Family bully/ what to do.

I see you are answering posts which gives more details than the original post so I am getting behind with the replies.

If no other family member can help, then I cannot see the point of having a family who will not support you. Just stop answering the phone, block their number aned keep away. Regarding family get togethers, if this abusive person turns up then walk away, it seems to me you have no support at all.

Apologies, I see it is a family member. Send your other family members copies of the texts and let them deal with it.

00opsidia

What would you do if you had months worth of abusive messages from someone in your family, just on your phone?- (There are extensive texts and some are voice messages full of hate)

You could ask why I haven't cut them off , but sometimes they are nice to talk to and it gives me hope, but then it reverts to abusive. I wouldnt let anyone else talk to me like this, so I shouldn't allow it to continue. I shouldn't keep getting hopeful that we are making progress and then allow the hope of that to put me in a situation where I am abused again. I think any hint of niceness is accompanied by them trying to get me to do something I'm not comfortable with or unable to do, then the abuse comes.

I have a few options. I could ignore all family birthdays and Christmas's for the foreseeable and live life as if they don't exist.... or I could get some kind of legal action against them sending me these messages to make sure they never trouble me again (but that seems so final and leaves no room for change)

What would you do?

Is the person sending you these messages a member of your family?. If yes, and you get along with other family members, then I would send them a copy of the text messages and let them see for themselves what is happening.

If not a family member, I would report them to the police, this is harrassment and I have no idea why you are putting up with it. I would just block their number and have done with it.

00opsidia

What would you do if you had months worth of abusive messages from someone in your family, just on your phone?- (There are extensive texts and some are voice messages full of hate)

You could ask why I haven't cut them off , but sometimes they are nice to talk to and it gives me hope, but then it reverts to abusive. I wouldnt let anyone else talk to me like this, so I shouldn't allow it to continue. I shouldn't keep getting hopeful that we are making progress and then allow the hope of that to put me in a situation where I am abused again. I think any hint of niceness is accompanied by them trying to get me to do something I'm not comfortable with or unable to do, then the abuse comes.

I have a few options. I could ignore all family birthdays and Christmas's for the foreseeable and live life as if they don't exist.... or I could get some kind of legal action against them sending me these messages to make sure they never trouble me again (but that seems so final and leaves no room for change)

What would you do?

This kind of abuse is horrible, the abuser keeps you on the hook by occasionally being nice when they want something from you, then they continue with the abuse.
Is a cycle.
Getting out isn’t as easy as some might feel. After years of abuse by a close family member you would assume the abused would just call time on this relationship. Yet many continue to take it, perhaps because of a difficult and delicate family dynamic, perhaps because the abused has been so diminished by the abuse that they haven’t the strength to fight it, or they keep hoping things will change.
00opsidia, you need to cut relations with your abuser and any family members who take this person’s side, for your own well-being. Hard as hell but what is the alternative?
Sending hugs xxx

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

If I am understanding correctly, you say the person has MH issues, but has not be formally told that, or at least it is not possible knowledge.
Which could mean you have got that wrong?

Unless you are willing to change something about your own behaviour towards the person who is sending you messages, what more is there to be said or done?

A bit like, and I cant quite remember the phrase, but it ends with "and you get the same result".

Wyllow3

If there is no trusted family member to confide in I'd seek professional help as to best ways forward. All the very best: I'm not sure of how/from whom, maybe others have an idea.

Just this.

You keep coming out with reasons why you can't share this problem with anyone else in the family. Why is this?

If you really do think you are the only one they are abusing, then why do you think that is?

You say you have never deleted any of their messages, so why can't you select some which don't contain anything that breaks anyone else's secrecy, and share those with family members, asking whether this person is as nasty to them?

You say that you think some of the messages would be of interest legally, but you won't involve the police. Why not?

What help are you looking for from this site, when you won't try to get help from people who know the abuser and know you, or who are professionals in dealing with abusive bullying?

No they wouldn't like a stronger me. They are misogynistic.

Oh there are trusted members of the family to confide in, but none will tackle this one for sensible reasons.

