Son's partner being unhospitable.

If they only live an hour away, could you not ask your eldest son to pick you up and take you home?

I wouldn’t have expected them to be cooking for me in the circumstances, and a pub is definitely a good idea.

Do they visit you often? Maybe better to keep visits low key rather than lavish!
That could put pressure on them that they need to reciprocate

We moved into a neglected little house decades ago and I still remember the worry of my PIL visiting! There was so much work needed and we could not afford to do much -or buy appliances. If your son and dil are having work done- there could be dust everywhere and furniture squashed temporarily in rooms not being decorated. They may want to see you but are not yet ready to show off their home.

It isn't just about seeing the house though is it, there's also the issue of the younger brother seeming to be being excluded.

It isn't the dropping of hints to see the house they've been in for more than a year that I find odd or unacceptable, it's the fact that after so long, they've never been invited.

A whole year has passed and you are only just invited? This sounds warning bells to start with.
I would definitely not go given the ruling about your younger son but I don't think this is only down to your son's partner. Your son has been involved in this, surely he should have invited you before now and then to deliberately exclude his own brother even when he knows he will be driving you there is just appalling. I think you should speak to elder son and partner together to know what is really happening and as this would be difficult then I would either email to both of them or else phone your son and say you won't be coming to visit as it would be beyond the pale for his brother to drive you there but not to be allowed into the house. Is it possible your elder son doesn't know of this proviso? A strange situation.

Perhaps it's her way of dealing with what she feels is a stressful situation. Pub not a bad idea. Would want to know what your older son thinks about it.

Don't use the word cancel. If they are having work done, they probably don't want visits I til.its finished. Best to agree with you son that it sounds best to postpone until you can all gonon a mutually convenient date.
If you say more you may make the issue worse.

paddyann54

Is there a problem between your two sons?That might account for your DIL making the call

Or between DiL & younger son?

The older son could offer to collect his parents and drop them back home afterwards!

Oops! I've just re-read what OP wrote. No problem between younger son and DiL.
Hmmm. Very strange!

Suck it up and go. Your DiL doesn't like you.

Then I wouldn't bother. What an ignorant woman.

I would go, sooner rather than later, smiling broadly and ignoring the house if it will cause problems, just to maintain contact with them. I did ask if this couple had visited the parents since they moved away; if not, a year is a long time.

Surely a fifty year old doesnt need to tag along with mum and dad, though?

I would speak to your son and find out the reason why younger son not welcome. Seems a bit odd. I have a good friend who lives a couple of miles from her son and his wife. They have only been invited once in about 3 years when they first moved in to see the house for a takeaway. She suggested this summer to them it would be nice to visit again maybe for a bbq and see what had been done to the house as they have had lots of work done and DIL looked horrified and said they are not ready for visitors in the garden! My friend feels hurt at being excluded when DIL’s parents go around lots. She just goes with situ though to keep on good terms with them. They occasionally meet in a pub or go to my friend for a meal. She finds it hurtful but DIL rules in that house!! There are no grandchildren just a dog.

Divorced man of 50 having no input into his new house renovations. Who is paying for the renovations? New partner in total control of new house …. Second marriages have an average 70% failure rate…..

I would take it as a punch in the stomach. All very odd in my opinion.
Unless there’s been a “seriously falling out” between your younger and older son and his wife, is your younger son meant to just drive you there and occupy himself otherwise (possible I suppose) - while you are invited in ?
Just odd and hurtful and ridiculous.
They would need to explain to me what the problem was and if I thought they were just being gits - and that’s both of them mind, I’d say ok we’ll leave it. I would not enjoy a visit anyway under those circumstances.

Personally I think since this is the first time you will be in their home, under her rules, she is "testing your mettle" to see how easy it is to make you give in. It is perfectly reasonable for your younger son, or even one of your friends that were kind enough to drive you there, to be included. If this were my family, I know you have a different dinamic, I would call my son and very kindly, not gossipy or hurt, say that you feel awkward asking your younger son to wait at the pub and maybe you should try for a better time for he and his partner. He might not even know she has done this.

What is so difficult about accepting that people have different wants and needs? You can decide who to allow in your home and when, just like every other adult. A lot of people here need to mature emotionally if this is such a big deal. Not everyone wants to do things the same way you did. It's simple, honestly.

There are a bunch of adults here reacting like a child would if they were told no. Just back off and respect the humanity and autonomy of other adults. Wow.

A lot of people here need to mature emotionally and is it an indication of emotional maturity to refer to those posting that you don't agree with as a bunch of adults here reacting like a child ......

Everyone is entitled to give their opinions User.

Stick to the arrangement that your younger son is doing the driving, but do tell h im that his SIL doesn't feel the house is ready to show yet.

Unless you want to cause a family row, you will pin a smile on your face and admire the home that you have demanded to see.

Like you, I would have expected either to have been invited much before this, or at least to have received an explanation that they were having work done, that had been delayed, and that they didn't want visitors until everything is as they want it to be.

I doubt your DIL is being inhospitable deliberately. I do get the feeling that you have somehow rubbed her up the wrong way, so least said soonest mended.

MissAdventure

Surely a fifty year old doesnt need to tag along with mum and dad, though?

He was KINDLY offering to drdive them to his brothers new home and was told he was not wanted.

Yes, it was kind, no doubt.
It's just that he is a middle aged man, even though it seems rude of the other brother and his wife.

Noone who invites themselves should expect hospitality Basically a woman who is most likely around same age as your son can decide who she wants in her home and it's you Op who is entitled and rude expecting an invite to see the house Don't be so nosey

I'm glad to say this situation is pretty alien to me. Both sets of parents went with our respective offspring to view houses when they moved so knew what needed doing in the one they chose. We all enjoyed hearing their plans and helping them with jobs and seeing it transformed.

Youngest DD is 200 miles away so not quite the same when she and SIL moved but they knew we would be perfectly happy seeing the house in a state of disrepair, would bring our overalls and muck in, and get the fish and chips for lunch.

True, it might not be the same with second marriages cos each partner has different life experiences, skills and expectations so maybe my view is too simplistic.

People are all different. But if you want to maintain relationships you have to go with the flow, even though it might not be at your preferred pace, or you might be permanently excluded.

No, it wouldn't suit me one jot and I'd be equally hurt, but not a lot you can do about it.

However, now you've got the invite, go along, smile, express approval at anything you can and have a great day.

PS I think those who have suggested the OP is somehow at fault or expecting too much are being unnecessarily sarcastic. Most posters have agreed that the situation is odd and they wouldn't be happy themselves.

Since I am on my own, the AC often ask me over, to join them for a meal. It’s a spur of the moment thing. On one occasion, my grown-up grandson’s casual visits to me, coincided with these ‘spur of the moment’ invitations. So, I thought it would be no great deal to ask him along. It would also be a good chance for him to see his little cousins. Big Mistake !!! I was told off, thankfully not within earshot of my grandson. In our culture, the ‘pot is always on the boil’, so to speak. Is it too much of a hardship, to put an extra handful of chips or an extra cup of rice ?
In the OP’s case, they were going to a Pub. So I don’t understand why the younger son couldn’t be included. Or have I got it wrong ?