Managing grandparents expectations

What does your husband say about all of this?
He should be your strongest ally.

exactly.
i think i might go low contact in this situation.
how do your children relate to them?

The MIL is the adult in the relationship and should act accordingly. Remain polite and talk to your husband…that is the most important aspect of this….my MIL is unpleasant has always been so and nothing I can do will change that. Do not be rude about her in front of your children! They have a right to their own relationship…difficult but also very important. Stay true to who you are….the fact that you care says a lot about you….hopefully someone else can give you more help.

I think you’ve done all you can. Stand back, don’t ever criticise them in front of your children, speak to your husband and if the “digs” continue, smile at them and ask them “why do think..” or “We don’t see it that way, I’m sorry you do” or any other very casual remark, accompanied by a smile! Good luck

What is your husbands thoughts about all of this. Maybe he should have words with them to try and clear the air. If it doesn’t work go low/no contact.

It’s your family, your life don’t let them spoil it.

Could you be misreading the situation?

‘our drive has over a thousand photos of the kids since birth’ when I first read it I thought you’ve got photos of your children all over the ‘driveway’, sorry, I’m not being facetious.
I’m mother-in-law to two lovely girls, who try to involve me in most things. I am older than their younger and fitter Mums, so ofcourse, their Mums see more of the grandchildren than I do. They treat them to days out etc - besides being older, I’m also on my own (divorced). I don’t feel hard done by at all. I’m just glad my grandchildren have so much love around them …

Hello SpriteStar. You say that you believe the tensions in your relationship with your parents in law are due to their expectations as GP's not being met.

You and your husband need to discuss this with his parents. Find out if there are issues regarding their expectations, what those expectations are and if they can realistically be met. As is often the case in these situations, communication is key.

I agree with others that you should talk to your husband and see how he feels about the situation. His first loyalty is to you and he should make this clear to his parents. You seem to be trying your best to resolve this situation but if nothing improves after your husband has spoken to his parents perhaps you need to see even less of them. I hope it doesn’t come to that.

My husband has been quite defensive and tight-lipped about our situation with his parents. While he understands my feelings, he struggles to discuss sensitive topics with them, and they don’t tend to open up to him either. We’ve tried couple therapy to improve our communication, as he’s not naturally supportive on an emotional level. His family holds somewhat traditional views about expressing feelings as well..

His stance has always been that addressing the issues won’t change anything, which is why he hasn’t approached them about it.

I’ve attempted to discuss the tensions myself, but his parents deflected my questions of asking if there was a problem by mentioning a time when we had a good relationship and communicated regularly - from several years ago. Very defective and unresponsive unfortunately. I haven’t attempted to talk about it again, as I agree with my husband, that it won’t change anything.

Despite all of this, I haven’t placed any boundaries on my children with them - my husband video calls with them every week, the kids respond to them, and they spend time together during in person visits. Will they start to pick up on their weirdness towards me? Most probably, but at this time they are too young to understand or even ask (eldest is 5).

I agree that expectations should be discussed. We are stretched thin with time around my husband’s availability, our family time on very occasional weekends - so I really don’t know what more we could suggest than what we are already doing…

Your husband is failing you.

He is now in charge of managing the relationship with his parents: when to visit, defending you when they get unfair with you, setting up boundaries with them, sending them pictures, etc

You have done more enough

His stance has always been that addressing the issues won’t change anything, which is why he hasn’t approached them about it.

Follow his lead.
Follow her lead, she's withdrawn, you do too

This is a husband problem, they are his parents. Don't engage.

Ignore her digs, smile, nod, and refuse to be involved.

Perhaps husband goes alone, let him make all efforts with his family.

I would do as I do with anyone I come in contact with to socialise: set a pattern that suits you and your children, send all necessary cards for celebrations of birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day etc. Send round robin photos of pets, children, or what you want to MIL, DH, FIL, etc. If they visit graciously offer refreshments/simple meal/ tea/cake and set times with children's bed time/tea/ etc, keep the conversation very general about say sports day, what children are doing etc. Like that you are doing the right thing and keep everything above board.

Tuaim

I would do as I do with anyone I come in contact with to socialise: set a pattern that suits you and your children, send all necessary cards for celebrations of birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day etc. Send round robin photos of pets, children, or what you want to MIL, DH, FIL, etc. If they visit graciously offer refreshments/simple meal/ tea/cake and set times with children's bed time/tea/ etc, keep the conversation very general about say sports day, what children are doing etc. Like that you are doing the right thing and keep everything above board.

