Am I being Mean

allow her to take advantage or don't have her stay over
or (not of)

SueBooWoo

Since my sisters husband passed away 4 years ago, we have always invited her to spend a night with me and my OH, usually a Sat night and then cook her Sunday lunch, often making enough for her to take a meal home.

She has never invited us to her home for a meal and I'm really feeling miffed and taken advantage of.

Am I being mean as I feel guilty, TBH I don't particularly enjoy having people stay in my home but make an exception for my sister as I feel sorry for her being on her own. Thanks

Are you being mean? No.

Are you feeling taken advantage of? Yes.

You allow her to take advantage because you feel sorry for her being on her own. Either allow her to take advantage of don't have her stay over.

Perhaps do that which makes you happy, not upset?

Bluebelle, you do not ask right out, you choose your time and lead up to it or ask indirectly. There are many different approahes you can use.

Do you cook on the Saturday she arrives as well as Sunday?

If so, perhaps you could ask her if she would like a chat in the kitchen as you could do with some help with the veg/pots/pudding etc?

Or suggest a salad instead of s.lunch?
Just now and again.

She may like to potter around and chat whilst doing things with you?

I know from experience, some people make me feel as if I should just sit in a chair and keep out of the way, when I stay, and others are happy for me to do the washing up etc.

MatildaMay

Just give it a miss for one weekend saying you or your husband are ill. You don't have to invite her all the time, your weekends are precious then gradually stop inviting her, if she asks why just tell her that you have had things going on recently but when you can you will pay her a visit and sleep over. See what she says, if she is not happy about you visiting her then stop having her visiting you.

See OP's post above

It's not every weekend but 4-6 times a year

4 years into widowhood is nothing. Keanu Reeves put it so well when he said "Grief changes shape, but it never goes away. ".

It's been 10 years since my husband died and not once has my sister asked me to stay over. I do stay at my sons house sometimes and I love it, it makes a nice welcome change. A bit like a mini break.

Your sister finds comfort staying with you now and again. She obviously needs you so please don't withdraw from her. Every couple of months is surely not too onerous. You don't need to make a big fuss and push the boat out with fancy meals, just a nice room to sleep in and some good home cooking. Maybe watch a nice film together on Saturday night.

Right now she may not be ready to cope with overnight guests, so just stay kind and thoughtful, and let her stay with you occasionally. I am sure she appreciates it.

Not mean as you don't say you are stopping, just feeling taken for granted. Just have a moan and carry on! Did you used to be invited to her house before she was on her own? Does she live far away? Could you suggest meeting somewhere for a day out and meal for a change?

when you live on your own, cooking can be a big thing as it is for more than one person. Maybe the way to get around it is to suggest you go over one evening and bring the pudding whilst she cooks the main course or vice versa?

Personally that direct question would make me back right off and go into a shell Monica personally I d say four times a year is not that much and you re doing her a kindness.
Has she ever invited you to her house prior to her husband dying ? It could be that she appreciates seeing you and your kindness but doesn’t feel up to entertaining herself
Give her some slack

Why not just talk to your sister and ask her if there is any reason she does not ask you back.

If it were every weekend that would be different, but every two or three months is surely not onerous? I guess it depends on your relationship. Did your sister ever invite you when her husband was alive? The dynamic has changed now. I agree that she will welcome a change of scene, to a home where she feels comfortable, secure and not lonely. Don’t deny those to her. It is not easy going home to an empty house. It may be too much for her to host you both.
But if you want to change the routine, you need to take the initiative. Suggests a day out or a short break together. Going out on your own, however confident you think you feel, is not always easy. The other day I was out in the next town, and felt very alone amidst families in the park, friends having a coffee on the pavement cafes, couples shopping together. Your sister values your company, but if having her at your house is too much trouble, make different arrangements to meet.

What is your relationship with your sister? Are you close? Have you ever been close?

My sister can be querky, but I have known her all her life and know the circumstances that have shaped her and we had loving parents. I accept the oddities of her behaviour, for the ties that bind us.