If there is no trusted family member to confide in I'd seek professional help as to best ways forward. All the very best: I'm not sure of how/from whom, maybe others have an idea.

They visited you in hospital and were nice, possibly because their supply, ie you, was at risk. You owe them nothing. If they've been abusive for years, they might not accept a stronger you, which is why I asked if they would just turn up. Leave a final message so they are in no doubt. "I will no longer put up with your abuse. Do not contact me again." And then block and delete

So it seems if you ignore them it means you cut off from all family?
Maybe you need to confide in a trusted family member it maybe that you are not the only one suffering in this way.
Some people can be very manipulative.

I don't think they would come here. Yes they are abusive and it's gone on for years. It's really affected my health. I was hospitalised, seriously ill , then they visited me in hospital and were nice for a while...and then it all started up again.

You have to block them and delete their number. Is there any chance they would turn up at your door? I don't think it matters what your relationship is with them, nor if they have mental health issues. They are being abusive and you are within your rights to cut them off. You say sometimes they are nice. Probably when they sense you are close to cutting them off. Abusers aren't abusive all the time because people wouldn't start a relationship with them. Look after yourself.

Cossy

Does this family member have any known or diagnosed mental health issues?

As I said above, not that they have told me about.

I know they have engaged with MH services, but they deny having MH problems.

Cabbie21

I wonder if you can bite the bullet and ask other family members to get involved eg
To support you?
To speak to the abuser?
To admit they have received similar abuse?
You may not be the only one targeted.

No one will.

No one can.

I wonder if you can bite the bullet and ask other family members to get involved eg
To support you?
To speak to the abuser?
To admit they have received similar abuse?
You may not be the only one targeted.

Does this family member have any known or diagnosed mental health issues?

Smileless2012

It's difficult to know what to advise without knowing your relationship to this family member because depending on the closeness, taking action may not be something you feel you can do.

I wouldn't tolerate it regardless of who it is. It's abuse and abuse should never be tolerated from anyone. You are being manipulated into accepting the abuse with the 'promise'/hints of niceness, that things may change.

Why is it necessary to ignore all family birthdays and Christmas's for the foreseeable future? Is it not possible to distance yourself from just this particular family member?

I would refuse to engage with this person, not talk to them and block any way they may have of messaging me. I would tell them what I'm going to do and if they find any other means of harassing me, I'll take the evidence I have to pursue legal action.

I hope you can find a resolution you can be comfortable with .

I wouldn't be able to take action without opening up other problems for them due to the other content of their messages.

Thanks Smileless

fancythat

^The messages they sent are very incriminating to them in so many ways.^

Is it really a matter for the Police?

I wouldn't like to go to the police and even if I did I don't think it would help.

They have told me things they ought not to have done, so it probably is but I can't talk about it pubically. It could all be in their head.

fancythat

00opsidia

MissAdventure

I'd block them, as hard as that may be.
The fact that you have months worth of abusive texts shows that nothing will change.
Does the person have mental health issues?
That would sway me to perhaps persevere.

Yes they have had MH issues. But they deny it exists. Apparently I am all that is evil .

Has the person been given a formal diagnosis. So well knows they have it?

Or is it a case of everyone guessing?

If they have, they have not shared it so "it's everyone else's fault but mine" syndrome as far as I know...

It depends what the MH issue is. Some issues do cause the person to become abusive. If the person is refusing to acknowledge there is an issue there's not much you can do.
You shouldn't put up with abuse and tell them that you will delete abusive texts and not listen to calls until they can be reasonable.
If this person is close to you urge them to get help with what seem to clearly be MH problems.

The messages they sent are very incriminating to them in so many ways.

Is it really a matter for the Police?

I would be curious to know if they were targeting another member of the family too. Can you identify anyone who might be?
Can you consider a family meeting and calling the bully out there and then by showing others the vile messages and letting them listen to the voice messages? This might sound extreme but it does sounds like the bully is in need of professional help; their continued behaviour towards you will only wear you down.

Do you "care" for them, as in say a son?
Or is it say a cousin, and they are not your primary responsibility?