My son and his wife are so messy and unorganised

If you can't bear to be around why are you going?

I would not go to their home if it affects you so much. My take on this is, its OK for them to parent how they like in their own home, but when they are at yours they should not be running around your home with no nappy and food in in their hand.
They are being disrespectful allowing the children to be unruly and it is clearly affecting you.

rafichagran I agree.

Not unreasonable to ask for nappies and food in the kitchen when they come to yours. If you go to theirs, put up with it or dont go.

The thing is that you are attacking their parenting skills . Their ways are clearly different from yours, but that’s ok in their own home.

In your house it’s different, and you’d be within your rights to ask them to sit still when eating. Unless they are babies they should be able to adapt to doing things differently at Granny’s.

If I were you I’d stop commenting on what they feed their children, and stop changing them all the time - what’s the point if they are going to get dirty again soon afterwards? Lay down rules about eating at your house but leave them to do the parenting. Could you put a plastic sheet on the floor and ask the children to sit on that picnic style, or only have food when on the mat? That would contain it, and be easy to clear up when they go home.

I agree too. You can't do much about their house or parenting skills. It's really up to them.
But when they visit you then you do have the right to expect better. Your house, your choice.

Stop going and judging them

Problem solved

I agree with you that their parenting style is chaotic, but their house, their rules. If you go there do not run round attempting to clear up after them because it won't make any difference.
In your house, you have the right to expect that the children wear pants at least, and sit at a table when eating. But if they are allowed to roam free at home it won't be easy for them to comply. These are the sort of children who are arriving at school not toilet trained, and with a complete lack of table manners when eating their school lunch; another job school staff are now expected to undertake.
A difficult situation for you to deal with.

From what you have posted, it sounds to me that the lovely parents do not have a parenting style but they have a lack of parenting which I view as laziness. Also, it doesn't sound as though they have "skills" in parenting. No parenting Skills. From what you've written, it sounds as though they are raising their children as some sort of animals. I hope I am wrong. However, I would not correct the parents on this but I would play a manners game with the children at my house and be the mean granny, if necessary, who teaches them table manners. For heavens sakes. I am so sorry that you are witnessing this tragedy. It is not right.

When I read the title of your post I thought that could be me writing this, until I read further. My DS & DiL are also very messy and unorganised in their own home. It drives crazy when I go to theirs, but that's the way they are. They're very laid back and relaxed. And it's not my place to change what they do, or how they live in their own home.

When they visit us, they do usually dump kiddies stuff all over the place, on the chairs, on the dining table, etc., so it all needs to be cleared before you can sit down or eat a meal. I guess, to a certain extent, you have to expect lots of kiddies stuff when the GCs visit! BUT, they do still discipline their children, and don't allow them to run around with food, etc. And they always make sure that everything is tidied up properly before they leave. They are probably more strict with their children's eating habits than I am to be honest.

Personally, in your position, I wouldn't be allowing them to disrespect your home when they visit. I'd say to them that it's up them what they allow the children to do at home, but when they're in your home they have to respect your rules, and that means eating at the table, or in a high chair (we purchased a very cheap one from IKEA to strap them into!), and no running around with food, etc. otherwise they don't have any, and they certainly don't get ice cream! They'll soon learn to abide your rules!

Oh leave them alone let them do it their way ( how many kids are you talking about it sounds like a whole kindergarten)
As grandparents we really need to fit in we can kindly suggest
(once) but if the idea or suggestion isn t taken up that’s the end of it
A messy lifestyle isn’t ‘necessary’ bad for the kids
running around without nappies in warm weather is a great freedom for the kids and how we did it when potty training

Food/ teeth etc sounds awful but again you can do it the better way when they stay at yours but otherwise keep quiet

Are the kids happy?

It seems there are three children under 5? Chaotic at the best of times!
In their own home, try not to worry- not your responsibility. In your home, you could try to set some ground rules especially around where food is eaten, though if they have never had to follow any rules it will be hard- but harder still when they start school!
If no nappies is just short term potty training, this is just the weather for them to be outside. If long-term, what happens if they go out? I would not want ‘ accidents’ on my carpet, so restricting their ‘ no nappy’ area would be one of my rules.

