Managing grandparents expectations

It sounds as if the family dynamics are off, with a conspiracy of silence.
Only your husband can deal with that, really.

You can back him up, but he needs to break the silence, get his/ your cards on the table, and stick to the new rules that you set in placec.

I am not a confrontational person.

When we were finding our feet as parents in the beginning, and something crossed a line (e.g. the alcohol, being referred to badly my father in law etc) - I did not react. I would discuss with my husband always in private, and he would always lead on what we agreed we didn’t feel comfortable with.

So I guess in there shoes, they would spend time with our babies, without any boundaries - then my husband would talk to them after they went home, about perhaps not doing x y z next time.

I haven't set any boundaries on contact. My husband had no contact with his own paternal grandparents and they have always been referred to in a negative way, all because of the way they treated my mother in law. Their dynamic towards me is a bit alien - considering their own experiences.

My husband and children speak with them every week and they spend time together in person every 1-2 months. Because of my work arrangements, I am lucky that I don’t need childcare. So seeing family is really only for social visits (for all family members)… they have a different arrangement with their other DIL and son, who are their nearest family members and help with cover etc. Thy dynamics of our families, the relationship differences etc are completely different and I can’t help but feel that I can’t win here - because they don’t want to make an effort with me for anything more than what they have, but at the same time happy to complain about the differences.

Great post Babs.

Reading your comments re - father in law making obnoxious comments and smelling of alcohol whilst handling the baby, I imagine your remarks to them regarding this could be at the root of the problem.
You were right to set boundaries and to mention your concerns but how exactly was this done??
In the heat of the moment?
After serious consideration with your husband taking the lead?
We can’t choose our relatives and your in-laws despite their faults should be a part of your lives and certainly your GCs lives.
Some bridge building will be required but chief engineer should be your husband no matter how awkward he feels about this.

how great her other daughter in law is
I would agree with them. Say "yes she is marvellous".

As you are managing perfectly well on once every other month I think I'd say if they want more contact they should come to you.

I would stop trying to improve the relationship and just accept it's not great. They are unlikely to talk reasonably about the situation anyway. You can't change other people - only your response to them.
If they complain about not seeing the children just agree "yes, such a pity" don't try to reason or elaborate and leave the arrangements to your husband.

The first thing is perhaps to establish what those "exprctations" are.

We don't have expectations, we just like to see them as often as possible but realise that now, as they become teenagers, they have busy lives and don't need looking after or want to come for sleepovers. Sleepovers are with school friends.

I think that your husband needs to deal with this, why isn’t he trying to smooth things over for all of you?
I get that in-laws of the wife tend to feel they get short shrift with GCs, this is nothing new, and is only natural that you would feel closer to your own parents after the babies were born, maybe they are genuinely very hurt and upset because they do feel left out. Your husband should think up ways to include them more. If they live 2 hours away perhaps suggest they stay over one weekend and let them babysit whilst you and your husband go out, then make a regular thing of this.
But like I say, tell your husband to crack on with it, he knows them best and will know how to approach them on this.

Siope

I wonder if you could explain a little more, please? What expectations did/do they have, how did they explain those to you and your husband, and to what extent have they not been met?

It’s hard to suggest a course of action without understanding the situation a bit more.

Difficult to explain this one.

Some years ago when I first became pregnant, there was a huge shift. My mother in law became overwhelming on some fronts (reliving her own motherhood), and my father in law became very obnoxious (started passing degrading comments). When my first was born , we had them stay with us often. This led to placing boundaries on them drinking too much alcohol at one point (cause of some of the hurtful comments). I didn’t like that they were also kissing my baby whilst smelling of alcohol. After my husband had this conversation with them - they grew even more offensive/defensive around me and started to treat me like a non entity from this point on. A mismatch of their expectations and boundaries and finding someone to blame. It was clear that they took everything very personally - I think I became the villain daughter in law.

It was all very fresh then, very hurtful disregard towards me and I started getting panic attacks when they called. A lot of grief…

Quite a few years have passed now, but the relationship has never really recovered. I don’t get treated as badly as a “non entity” as I did a few years ago - no, now my mother in law remains distanced and passes occasional comments about how great her other daughter in law is on making sure that time is equal with both sets of grandparents.

It’s sad that I don’t have a better relationship with them, but the root cause is the way they reacted, their expectations and the narrative they have retained against me.

petra

Another OP with exactly the same format as all the others of this ilk.
It would be slightly more interesting if the Bot could be programmed with something new.

I am very much so a real person behind this screen. Aren’t you?

I would say that this is how I have been handling it. Remain pleasant and host visits.

My husband leads the way when it comes to the kids, not that I don’t want to - his parents don’t want to relate to me about them. They glaze over, and don’t respond or look away every time I attempt to.

Norah

Tuaim

I would do as I do with anyone I come in contact with to socialise: set a pattern that suits you and your children, send all necessary cards for celebrations of birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day etc. Send round robin photos of pets, children, or what you want to MIL, DH, FIL, etc. If they visit graciously offer refreshments/simple meal/ tea/cake and set times with children's bed time/tea/ etc, keep the conversation very general about say sports day, what children are doing etc. Like that you are doing the right thing and keep everything above board.

