few months it felt less cliquey as everyone chatted with each other.

I think you need to persist being friendly, open up a bit about who you are so you are less of a stranger. If you go regularly I think people will see you as belonging and then there's the opportunity for friendships.
I haven't really wanted friendships from my "swimming buddies" but some go out for meals once a month and I've been invited. There is someone there I always chat to and we are planning an outing this next week.

I think it's a case of persisting with your favourite activity until you really become part of it.

I think the aquarobics class is the one the women meet in a lot at our gym. They are all open and chatty afterwards.

I don’t know how long you have been doing your various activities but friendships do take time.

Thinking of you 💐

although you are not religious, i wonder if you could get involved in some of their social outreach activity.
soup kitchens, food banks, whatever they do for and in the local community.
that's if you are interested in doing some kind of voluntary work.
could you return to england, or is your husband against that.
what about the area you moved from in ireland, any chance of returning there.
your in-laws sound unusually unfriendly for Irish people, esp leaving a celebration early.
what about some kind of folk dancing, of a gentle kind.
different areas do have different feels or norms of social interaction.
eg having worked in inner London, i find generally a more friendly, humourous, ready to engage atmosphere than the snobby burbs, where people are interested in one-upping each other on houses and cars.
i hope it gets better for you, OP.

Thats lovely that you have that nice personality and can make friends.

I go dog walking most days some people smile and say hello, some don't.
As I've said I lived in a different part of the country for over 10 years and made so many friends so quickly.

Ziggy62

Yes, sadly I think you're right, which is incredibly depressing as I can't do anything to change that.
Unfortunately we can't move back due to his job. Thank you for your honesty, much appreciated

I don't think its anything to do with nationality. I am British, I have lived in the same place for years. If you have no bond with people eg the school gate, dog walking, its very hard to break through.
Lonely times, you have to fall back on your own resilience.

Yes, sadly I think you're right, which is incredibly depressing as I can't do anything to change that.
Unfortunately we can't move back due to his job. Thank you for your honesty, much appreciated

I think it’s because you’re English, which is sad. Nothing you can do to change that but would your husband consider moving back to where you lived before?

Oh believe me in the last 9 years I have worked really hard at it. Joined groups, smiled and chatted to people, invited work colleagues to our home for summer bbq, out for coffee (happened twice in 4 years) , invited husband's family numerous times (they came occasionally but never stayed long, they didn't even manage to stay for the whole afternoon of our wedding reception). Invited neighbours to call in but they never have.
Maybe it's because I'm English, maybe I'm boring, maybe folk are very busy with their own families/friends. I truly don't know as it's a strange situation I've never experienced before

Ziggy62

Thank you for all your replies
I have looked into the suggestions made. I'm not (or at least I wasn't) a shy, quiet person. I chat away easily when I'm working but no longer have the confidence to get involved with groups or try to make friends.
We joined local leisure centre few weeks ago, one guy told my husband he was swimming the wrong way, when we went for coffee after, everyone was in their own friendship groups, no one spoke
I'm home alone today, weather is miserable and I just wanted to off load
Thank you for listening, much appreciated xxxx
Oh my daughter is coming over this weekend so that is something to look forward to

I think society and people have changed.

Sorry but I do and you have to work hard at it now.

Thank you for all your replies
I have looked into the suggestions made. I'm not (or at least I wasn't) a shy, quiet person. I chat away easily when I'm working but no longer have the confidence to get involved with groups or try to make friends.
We joined local leisure centre few weeks ago, one guy told my husband he was swimming the wrong way, when we went for coffee after, everyone was in their own friendship groups, no one spoke
I'm home alone today, weather is miserable and I just wanted to off load
Thank you for listening, much appreciated xxxx
Oh my daughter is coming over this weekend so that is something to look forward to

I would suggest that joining in the activities of one church would be noticed by members of the other - counterproductive.

There are lots of church activities on "both sides of the community " but I'm not religious and maybe that's part of the problem

Could you join one? And explain at the same time that you are not religious?

Yes so hard when you join groups and don't feel as though you are part of it apart from a nod and a smile. People are often set in their ways as they age and it becomes more difficult to make new friends. Perseverance is the only way. Just make sure the groups that you join are of interest to you rather than just something to do. Other people there may feel the same. I often find that approaching someone for a chat can break the ice.

No, its not just you. I am in exactly the same boat as yourself Ziggy62. I have lived here with DP nearly 7 years now. I have joined every type of social group from walking, reading, yoga, knitting, WI among others to build a social life and make friends but it has been very disappointing. I've given up on most of them. My immediate next door neighbours are lovely but they are the only ones I get to have a chat with, usually over the garden fence but its not a daily thing. Can be once in a while. None of the other neighbours even acknowledge me when they clearly know I am about. I find it quite frustrating tbh. The people at the various activities do nod and smile but everyone just goes home at the end of the session. It was so different when I lived in London, everyone in the street would stop and chat. We would always help each other out when needed. We would chat to other neighbours in the local pub. I miss it all so much. OH is quite introvert and doesn't feel comfortable socialising. If he goes before me I will be very much alone. Its a worry. I do have a part time job but again, although everyone is very nice it hasn't enabled me to build any friendships. I too miss the female chats and companionship. There is nothing to compare with a female bond.

Ziggy62

Cossy, thank you for replying, much appreciated, as I said I've been in same village 9 years (more than a few months lol). As you say the Irish are friendly, both my husbands were/are Irish but I find in this part people smile, have the "craic" but don't want to take it any further. I've joined groups, got chatting to ladies my age but as soon as I've invited them for coffee they are in a rush to get away.
There are lots of church activities on "both sides of the community " but I'm not religious and maybe that's part of the problem

Don’t give up and I wish you the very best

Ziggy 62 it isn't easy to make friends at any age and I think now that people have so much going on in their own lives and home entertainment can be all absorbing. My friends are about 6 in number and I have known all of them years. I have made one new friend in the last 5 years and sadly had to move from that area 80 miles from her. I golf and the club love to tell people how friendly they are - yes but on the course or if a golfing holiday is proposed. As for the conversation... GOLF. Not for me I like a variety so I am not one of the In Crowd. However through FB I have me some women on line who are starting a new friendship group in Wetherspoons - sounds good to me I am going to go. Please have a look round for opportunities which may not look hopeful but do keep trying to join groups. You sound like a lovely friendly person to me and someone soon is surely going to take up your offer of friendship.