How to politely refuse the friend that keeps turning up with food gifts

Dazy a close friend of mine suffers from Interstical cystitis. It is indeed a very harrowing condition to live with. My friend experiences severe bladder pain and needs to get up to the loo around a dozen times a night. Daytime visits to the loo are a frequent necessity. I've lost count of the number of GP and hospital appointments involved. Also a range of medication which has not helped. However, fairly recently a consultant has prescribed medication which is helping. My friend is like you, she cannot eat certain foods because of the pain, inconvenience and tiredness caused by them.

Thanks for understanding Tuaim. Some people think their cakes are so amazing that everyone should want to eat them.

As I've got older I've seemed to develop a delicate bladder to certain ingredients and I've always struggled with bowel disease , among other health problems which I won't go into. Allergies too. It's so much easier to manage my symptoms if I say no to unnecessary food items being offered!

Like the woman you mentioned, I know the kind of woman who bakes for pleasure and then wafts around bearing trays of cake, wanting to be told how delicious her creations are!

It would be nice if "no thanks" was accepted with grace without saying no feeling like an issue or them trying to convince you to have some.

OnwardandUpward

The best gift is something that someone wanted or needed. If they don't want it (because it's unhealthy for them ) and they don't need it, it would be better to find someone who does. There are LOADS of charities and food banks that would be SO grateful.

Hygiene IS an issue. I was once horrendously ill after eating a home made chocolate brownie offered to me by a neighbour.

Garden produce is always welcome, because it's HEALTHY. I don't believe anyone would turn down home grown veg, unless they just did a big shop and can't use it.

I agree, making cakes and watching someone eat them can be a power thing. I had someone who I told I had a weight problem and that I was giving up cake, make a cake ON PURPOSE and bring it round. When I said I'd told her I wasn't eating cake she made such a fuss, saying that she'd made it especially- that I ended up eating some in front of her as she watched with undisguised pleasure.

At that point it becomes abuse.

Yes, I totally agree with you. I belonged to a social group and we had one of these 'cake feeders'. She would arrive with trays full of her creations and my every answer was 'No thank you, I am fine'. I do bake at home but what I want, when I want, and how I want. You are so right about fixing boundaries.

Is your friend supporting you in other ways as well as bringing food gifts? I would be very reluctant to hurt her feelings. However you have to be mindful when someone else has health problems which may be made worse by the wrong food and drink.

My nephew and I used to enjoy a glass of wine with a meal once a week. Lately he has been advised not to drink for a few months because of a health problem. We got some non alcoholic wine in this week and it didnt taste any different. We think we may stick to it.

Of course not! @Arewethereyet I was referring to the person I was writing about who kept giving me cake. I dont know why you would think that I would be talking to you in particular

take it to a food bank Easy answer and someone else will benifit

I rarely eat sweet things, if anyone offers me any I just say no thank you, I won’t it eat and don’t. If they ask me how it was I say ‘I didn’t eat it, I did explain I wouldn’t’.
Once you’ve done it once, the message gets across

To make excuses for someone who repeatedly violates our boundaries causes us stress,

Sorry OnwardandUpward - was that aimed at me?

Wow...

If the person is making food to share they can share it somewhere where it IS wanted.

To make excuses for someone who repeatedly violates our boundaries causes us stress, so best to re-assert our boundaries and stand up for our health intentions, knowing that a true friend will respect this. Someone who is only interested in their own ego will not respect yours.

psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2016/07/how-to-deal-with-people-who-repeatedly-violate-your-boundaries#Special-challenges-when-dealing-with-repeat-boundary-violators:

Maybe she has few people to share her passion with. I know an awful lot of people who love to bake cakes and muffins and share them around because there is no one at home to eat them.

One of my walking group does it - every time we meet up she brings us a big muffin each in a tin and we all eat them. She hasn't many friends or family living nearby so loves to treat us all. Absolutely no underlying agenda, she just loves to share.

If she knows you've been ill for a long time she may be trying to help you feel better. Try telling her that you don't want her to come round any more if she's bringing gifts as it makes you uncomfortable and guilty that you are unable to reciprocate. She will say that she doesn't want anything back, so tell her sorry but you can't carry on taking her gifts until you are in a position to gift back.

The best gift is something that someone wanted or needed. If they don't want it (because it's unhealthy for them ) and they don't need it, it would be better to find someone who does. There are LOADS of charities and food banks that would be SO grateful.

Hygiene IS an issue. I was once horrendously ill after eating a home made chocolate brownie offered to me by a neighbour.

Garden produce is always welcome, because it's HEALTHY. I don't believe anyone would turn down home grown veg, unless they just did a big shop and can't use it.

I agree, making cakes and watching someone eat them can be a power thing. I had someone who I told I had a weight problem and that I was giving up cake, make a cake ON PURPOSE and bring it round. When I said I'd told her I wasn't eating cake she made such a fuss, saying that she'd made it especially- that I ended up eating some in front of her as she watched with undisguised pleasure.