I think the visits and their non-return are just the outward signs of a more complex personal relationship.

Well I think you are being a bit mean.
It’s only a handful of times a year, she’s your sister, she’s widowed, she may be lonely.
The fact that she invites herself tells me she desperately wants company, it would be much nicer if you invited her, how do you think she would feel if she read this?

Sue you are not being mean. The things that are hard to give are definitely kindnesses. It's easy to give if you receive at the same time.

welbeck is right about loving people whilst we can. You are doing this by taking care of her now and then - and she is grateful and happy for your company. You are obviously nice to her when she comes - and your husband is too I think as you seem to do this together.
Talk to your husband about how/ if you can make it easier maybe? Could you cook in advance say, so you just need to put something in the oven?

My good friend whose husband also died about 4 years ago says eating alone is still difficult - and coming home from say, shopping, to an empty house is still hard. I am grateful that I'm not in her shoes and still have my lovely husband.

to you for supporting your sister.

Perhaps she is not coping at home and is embarrassed about letting things slide since her husband passed. Or maybe she finds entertaining in her own home too difficult on her own. I would keep up the kindness but if you are beginning to feel resentment building I would stop doing what you do and meet up in a mutual place for lunch or an evening meal .

In life there are people who put a bit of effort in and those that don’t.
Do keep putting the effort in and make her happy with something to look forward to. It’s not many days a year and I think you would feel a bit mean if you stopped. You are doing something very kind and that is to be applauded. Do you feel she doesn’t appreciate that?

MatildaMay you haven’t read it correctly it’s not every weekend about 4 times a year
Surely that’s not a huge sacrifice but if it is turn it into three Maybe she just isn’t such a good host as you I used to love having people to stay, now I don’t much and I don’t like cooking for others any more either I used to but not now she might be a bit depressed or maybe her house isnt as good as yours

Perhaps she prefers to get out of her own four walls and coming to visit you?

As it is only a handful of times a year then maybe it would be nice to carry on as you are.

she doesn't always have to visit you does she?
If you don't get on well then cut down on the visits.
If you do like spending time together then surely you can suggest visiting her or staying somewhere else in an Airbnb.. she's your sister...

welbeck

life isn't all about transactions, and love certainly isn't.
try to love her while you can.
when we lose someone, that is in my experience, what hits the most; why didn't i love her him more, why didn't i prioritise that.
and then there's nowhere to put the love
that we feel so strongly for the person who is gone.

that's so true. It has made me teary

I think you have obviously made your sister feel content, happy and safe and that is a really kind thing to do. If you want to visit her, I think you need to tell her really. Couldn't the two of you go to a hotel or two for the night somewhere nice? spoil yourselves?

welbeck

life isn't all about transactions, and love certainly isn't.
try to love her while you can.
when we lose someone, that is in my experience, what hits the most; why didn't i love her him more, why didn't i prioritise that.
and then there's nowhere to put the love
that we feel so strongly for the person who is gone.

This is very true.

SueBooWoo You don't actually mention whether you love or like your sister or whether you just feel duty bound to accommodate her.

There may be a number of reasons why she doesn't invite you back. If you are really that upset about it try asking her. But you could then leave her feeling guilty about visiting you if she feels unable to return the favour.

Why dont you contact her and ask if you can visit her?

If you dont wan to have her at yours a few times a year then tell her, much kinder than inviting her then being resentful and bitter about it.

I dont think you are being mean. There is no reason to like someone just because they are a relative. If you are inviting her as a "duty" because you feel she is lonely you can always cut the visits down and invite her les often.

Or you could suggest going to her one time and see how she reacts. Maybe she does not have the income to budget for more than one.

Honestly, if you want something done differently, you need to tell them so - they can’t read your mind.

Your sister has no reason to believe that you don’t love things just the way they are. Equally,

Work out what you would like to change about the arrangement, and then suggest that, either proactively or wait until next time she invites herself.