My son and his wife are so messy and unorganised

It's fine to have a mess in their home. So either put up or don't go round.

As for coming to yours, maybe just say you love to see them but nappies and bibs will be the order of the day.

Totally relate here - my daughter and son-in-law are totally loving and devoted parents but unbelievably messy in their style. My daughter brings the kids up in a way that is totally different to the way she was brought up. But, the main thing is that the kids are loved and secure, the rest is just detail. Any attempt to intervene/comment will 100% be seen as attack on parenting skills and cause damage to your relationship. So not worth it, loved children is the most important thing here. Bite your tongue x

Well you sound like such a supportive, welcoming granny

Easy: Your house, your rules. Their house, their rules.

I think you have to fit in with them when you are in their home (their house;their rules). Some people are just chaotic by nature.
If you find it intolerable have only short visits or no visits.
By the same token however they have to respect your house (your house; your rules).
I think that allowing them to pee on your carpets(I find that incredible!) is intolerable.
I wouldn't allow anyone's dog to regularly pee on my carpets ( occasional accidents being different of course) let alone their children.

I wouldn't like them visiting, its a very chaotic stressful way to parent. With grandchildren i would have to grin and bear it if I visited, however if they were not related I would not be visiting or inviting..If they visited me i would want them to sit and eat and wear nappies, if that's not possible just visit them,. Heaven help the teachers if one is five. Schools should not be expected to put up with untrained unruly children, it is pure laziness.

They won't appreciate you criticising their parenting skills or lack of but you are well within your rights to have your own rules and wishes in place when they visit your home.

If you want to maintain a relationship, keep quiet about it. Their home, their choice. Your home is another matter. If you don’t like the mess, meet them somewhere else.

I have a similar problem but the children are so much older so it’s not food or really dirty but it’s so messy, towels on the floor bags of stuff everywhere, undecorated rooms which have been started but not finished for years. The whole house is a mess inside and out. I don’t visit very often, usually arrange to meet up for coff somewhere or have a family meet up doing something like 10 pin bowling and they can always visit.

I really wouldn't put up with it. It's unbelievably rude and completely unacceptable. They're basically trashing your home and nobody has the right to do that.

The latest buzz word is "boundaries" and you need to set them. Your son, if not your DIL, wasn't brought up like it and he knows perfectly well it's not the way to behave.

and how would they feel if you went into their home and obsessively tidied it up ?
isn't that a closer comparison to coming into your home and messing it up !
i don't think you should tolerate that.
don't let them in.

We all live differently , I wouldn’t say anything, how would you feel if they said the way you live is wrong.

As the saying goes, this couple are making work for themselves.

I always had my children clean enough and disciplined enough to make my life as easy as possible

Bluebell it is one thing for them to have no boundaries for the children in there own home,but it is quite another for the children to run around with no nappies, with food in their hands in someone else's I would not allow it, and if the visits cease so be it.
Easybee rightly pointed out that these type of children arrive at School not toilet trained, they take up the teachers time and other children suffer.
Personally I think the parents are lazy and to be fair though I would not say it, their house sounds filthy, fine, but not in mine.
I have Grandchildren and my son and daughter would never be so disrespectful as to allow this to happen in my home.

ADHD often causes people to be untidy because people with ADHD overlook to a great extent, anything they’re not extremely focused on. They will have one or two areas where they focus fully and sometimes disproportionately, such as their work and their children, whilst simultaneously finding it difficult to focus at all on other things, such as housework.

I admit to not liking mess and clutter and having raised 3DCs,having dogs and looking after DGC fairly regularly I tidy up and clean as I go.However not to the point that I'm obsessive.
DD however is very untidy and although every now and then they do a big sort out. I prefer to have her children at ours because I'm itching to tidy ,and often can't find things.But it's their house.Their children.And they are both busy working parents whereas I had the luxury of some years at home then working part time.Plus the children are loved and they get out and do lots of fun and interesting things with them.DD is however respectful when she is at our house and the children do sit still to eat.And DD always makes them tidy up toys before they leave so it's not as frustrating as your situation.