No. Her husband could do for his parents (cards, food, etc).

OP shouldn't have to interface - his parents, his problems.

I wonder if you could explain a little more, please? What expectations did/do they have, how did they explain those to you and your husband, and to what extent have they not been met?

It’s hard to suggest a course of action without understanding the situation a bit more.

Another OP with exactly the same format as all the others of this ilk.
It would be slightly more interesting if the Bot could be programmed with something new.

Norah

Tuaim

I would do as I do with anyone I come in contact with to socialise: set a pattern that suits you and your children, send all necessary cards for celebrations of birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day etc. Send round robin photos of pets, children, or what you want to MIL, DH, FIL, etc. If they visit graciously offer refreshments/simple meal/ tea/cake and set times with children's bed time/tea/ etc, keep the conversation very general about say sports day, what children are doing etc. Like that you are doing the right thing and keep everything above board.

No. Her husband could do for his parents (cards, food, etc).

OP shouldn't have to interface - his parents, his problems.

But he isn't doing it. At least by making the effort the OP is keeping the status quo and won't feel like the villain DIL. If she asks husband to do it, it may cause more friction adding to the OP's already busy family life. By keeping the status quo she is at least introducing a 'take it or leave it' situation and saying my family, my way., introducing her own family rules.

I would say that this is how I have been handling it. Remain pleasant and host visits.

My husband leads the way when it comes to the kids, not that I don’t want to - his parents don’t want to relate to me about them. They glaze over, and don’t respond or look away every time I attempt to.

petra

Another OP with exactly the same format as all the others of this ilk.
It would be slightly more interesting if the Bot could be programmed with something new.

I am very much so a real person behind this screen. Aren’t you?

Siope

I wonder if you could explain a little more, please? What expectations did/do they have, how did they explain those to you and your husband, and to what extent have they not been met?

It’s hard to suggest a course of action without understanding the situation a bit more.

Difficult to explain this one.

Some years ago when I first became pregnant, there was a huge shift. My mother in law became overwhelming on some fronts (reliving her own motherhood), and my father in law became very obnoxious (started passing degrading comments). When my first was born , we had them stay with us often. This led to placing boundaries on them drinking too much alcohol at one point (cause of some of the hurtful comments). I didn’t like that they were also kissing my baby whilst smelling of alcohol. After my husband had this conversation with them - they grew even more offensive/defensive around me and started to treat me like a non entity from this point on. A mismatch of their expectations and boundaries and finding someone to blame. It was clear that they took everything very personally - I think I became the villain daughter in law.

It was all very fresh then, very hurtful disregard towards me and I started getting panic attacks when they called. A lot of grief…

Quite a few years have passed now, but the relationship has never really recovered. I don’t get treated as badly as a “non entity” as I did a few years ago - no, now my mother in law remains distanced and passes occasional comments about how great her other daughter in law is on making sure that time is equal with both sets of grandparents.

It’s sad that I don’t have a better relationship with them, but the root cause is the way they reacted, their expectations and the narrative they have retained against me.

I think that your husband needs to deal with this, why isn’t he trying to smooth things over for all of you?
I get that in-laws of the wife tend to feel they get short shrift with GCs, this is nothing new, and is only natural that you would feel closer to your own parents after the babies were born, maybe they are genuinely very hurt and upset because they do feel left out. Your husband should think up ways to include them more. If they live 2 hours away perhaps suggest they stay over one weekend and let them babysit whilst you and your husband go out, then make a regular thing of this.
But like I say, tell your husband to crack on with it, he knows them best and will know how to approach them on this.

The first thing is perhaps to establish what those "exprctations" are.

We don't have expectations, we just like to see them as often as possible but realise that now, as they become teenagers, they have busy lives and don't need looking after or want to come for sleepovers. Sleepovers are with school friends.

how great her other daughter in law is
I would agree with them. Say "yes she is marvellous".

As you are managing perfectly well on once every other month I think I'd say if they want more contact they should come to you.

I would stop trying to improve the relationship and just accept it's not great. They are unlikely to talk reasonably about the situation anyway. You can't change other people - only your response to them.
If they complain about not seeing the children just agree "yes, such a pity" don't try to reason or elaborate and leave the arrangements to your husband.