Son's partner being unhospitable.

CazB, having re-read your original post, and subsequent posts, I can only conclude that your DiL perhaps has a massive renovation project on her hands ...? I'm thinking plastering, flooring, knocking down walls, ripping out kitchen/bathrooms, etc. That being the case, I can fully understand them not being in a position to want visitors. However, that being said, it's one thing to invite visitors to your home for a social occasion, but it's an entirely different thing just to have your parents/in-laws pop over to see your new home, particularly after a year!

Many people doing full renovations actually like people to see the 'before' and 'after' ... but I guess your DiL has different ideas, and she's fully entitled to that. I am assuming that you are aware of the extent of the work being carried out on the house, whether it's simply decorating or a full renovation ... ? I know that if my DS or DD were undertaking a massive renovation project on a new home, we'd be the first to know about it! And the fact that I think you said you had a good relationship with your DS & DiL, and got on well with her previously, it would seem strange if you weren't aware of the extent of the work they are undertaking on their new home.

It's really not worth having a falling out over, or spoiling the previously good relationship that you say you already had. Just be gracious about it, and speak with your DiL to say you totally understand why she'd prefer for the house project to be finished before anyone else sees it. You can either tell her that you're happy to wait until they are ready to show it to you, or you make the choice of driving over yourselves, and telling her what a great job she's doing with the project. Tell her that you look forward to seeing it again when it's all completed, and you think it's going to look amazing! Then go and have nice meal at the pub, and if you show lots of interest, she may be happy to discuss her project with you.

Don't let this spoil an otherwise good relationship ... and take her some flowers.

I've just picked up on that your son called it a 'project' a project it something you work on, my guess is it's renovation, they may not even have a functioning kitchen or maybe even floorboards or walls to host you, hence the pub suggestion.

CazB

Thank you for all your comments, which have given me lots of food for thought. First of all,the sons get on well.We have always had a good relationship with my son and his partner, he is nearly 50 by the way, has been divorced and my DH and I are in our 70's and 80's. We could perfectly well drive ourselves there, but our younger son kindly offered to drive us, never for one moment thinking he would be excluded. I am in no way critical, quite the reverse,and don't expect a red carpet to be laid out for us, am just interested to see where they live.Of course we are more than happy to eat in a pub. I spoke to my older son to ask him what was behind this, and the reply I got was was, "the house is her project, and I support her in what she
.wants to do!" So ridiculous really.We thought of sending son son a message saying we won't be coming this time, but will wait until the embargo is lifted. I feel they are being very rude, but maybe we should just grit our teeth and go, nothing resolved as yet. First world problems!!

It appears to me that you were only invited because of the hints you kept dropping about seeing the house. If they had wanted you to visit they would have invited you a long time ago.

If our son and his partner had not invited us to their new home after 12 months then I would have thought sod them and leave them to it.

Just make an excuse, say you are ill and cancel the visit because it sounds as though it will be filled with tension, especially now you know your youngest son is not invited.

It's not very family like is it, but seems so formal. What's wrong with seeing work going on in the house.? I remember when we bought our first house the family came round and we had fish and chips while sitting on boxes.

Yes I was agreeing with you 😉

V3ra

We had a complete house rebuild after a fire, and my son and daughter-in-law are gradually working their way through doing up their house.
These projects all take time and as we still saw family periodically anyway, they naturally saw our house as an ongoing work in progress.
Similarly we see the improvements to our son and daughter-in-law's house as it evolves.
We all enjoy discussing and sharing ideas 🤷

Everyone is different.

Our AC, GC, GGC are round often, many times a week - I dislike the upheaval of additions, renovations, ongoing work, but it happens and they all see it.

However, OP made it clear that she 'hinted' and the partner's response. This isn't about you/me or if we can tolerate people in during upheaval. I'd not go round, nor would I insist on taking my other AC. Just me.

I'm out.

I think I’d say, ok let’s just all meet and have lunch at the pub, and leave the house visit for another time. If the OP & her DH prefer not to drive, so be it, they have their reasons, so their younger son’s act of kindness should mean that he musn’t be excluded from the expedition. Putting the visit to “the project” on the back burner for now will relieve the pressure on the elder son & DIL and leave them to reflect on how things might be handled next time.

CazB's son and partner obviously feel differently, which she needs to respect even if she doesn't understand.

We had a complete house rebuild after a fire, and my son and daughter-in-law are gradually working their way through doing up their house.
These projects all take time and as we still saw family periodically anyway, they naturally saw our house as an ongoing work in progress.
Similarly we see the improvements to our son and daughter-in-law's house as it evolves.
We all enjoy discussing and sharing ideas 🤷

Patsy70

Norah

Patsy70 I hardly think they’ll be ‘invading’ Norah. My son is renovating the house of his and his partner’s. They moved in when it was little less than a building site and as long as they know in advance when people are popping in, we are very welcome.

Well, she had to 'drop hints' and were told not to bring younger son as 'they weren't ready to receive visitors yet' -- their home, their rules. They're not your children or mine -- they apparently don't want visitors.

And your point is?

My point is OP heard "they weren't ready to receive visitors' - take heed, push in where things could go south at her own peril.

I believe I clearly stated my opinion/point.

Norah

Patsy70 I hardly think they’ll be ‘invading’ Norah. My son is renovating the house of his and his partner’s. They moved in when it was little less than a building site and as long as they know in advance when people are popping in, we are very welcome.