Usually little ones are so proud when they go on the potty when at your house ( if you have them alone) I d have a potty each for them and loads of praise if they make it
I was a great believer in star charts I don’t know if they re still a thing or have they been frowned on as too competitive !!!
We had star charts for lots of training things with a very small treat at the end of the day or end of the week
It won’t help at their own house and nothing you can do about that as long as they are thriving, loved and happy
They ll soon follow others at school for sitting eating going to the toilet (unless the teachers are forced to train them which should NOT be the case)

Ps the older ones 4/5 should be managing a toilet even if you need a step

My son and ex daughter in law were the same in their home with my first granddaughter. Although as a NNEB nursery nurse things were a bit more organised when they visited my home and they respected that.
BUT my granddaughter now in her mid 20s has grown up to be the most polite, well mannered, sociable young woman with a good job and has just bought her first home which she is so excited about.
We really can't tell our adult children how to parent their own children.
I agree we can have rules about food, nappies in our own homes

If they are training them by leaving nappies off and you insist on the babies wearing them, I think you can expect the number of visits to decrease. You did it your way and they will do it theirs.

You can insist on ‘your house, your rules’, but they can insist on the right to parent their children their own way.

I think the running with food thing is different, though.

Cabbie21

It seems there are three children under 5? Chaotic at the best of times!
In their own home, try not to worry- not your responsibility. In your home, you could try to set some ground rules especially around where food is eaten, though if they have never had to follow any rules it will be hard- but harder still when they start school!
If no nappies is just short term potty training, this is just the weather for them to be outside. If long-term, what happens if they go out? I would not want ‘ accidents’ on my carpet, so restricting their ‘ no nappy’ area would be one of my rules.

This sounds like a kind response from Canbie and she gives useful suggestions. Some responses have been very hard. I understand why you feel upset about your house being disrespected, because that’s what it is. I would dislike it too. I wouldn’t want food all over my furniture necessitating a full clean when they’ve gone, and I wouldn’t want children weeing on my carpet necessitating getting out the Vax carpet washer after every visit. So yes, granny’s house, granny’s rules. At their house they can do as they like. Nonetheless I don’t think these parents are displaying any parenting skills, I think they basically can’t be bothered to parent their children.

My family live in chaos but they are all so happy. I just go with the flow and enjoy being asked to babysit.

I feel your pain. I too have an untidy and always on the edge of chaos DS and DDiL. My DGC are now teenagers and the specific problems you have with food, nappies etc are not the ones that happened, but untidiness and a house full of stuff (mainy books, they are both academics) .

I know that part of the problem is that DS (and DGS) have ADHD, but one of the things we do when we visit, they live 200 miles away, is not sleep overnight at their house. For some years we stayed with DDiL's mother, now her health doesn't permit that we stay in a hotel. This does break up the day that in the evening we can rertire to aquiet tidy bedroom.

I think you have to bite your lip and say nothing, I think every grandparent has to do that to a greater and lesser extent. Perhaps ration and choose when you visit for the time being.

In 3 or 4 years the children will be potty traied, self feeding and at school during the day and things will probably improve.

I admit to not liking mess and clutter and having raised 3DCs,having dogs and looking after DGC fairly regularly I tidy up and clean as I go.However not to the point that I'm obsessive.
DD however is very untidy and although every now and then they do a big sort out. I prefer to have her children at ours because I'm itching to tidy ,and often can't find things.But it's their house.Their children.And they are both busy working parents whereas I had the luxury of some years at home then working part time.Plus the children are loved and they get out and do lots of fun and interesting things with them.DD is however respectful when she is at our house and the children do sit still to eat.And DD always makes them tidy up toys before they leave so it's not as frustrating as your situation.

ADHD often causes people to be untidy because people with ADHD overlook to a great extent, anything they’re not extremely focused on. They will have one or two areas where they focus fully and sometimes disproportionately, such as their work and their children, whilst simultaneously finding it difficult to focus at all on other things, such as housework.

Bluebell it is one thing for them to have no boundaries for the children in there own home,but it is quite another for the children to run around with no nappies, with food in their hands in someone else's I would not allow it, and if the visits cease so be it.
Easybee rightly pointed out that these type of children arrive at School not toilet trained, they take up the teachers time and other children suffer.
Personally I think the parents are lazy and to be fair though I would not say it, their house sounds filthy, fine, but not in mine.
I have Grandchildren and my son and daughter would never be so disrespectful as to allow this to happen in my home.

As the saying goes, this couple are making work for themselves.

I always had my children clean enough and disciplined enough to make my life as easy as possible

We all live differently , I wouldn’t say anything, how would you feel if they said the way you live is wrong.

and how would they feel if you went into their home and obsessively tidied it up ?
isn't that a closer comparison to coming into your home and messing it up !
i don't think you should tolerate that.
don't let them in.