At that point it becomes abuse.

You don't sound ungrateful at all. She's a feeder that gets pleasure from giving you her homemade gifts, it's a power thing, dont think for one moment shes thinking of what youd actually like. There are alot of people like that. Does she ring later and ask you if you enjoyed them? She is making life awkward for you and you have your health to think about as she obviously doesn't care about that. The only way to handle this is to be assertive and kind but be prepared for her to feel sorry for herself and may go off you. I would advise you to tell her that you're on a strict diet at the moment and don't want her food to go to waste. If you do this for a few months, she'll get the message, but be prepared for her to give up coming round too.

I enjoy cooking and baking and as we have a very large garden, we often end up with too much of one thing or another, so I've often made things and given them to friends or neighbours. After reading this thread, I don't think I'll bother any more! I'd hate to think people were just binning anything I'd given them or been ungrateful for it.

I had a visitor who would bring me food she had made, I had seen her kitchen which was not clean and I never saw her wash her hands so binned the food after she left.

Those polite comments don't work with everyone. I tried that to no avail. My "friend" only stopped trying to feed me when her relationship broke down and she moved out of the area. She knew I needed to lose weight and had health problems, she just did not care because it was all about her.

In the end, not everyone IS your friend even if you think they are- because a proper friend wants the best for you and your health and a true friend would listen and make adjustments because they want the best for you. People who are not really your friend are usually out for themselves or using you to get a need met.

I read recently, we need to stop calling everyone "my friend" because some people are your neighbour, your colleague, your aquaintance.

Friends are defined by characteristics such as shared values and loyalty, listening and responding to your needs.

The feeder person would be better off cooking for a charity that would value them and give them the admiration and thanks they may crave, leaving the person who clearly does not want to be stuffed free to enjoy their life.

I would tell her that I had to go on an exclusion diet and explain to her what that entailed. Then if she continued to bring food just thank her and bin it. It depends upon how much you value the friendship.

"Oh thank you. What you cook is always so tempting, and I must stick strictly to my diet after today."

"Thank you. You have been very kind. A pity I need to start keeping to my diet from now on."

These persistent food presents sound to me as though they are satisfying some sort of need in your friend.
You have explained gently you don't eat sugary food etc so she brings you fruit, possibly acceptable, but curries?
Never mind the cultural implications; forcing food on an unwilling recipient repeatedly seems slightly sinister, as though she is attempting to improve your diet without accepting the reasons for your food intolerances.
You have to stop accepting these 'gifts' because they are causing you distress, and if she is a true friend she will accept your reasons.

Just thank her politely, perhaps try and eat the fruit if you like it and freeze what you can if you think it might be useful later for guests. Or you could invent a food intolerance or allergy! If it is disturbing you (and I certainly think it would irritate me to death,I’m not a particularly patient person these days!), then you’ll have to steal yourself to chuck it-unless there’s a member of your family who could eat it. It’s a choice between being economical with the truth or throwing it away. Being grateful is nice but your mental health is important too! Can’t this person take a hint!?

Yes but we've all seen the tv programme "My 600lb life". The people who live with those poor souls are Feeders. Some selfish people get pleasure out of stuffing someone else, even if it's not good for their health.

It's good to be generous, but not to cross over a line where it actually contributes to bad health.

I make chutneys jams and liquors for my friends. I simply suggest if they like it return jars bottles etc for refills. I don't push it if they would like more they receive it.
So you don't hurt your friends feelings insist that the food presents must stop as you are from now on eating a frugal simple diet for your health. Don't go into detail what you will and won't eat. You will have to be much more persistent than you have been.
If you keep it up she hopefully will get the message. You do have to be cruel to be kind sometimes but not rude. Your friend is kind and a feeder a nice nature to have along with her probably large fuel bills.

I think it was very much in my culture to accept something out of politeness too. My Grandma often said "If someone gives you something, say thankyou" but then I was in a situation with my health , Pre diabetic and other problems where I wanted my friend to support me in not eating sweet things around me. When it comes to your actual health I think anyone who cares for you will understand and realise you need a life change. Anyone who supports you will support your life change and not eat tempting stuff in front of you.

This "friend" did not support me. She deliberately carried on bringing cake and I ended up eating it, then hating myself because I'd ended up not looking after my body and I'd not even enjoyed the nasty cake. She was diabetic but she didn't care and continued to eat loads of sugary foods and then get really ill. That's why I realise now, she didn't respect her body, so she wasn't going to respect mine either. After she moved house it was easier without her. I am now not pre diabetic because I changed my life with my diet and in future I'd avoid anyone who doesn't respect my choice to live as healthy as possible.

I respect her choice to smoke and binge on sugary things, but if she was the one asking me not to tempt her, I genuinely wouldn't.

good excuse -I mean !