Well, she had to 'drop hints' and were told not to bring younger son as 'they weren't ready to receive visitors yet' -- their home, their rules. They're not your children or mine -- they apparently don't want visitors.

And your point is?

eazybee

^"the house is her project, and I support her in what she wants to do!" So ridiculous really.^
And very rude, particularly from a nearly fifty year old.
I would definitely go as you have accepted their invitation, but drive yourselves and be be absolutely charming. If you do not meet with them the situation will fester and it will make it even more difficult when/if you do.
What a silly situation.

I find it quite wonderful that he supports his wife here. The renovations are a project his wife is heading up and he supports her not wanting visitors during the project. What’s rude is inviting someone else and hinting at visits until one is invited over

Patsy70 I hardly think they’ll be ‘invading’ Norah. My son is renovating the house of his and his partner’s. They moved in when it was little less than a building site and as long as they know in advance when people are popping in, we are very welcome.

Well, she had to 'drop hints' and were told not to bring younger son as 'they weren't ready to receive visitors yet' -- their home, their rules. They're not your children or mine -- they apparently don't want visitors.

mae13

Why on earth do you imagine you are entitled to make a State Visit to the new house? To confer your approval (or disapproval?)

Um a strange interpretation of what the OP has posted!

VioletSky

You have set a high standard when you entertained them

Perhaps she feels she cannot live up to that with either her cooking or the current state of the house...

It's just a house, focus on the people instead and spending time with them and strengthening the relationship... Meet them out for dinner or invite them to come to you

I agree with VS re focus on the people not the house.

"the house is her project, and I support her in what she wants to do!" So ridiculous really.
And very rude, particularly from a nearly fifty year old.
I would definitely go as you have accepted their invitation, but drive yourselves and be be absolutely charming. If you do not meet with them the situation will fester and it will make it even more difficult when/if you do.
What a silly situation.

State Visit!!! who apart from you has mentioned a state visit and where has the OP even intimated that she wants to confer her approval (or disapproval) mae?

Why on earth do you imagine you are entitled to make a State Visit to the new house? To confer your approval (or disapproval?)

I hardly think they’ll be ‘invading’ Norah. My son is renovating the house of his and his partner’s. They moved in when it was little less than a building site and as long as they know in advance when people are popping in, we are very welcome. They are proud of the progress they have made and want to share this with family and friends. As I said before, the partner could be embarrassed or possibly insecure. Maybe she feels you might criticise her taste, and isn’t open to criticism. How does your younger son feel about being excluded? As they seem reluctant to meet up at this stage, either just meet them for a pub meal, together with your younger son, or diplomatically suggest waiting until the partner feels more comfortable about you visiting. 💐

It all seems very odd to me. Perhaps she feels their house is not up to scratch in some way? Where is your older son in all this? If you want to see them (as opposed to just their house) I would arrange to meet in the pub, with your other son too. Perhaps you couold then find out what the problem is.

CazB

Thank you for all your comments, which have given me lots of food for thought. First of all,the sons get on well.We have always had a good relationship with my son and his partner, he is nearly 50 by the way, has been divorced and my DH and I are in our 70's and 80's. We could perfectly well drive ourselves there, but our younger son kindly offered to drive us, never for one moment thinking he would be excluded. I am in no way critical, quite the reverse,and don't expect a red carpet to be laid out for us, am just interested to see where they live.Of course we are more than happy to eat in a pub. I spoke to my older son to ask him what was behind this, and the reply I got was was, "the house is her project, and I support her in what she
.wants to do!" So ridiculous really.We thought of sending son son a message saying we won't be coming this time, but will wait until the embargo is lifted. I feel they are being very rude, but maybe we should just grit our teeth and go, nothing resolved as yet. First world problems!!

Perhaps the floorboards are all up and she's worried in case you have an accident while you're looking round.

It seems strange to me, but who knows how others might feel about you seeing a half-finished house.

Good advice Dickens.

We have renovated houses in the past and I used to be very self conscious of people coming round, even my parents. I felt they judged me negatively, so I can understand your daughter in law wanting everything to be in order first.

I’d just meet them at the pub for lunch and then go home

CazB

Here's my two pennyworth of advice - call DIL directly and ask her if she'd rather wait until her 'project' is complete before you visit.

If she says "yes" then tell her that you will most likely recruit your younger son to drive you there. I believe that when people say they don't enjoy driving, they frequently mean that it makes them nervous. I stopped driving for that very reason - nervous drivers on the road are accidents waiting to happen. But I told people that I didn't enjoy it anymore.

If the house / 'project' is up to scratch and she still doesn't want younger son to step over the threshold then that adds another layer to the problem - but at least you will know that he is the problem, and not the house.

My gut reaction is that DIL is being rather 'precious' but - some things are very important to other people that don't hold the same importance for me - so I can respect that.

As for the pub lunch - not everyone enjoys entertaining, it is, after all, time-consuming, so I'd be quite happy with that arrangement - then no one has to focus on the food preparation or clearing up, which leaves more time for relaxing, looking around the house, and enjoying the family get-together.

If you are prepared to wait until the house is ready, this would be a possible solution.

Op

This visit needs to be cancelled and you need to talk to your oldest son

He is being a coward hiding behind his wife

Their house is theirs - to invite whoever they want

The fact that hints were dropped for you to be invited is not a good thing

Your oldest son can cook for you, can't he?

There is a problem between both sons - they need to address that first.