Son's partner being unhospitable.

First this isn’t just your dil. Where’s your son? Surely he’s also not being accommodating. Your invitations are his to manage not his wife. You’re his parents.

Second - for whatever reason they’d like to eat in a pub. What’s the problem. They say they’re having work done on their home seems logical to me.

Finally your youngest son - was he invited up or did you invite him up so as he could drive you? Did you ask your son or dil if it’s okay if brother comes as he drives you around these days ? Do they know this about the driving situation ? It seems presumptuous to assume he was invited to start.

Smileless2012

If my other son were to be excluded I would politely decline the invitation.

What a mass overreaction. This isn’t a minor child it’s an uninvited adult - should the decline any social invite adult son isn’t included on? 😆

This all sounds rather daft to me. I can understand some people not wanting visitors to their new house until it's all done. We're in the process of buying a new house, and I already know that I prefer not to have people coming to see it until I have it just right with nice furnishings, etc. I won't be 'inviting' people to come over for dinner, but I certainly wouldn't stop my in-laws, or brother in-law from popping in to see it. Let's face it, we all like to see people's new homes, and to have to wait for more than a year to see your son's and DiL's new home seems a bit extreme.

I do feel that your DiL's reaction is a little petty, to ban her husband's brother from popping in to see the house, when he's offered to take you there to see it! If I were you, I'd definitely be speaking to my older son see ask what on earth the problem is. I wouldn't cause an argument, and I'd accept whatever reason he gives but, frankly, whatever the reason, he's more than likely to feel embarrassed about it, as it really does seem so trivial.

Either accept that you will have to drive yourselves, even though you don't enjoy driving. It depends how desperate you are to see the house. Or, simply accept what he says, and agree to visit once they've done all the work and settled in properly

I would go to the pub with your two sons and dil, and then I would go home, I would not bother going to see the house and I would not expect my younger son to sit in the pub or wait outside while I went in.
I can't imagine any of my family doing this.

Come to think of it, we have never had a meal at son and DiL’s house, only a sandwich. We go and eat at the pub. Think nothing of it.
I hope the OP will come back and tell us more.

This is simply sheer bad manners on the part of your son and his partner; he must agree with what she is saying. Nothing wrong with eating at a pub but for your son to refuse to allow his brother to enter his house is nasty.
Have you seen them at all since they moved into this house? Are you unable or unwilling to drive? It does sound as if they are reluctant for you to visit and you have expanded the invitation to include your son, which has annoyed the partner.
You know your family dynamics better than we do; up to you whether you persist with this uncomfortable visit or not.
Doesn't bode well for the future.

If they moved over a year ago then they have had plenty of time to get the house into some semblance of order. When we bought our house before we got married our parents and my sister were the first to see it and the first people to get invites after we were married.

Just tell your eldest son and his partner that if his brother isn't invited then sorry you are unable to come as you don't want to drive all that way. Just be straightforward with them, no criticising, just leave it in the hands of your eldest son.

Time will tell how things will work out. Just carry on with your lives and see what happens.

In the OP's position I would want to know if my eldest DS knew what was going on.

Obviously we don’t know how old you are but as your eldest DS is buying his first house you can’t be that old, so surely an hour’s drive is not beyond you, you say ‘only’ an hour yourself
Few people really enjoy driving now.
Go and enjoy the meal and say all the proper things about their home or you may never be invited.

Not a mass overreaction at all Grams2five. As eazybee has posted it's simply sheer bad manners to exclude the OP's younger son. Situations like this can cause family division and are best dealt with as soon as they arise.

Just meet at the pub and have a happy relaxed time. All sounds very odd to me you seem to have a very strained relationship with your son and his wife, I'd focus on trying to repair that first. Good luck and why not drive yourself as it doesn't sound as if your younger son is invited.

It sounds as if there could be a back story between your sons or your younger son and his wife which they have kept from you. It does seem rather odd.