I feel your pain. I too have an untidy and always on the edge of chaos DS and DDiL. My DGC are now teenagers and the specific problems you have with food, nappies etc are not the ones that happened, but untidiness and a house full of stuff (mainy books, they are both academics) .

I know that part of the problem is that DS (and DGS) have ADHD, but one of the things we do when we visit, they live 200 miles away, is not sleep overnight at their house. For some years we stayed with DDiL's mother, now her health doesn't permit that we stay in a hotel. This does break up the day that in the evening we can rertire to aquiet tidy bedroom.

I think you have to bite your lip and say nothing, I think every grandparent has to do that to a greater and lesser extent. Perhaps ration and choose when you visit for the time being.

In 3 or 4 years the children will be potty traied, self feeding and at school during the day and things will probably improve.

My family live in chaos but they are all so happy. I just go with the flow and enjoy being asked to babysit.

Cabbie21

It seems there are three children under 5? Chaotic at the best of times!
In their own home, try not to worry- not your responsibility. In your home, you could try to set some ground rules especially around where food is eaten, though if they have never had to follow any rules it will be hard- but harder still when they start school!
If no nappies is just short term potty training, this is just the weather for them to be outside. If long-term, what happens if they go out? I would not want ‘ accidents’ on my carpet, so restricting their ‘ no nappy’ area would be one of my rules.

This sounds like a kind response from Canbie and she gives useful suggestions. Some responses have been very hard. I understand why you feel upset about your house being disrespected, because that’s what it is. I would dislike it too. I wouldn’t want food all over my furniture necessitating a full clean when they’ve gone, and I wouldn’t want children weeing on my carpet necessitating getting out the Vax carpet washer after every visit. So yes, granny’s house, granny’s rules. At their house they can do as they like. Nonetheless I don’t think these parents are displaying any parenting skills, I think they basically can’t be bothered to parent their children.

If they are training them by leaving nappies off and you insist on the babies wearing them, I think you can expect the number of visits to decrease. You did it your way and they will do it theirs.

You can insist on ‘your house, your rules’, but they can insist on the right to parent their children their own way.

I think the running with food thing is different, though.

My son and ex daughter in law were the same in their home with my first granddaughter. Although as a NNEB nursery nurse things were a bit more organised when they visited my home and they respected that.
BUT my granddaughter now in her mid 20s has grown up to be the most polite, well mannered, sociable young woman with a good job and has just bought her first home which she is so excited about.
We really can't tell our adult children how to parent their own children.
I agree we can have rules about food, nappies in our own homes

Ps the older ones 4/5 should be managing a toilet even if you need a step

Usually little ones are so proud when they go on the potty when at your house ( if you have them alone) I d have a potty each for them and loads of praise if they make it
I was a great believer in star charts I don’t know if they re still a thing or have they been frowned on as too competitive !!!
We had star charts for lots of training things with a very small treat at the end of the day or end of the week
It won’t help at their own house and nothing you can do about that as long as they are thriving, loved and happy
They ll soon follow others at school for sitting eating going to the toilet (unless the teachers are forced to train them which should NOT be the case)

It seems there are three children under 5? Chaotic at the best of times!
In their own home, try not to worry- not your responsibility. In your home, you could try to set some ground rules especially around where food is eaten, though if they have never had to follow any rules it will be hard- but harder still when they start school!
If no nappies is just short term potty training, this is just the weather for them to be outside. If long-term, what happens if they go out? I would not want ‘ accidents’ on my carpet, so restricting their ‘ no nappy’ area would be one of my rules.

Oh leave them alone let them do it their way ( how many kids are you talking about it sounds like a whole kindergarten)
As grandparents we really need to fit in we can kindly suggest
(once) but if the idea or suggestion isn t taken up that’s the end of it
A messy lifestyle isn’t ‘necessary’ bad for the kids
running around without nappies in warm weather is a great freedom for the kids and how we did it when potty training

Food/ teeth etc sounds awful but again you can do it the better way when they stay at yours but otherwise keep quiet

Are the kids happy?