Family bully/ what to do.

I would have a transcript made of these messages, send a copy to the local police, as it is a criminal offence to harrass anyone with threatening or abusive messages, and get a solicitor to write a very sharp letter to the author of these messages, requesting him or her to desist from this kind of contact with you in future, or rather I would state from all and any contact with me in the future.

Whether the sender is mentally ill (convenient excuse) or not, you should not put up with this sort of thing, as it obviously worries you.

Smileless2012

You don't gave to read this thread Crossstichfan. If you find what you consider to be the OP's moaning and poo poo(ing) of advice given irksome, there are plenty of other threads for you to read.

No not a hanging offence Elegran just unpleasant and unnecessary.

Sorry if I gave the wrong impression. I don’t find her moaning irksome in itself, I just wish she would accept and act on some of the advice so kindly given. Otherwise, why ask for it?

For me it is very simple

I would immediately get myself into counselling to understand the dynamics of the relationship and talk through the experience.

I would think back to this person's past experiences, Mental health issues likely stem from ACEs which are Adverse Childhood experience or trauma that happened as an adult. ACEs are more common.

I would then offer some sort of joint counselling to find out if this is a situation you could work through and repair together.

You don't share any of the content of the messages so it is hard to know whether what you are recieving is true abuse or anger, frustration or accusations. Is part of the reason you don't want to share with family because of information contained about yourself?

If offering joint counselling or other support fails, I would not respond to negative messages unless those messages are accusations about your behaviour in the relationship, in which case, I would want to self reflect on that because none of us are perfect. I would want to apologise and change those behaviours while remembering mistakes can never be undone

It's always important for me to be the better person and do what I can to resolve issues

Block them. End of.

You don't gave to read this thread Crossstichfan. If you find what you consider to be the OP's moaning and poo poo(ing) of advice given irksome, there are plenty of other threads for you to read.

No not a hanging offence Elegran just unpleasant and unnecessary.

Reading this, I despair for the OP. It must be so difficult, especially if it is your own child. If mental health issues are involved that is even worse.
I can only suggest you get in touch with MIND or other charities who deal with MH. They will listen to you and best advise how to deal with this dilemma. That alone may give you the confidence to deal with this very difficult situation.
I hope you do seek advice and find peace of mind. You don't deserve the mental cruelty you are going through.

This is going to wear you down. They are actually breaking the Telecommunications act by sending abusive messages. Speak to a lawyer.

Did you at one point have a good relationship? What brought this abuse on ? How close is this family member ? I certainly wouldn’t involve police, lawyers and the like. Maybe you could have a chat with a mutual friend/family member, who can mediate. Please don’t avoid family celebrations etc. You will be cutting your nose to spite your face. These kind of situations are awful for your well-being. A few years ago, I went through something similar, with a close family member…..one or two very hurtful texts. But I refused to let it cause ripples in the family. I didn’t fan the flames and it gradually died down. Although, the thought of it, still hurts.
Good luck and I hope you find a way to resolve this …

fancythat

Do you "care" for them, as in say a son?
Or is it say a cousin, and they are not your primary responsibility?

No they are not my responsibility.

Well the police can't do anything. They were threatened by the person and backed down because of the MH issue. They know they can't press charges so they don't want to know.

And to even entertain the possibility is clearly a hanging offence!!!

I agree with Elegran. You are ridiculously reluctant to cut this person off and you make excuses at every turn rather than do it! People are giving you lots of helpful advice but you poo-poo it all. I am sorry if this comes across as unsympathetic but if you are not prepared to deal with this situation, then you will just have to put up with it. It’s no good asking for advice if you dismiss it all, especially not when that advice is sensible and often from experienced posters. To put it in a nutshell, sort it, and if that is definitely not possible, please stop moaning about it!

To ask a question is to expect answers but not to expect to be accused of fabricating a situation to play the martyr for sympathy Elegran.

I think this is a terrible situation to be in and you definitely have my sympathy.

I've no idea what I'd do in your position but I'd probably respond to the next nasty message with something that says whilst you love them (I assume you do?) you cannot face these negative messages anymore.
I'd say you will be forced to block them if they continue and really hope they don't as when you have pleasant chats with them you really value them.

I don't think they will ever change , given that, this is (another) case of you having to change your reaction to them.

Whatever people might think, no I havent talked about this unique situation on GN before and no one on earth knows everything except DH , who is at a loss as well.

We have discussed getting a counsellor to help us navigate things.

Thankyou to those who have replied kindly and thoughtfully.

The logical view often appears harsh. That doesn't mean that it is intended to be, but people who are not part of the situation and have no emotional involvement can often see it more clearly than those in the middle of it. The Topic title above this thread is "Ask a Gran". To ask a question is to expect answers.

If the person has MH issues, I dont think I would expect much change in behaviour until they are sorted.

I think any hint of niceness is accompanied by them trying to get me to do something I'm not comfortable with or unable to do, then the abuse comes.

This part says a lot in my opinion.

Post references deleted post Talk guidelines.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

When it comes from your own child it's devastating isn't it Poppyred and blocking contact goes against every natural instinct, but sometimes it's the only way.

Doing so temporarily might get the message through.

Smileless2012

I don't see the need for such unnecessary harshness Elegran. An unhelpful and probably upsetting response for someone seeking advice for a particularly upsetting family situation.

I second that.
Totally uncalled for.

I feel that this must be a son or daughter OOopsidia: otherwise you would have done something about it by now. No one can hurt you as much as your own children can they?

Sounds like emotional blackmail…..I don’t have an answer. I nearly cut contact with my eldest daughter many years back because of her behaviour but couldn’t do it. Thankfully things have much improved by now.

Sorry I can’t advise you, hopefully someone can.

Maybe the search facility isn't working Elegran, the OP's posted on the estrangement forum. What are you implying?

I don't see the need for such unnecessary harshness Elegran. An unhelpful and probably upsetting response for someone seeking advice for a particularly upsetting family situation.

Have you posted anything on any other GN threads or topics, 00opsidia ? The Gransnet search box doesn't show any other posts from you.

Wow super judgemental message from Elegran well think what you want. I wish I was the sort of person who posts things for sympathy. Actually there is much I can't say and I won't out myself on the internet to make you feel better. Of course I know the truth but you can whistle for it because I have a right to anonymity.

My other family members cant deal with it and we don't want to involve police. I don't know whether to send a message blocking said person or just not respond.