If you really want to go then an hour's drive is not that far. If you dislike motorways can you avoid them and go via country roads?

Perhaps your DIL is a perfectionist and wants the house to be like a show home before you see it.

rafichagran

I would go to the pub with your two sons and dil, and then I would go home, I would not bother going to see the house and I would not expect my younger son to sit in the pub or wait outside while I went in.
I can't imagine any of my family doing this.

I agree with this.
Say to your DIL ‘ no that’s ok we won’t visit the house this time, we’ll wait until it’s all ready for visiting, see you at the pub’.

My 2 eldest grandsons both have girlfriends that are very “standoffish” and make up excuses not to come to family get togethers. It seems to be the trend that todays young women try to isolate their men from family, my wife’s DILs, one is no contact the other is guarded, others report doing the same.

Are you intending to respond to these comments CazB? It would be interesting to know whether you decide to go.

I wonder if CazB is real?

Thank you for all your comments, which have given me lots of food for thought. First of all,the sons get on well.We have always had a good relationship with my son and his partner, he is nearly 50 by the way, has been divorced and my DH and I are in our 70's and 80's. We could perfectly well drive ourselves there, but our younger son kindly offered to drive us, never for one moment thinking he would be excluded. I am in no way critical, quite the reverse,and don't expect a red carpet to be laid out for us, am just interested to see where they live.Of course we are more than happy to eat in a pub. I spoke to my older son to ask him what was behind this, and the reply I got was was, "the house is her project, and I support her in what she
.wants to do!" So ridiculous really.We thought of sending son son a message saying we won't be coming this time, but will wait until the embargo is lifted. I feel they are being very rude, but maybe we should just grit our teeth and go, nothing resolved as yet. First world problems!!

It does sound ridiculous Caz, the house being your son's partner's project surely is neither here nor there in relation to his brother appearing not to be welcome.

Could there be more to this that you know nothing about? Does your son know he doesn't appear to be welcome and if so has he made any comment?

Grams2five

Smileless2012

If my other son were to be excluded I would politely decline the invitation.

What a mass overreaction. This isn’t a minor child it’s an uninvited adult - should the decline any social invite adult son isn’t included on? 😆

He's driving them there.. do you expect him to sit outside.. It's just a house for heavens sake.. but this is how family rifts start..

this is how family rifts start exactly pascal which is why IMO it needs addressing before it escalates.

Smileless2012

Not a mass overreaction at all Grams2five. As eazybee has posted it's simply sheer bad manners to exclude the OP's younger son. Situations like this can cause family division and are best dealt with as soon as they arise.

Yes and by refusing to go if she can’t invite younger son along she would be the one causing the division.

CazB What is ridiculous?

Are people not allowed to decide when their home is ready to be invaded by those living outside their walls? Perhaps the invader is rude?

I would expect they drive themselves. Which is why I asked if he drives them all the time, or they simply don’t “enjoy driving “. Op doesn’t say they can’t drive that they don’t enjoy it so they asked younger son to drive them. In short so they invited someone else to someone’s home, which is actually quite rude no matter who it is.

If they can’t drive themselves than they need to be upfront and say they re no longer driving themselves and had hoped to hav e younger son drive them or if as I suspect frm the wording they simply don’t “enjoy” driving they should recognize it was presumptuous to invite someone else along and suck it up and drive themselves

If you hadn't of dropped 'hints' you wouldn't of been invited so I'm guessing they felt pressured and invited you.

Then originally it was just 2 of you, then you invited your son without checking it was ok with them and you expected her, not your son, to cook and host for all 5 of you.

Do they work? Are they renovating? Is she not a hosting type? Is the house a mess?

There seems like there's more to this especially because of your son's reply.

Op

This visit needs to be cancelled and you need to talk to your oldest son

He is being a coward hiding behind his wife

Their house is theirs - to invite whoever they want

The fact that hints were dropped for you to be invited is not a good thing

Your oldest son can cook for you, can't he?

There is a problem between both sons - they need to address that first.