No. Her husband could do for his parents (cards, food, etc).

OP shouldn't have to interface - his parents, his problems.

But he isn't doing it. At least by making the effort the OP is keeping the status quo and won't feel like the villain DIL. If she asks husband to do it, it may cause more friction adding to the OP's already busy family life. By keeping the status quo she is at least introducing a 'take it or leave it' situation and saying my family, my way., introducing her own family rules.

Another OP with exactly the same format as all the others of this ilk.
It would be slightly more interesting if the Bot could be programmed with something new.

I wonder if you could explain a little more, please? What expectations did/do they have, how did they explain those to you and your husband, and to what extent have they not been met?

It’s hard to suggest a course of action without understanding the situation a bit more.

Tuaim

I would do as I do with anyone I come in contact with to socialise: set a pattern that suits you and your children, send all necessary cards for celebrations of birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day etc. Send round robin photos of pets, children, or what you want to MIL, DH, FIL, etc. If they visit graciously offer refreshments/simple meal/ tea/cake and set times with children's bed time/tea/ etc, keep the conversation very general about say sports day, what children are doing etc. Like that you are doing the right thing and keep everything above board.

No. Her husband could do for his parents (cards, food, etc).

OP shouldn't have to interface - his parents, his problems.

I would do as I do with anyone I come in contact with to socialise: set a pattern that suits you and your children, send all necessary cards for celebrations of birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day etc. Send round robin photos of pets, children, or what you want to MIL, DH, FIL, etc. If they visit graciously offer refreshments/simple meal/ tea/cake and set times with children's bed time/tea/ etc, keep the conversation very general about say sports day, what children are doing etc. Like that you are doing the right thing and keep everything above board.

This is a husband problem, they are his parents. Don't engage.

Ignore her digs, smile, nod, and refuse to be involved.

Perhaps husband goes alone, let him make all efforts with his family.

His stance has always been that addressing the issues won’t change anything, which is why he hasn’t approached them about it.

Follow his lead.
Follow her lead, she's withdrawn, you do too

Your husband is failing you.

He is now in charge of managing the relationship with his parents: when to visit, defending you when they get unfair with you, setting up boundaries with them, sending them pictures, etc

You have done more enough

My husband has been quite defensive and tight-lipped about our situation with his parents. While he understands my feelings, he struggles to discuss sensitive topics with them, and they don’t tend to open up to him either. We’ve tried couple therapy to improve our communication, as he’s not naturally supportive on an emotional level. His family holds somewhat traditional views about expressing feelings as well..

His stance has always been that addressing the issues won’t change anything, which is why he hasn’t approached them about it.

I’ve attempted to discuss the tensions myself, but his parents deflected my questions of asking if there was a problem by mentioning a time when we had a good relationship and communicated regularly - from several years ago. Very defective and unresponsive unfortunately. I haven’t attempted to talk about it again, as I agree with my husband, that it won’t change anything.

Despite all of this, I haven’t placed any boundaries on my children with them - my husband video calls with them every week, the kids respond to them, and they spend time together during in person visits. Will they start to pick up on their weirdness towards me? Most probably, but at this time they are too young to understand or even ask (eldest is 5).

I agree that expectations should be discussed. We are stretched thin with time around my husband’s availability, our family time on very occasional weekends - so I really don’t know what more we could suggest than what we are already doing…

I agree with others that you should talk to your husband and see how he feels about the situation. His first loyalty is to you and he should make this clear to his parents. You seem to be trying your best to resolve this situation but if nothing improves after your husband has spoken to his parents perhaps you need to see even less of them. I hope it doesn’t come to that.

Hello SpriteStar. You say that you believe the tensions in your relationship with your parents in law are due to their expectations as GP's not being met.

You and your husband need to discuss this with his parents. Find out if there are issues regarding their expectations, what those expectations are and if they can realistically be met. As is often the case in these situations, communication is key.

‘our drive has over a thousand photos of the kids since birth’ when I first read it I thought you’ve got photos of your children all over the ‘driveway’, sorry, I’m not being facetious.
I’m mother-in-law to two lovely girls, who try to involve me in most things. I am older than their younger and fitter Mums, so ofcourse, their Mums see more of the grandchildren than I do. They treat them to days out etc - besides being older, I’m also on my own (divorced). I don’t feel hard done by at all. I’m just glad my grandchildren have so much love around them …

Could you be misreading the situation?

What is your husbands thoughts about all of this. Maybe he should have words with them to try and clear the air. If it doesn’t work go low/no contact.

It’s your family, your life don’t let them spoil it.

I think you’ve done all you can. Stand back, don’t ever criticise them in front of your children, speak to your husband and if the “digs” continue, smile at them and ask them “why do think..” or “We don’t see it that way, I’m sorry you do” or any other very casual remark, accompanied by a smile! Good luck